Snarky Brides

Is it too much to ask for a dam* text message?!

So, was it wrong of me to have a talk with one of my BMs who has been completely absent from my life throughout this whole planning process?  She is a new mom--BUT BEFORE you bite my head off, understand a few things:

-I haven't asked or expected anything from her, except for anything a regular person/friend would do:  maybe just a FB message saying hi, or text asking me how I am doing (not ONCE in a year).

-I have reached out to her repeatedly and specifically just to ask her about her life, asking her how she is doing, how is motherhood, is she OK, etc.

-I haven't wanted to bother her or stress her out with wedding stuff because she is a new mom and has a lot going on

-When she got married, I was a BM and bent over backwards doing "extra" things for her, like going to fittings, helping HAND MAKE invites, going accessories shopping, etc. etc.

-Her sister was a new mom when she got married, and was so uninterested in my friend's wedding and made everything about the baby (like, to the point where her sister didn't trust her own husband to baby sit) and my friend left her own bach party in tears over it all

 

If it wasn't for all of these above factors, I wouldn't be so hurt that she hasn't once reached out to me, asked me how I am, just taken 2 seconds out of her day in the past year to text me!  That is literally all  I want--just show that you care a little bit!  I am trying to be really sensitve to this new, important time in her life.  We don't get to see each other much.  We hung out recently and the ENTIRE TIME she never once said, "Hey how are you? How's the planning going?"  Literally the entire time was centered around her and her baby.  It was actually kind of weird/rude to not just say how are you.

I tried to bring this up in the nicest way possible, and she flipped out on me and, once again, made it all about herself and her baby ("you don't visit him enough, you don't care to spend time with him"...umm side note: I have visited as much as I can for someone who lives in another STATE and is planning a wedding on my own with no help/support from you!).  I felt like I couldn't hold it in anymore.  I feel like an important time in my life has been completely belittled by my "friend."  She had HER turn, I was there for HER, and I am trying to be supportive with this new milestone in her life!  Why is it so much to ask for a damn text in return.  There has been SO much upsetting drama and stress and issues behind the scenes with our families that my fiance and I were not expecting with this wedding.  But she wouldn't know, because she hasn't asked me!  And every time I call her, it's to ask her how she is/how the baby is.  UGh!

 

Re: Is it too much to ask for a dam* text message?!

  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    fdjlka said:

    So, was it wrong of me to have a talk with one of my BMs who has been completely absent from my life throughout this whole planning process?  She is a new mom--BUT BEFORE you bite my head off, understand a few things:

    -I haven't asked or expected anything from her, except for anything a regular person/friend would do:  maybe just a FB message saying hi, or text asking me how I am doing (not ONCE in a year).

    -I have reached out to her repeatedly and specifically just to ask her about her life, asking her how she is doing, how is motherhood, is she OK, etc.

    -I haven't wanted to bother her or stress her out with wedding stuff because she is a new mom and has a lot going on

    -When she got married, I was a BM and bent over backwards doing "extra" things for her, like going to fittings, helping HAND MAKE invites, going accessories shopping, etc. etc.

    -Her sister was a new mom when she got married, and was so uninterested in my friend's wedding and made everything about the baby (like, to the point where her sister didn't trust her own husband to baby sit) and my friend left her own bach party in tears over it all

     

    If it wasn't for all of these above factors, I wouldn't be so hurt that she hasn't once reached out to me, asked me how I am, just taken 2 seconds out of her day in the past year to text me!  That is literally all  I want--just show that you care a little bit!  I am trying to be really sensitve to this new, important time in her life.  We don't get to see each other much.  We hung out recently and the ENTIRE TIME she never once said, "Hey how are you? How's the planning going?"  Literally the entire time was centered around her and her baby.  It was actually kind of weird/rude to not just say how are you.

    I tried to bring this up in the nicest way possible, and she flipped out on me and, once again, made it all about herself and her baby ("you don't visit him enough, you don't care to spend time with him"...umm side note: I have visited as much as I can for someone who lives in another STATE and is planning a wedding on my own with no help/support from you!).  I felt like I couldn't hold it in anymore.  I feel like an important time in my life has been completely belittled by my "friend."  She had HER turn, I was there for HER, and I am trying to be supportive with this new milestone in her life!  Why is it so much to ask for a damn text in return.  There has been SO much upsetting drama and stress and issues behind the scenes with our families that my fiance and I were not expecting with this wedding.  But she wouldn't know, because she hasn't asked me!  And every time I call her, it's to ask her how she is/how the baby is.  UGh!

