Child-Friendly Wedding...ish?

MegEn1 · September 2014

My FMIL is paying for the catering for our wedding, which is very generous of her. We chose a venue, before she paid for anything, that could fit about 140ppl. At the time, our guest list goal (I say goal because FI and I had our lists, but FMIL did not have hers yet though she did promise she could fit within our numbers) was 120ppl. So, okay. We chose a very kid-friendly venue, with areas for the kids to run around and play, costumes for them to put on, etc. because I like the idea of weddings as a big family get-together, and families include children. I was so excited about this, I've been telling some of our guests about it when they ask "Oh, so I'll have to get a sitter?" No, the wedding is kid-friendly, bring the kids! Let them make some memories too!

Anyway, this week we finally convinced FMIL to sit down and put names on paper, rather than just counting and giving us a number. She is coming up with about 20-30ppl more than she originally agreed to, and is now talking about cutting out children or asking if we can put a 'kids' table' in the next room.

Is a kids' table bad etiquette? When I say next room, it's actually just through a big open archway where the kids' exhibits are (big boats they can climb on, a fish tank they can climb under to see the fish, costumes, etc.) so they'd be in line of sight the whole time. We thought maybe that every kid above 5-6 could be sat at the kids' table if their parents were OK with it. Naturally we will check with the parents as we get closer to time.

Thoughts? Thanks Knotties!

melbenso · September 2014

I think 5 or 6 is awfully young to be separated from your parents for dinner, especially if its a different section of the venue rather than the next table over. While it's not technically against etiquette to have a kids table, I have a strong preference for seating families together. Often older kids and teenagers get voluntold or conscripted into watching the little ones - even if they do not know them - when you have a kids table set up. Also, if the kids don't know each other, then that can be strange and uncomfortable too.

If all of the kids know each other and you stick to preteen and up at the kids table, I think it would be ok. (Even though my personal preference would still be to seat families together, I understand you may be stuck to some extent.) But anything other than that would be problematic.

Is there anyway that you and the bridal party could sit in the room under the archway and have the other guests in the next room? That way, no guests would be seated in the "bad" section and everyone could still fit.

MegEn1 · September 2014

melbenso said:

I think 5 or 6 is awfully young to be separated from your parents for dinner, especially if its a different section of the venue rather than the next table over. While it's not technically against etiquette to have a kids table, I have a strong preference for seating families together. Often older kids and teenagers get voluntold or conscripted into watching the little ones - even if they do not know them - when you have a kids table set up. Also, if the kids don't know each other, then that can be strange and uncomfortable too.

If all of the kids know each other and you stick to preteen and up at the kids table, I think it would be ok. (Even though my personal preference would still be to seat families together, I understand you may be stuck to some extent.) But anything other than that would be problematic.

Is there anyway that you and the bridal party could sit in the room under the archway and have the other guests in the next room? That way, no guests would be seated in the "bad" section and everyone could still fit.

Ideally I would like to sit families together too, but FMIL is talking about cutting out kids altogether with no rhyme or reason (just arbitrarily picking kids to not get invited) so I'm trying to do as much as I can to make her happy as she is paying for the catering. Having us sit through or in the archway might be a little awkward, but perhaps it's the best option. Though I wonder if we'll feel obligated to keep an eye on the kids then, as we'll be the ones closest. I don't mind, but I also don't know that I want to take up that responsibility on my wedding day in case something happens. I don't know what will, but ... yeah I just don't know how to play it. She who pays, says - so I'm just trying to make her as happy as possible!

melbenso · September 2014

I understand that you are kind of stuck in your situation and trying to find the best solution. But I wouldn't want my 5 year old sitting at a different table from me. If I knew that was going to be the eating situation, I wouldn't bring my kid, which means if I couldn't get a sitter, I wouldn't be there. And if I didn't know before hand, I'd be pulling a chair up to my table for my kid to sit with me. If it were a 12 year old who knew other people they were sitting with, I'd be fine with it though.

MegEn1 · September 2014

melbenso said:

I understand that you are kind of stuck in your situation and trying to find the best solution. But I wouldn't want my 5 year old sitting at a different table from me. If I knew that was going to be the eating situation, I wouldn't bring my kid, which means if I couldn't get a sitter, I wouldn't be there. And if I didn't know before hand, I'd be pulling a chair up to my table for my kid to sit with me. If it were a 12 year old who knew other people they were sitting with, I'd be fine with it though.

That's fair, maybe we'd play with the ages a bit. I don't have kids and haven't been around them much in my life, so I don't really know what's best. Although, if we raise the age bar, that means most kids will be sitting with their parents anyway, which negates the purpose of a kids' table I guess. So if that's not an option, does anyone have any recommendations? Thanks!

holyguacamole79 · September 2014

First off, I agree with mel. I have several friends with 5 year olds. Kids tables are great for family gatherings where everyone is family. But a wedding is another story. And I guarantee you, you won't be able to keep your eyes on the kids on your wedding day. You'll be distracted enough. Do you have to sit someone on the other side of that arch?

