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No gifts?

tarheelbyproxytarheelbyproxy member
First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary
edited September 2014 in Wedding Reception Forum
At least half of my guests will be traveling to attend my wedding. My fiancé and I have been living together for a few years now, and we really don't need anything. I was hoping to put something on our wedding website so that they know they are not obligated to buy us a gift AND travel all the way to the wedding, etc. Maybe something like "Your presence is our present. Please, no gifts." And we aren't planning on registering.
I'm not sure how people would feel about that, though. Maybe I could write something like, "In lieu of gifts, please feel free to donate to the American Hearth Society or charity of your choice."
What do you all think? Would people feel put off by this?
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Re: No gifts?

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    beetherybeethery member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    We're not registering either.

    All you have to do is let it spread by word of mouth that you're not registering. People will give whatever they want to give you, whether that be nothing, something they picked out, or cash. No need for a no gifts message.
    --

    I'm the fuck     out.

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    AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Don't mention gifts. Nobody is obligated to buy them, so if you don't want them, just don't register. And if anyone asks, just tell them you don't need anything.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    tarheelbyproxy said:
    At least half of my guests will be traveling to attend my wedding. My fiancé and I have been living together for a few years now, and we really don't need anything. I was hoping to put something on our wedding website so that they know they are not obligated to buy us a gift AND travel all the way to the wedding, etc. Maybe something like "Your presence is our present. Please, no gifts." And we aren't planning on registering.
    I'm not sure how people would feel about that, though. Maybe I could write something like, "In lieu of gifts, please feel free to donate to the American Hearth Society or charity of your choice."
    What do you all think? Would people feel put off by this?
    I would be.  Any mention of gifts whatsoever in a wedding invitation is rude, and I'd extend that to your website.  If someone wants to know what you want as a gift (or not), they need to be the one to initiate the discussion, not you.  Doing this makes you appear to be "expecting" gifts which is in and of itself inappropriate, because weddings are in fact "gifts optional" even though there is an expectation that guests should give gifts to couples whose weddings they are attending.

    If someone wants to take the time, money, and energy out of their life to give you a gift, whether you want to keep it or not, you owe them the courtesy of graciously acknowledging it with a thank-you rather than telling them not to do so.  Once you've done that, the gift is yours to dispose of as you see fit.  But trying to pre-empt the process by telling someone not to give you anything is trying to control what's still their money and their lives, and that's rude and off-putting. 

    And finally, giving to charity is a personal thing for many people, like me, who prefer to decide for themselves if they will contribute and what causes they will support.  If you want to give of your own funds or gifts people have already given you to charity, more power to you, but it's not okay for you to decide for anyone else that they should give to charity, even one of their own choice, as a gift to you or for any other reason  So don't do the "in lieu of" course of action.

    In summary, don't put anything about gifts or no gifts on your website.  By not registering, you are less likely to get boxed gifts you don't want anyway.
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    BlueBirdMBBlueBirdMB member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    I understand why you want to say "no gifts", but according to etiquette, you aren't suppose to mention gifts in any manner, including this one, as it presumes you expected gifts in the first place.  Nobody has to give you a present in the first place.  Don't register, obviously, but if people want to give you gifts, then they will and you will thank them accordingly.

    Please do not do the charity thing.  This is wrong for two reasons.
    1. Again, it presumes that the guest is going to give you a gift
    2. Not everyone supports the same charities.  That doesn't meant the person isn't charitable, just that they may not agree with how the charity is run, or the idea of the charity in itself, and when that person normally donates to a charity, it is a charity of their choice, not the one you deemed appropriate. 

    You'll probably get money if you don't register, but please don't mention gifts in any way on the invitation or website. 
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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    Don't bring up gifts.  Guests are never obligated to give gifts.

    Don't register and decline any offers for showers.  When guests ask, just tell them you don't need anything.

    Some people will give you gifts anyway, because they just want to.  Accept them graciously and donate them later.  
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    artbyallieartbyallie mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    MyNameIsNot said:
    Don't bring up gifts.  Guests are never obligated to give gifts.

    Don't register and decline any offers for showers.  When guests ask, just tell them you don't need anything.

    Some people will give you gifts anyway, because they just want to.  Accept them graciously and donate them later.  
    All of this plus, of course, write thank you notes promptly for any gifts you do receive.
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    tarheelbyproxytarheelbyproxy member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    Got it. Thanks ladies!
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    STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I thought the whole idea was that everyone would be in town for the 4th anyway? If half of them are traveling in and wouldn't usually be there I'm gonna suggest again not taking over a holiday.
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    tarheelbyproxytarheelbyproxy member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    STARMOON44 said:
    I thought the whole idea was that everyone would be in town for the 4th anyway? If half of them are traveling in and wouldn't usually be there I'm gonna suggest again not taking over a holiday.


    My side of the family will be in town. His side will be from out of town. We are only inviting immediate family members and just a handful of friends each. We've spoken to everyone involved, and they love the idea of celebrating with us on what is already a fun day at a really great location. Once again, I have no intention of hijacking the holiday. To be honest, these are people I'd be inviting up to the lake anyway. We are just taking an hour or two in the morning to celebrate our love and joining of our two families. After that hour or two is up, the day is no longer about us. Our wedding is over and the holiday celebration goes on as usual. Every family member we've talked to have been wholly supportive, if not completely enthusiastic about our plan. We will also be holding a bigger celebration closer to where his family lives (and a great number of our friends) a few weeks after. If they are not able to make it to the ceremony at the lake, or don't want us "taking over a holiday," they are more than welcome to come to the later celebration.

    Thank you for your input, Starmoon, but every family is different. For our families, this is what works for us. It may not work for you and your family, but everyone involved is really excited for us.

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