Being the only etiquette conscious person in a room...

tcnoble · September 2014

Interesting discussion in the teacher's lounge during lunch yesterday.

I was sharing a story about friends of ours who are attending a wedding, where the invite included an insert with a not-so-cute poem asking for money... and how our friends are planning to buy them something like a wire chicken, garden gnome, or wind chimes as opposed to catering to their tacky request for cash.

CUE THE NOT-ETIQUETTE-CONSCIOUS COMMENTS.

"Oh well friends of ours did that and we thought it was cute! They put in something about how they were saving for a honeymoon."

"I don't think it's bad to do that, it tells people you really just want cash."

"I'm not putting it in my invites, I'm just going to write it on my wedding website."

I kept reiterating it's TACKY and of course everyone knows you want money. "Well this way they REALLY know for sure it's what you want."

Umm. Okay.

syoun1nj · September 2014

Yeah, I hear that a lot. As for the cash thing - you'll notice no one ever posts "My FH and I have lived together for 6 years and we have all the money we need. What we REALLY need is STUFF. How do we tell our guests that we want pots and pans and NOT money?" Because money is great and everyone would appreciate it. They don't need to be told you want money.

southernbelle0915 · September 2014

Ugh. Why does anyone think a crappy poem is cute? Especially when it's a rude request?! I can't understand actually thinking that's "cute". No.

I had a similar conversation about people assuming they could bring children and the consensus among these women (one is planning a wedding) is that she should write "No children, please" on her invites. All of these people were guests at my wedding, which had no children. I was like "y'all remember my wedding right? we had zero children and we didn't write this. we just followed up with anyone who didn't get it." And everyone was all "well that's awkward and a lot of work, so I'm just going put it on the invites." Ok, asshole. Whatever.

photokitty · September 2014

At least you spoke up and tried. Sometimes it works ~ and the rest of the time you just can't fix stupid, tacky and rude. *sigh*

CTYankeeBride · September 2014

southernbelle0915 said:

Ugh. Why does anyone think a crappy poem is cute? Especially when it's a rude request?! I can't understand actually thinking that's "cute". No.

I had a similar conversation about people assuming they could bring children and the consensus among these women (one is planning a wedding) is that she should write "No children, please" on her invites. All of these people were guests at my wedding, which had no children. I was like "y'all remember my wedding right? we had zero children and we didn't write this. we just followed up with anyone who didn't get it." And everyone was all "well that's awkward and a lot of work, so I'm just going put it on the invites." Ok, asshole. Whatever.

I just got done having this conversation with a co-worker. She argued that I should just put "no children" on the invite because it worked really well for her. I pointed out that her invites stated "no children" and there were no children, but they didn't state "you can't bring your neighbor/ dog/ boss" and amazingly, no one brought their neighbor/ dog/ boss either.

JellyBean52513 · September 2014

On a slightly related note, the other day in my contracts class we were discussing various forms of contracts, and a fact-pattern about engagements and weddings came up. The professor posed two questions:

"What do you do with wedding gifts if they wedding gets called off?" NO ONE ANSWERED. NO ONE KNEW WHAT TO DO. It was obvious that no one even thought you WOULD do anything with the gifts if your wedding got called off besides keep them. The professor clued everyone in that you return them.

THEN....

"If you get invited to a wedding, are you supposed to bring a gift?" EVERYONE SAID YES. I was the only one who said, as loudly as I could without being obnoxious, "NO."

lurkergirl · September 2014

I mentioned hand addressing invitations, and this chick was like, "You know you just print sheets of labels, right?"

I told her that hand-addressing was proper etiquette (basically just like that, wasn't on a high horse about it or anything), and she said, "Oh, whatever, I'm not an etiquette person." Mmkay...

twitterbird · September 2014

Ugh the things I see locally make me seriously eyeroll. Like you only need seats for elderly guests for an outdoor ceremony, your RSVP date should be like 2 months before the wedding, 4 hour gaps with an hour drive between locations are fine, tiered weddings are dandy (cause people know the dinner is expensive)...the list goes on. The excuse is always its the brides day and people will do what makes the bride happy.

[Deleted User] · September 2014

Being the only etiquette-conscious person in the room is exhausting. I had a conversation with a co-worker about how b-listing is rude and she just wouldn't hear it. "But how else do you invite your friends?" (Subtext, "after everyone your parents forced you to invite say no")

simcal18 · September 2014

Yes, drumming good etiquette into people who are determined to follow bad etiquette can be exhausting. But there is a difference between etiquette and manners, and trying to enforce good etiquette by practicing poor manners is not likely to sway many people. I know it's joked about quite a bit on this site, but IMO, purchasing a tacky gift for couples who have requested cash is poor manners--it is rudely and crudely pointing out an etiquette mistake. To me, it's not surprising that your coworkers reacted poorly to the story. A gentler approach may be more effective in the future. Bottom line: you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.

Teddy917 · September 2014

twitterbird said:
Ugh the things I see locally make me seriously eyeroll. Like you only need seats for elderly guests for an outdoor ceremony, your RSVP date should be like 2 months before the wedding, 4 hour gaps with an hour drive between locations are fine, tiered weddings are dandy (cause people know the dinner is expensive)...the list goes on. The excuse is always its the brides day and people will do what makes the bride happy.

What especially irritates me about the excuse that it's the "bride's day" is 1. Where is the groom in this, isn't it sort of his day too? 2. I've always thought that it sort of implied that that's the biggest thing that the woman will ever do. You never hear "It's the graduate's/newly promoted person/whatever's day". The only time that I've ever heard "it's the ___'s day" is when it's the "bride's day" or when a baby is due and then it's the "mom's day".