     


    She gets a pass. Every new mom gets a pass. Even if she's not suffering from clinically diagnosed post-partum depression, her hormones are going wildly crazy trying to get back to her new normal. She's also adjusting to a dramatically different day-to-day life. Yes, it would be nice if she were to ask how you are doing, but again, she gets a pass.
    STARMOON44holyguacamole79novella1186vegasbride2015
  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope. member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    She doesn't owe you time to talk about wedding stuff, just like you don't owe her time to talk about baby stuff.
    --

    I'm the fuck out.

    image
    rsbloom
  • I understand that no one "owes" anyone any time, but isn't that just called...being a friend?
    blondeej
  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope. member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    People have phases of being absentees. It's not great, but it happens. Neither of the major personal events going on in each of your lives is as important to the other as it is to you.
    --

    I'm the fuck out.

    image
    wrigleyvilleLDay2014novella1186
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    She doesn't have to help you at all when it comes to your wedding. Just because you voluntarily helped her doesn't mean she has to return the favor. So I am just going to remove all wedding stuff from your OP and base it off the basic friendship stuff instead. Yeah, new Moms are pretty much in their own heads after they have babies. I have seen many that lose themselves completely and it is all about the baby for months if not years. I don't, however, thinks she gets a pass when it comes to basic friendship stuff. Yes, she just had a baby but that doesn't mean that she can't ask how you are doing or how your life is going (again taking wedding stuff out completely). A simple, "hey how are you doing?" shouldn't be something that is difficult to provide especially when you are in the middle of a face to face meet up. But just like the wedding is pretty much the major thing going on in your life the same is true about the baby in hers. And just because you branch off and ask her how she is without mentioning the baby doesn't mean that she has to do the same for you. Does that mean it is okay to throw a friendship to the side just because you had a baby? No, but just know that stuff like that happens even if the person in question had the same thing happen to them.

    rsbloomBubblegum5586LDay2014
  • Yeah, I understand that.  I think I am just realizing that said friend has been making it a habit to be absent from every major milestone of my life, and maybe the friendship is a little too one-sided.  I have been there for every important milestone to her:  first apartment/housewarmings/dinner parties/engagement/wedding event, etc. and when I call her up now that these imporant events are happening in my life, it has been, "Oh, we can't make it, we're busy"  and now "well I can't come visit you, I'm breastfeeding"  like, what?? I cannot even imagine how new and challenging and exiting this time in her life is, but at least act like you give a f*** that it's an important time for me as well!
  • But this is what is getting me--because she is a new mom (and because I realize other people have lives and my wedding is NOT more imporant than that)--I haven't wanted or expected anything "extra," such as what I did for her wedding. I am simply very hurt that she can't even say "hey, how's it going?" or reached out to me, being a BM in my wedding, regardless of being a new mom or not. It's really sh*tty and hurtful.
  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope. member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Sounds like a fair-weather friend. Don't waste your time on her if it bothers you. 

    If she gets all the shit she needs for your wedding and shows up like she's supposed to, that's the most you can ask of her. If she falls off the planet between now and then, and after, that's on her. 

    Some people just aren't great friend material.
    --

    I'm the fuck out.

    image
    Maggie0829
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    beethery said:
    Sounds like a fair-weather friend. Don't waste your time on her if it bothers you. 

    If she gets all the shit she needs for your wedding and shows up like she's supposed to, that's the most you can ask of her. If she falls off the planet between now and then, and after, that's on her. 

    Some people just aren't great friend material.
    So much this.  I can only go off by what is written in your post but if she is like this with other people as well then she is really only in friendships for what she can get out of it rather then making it a two way street.  If you are going to be someone's friend then be their friend whether something revolves around you or not.  She doesn't seem to be doing this.

    STARMOON44rsbloomholyguacamole79novella1186
  • My maid of honour has 2 kids under 5 and my other bridesmaid has 4 dogs that are basically like her children. I see them rarely. I don't even talk to them that often to tell the truth. We're all busy with our lives and jobs. When we do see each other we make it count though. I don't think they owe me anything regarding the wedding other than looking for a dress (which we found a time and did). They are also planning a shower and bachlorette party for me which is awesome.
  • I think you make time for the people you want to make time for. I am a new mom, my son is almost 4 months old and I am also planning my wedding for next March, needless to say, I have a lot on my plate. But when my best friend (a bridesmaid in my wedding) got engaged this spring and asked me to be in her wedding next year, I was so excited. She lives four hours away and we still make time to talk on the phone at least once every couple weeks (with texts in between). I know how special this time is for her and make time to recognize that, as she does the same for me. You do this for people you care about no matter how busy you may be. 

    I would say to cut her some slack because this is a huge life change but its ok to tell her your feelings because if she is really your friend, she will try harder to remember to celebrate this time with you. Sending a text is not that hard. 
    Maggie0829holyguacamole79yogablossomnovella1186
  • All of these things may be signs pointing to the fact that maybe you're not as close now as you used to be. Friendships change over the years, you grow closer or grow further apart depending on the life events that you both are experiencing. Its possible that she feels like you two don't relate to each other well since she's got her child and you're not at that life stage. 

    Again, if you are making these efforts to connect on multiple levels other than your wedding then it sounds like you are in the clear. You could try having a more direct conversation about it, or you could just see what happens if you put less effort into it. I guess it depends on how you feel about your friendship with her. 
    mrsk616
  • I had a friend that was just the opposite during the planning process.  Her due date was actually a week after our wedding. (And she made it- no pressure from me. I would have wanted to stay home and sleep at that point.)  I wanted to talk about baby stuff and she always wanted to talk about wedding stuff.  I'm sorry you are going through this...

