New and E-ring Questions

PowerDoc · September 2014

Hi all! I'm longtime lurker, but new to posting and now talk of engagement rings is in the air. So I have a few questions and I'm hoping you all might be able to help me out--it would be super appreciated!

Firstly, the BF has been trying to get me to go to jewelry stores with him, but I'm like, nah, don't like being harassed while I shop. He was trying to say he was trying to figure out my style in case he wants to get me bracelet as a gift. I don't wear bracelets. So as it turns out, he's thinking about rings, and I'm thinking that I want to pick out my own. BF seemed such disappoint. He wants things to be a surprise. I hate surprises. I'm really picky, especially about an item I'll wear for the rest of my life, but I don't want to kill his dreams of surprise and eros. How can I compromise so we both get what we want?

Secondly, in looking at rings, I've found I like marquise cuts, but I want moissanite. The problem is I need to see a stone in person before I buy it, but I can't seem to find jewelers that distribute it. Does anyone know if there's any jewelers using moissanite in either the Chicagoland or Twin Cities area?

Also related, I want to get him an engagement ring, but I feel like unless I go ahead and buy one, he wouldn't wear one, since I think if I tried to get him to shop for one, he'd deflect like, "oh you don't need to do that." But I'd really like his input. Did anyone here get an e-ring for your SO?

Thanks guys! I'm excited to meet you all.

bethsmiles · September 2014

Maybe you could pick out three you love and he could pick one of those? Plus there can always be the element of surprise as to when it's happening.

I don't know anything about the moissanite so I'll skip that.

As for him wearing an engagement ring - if he doesn't want one don't get him one.

phira · September 2014

Hi! Nice to meet you!

I think that if Person A wants to buy Person B an engagement ring, then Person B's preferences about being surprised or not are more important. Basically, like you said, you're picky about jewelry and if you're expected to wear the ring for the rest of your life, you want a say in what it looks like.

I also don't like surprises very much, so I'm, like, 100% with you.

Like @bethsmiles said, one way to compromise is for you to pick some rings you love and he can pick from one of those. Similarly but alternatively, you can discuss styles that you like. Things like, "I like moissanite," or, "I've always wanted a marquise cut stone" are all good things. And there are ways he can still surprise you if that's something he needs--an engraving inside the band, for example.

As for engagement rings for men, my fiancé wears an engagement band. However, he wanted to wear one, and we picked it out together. I felt very strongly about engagement rings: I wasn't okay wearing one if he didn't wear one, too.

I would just talk to him about it. Maybe he'll say he doesn't want to wear one, and honestly, that's his decision. If you're like me, and you only want to wear a ring if he does too, that's worth talking about (in a non-ultimatum fashion), but otherwise, I'd let it drop if he's not interested.

cu97tiger · September 2014

I like @bethsmiles's idea of picking out three designs that you would be happy with, and letting your SO surprise you with one of those.

The engagement process is a great trial run for issues that you will deal with during marriage. You should be able to communicate with your partner about what is important to you, listen to what is important to them, and come to a mutually agreed upon course of action.

Don't discount that your SO has been taught since he was little that he needs to SURPRISE YOU! with an engagement ring. It's hard to turn around society's expectations overnight, so try to be understanding. You should be able to find a jeweler that 1) doesn't pressure you and 2) is willing to get some moissanite stones in for you to look at.

Dignity100 · September 2014

My FI and I choose every aspect of my ring together. That was our decision though. I would probably go with the whole pick out several rings that you like and go from there. If you want to be part of picking the ring, that's a discussion you and your FI need to have and come to a mutual decision. From what you said though, it sounds like your BF would like your input since he's asked you to go to stores. You probably will want to try on a few rings just to make sure you like them as well (I always thought I'd end up with a 3 stone e-ring but I didn't like the way the looked on me).

lavenderfields13 · September 2014

If you want moissanite I think if you go on the big name moissanite sellers' websites they'll have listings of local retailers. Then you can find a place near you that sells them. I agree with PPs that you should go look together and maybe pick out a couple settings and then let him choose so there is still some element of "surprise".

Also agree that if your BF does not want to wear an e-ring then don't try to make him.

PowerDoc · September 2014

Nice to meet you all! These are some great suggestions.

bethsmiles I like the idea of picking out three options, so I'll have to see if that's enough surprise for him...

phira You get me, I love it. I'm such a detail person, and I pick out everything else in life I wear (for a season!), so why wouldn't I pick out my own engagement ring?