Sorry. Vent over.

larrygaga · September 2014

The worst part about people who are so adamant about being rude is that they try to persuade you. Just leave it alone and go on with your rude self!

NavyBlue143 · September 2014

bostonbride2015 said:

Bottom line: you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.

Actually Mythbusters proved that isn't true. Flies love vinegar.

Eta: obviously showing good manners is a much better course of action than lecturing good manners. But I had to be a smartass. Also, I have gotten one person to change her mind about having a Vegas wedding without hosting her guests afterward by blurting out how rude it was.

lurkergirl · September 2014

NavyBlue143 said:

Bottom line: you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.
Actually Mythbusters proved that isn't true. Flies love vinegar. Eta: obviously showing good manners is a much better course of action than lecturing good manners. But I had to be a smartass. Also, I have gotten one person to change her mind about having a Vegas wedding without hosting her guests afterward by blurting out how rude it was.

Who wants to attract flies anyway?

KnightsNurse · September 2014

I am floored by the blatant lack of etiquette displayed by couples these days and just the outrageous ignorance of the general public--even after being on these boards and reading the craziness that goes down. I just received an "invite" from a couple (met the groom maybe three times and the bride once, know them through mutual friends) to the reception only (literally in big, bold capital letters) for an out of state wedding. Soooo, you're inviting me to fly 8 hours across the country to come eat some cheap wedding food (probably potluck with the way this is going)? Hmmmm...doesn't make sense. But you know what does? The big old "we prefer cash" poem that was literally BIGGER than the invitation. Gift grabby much?

lovesclimbing · September 2014

KnightsNurse said:

I am floored by the blatant lack of etiquette displayed by couples these days and just the outrageous ignorance of the general public--even after being on these boards and reading the craziness that goes down. I just received an "invite" from a couple (met the groom maybe three times and the bride once, know them through mutual friends) to the reception only (literally in big, bold capital letters) for an out of state wedding. Soooo, you're inviting me to fly 8 hours across the country to come eat some cheap wedding food (probably potluck with the way this is going)? Hmmmm...doesn't make sense. But you know what does? The big old "we prefer cash" poem that was literally BIGGER than the invitation. Gift grabby much?

Technically, inviting someone to just the reception, assuming the ceremony itself is private and tiny, is OK, but I agree with you. The ceremony is the whole POINT of being invited to a reception, and that's what I care about much more than the reception. I am not a fan of inviting people just to the reception.

biggrouch · September 2014

Personally, I hate when I'm the only grammar-conscious person in a room. Like, when other people steadfastly refuse to make fun of someone behind his back for saying "if I was" in a contrary-to-fact subjunctive, I'm just like... UGHHHH HOW DO I EXPLAIN TO THEM THAT INCORRECT CONTRARY-TO-FACT CLAUSES ARE THE WORST? Every time you hear one of those without mocking the person who made the mistake, it basically tells them that it's OK to say "if I was" for the contrary-to-fact. But people around me just don't get it. So yeah, it can be frustrating to be so superior to my surroundings, but that's the curse of brilliance I guess.

[Deleted User] · September 2014

biggrouch said:

Personally, I hate when I'm the only grammar-conscious person in a room. Like, when other people steadfastly refuse to make fun of someone behind his back for saying "if I was" in a contrary-to-fact subjunctive, I'm just like... UGHHHH HOW DO I EXPLAIN TO THEM THAT INCORRECT CONTRARY-TO-FACT CLAUSES ARE THE WORST? Every time you hear one of those without mocking the person who made the mistake, it basically tells them that it's OK to say "if I was" for the contrary-to-fact. But people around me just don't get it. So yeah, it can be frustrating to be so superior to my surroundings, but that's the curse of brilliance I guess.

Example, please, of the rest of the sentence. I'm a grammar snob, but I have no idea what you're talking about.

short+sassy · September 2014

lurkergirl said:

I mentioned hand addressing invitations, and this chick was like, "You know you just print sheets of labels, right?"

I told her that hand-addressing was proper etiquette (basically just like that, wasn't on a high horse about it or anything), and she said, "Oh, whatever, I'm not an etiquette person." Mmkay...

I have to admit I personally see printing labels for invites as a victimless crime. Don't get me wrong, you are totally correct, etiquette states they should be handwritten. But I still think a printed label is fine.

Now, with that said, I would side-eye just a little bit a pre-printed label for a ty note. IMO, those should always be handwritten. It sounds silly and like splitting hairs to me also, lol, that I view invites and ty notes differently in this regard, but I do.

LDay2014 · September 2014

short+sassy said:

lurkergirl said:

I mentioned hand addressing invitations, and this chick was like, "You know you just print sheets of labels, right?"

I told her that hand-addressing was proper etiquette (basically just like that, wasn't on a high horse about it or anything), and she said, "Oh, whatever, I'm not an etiquette person." Mmkay...

I have to admit I personally see printing labels for invites as a victimless crime. Don't get me wrong, you are totally correct, etiquette states they should be handwritten. But I still think a printed label is fine.

Now, with that said, I would side-eye just a little bit a pre-printed label for a ty note. IMO, those should always be handwritten. It sounds silly and like splitting hairs to me also, lol, that I view invites and ty notes differently in this regard, but I do.

I'm a stickler on this one...printed labels are business, and usually junk mail at that. Take the time to have them handwritten or do it yourself...

Yes it's victimless, no one is going to die from a label (except that one knottie who was allergic to envelope glue!) but it's a small thing that shows thought and effort.

ETF: munched on paragraphs

Being the only etiquette conscious person in a room...

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