Not being included

chicagobride2013 · August 2014

My husband's brother is getting married this week and although I have offered numerous times to help with anything they need I am always left out. I am not in the wedding party which is fine with me, it's all her sisters which I am not upset about at all. I've asked to help with showers, b.party, making things, and every time I am shut out. I just discovered they are doing a bunch of wedding set up the day before and I wasn't asked to help. This past weekend they made things and again I was left out even though I have offered. On top of it my mil is having a bonding day with my soon to be sil making the family recipe cookie. When my husband and I got married last year she did no such thing with me. I just can't understand where all this snubbing is coming from when all I have done is offered to help and I mean help not give opinions or comments or suggestions on what she should do because it is her day. I need help figuring out how to set my hurt feelings aside so I can celebrate with them.

OliveOilsMom · August 2014

chicagobride2013 said:

My husband's brother is getting married this week and although I have offered numerous times to help with anything they need I am always left out. I am not in the wedding party which is fine with me, it's all her sisters which I am not upset about at all. I've asked to help with showers, b.party, making things, and every time I am shut out. I just discovered they are doing a bunch of wedding set up the day before and I wasn't asked to help. This past weekend they made things and again I was left out even though I have offered. On top of it my mil is having a bonding day with my soon to be sil making the family recipe cookie. When my husband and I got married last year she did no such thing with me. I just can't understand where all this snubbing is coming from when all I have done is offered to help and I mean help not give opinions or comments or suggestions on what she should do because it is her day. I need help figuring out how to set my hurt feelings aside so I can celebrate with them.

I'm very sorry to hear about your H's family excluding you. That must be very hurtful. Have you always felt like an "outsider" with this family? There may be an underlying reason why they keep you at arm's length.

Has your H noticed how his family treats you? What does he think?

I know that you have offered to help and you weren't taken up on your offer, but just think that now you can relax and enjoy the wedding with your H instead of doing this and that to help set up.

ifeelgoodifeelgreatifeelwonderful · August 2014

Are you close with your FSIL at all? Do you hang out just you and her?

I am getting married soon and do not have his 2 brother's wives in my wedding (although his sister did include them just the year before). It's nothing against them I just wanted to keep my wedding party small. I know they did help my MIL with the shower that she threw but I haven't asked them for anything. It's nothing personal, I like them a lot but just with distance, etc we never just hang out on our own. Maybe she feels like she is doing you a favor and doesn't want to ask people not in the wedding party to help her out with things and take up your time. Frankly, there shouldn't be much she is asking people to help with. As long as you are invited to the showers, etc. I wouldn't see this as a snub.

Go to the wedding, eat lots of great food, have some drinks, dance, and enjoy the fact that you didn't have to spend a bunch of money on shoes and a dress you will never wear again

Jen4948 · August 2014

Well, first, how well do you know the bride? If you and she don't know each other well, she may not be deliberately excluding you so much as just having more help on hand from people she knows better (especially from her sisters) so she just doesn't have anything for you to do. Also, I don't know how much you've been asking to be involved, but if she's feeling nagged, she might not be feeling like including you.

Also, as painful as it is to acknowledge, it may just be that your MIL likes your FSIL better for some reason. Modified to add: I agree that the cookie thing is hurtful though. See my post below.

The best thing you can do is not take being left out personally. They have to invite you to anything your husband is invited to as a member of the family. Consider it an honor to be a guest at the wedding and let it go at that.

climbingsingle · August 2014

Maybe it's just me, but I'd be happy to not be included in any of that. And maybe she thinks she's doing you a favor by not taking you up on the help.

Were you invited to the shower?

A lot of people have offered help to me. I've turned them all down. My FI did all my crafty stuff with me. And I had one friend come over to help one day with the centerpieces. That's it. I personally wouldn't impose on people to help me, even when they've offered multiple times. It's just the way I am.

holyguacamole79 · August 2014

I'd be more upset over the cookie recipe thing. That would definitely disappoint me.

Regarding the wedding stuff, I'd blow it off. My BIL got married this April and I wasn't asked to do anything, either (DH was the best man). It turned out there was a corsage for me and I was included in the family pics.

