Rehearsal Dinner Alcohol

simplyelise · September 2014

My FI's mom and dad (divorced and both remarried and OOT) are evenly splitting the cost of the rehearsal dinner for our Oct 19 wedding. After some issues early on with me feeling like FMIL wanted me to make all the RD decisions while simultaneously questioning everything, my FI took over working with his mom on it. His dad has not been involved with planning other than contributing financially.

They sent out invites yesterday and my FI mentioned to me what they decided for the bar at the hotel where they are hosting the RD: they're going to set a cap (my FI mentioned $300) and then transition to a cash bar after the cap is reached. He said beer was $4 and wine was $5 and we are inviting 40 with about 32 drinking adults expected.

Of course, this wouldn't be my choice, and it's not etiquette approved (I'd be FINE with no alcohol, FI's side would not). But I'm considering just not worrying about it. Clearly she and FFIL are hosting (as stated on the invite), there should be enough for everyone to have an average of two drinks, and I don't really feel like rocking the boat 5 weeks out. FMIL is also bringing drinks to host her OOT family after the RD in her hotel room, so they might take it easy during the actual meal.

Would you mention anything to FI or FMIL? FI is generally very good with etiquette, but he's balancing a lot dealing with FMIL right now and I think this has fight potential no matter how I bring it up. Thoughts?

RebeccaFlower · September 2014

People really didn't drink at our rehearsal dinner, I think 1-2 drinks should cover it. However, since it probably won't be much, I would have maybe $200 with you and tell the bartender that if they reach the tab, to start a new one on your bill.

If you really don't want to pay for it, it's technically not your event but I think it does still reflect on you.

afaber24 · September 2014

If it's being hosted in the hotel bar will people continue drinking after the "official" dinner is over? Will any other family coming into town the night before be walking up to the bar to get a drink? Maybe you and your FI could cover any drinks that go over their cap of $300? You could probably ask the bar to just add any additional drinks onto your tab.

$300 should be pretty close to enough to cover all the drinks depending on how long you're hosting the bar. I would rather set a time that the bar will "close" for the RD guests (ie. the time that the RD is over, IF the bar will remain open for hotel guests).

Be careful of the timing though. After our dinner and 4th of July party that was all properly hosted, my FI uncles hung out at the bar until 2am drinking! You don't want to have a bar tab that was open for 3 hours after you go to bed!

JCbride2015 · September 2014

Yeah, I think because you guys are the bride and groom, and you know about this ahead of time-- you should try to fix it.

Probably the best thing to do is bring your own credit/debit card or a set amount of cash, and ask the bartender to (quietly) run the tab on your dime once FILs' budget runs out. Then have the bar officially "close" when dessert and coffee are served, so the tab doesn't just keep running. That way nobody has to pay for drinks but you aren't making a big show with FMIL. She doesn't even have to know about it.

simplyelise · September 2014

It is not being hosted in the hotel bar, it's in a separate room with it's own bartender. I'd be fine with paying for above $300, but I am positive that if my FMIL found out, she would be offended. I also think FI would be offended because he is sensitive about his family's ability to host.

I might gently bring it up with him that "I'm so excited for this great RD! I do think it's important though that none of our guests have to pay anything at the RD, so maybe we should look at the bar plan again."

For the record, it's not like I've just let everything slide. I've been steadfast about making sure FMIL doesn't tell her cousins they are invited/invite them on FMIL's assumption they won't come, I've also kept her from inviting non-wedding-invited guests to the shower she threw me. I think at a certain point (and maybe I've reached that point at 5 weeks out) I've become exhausted at dying on hills. And wedding fights are basically 90% of the reason my FI ever fight, so it's hard knowing you are essentially going to instigate one.

MNVegas · September 2014

Someone, other than the guests, needs to cover anything over the initial $300. I'd be pissed if I was invited to a RD and then given a bill for my drinks.

What if several of your guests order multiple drinks and you have some guests who don't order until towards the end of the dinner when the $300 limit kicks in. You are going to make them pay for their drinks when other guests had their drinks include? Sorry this is wrong!

simplyelise · September 2014

As I stated in the OP, I do know it's not polite or correct. But when you're dealing with interpersonal family situations, it's not always easy to just railroad people's plans. FMIL is a very sensitive person. Even letting her know FI & I would cover extra bar costs would be seen as offensive to her.

I am going to bring it up with FI today and try to convince him that this is not the best idea. Worst case scenario, I like the idea of just bringing extra cash to cover the amount over.

cafarrie · September 2014

Technically yes, its against etiquette to do it this way. However, I personally wouldn't be offended by this. If I wanted something, I'd buy it - if it didn't matter that much, I just wouldn't drink anymore. I've been to RD's before where 2 drinks were "included" with the meal and anything else we had to pay for and no one had issues. Maybe that would be a better compromise if FIL's don't agree to pay for everything over that minimum? That way at least everyone is getting the same amount if they want it?

