March 2015 Weddings

Discussing finances with family

Hi all!

My fiance and I are recently engaged (last night recently. :)  ), but we have been planning our wedding for a couple of months now informally.  We have our budget set at $12,000-$13,000, and are planning on having our family help us.  My fiance asked for both of my separated parents blessing, and my mother/stepfather told him they would give us 5k + my dress + honeymoon, which is amazing.  We would like to ask for contributions from his family and my dad as well, and have it set up for both of them to give about $1,200 each, leaving us to save up for the other $4,000-$5,000.

Soo, first - do you think it's fair to ask the other family members for the much lesser amount, or would that make my mom/stepdad feel like the others are not contributing, even though they offered the larger amount?

Second, how would you bring up the subject for asking if they are going to contribute?  We figured the way we would work out the money was to give them both specific, we'd like you to pay for x (e.g. cake, photography, alcohol, etc.) rather than ask for the specific amount.

Any suggestions?  Thanks y'all. :-)

Re: Discussing finances with family

  • First of all congrats!! Second of all. You cannot ask anyone to financially contribute. For anything. And you certainly cannot go to them with a list of what you'd like them to pay for. If you want to inquire about if they do intend to offer to contribute, don't. They will offer if they plan to. The best advice you can get is to plan the wedding you and your FI can afford, without any help from anyone else. You said your mom/stepdad would give you 5k - which is a very kind and generous offer!! But until that money is in your hands, don't plan to use it. The worst thing would be to plan your wedding with these financial contributions in mind, only to have it fall out from under you. Discuss with your FI what the two of you an comfortably afford. Then, if family members offer to contribute, you can make some upgrades in certain areas. Congrats again and happy planning!!!
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  • @tcnoble Thank you!  We are super excited.

    I think all of that sounds like great advice - I have been feeling uncomfortable with this whole financial thing, and I guess I was just brought up old-school where I had always heard the families help pay a significant chunk of wedding expenses - but by just going with our savings and letting any other help fall into place naturally would definitely take some of the stress out of the situation for us. :-)
  • Thank you for being so receptive to advice - that will take you a long way on these boards!! You will feel so much better if you plan a wedding YOU can afford, and any extra money can go towards upgrades or savings for your future together. Happy planning and welcome to the boards!!! :)
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  • tcnoble hit the nail on the head. Until the money is in your account, pretend it doesn't exist! GL & Welcome


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  • Congratulations!  It's so exciting to actually start planning!!!
    I have nothing to add.  Tcnoble said it perfectly. 
  • tcnoble that you shouldn't come with a list of things you want family to pay for.  HOWEVER, I would breach the subject by letting your family know the budget you're shooting for. This will help them make a decision about what they might be financially able to contribute.
  • I agree, talking about finances can be a awkward conversation. I knew my parents would most likely want to contribute so when I was trying to set a budget, I took the approach of talking to them about it without asking. I said that my finance and I were planning to pay for the wedding and if they would like to contribute, they were welcome to do so but that we did not expect them to pay for the wedding. My Dad was very appreciative of this and a few weeks later asked to go over the budget with me and decided to pay for the rentals (tables, chairs, tents, dance floor) which was our largest expense. My mom and Stepdad took a similar approach, paying for my dress and the photographer. It think it feels more tangible to pay for something large than just contributing cash. But each family functions differently and you should feel free to do what is best for your situation. Bringing up the issue made it much easier to plan without the "elephant in the room" of what your expectations are of them and vice versa.
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