I'd let the dust settle and just go to the wedding. I'd ask your husband if he has any insight about the cookie recipe.

chicagobride2013 · August 2014

As far as my soon to be sil and I being close the answer is not really because her and my husband's brother just moved her last year which we were really excited about because her sister also lives her with her husband. Our first thought was yeah family so close! But she really just does things with her sister. As far as my husband's family...I think my mil dislikes me and my husband disagrees but when we moved here three years ago there was a disagreement. She didn't like how we divided up driving duties and pretty much blamed me. Ever since then there has been a coldness and she does things to exclude me. I have known my husband's family for 10+ yrs so for the new dil to be given family recipes and such is really hurtful. Not that I don't want her to be close to the family I just don't like exclusion without reason. And like I said before it is not about being in the wedding party. It is everything else.

southernbelle0915 · August 2014

It sounds like you might be expecting too much. For example, you mention not being in the WP as if you expected you might be. You mention the family cookie recipe as if you expect your MIL should have done this with you. Maybe she just now thought of the idea. And you use the word "snubbed" as if you expect that they will accept your invitations to help and you're offended when they don't.

A SHIT TON of people offered to help with my wedding. I said "no thanks" to 99% of them. I liked planning and I liked doing stuff myself. I wasn't "snubbing" them. I just wanted to do things myself. There's nothing wrong with that.

To get past your hurt feelings, I would 1) not expect so much; and 2) stop taking things so personally. You act as if someone is personally offending you by declining your offer to help. Maybe they just don't need help. Start giving people the benefit of the doubt.

climbingsingle · August 2014

Honeslty, it sounds like your MIL is the one doing the excluding, not your FSIL. I'd be hurt about the recipes too.

chicagobride2013 · August 2014

I never expected to be in the wedding party. We aren't close and I knew she had two sisters and would just be using them. In terms of helping she has no friends here. They just moved. It's just her sister and I that live here. She complained constantly about having to let go of things because she didn't have time. And she isn't that crafty. I offered because I'm a student and had all summer to help and I'm mega crafty. The only thing I'm expecting is to build a family because I don't want to be like so many other stories I read.

chicagobride2013 · August 2014

Yes the cookie recipe was real hurtful. I have asked her to show me how to make these cookies for years. Even asked for the special cookie maker one year and she gave it to the fsil instead. FSIL doesn't even cook. This was actually done on Christmas Day right after I put on an amazing Christmas Eve dinner the night before. I have tried not to dwell too much on the recipe thing but the fact that she is spending a day with fsil making them has made the hurt feelings surface amid feeling excluded all around.

holyguacamole79 · August 2014

chicagobride2013 said:

I never expected to be in the wedding party. We aren't close and I knew she had two sisters and would just be using them. In terms of helping she has no friends here. They just moved. It's just her sister and I that live here. She complained constantly about having to let go of things because she didn't have time. And she isn't that crafty. I offered because I'm a student and had all summer to help and I'm mega crafty. The only thing I'm expecting is to build a family because I don't want to be like so many other stories I read.

I'm like southernbelle - I declined many offers to help just because I'm a get it done myself type of person. I wouldn't take it personally.

chicagobride2013 said:

Yes the cookie recipe was real hurtful. I have asked her to show me how to make these cookies for years. Even asked for the special cookie maker one year and she gave it to the fsil instead. FSIL doesn't even cook. This was actually done on Christmas Day right after I put on an amazing Christmas Eve dinner the night before. I have tried not to dwell too much on the recipe thing but the fact that she is spending a day with fsil making them has made the hurt feelings surface amid feeling excluded all around.

Yeah, this bites. I'd be disappointed, too. This is something that you'll just have to get over, unfortunately.

chicagobride2013 · August 2014

Thanks ladies. I think I just needed to get it off my chest. I'll just push it down and push on!!

OliveOilsMom · August 2014

chicagobride2013 said:

Yes the cookie recipe was real hurtful. I have asked her to show me how to make these cookies for years. Even asked for the special cookie maker one year and she gave it to the fsil instead. FSIL doesn't even cook. This was actually done on Christmas Day right after I put on an amazing Christmas Eve dinner the night before. I have tried not to dwell too much on the recipe thing but the fact that she is spending a day with fsil making them has made the hurt feelings surface amid feeling excluded all around.

If my MIL treated me that way, H would be having words with her. She seems to be deliberately trying to hurt you. She doesn't need to like you, but she needs to be civil and be respectful of you, neither of which is occuring.