JellyBean52513 · September 2014

MegEn1 said:

melbenso said:

I understand that you are kind of stuck in your situation and trying to find the best solution. But I wouldn't want my 5 year old sitting at a different table from me. If I knew that was going to be the eating situation, I wouldn't bring my kid, which means if I couldn't get a sitter, I wouldn't be there. And if I didn't know before hand, I'd be pulling a chair up to my table for my kid to sit with me. If it were a 12 year old who knew other people they were sitting with, I'd be fine with it though.

That's fair, maybe we'd play with the ages a bit. I don't have kids and haven't been around them much in my life, so I don't really know what's best. Although, if we raise the age bar, that means most kids will be sitting with their parents anyway, which negates the purpose of a kids' table I guess. So if that's not an option, does anyone have any recommendations? Thanks!

The worst-case-scenario recommendation is to decline your FMIL's financial assistance. "After doing a lot of thinking and trying to configure things, FI and I have decided that it's just too important to us to have the kids present, we don't want to cut out all the children from the guest list. I know you really wanted to invite X amount of people, and we'll do the best we can to make it work, but FI and I are just going to pay for everything ourselves so we don't have to cut out the guests we really want to attend."

PPs have given good advice otherwise, but just throwing this one out there to help you be prepared in case it comes down to this. I personally would not be ok with accepting anyone's money who wanted to chop up my guest list, sacrificing people that I really want to attend, especially with "no rhyme or reason." I, too, could not imagine my wedding day without all of the family kids present and if someone who was contributing money told me they had to get cut, it'd be a backyard BBQ wedding where I grill up the burgers myself in a "Just Married" apron before I tell all of the family kids they can't come see me get married.

AprilH81 · September 2014

Are the "extra" 20-30 guests your FMIL wants to invite VIP guests or just people she would like to have? I would gently ask her to cut that down...

How much over the max are you? Would a rectangular tables help fit everyone in (they take up less floor space than round)?

simcal18 · September 2014

Agreed with April that I would gently and nicely discuss this with FMIL. Kindly remind her that she promised when the venue was booked that she could fit within the numbers that you gave to her and see if you can work with her TOGETHER to trim the lists down. See if you can get the numbers down a little bit on both of your lists without cutting kids willy-nilly.

Also, keep in mind that this is a problem that may resolve itself. While 100% attendance does happen, and you need to be prepared for it, it's pretty unlikely that if you invite 160 people, ALL 160 people will attend. I think it's more likely that you'll wind up closer to the 140 number that you're aiming for, and as long as you're not running up against any fire codes or hard venue maximums, doing a "tweens table" or rearranging the bridal party seating could be your plan B in the event that you get a super high RSVP rate.

MegEn1 · September 2014

Thanks knotties! I don't think it will come to turning down the money, since she's already paid us for the first catering down-payment. If it does, we could make it work, but I really don't think it will. Ideally she will cut down her guest list to the agreed upon numbers without excluding children. That's what I'm hoping for, but because she's putting in so much money I want to be as flexible as possible to make this as easy on her as I can. As far as the arch, I wouldn't put anyone else on the other side because it does eventually become kind of 'second room'-ish and it's away from the dance floor and all the spectacles (of which there will hopefully only be one or two, God willing). FI is going to talk to her again today and remind her that she originally agreed to be able to get her numbers to 40ppl on her list, rather than the 60+ppl she's swearing that she has now and that she can't change. She hasn't even done an initial cut yet so ... hopefully this will all blow over. Thank you all!

Jen4948 · September 2014

MegEn1 said:

Thanks knotties! I don't think it will come to turning down the money, since she's already paid us for the first catering down-payment. If it does, we could make it work, but I really don't think it will. Ideally she will cut down her guest list to the agreed upon numbers without excluding children. That's what I'm hoping for, but because she's putting in so much money I want to be as flexible as possible to make this as easy on her as I can. As far as the arch, I wouldn't put anyone else on the other side because it does eventually become kind of 'second room'-ish and it's away from the dance floor and all the spectacles (of which there will hopefully only be one or two, God willing). FI is going to talk to her again today and remind her that she originally agreed to be able to get her numbers to 40ppl on her list, rather than the 60+ppl she's swearing that she has now and that she can't change. She hasn't even done an initial cut yet so ... hopefully this will all blow over. Thank you all!

So how did the talk go?

MegEn1 · September 2014

Jen4948 said:

MegEn1 said:

Thanks knotties! I don't think it will come to turning down the money, since she's already paid us for the first catering down-payment. If it does, we could make it work, but I really don't think it will. Ideally she will cut down her guest list to the agreed upon numbers without excluding children. That's what I'm hoping for, but because she's putting in so much money I want to be as flexible as possible to make this as easy on her as I can. As far as the arch, I wouldn't put anyone else on the other side because it does eventually become kind of 'second room'-ish and it's away from the dance floor and all the spectacles (of which there will hopefully only be one or two, God willing). FI is going to talk to her again today and remind her that she originally agreed to be able to get her numbers to 40ppl on her list, rather than the 60+ppl she's swearing that she has now and that she can't change. She hasn't even done an initial cut yet so ... hopefully this will all blow over. Thank you all!

So how did the talk go?

He didn't get a chance to talk with her yesterday. But he managed to talk me down from a lot of my anxiety by saying this will, in fact, blow over. But I will update when I know more.

Child-Friendly Wedding...ish?

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