Also this: "I wasn't okay wearing one if he didn't wear one, too." I love that your fiance wanted to wear one too, because I struggle with this. I want to wear because symbolically it's important to me, but also because of that, it's important that we both wear them. But like you said, I hesitate because I don't want to bring it up and have it sound ultimatum-y...

Also the engraving is a cute idea!

cu97tiger I guess it really is the surprise thing that has me tripped up. I hadn't really paid much attention to how my friends/family got engaged, but I guess it's pretty common for the man to pick out the ring?? And I think we'll try to find a local designer that could order moissanite.

Dignity100 Yeah! He's definitely interested in what I want. Part of his reservation is that I pick it out myself, then I'll know when the proposal's coming, which I told him isn't the case. But yeah, priority is trying on different styles for sure, that's just why I wanted to find places with moissanite, so we could just do it all in one go and see all the components together.

lavenderfields13 Only one of the sites I looked at had something like that, and even still I had to really dig for it, so I'm wondering if it's just that hidden on all the online distributors?

Thanks everyone for the stellar suggestions! And sorry for the wall of text.

lavenderfields13 · September 2014

I picked out my ring and I was still surprised when he proposed- I had NO idea when it was coming. So I think you need to have a conversation with him if he's worried about it let him know he can still surprise you!

ETA: It's VERY common for women to pick out or help pick out their e-rings nowadays. Like you said it's going to be something you wear for the rest of your life. Even my mom picked out her own ring over 30 years ago.

eilis1228 · September 2014

I'd also like to point out that he could propose either without a ring or with a placeholder ring. My FI wanted me to pick out the ring but still wanted the proposal to be a surprise, so he proposed with my mom's engagement ring and the center stone for the new ring. We then went to a local jeweler to pick out the setting and the other stones. I have a moissanite ring, and FI ordered the loose stone from Moissanite Co. I believe they have a solid reputation for returns/exchanges if you aren't satisfied with the stone and/or ring they send.

AuroraRose41 · September 2014

I can't agree more with PP's about picking out a few settings for him to choose from. My BF actually went ring shopping without my knowledge, and was very overwhelmed. He then asked me to show him styles that I like. I picked out 3 and emailed him links to each one. They were all very similar styles, and he mentioned possibly getting it custom designed, so I wrote a few words in the email describing what exactly I liked about the three (i.e. thin pave diamond band, prong mounted round center stone). I would be extremely happy with any of them, and they all do have slight differences, so he can still surprise me.

He picked it out from there (I think he has ordered it, but I'm not sure), and he is going to surprise me with his proposal (he calls it his "moment"). It was a great compromise for him still being able to surprise me with picking out a ring and I got a say in what the ring will look like. He doesn't have any doubt that I will like the ring and I will get one that I will be happy to wear forever.

GoldenPenguin · September 2014

I gave him a picture of the exact ring I wanted. He sent it to his friend's dad, the jeweler. The jeweler made the exact ring I wanted.

I was BEYOND surprised when he proposed. I had no idea it was coming, and I couldn't even believe how gorgeous the ring was when he put it on my finger, even though I knew exactly what it was going to look like.

phira · September 2014

I want to second what @goldenpenguin said. I actually designed my ring with my fiancé (more accurately, I designed it based on the input he'd given me and what I wanted it to look like), and I still was surprised by the finished product.

kaitlynmichelle · September 2014

FI and I went to a few stores to see rings on my hand and decide what we both liked. I wanted it to be something he liked too!

We came up with a design idea together and I gave him inspiration pictures of specifics I really liked. He then custom designed my ring using those elements and adding in specifics he really liked. My ring looks basically like what I imagined so it wasn't a surprise, but it was still amazing to see all the elements I loved in 3 different rings made into one. He also picked out the stones on his own.

I also like the idea of you could pick two or three you love and let him choose one. Still a surprise but you know you actually will like the ring!

PowerDoc · September 2014

Again, awesome suggestions! Thanks a bunch!

Just to update: I went yesterday on a whim since my ma and I were out shopping, and I found two rings I love. Sent him pics of both, talked about it, and he hates one of them, so I figure when we get the chance to go shopping together, we can pick out some more options together, then maybe, maybe I'll leave the choice in his hands.

LabLove86 · September 2014

I am also planning on a moissanite but wanted to see one in person before making that decision. I think I googled "seeing moissanite in person'' or something similar - what I found was a "Certified Moissanite Distributer" page - and found a jeweler about 15 minutes away from me who is one of those distributers. That page also said that most Zales will carry moissanites.

WildMagelet · September 2014

Did you try Charles & Colvard? They supply stones to the company we purchased my moissanite ring from.

http://www.charlesandcolvard.com/retailers/

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