As for your FSILs, maybe you just need to get to know them better. Can you try hosting a few game nights or a bonfire with these other couples? Maybe just having a get together will allow you some chances to have one on one time with these ladies. Then maybe that one on one time can develop into friendships.

climbingsingle · August 2014

Do you think you could have your husband reach out to his mom and speak to her about this? Maybe she doesn't realize how hurtful she's being?

Jen4948 · August 2014

chicagobride2013 said:

Yes the cookie recipe was real hurtful. I have asked her to show me how to make these cookies for years. Even asked for the special cookie maker one year and she gave it to the fsil instead. FSIL doesn't even cook. This was actually done on Christmas Day right after I put on an amazing Christmas Eve dinner the night before. I have tried not to dwell too much on the recipe thing but the fact that she is spending a day with fsil making them has made the hurt feelings surface amid feeling excluded all around.

Yeah, it's hurtful that she wants to bond with your FSIL but not you. I'd speak to your husband about that. She doesn't have to like you as much as your FSIL, but being left out like that would leave me feeling sore too.

MairePoppy · August 2014

chicagobride2013 said:

Yes the cookie recipe was real hurtful. I have asked her to show me how to make these cookies for years. Even asked for the special cookie maker one year and she gave it to the fsil instead. FSIL doesn't even cook. This was actually done on Christmas Day right after I put on an amazing Christmas Eve dinner the night before. I have tried not to dwell too much on the recipe thing but the fact that she is spending a day with fsil making them has made the hurt feelings surface amid feeling excluded all around.

Aw, that's sad. I know how you feel. My MIL was like that. Things got better when I stopped trying to please her. There's not much point in dwelling on the cookie date. Does your husband have a cousin or aunt that you get along with? You'll be amazed at how quickly that will get MILs attention. Also, try to get to know your FSIL better, away from MIL.

As far as all the other stuff goes, the sisters may be used to working as a team and not trying to exclude you. There's not much you can do about it. You've offered your help and they have declined, which is their right as hosts of the shower and bp.

abbyj700 · August 2014

I understand that the cookie recipe hurt your feelings. You're human, it makes sense. But your MIL is not required to have the same relationship with you that she has with all of her DIL's. As @flantastic said - sometimes there are just different levels of relationships.

If you would really like to be closer to your MIL - maybe you need to be the one who extends the olive branch. Find something you know you both like and invite her. Sometimes we expect those who are older than us or in more of a position of power to be the ones who have to take the leap - but that isn't always true. A little effort may go a long way and make your future with your husband even better because you and his mom have burried the hachet.

atlastmrsg · August 2014

Maybe they have enough help already. Maybe they paid helpers to do some of the things they mentioned.

Maybe your taste is not the same as their taste, so they've picked helpers who they identify with better.

Maybe they think you'll have more fun if you just enjoy the wedding day.

This wedding isn't about you. Move along. Go to the wedding, have fun. It's their decisions to make, not yours.

JeeGooDowster · August 2014

Sorry, this is going to come off as harsh and unpopular. I think your MIL is totally going out of her way to make it known she doesn't like you. It sucks about the cookie thing and it seems to me that she has been cold towards you before the FSIL came into the picture.

That being said, she is your husband's mother and she will be in your life forever

Just accept it, don't think too much about it and go with the flow. You'll be much happier that way.

Bubblegum5586 · August 2014

chicagobride2013 said:

As far as my soon to be sil and I being close the answer is not really because her and my husband's brother just moved her last year which we were really excited about because her sister also lives her with her husband. Our first thought was yeah family so close! But she really just does things with her sister. As far as my husband's family...I think my mil dislikes me and my husband disagrees but when we moved here three years ago there was a disagreement. She didn't like how we divided up driving duties and pretty much blamed me. Ever since then there has been a coldness and she does things to exclude me. I have known my husband's family for 10+ yrs so for the new dil to be given family recipes and such is really hurtful. Not that I don't want her to be close to the family I just don't like exclusion without reason. And like I said before it is not about being in the wedding party. It is everything else.

I am confused by this. This is what you are saying is where your relationship went south. What does this mean? I would assume it means that he drove most of the way for your move and she didn't like that? But that can't possibly be it because how does that affect her at all?