JCbride2015 · September 2014

cafarrie said:

Technically yes, its against etiquette to do it this way. However, I personally wouldn't be offended by this. If I wanted something, I'd buy it - if it didn't matter that much, I just wouldn't drink anymore. I've been to RD's before where 2 drinks were "included" with the meal and anything else we had to pay for and no one had issues. Maybe that would be a better compromise if FIL's don't agree to pay for everything over that minimum? That way at least everyone is getting the same amount if they want it?

It's still rude and OP knows this. Just because you aren't subjectively offended by it, doesn't mean it isn't objectively rude.

NYCMercedes · September 2014

martha1818 said:

simplyelise said:

It is not being hosted in the hotel bar, it's in a separate room with it's own bartender. I'd be fine with paying for above $300, but I am positive that if my FMIL found out, she would be offended. I also think FI would be offended because he is sensitive about his family's ability to host.

Stuck in the Box

The thing is, you might offend your FILs but they're the ones making the etiquette blunder in the first place. You might offend your wedding party by making them pay for their own drinks at a dinner that is supposed to be thanking them. So either way you are offending someone. I think as long as you stress how thankful you are that they're hosting they shouldn't be offended that you don't want the guests of honour-your nearest and dearest family and friends- to have to pay for anything. If they do get offended, honestly I'm of the opinion that that's on them because there's nothing to be offended by. Lastly, is your FI on the same page as you? Since they're his parents he should be talking to them so that you're presenting a united front.

Sure., @martha1818‌ .You could just have everyone wear wristbands!

Not!

holyguacamole79 · September 2014

OP, I definitely agree that talking with your FI and revisiting the bar situation is wise. I was a bridesmaid a while back, and the RD was at a nice restaurant. We all assumed that the entire RD was hosted (and nobody told us otherwise). I had 1, maybe 2 glasses of wine to drink. I was COMPLETELY caught off guard when the waiter brought me the bill at the end of the night. One of the BMs didn't even bring her wallet and someone had to cover her.

Just a POV from someone who was once an RD guest and was on the receiving end of bad manners.

simplyelise · September 2014

I'm going to talk about it with FI, but the money part isn't the problem. The problem is that FMIL is going to take offense at us acting like she's not hosting properly (an already well-tread conversation). I'd be fine with paying over the cap, but this isn't a situation of FMIL reaching her budget limit. She's continuing to offer additional help with honeymoon (already paid by FI and I) and other wedding things that are already covered. So I'm not sure why she decided on this option. People on my side will most likely not have more than one drink, so I don't think the cost would be that much more than $300 if we go over that. It's only 1.5 hours or so that we'll be there. So maybe I can get to the bottom of the issue a bit more or see about raising it to $500 and check in with the bartender to make sure we're not getting close. Again, worst case scenario, I'll just sneakily hand the bartender an envelope of cash with a note about the situation!

RebeccaFlower · September 2014

I don't think it's worth bringing it up to FMIL. Just bring some cash and talk to the bartender when you get your first drink.

BlueBirdMB · September 2014

I think you have 2 options 1. Cover whatever goes over the spending cap. If and when it goes over $300, be prepared to cover the rest yourselves. 2. Don't have a bar. You should put your foot down on this one. Since you are fine with covering the extra costs, then FMIL just needs to deal. It's not her money, so she has no say. I'd just arrange it privately with the bartender and pay up at the end of the night and hopefully she won't find out.

Teddy917 · September 2014

Try saying that you were heard a story on the Knot of someone would had a cash bar and the guests side eyed it, and you would never want that to happen to her, since she's being so generous.

jenijoyk · September 2014

I think it would be so easy to cover the tab and FMIL never know about it. Heck, FI could never know about it. I totally get not wanting to point out the umpteenth faux pas (been there!). Just ask the bartender to slyly keep track of the extra drinks and slip him a card or cash at the end of the 1.5 hours. I'm sure the bartender would prefer you cover the drinks too (open bar for guests means more drinks purchased) so he'll be on your side. Tell him to keep hush hush and NBD.

huskypuppy14 · September 2014

Are you just doing beer and wine? That's what my in laws did. In the menu it said, beer, wine, soda, coffee and tea were included.

Like @sarahbear31 said, you don't want it to be awkward for your bridal party to have to pay for something they didn't know was hosted. I think it would be best to close the bar after 300 then to do cash bar.

I went to a baby shower that our table got a bill with our drinks on it. I had to pay for a cranberry juice at a baby shower, not cool.

Is the 40 people just bridal party and dates?

simplyelise · September 2014

@huskypuppy14 the 40 people includes bridal party and dates, pastors (FI is coming to my church after wedding but we're still getting married at his church with my pastor), immediate family, and FI's godparents (two couples). 6 are children, 2 are my teatotaling parents. And yes, as far as I know, it's beer wine, soda/tea/water.

Maybe that's my segue to bring it up again with FI... asking about what drinks are available. Normally I'd be fine bringing it up, but things have been tense with him and his mom. I'm going to lightly broach the subject and if he seems resistant, I'll just slip the money to bartender.

Thanks all!

Rehearsal Dinner Alcohol

Re: Rehearsal Dinner Alcohol

Choose Another Board

Search Boards