Chit Chat

Recognizing abuse and Domestic Violence

edited September 2014 in Chit Chat
Sadly, abuse is a reality for many. (One is too many.) Often, those in abusive relationships suffer in silence. Please know there is help. If you're unsure whether or not it classifies as abuse, just call the hotline and talk it out. Every single one of us deserves safety, respect and hope for a better life.

1-800-799-7233 

From their website:

What Does An Abusive Relationship Look Like?

Does your partner ever….

>    Embarrass you with put-downs?
>    Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
>    Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
>    Push you, slap you, choke you or hit you?
>    Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
>    Control the money in the relationship? Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
>    Make all of the decisions?
>    Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away your children?
>    Prevent you from working or attending school?
>    Act like the abuse is no big deal, deny the abuse or tell you it’s your own fault?
>    Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
>    Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
>    Attempt to force you to drop criminal charges?
>    Threaten to commit suicide, or threaten to kill you?

If you answered ‘yes’ to even one of these questions, you may be in an unhealthy or abusive relationship. In this section, you’ll find all sorts of information on different forms of abuse. Don’t hesitate to chat or call us (1-800-799-SAFE) if anything you read raises a red flag about your own relationship or that of someone you know.


It’s not always easy to tell at the beginning of a relationship if it will become abusive.

In fact, many abusive partners may seem absolutely perfect in the early stages of a relationship. Possessive and controlling behaviors don’t always appear overnight, but rather emerge and intensify as the relationship grows.

Domestic violence doesn't look the same in every relationship because every relationship is different. But one thing most abusive relationships have in common is that the abusive partner does many different kinds of things to have more power and control over their partners.

If you’re beginning to feel as if your partner or a loved one’s partner is becoming abusive, there are a few behaviors that you can look out for. Watch out for these red flags and if you’re experiencing one or more of them in your relationship, call the hotline to talk about what’s going on.


  • Telling you that you can never do anything right
  • Showing jealousy of your friends and time spent away
  • Keeping you or discouraging you from seeing friends or family members
  • Embarrassing or shaming you with put-downs
  • Controlling every penny spent in the household
  • Taking your money or refusing to give you money for expenses
  • Looking at you or acting in ways that scare you
  • Controlling who you see, where you go, or what you do
  • Preventing you from making your own decisions
  • Telling you that you are a bad parent or threatening to harm or take away your children
  • Preventing you from working or attending school
  • Destroying your property or threatening to hurt or kill your pets
  • Intimidating you with guns, knives or other weapons
  • Pressuring you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with
  • Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol


Re: Recognizing abuse and Domestic Violence

  • Good idea to make it a sticky. I had to edit to fix some grammar.

  • Thank you for posting this.  It's a very pertinent topic that needs objective discussion.  
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  • I could be totally off base here, but the way I see it, I imagine almost all of us know when we are being abused. We just aren't admitting it or dealing with it in a productive manner if we're hiding it. So I don't think it's so much about needing to explain signs of abuse (unless we are talking about friends looking for signs to start some sort of intervention) but it's more about building people up to be like Senecaf where they aren't going to stand for it the first time it happens. And then having support systems ready to jump in for them to help them through what must be the craziest fucking thing ever to get through it.
  • lc07 said:
    I could be totally off base here, but the way I see it, I imagine almost all of us know when we are being abused. We just aren't admitting it or dealing with it in a productive manner if we're hiding it. So I don't think it's so much about needing to explain signs of abuse (unless we are talking about friends looking for signs to start some sort of intervention) but it's more about building people up to be like Senecaf where they aren't going to stand for it the first time it happens. And then having support systems ready to jump in for them to help them through what must be the craziest fucking thing ever to get through it.
    Hmm, I think we may be talking about two different stages. I don't think everyone knows when they are being abused, at least not until it has become a pattern behavior. Yes, when there is physical violence it is pretty obvious. But all the other styles of abuse aren't as in your face right away.

    For example, gas lighting. Until I read the description on the website, I had no idea this could be considered abuse. It makes sense now but it didn't jump out as abuse to me initially. Abuse signs can build up slowly since at first one tends to rationalize it or second guess it. By the time it's clearly abuse, the damage is done already. The person may lack confidence and strength to leave the abuser. They may think it's deserving and not consider it abuse. 

    I think it's important to seek help as soon as there is any doubt. Speaking to professionals will help clarify things. It may not be abuse but it may turn out to be an unhealthy relationship. The questions above can be a helpful guide to those who are not quite sure where they stand. Also, denial.
  • lc07 said:
    I could be totally off base here, but the way I see it, I imagine almost all of us know when we are being abused. We just aren't admitting it or dealing with it in a productive manner if we're hiding it. So I don't think it's so much about needing to explain signs of abuse (unless we are talking about friends looking for signs to start some sort of intervention) but it's more about building people up to be like Senecaf where they aren't going to stand for it the first time it happens. And then having support systems ready to jump in for them to help them through what must be the craziest fucking thing ever to get through it.
    Physical abuse is easy to see but emotional, verbal, financial, and even sexual abuse can be harder to see in relationships.

    A few definitions, thanks to http://www.asafeplacenh.org/abuse_types.html:
    • Verbal abuse includes name-calling, telling you that you are worthless, that you are a bad parent, shouting, constantly interrupting, telling other people that you are crazy, blaming you for the abuse.
    • Emotional abuse includes threats, isolation, manipulation, insults, destruction of property, public humiliation, and accusations of affairs, threats of suicide, self injury, or homicide if you leave
    • Financial abuse includes controlling all income, not letting you work or keep a job, making you ask for money, giving an allowance, taking your money, or running up debt under your name.
    • Sexual abuse can include forced or coerced sex with your partner, another person, or an object.
    • Physical abuse includes any forceful behavior such as hitting, choking, slapping, using weapons, driving recklessly, holding you down, and preventing you from leaving.

    We think that it's easy to identify these things but I think the first 3-4 can be easily overlooked.
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