This definitely seems like a MIL issue not a SIL issue (as others have already said)

PrettyGirlLost · August 2014

carynNchan said:

Sorry, this is going to come off as harsh and unpopular. I think your MIL is totally going out of her way to make it known she doesn't like you. It sucks about the cookie thing and it seems to me that she has been cold towards you before the FSIL came into the picture.

That being said, she is your husband's mother and she will be in your life forever Just accept it, don't think too much about it and go with the flow. You'll be much happier that way.

Well, not technically.

Dear Prudie,
My grandmother died recently. She was vicious and horrible to my mother (her daughter-in-law) for my parents’ entire marriage, but she and I had a good relationship. Ever since her death, my mother has sort of come unhinged. She wore red to the funeral and refused to stand in the receiving line, saying that she couldn’t accept anyone’s condolences with a straight face. I even heard her humming “Ding, dong, the witch is dead” the other day while she was cleaning out the condo. I understand her relief, but I miss my grandmother. What should I do? Wait it out and hope that she gets it out of her system soon? Tell her how much her attitude is hurting me and my dad? I’m truly at a loss.

—Grieved

Dear Grieved,
Perhaps you should be grateful that your mother didn’t bring a boom box to the burial site and blast “Happy” while doing a Pharrell Williams–style dance on the grave. Your beloved grandmother, by your own account, was unaccountably vicious to your mother for decades. Perhaps, as with the letter above, there were occasions when your mother felt a desire to give Grandma a shove, but not only did your mother always keep her hands to herself, it sounds as if she generally held her tongue. Maybe everyone held their tongues because you don’t mention that anyone ever came to your mother’s defense. Many families shrug off unacceptable behavior with the approach, “Oh that’s just the way Ethel is,” and the object of the ire is just expected to take it. Your mother took it, and while I agree it would have been more appropriate had she donned black for the final farewell, you shouldn’t begrudge her a little song as she cleans out the witch’s wardrobe. You can tell your mother that you and your father loved your grandmother and you’re both grieving so it’s hard to see her celebrating—but it would also be gracious to acknowledge that for your mother it must seem like the end of a reign of misery.

[Deleted User] · September 2014

Coming from a bride I can see both sides...

I kept my wedding party small and intimate. When it comes to making decisions I usually only run my thoughts by my BMs, FI, mother, and FI's aunt. Same goes for when I want help. Not to say you would offer your opinion, but it might be something she wants to avoid just in case. She may be getting a lot of unwanted help (and opinions!) and is just trying to keep things under wraps.

weddingcactus · September 2014

chicagobride2013 said:

My husband's brother is getting married this week and although I have offered numerous times to help with anything they need I am always left out. I am not in the wedding party which is fine with me, it's all her sisters which I am not upset about at all. I've asked to help with showers, b.party, making things, and every time I am shut out. I just discovered they are doing a bunch of wedding set up the day before and I wasn't asked to help. This past weekend they made things and again I was left out even though I have offered. On top of it my mil is having a bonding day with my soon to be sil making the family recipe cookie. When my husband and I got married last year she did no such thing with me. I just can't understand where all this snubbing is coming from when all I have done is offered to help and I mean help not give opinions or comments or suggestions on what she should do because it is her day. I need help figuring out how to set my hurt feelings aside so I can celebrate with them.

First of all, I am sorry that your feelings are hurt. I think everyone has felt left out at some point in time in their lives, and it hurts a lot. But that said, you need to stop expecting to be included on wedding planning/preparation activities and stop taking it personally. You're not in the wedding party. The bride has sisters that are her wedding party and it sounds like they are adequately providing the support that the bride needs. I have a few friends that have offered to help with pre-wedding things and I have not accepted most of these offers. I prefer to do most planning with just my fiance and have selected specific female friends to help with things where I feel they would provide a perspective that fits in with my vision of our wedding. Just because you have certain skills does not mean that you're automatically the right person to help coordinate this wedding. Let this FSIL and her bridesmaids organize this wedding in a way that is right for her and her fiance and stop taking her choices as a personal attack on you. Instead think about how you can (maybe after the wedding) reach out to build a relationship with this woman. Find joy in the relationship you can have with her instead of focusing wanting the same relationship her sisters have with her. I'm not certain I have much wisdom to suggest regarding your MIL. It could be that there is some animosity between you two or it could be that she does not realize that her actions have hurt your feelings. I definitely suggest talking about it with your husband as he might have a better understanding of your MIL.

Not being included

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