    Could you maybe call her and use the "I'm so stressed out with the wedding and I am sure you are with the baby, let's make it a wedding and baby free time to catch up!".  Don't know if that will work or not- you may find you have nothing to talk about, but if the friendship is worth rekindling maybe that will help.  Or maybe call and ask her about her wedding and what she remembers so the talk is all about her for a bit but not about baby?  I agree its a crazy time in her life, but she may need a moment to remember that she is not just mom, she's a person all her own too. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • It's gotten to the point where it's really hopeless I guess.  I think me talking to her was a little bit of a wakeup call, but not by much. 

     

    The other day, I confided in one of our mutual friends (not a BM) about all of it because I have just been really sad about it.  Our mutual friend told me she (the BM) has been acting the same way to her, too--just literally doesn't care that anyone else has a life.  This mutual friend of ours bought a plane ticket and flew up to visit BM and the baby when the baby was born.  She extended her trip a few days so that she could visit with other friends, as well.  Afterwards, BM did the same thing to mutual friend--freaked out on her and accused her of not spending enough time with the baby, all because she took some additional days to see other friends.  This is getting crazy..

     

    Mutual friend also told me that BM was talking smack about my wedding the other day after I talked to her (!!!!), telling mutual friend, "When you get married, elope" and "you wouldn't believe this wedding sh** I have to deal with."  .......Um, what "wedding sh**" are you referring to?  Ignoring me for a year?  I am just concluding that she is not a true friend and she doesn't seem to be truly happy or supportive for me the way I was when it was her turn. 

  • Its difficult for some people to be happy for others when they are unhappy.

    Sounds like she's going through a big adjustment.  Not saying it makes her behavior OK - but personally I'd express some concern and see if there is anything left in the friendship to be salvaged.
  • blondeejblondeej member
    Fourth Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited September 2014
    Was she a good friend pre-baby? And this is all new? It doesn't sound like it since you said she's basically been absent from your life for a year.

    My MOH and one of my BM's live 1000 miles away from me. I speak to them both almost daily - if not 5 times a week. Distance and life getting busy aren't excuses to not need/want your friends. Friendships should be easy and natural, not work. :(  Friendships grow and blossom and some also fade away. Sounds like this one is past it's prime and needs to be let go of! Hugs to you girl I am sorry, I've been there.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Hi. Sounds like she's either a shitty friend, or you have some unrealistic expectations. Either way, why would you have her as a bridesmaid? You can't make another person do/act in a certain way. Unless you like banging your head against a wall as a hobby, I guess.
  • rajahmdrajahmd Galifrey member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    Completely random, but why is "damn" censored in the title?

    TK doesn't censor and doesn't care if we curse, so either use the full curse word or don't use it at all. It seems silly to change one letter to a stupid asterisk.
    Anniversary
    beethery[Deleted User]
  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope. member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited September 2014
    RajahBMFD said:
    Completely random, but why is "damn" censored in the title? TK doesn't censor and doesn't care if we curse, so either use the full curse word or don't use it at all. It seems silly to change one letter to a stupid asterisk.
    Ya god damn skippy Rajah. Of all the boards, THIS IS THE ONE TO USE CUSS WORDS ON :)
    --

    I'm the fuck out.

    image
    rajahmd
  • rajahmdrajahmd Galifrey member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    beethery said:


    RajahBMFD said:

    Completely random, but why is "damn" censored in the title?

    TK doesn't censor and doesn't care if we curse, so either use the full curse word or don't use it at all. It seems silly to change one letter to a stupid asterisk.

    Ya god damn skippy Rajah. Of all the boards, THIS IS THE ONE TO USE CUSS WORDS ON :)

    Fuck yeah!

    (Insert appropriate gif here)
    Anniversary
    beethery
  • Cookie PusherCookie Pusher Looking over your shoulder member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    image
    ~*~*~*~*~

    beetheryrajahmdnovella1186
  • As a lurker for the past few months, I have seen SO many people comment on why you should wait until your wedding is closer to appoint BMs. People change, and thus relationships change. You mentioned that your relationship with her has deteriorated over the past year and you've barely spoken, indicating that you probably asked her prior to a year ago.

    Perhaps it's worth sitting down with her and finding out if she still feels like she has the time to be a BM. I would approach it not as a "if you're out of the wedding, you're out of my life" discussion, but more an acknowledgement of how much she has on her plate right now and you not wanting to add to that stress. Let her know you still want her to attend your wedding, but as a care-free guest without obligations.

    __________________________________________________________________________

    image

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • To respond to some comments:

    -I didn't know you couldn't curse. 

    -I wasn't going to ask her at all, had it not been for a thank you card she gave me when I was a BM in her wedding, in which she wrote something along the lines of, " Remember when we were little and we promised to be BMs in each other's weddings..." and I was like, shit, I don't even REMEMBER making this promise!!  So I felt weird and obligated and guilty.  I absolutely should have waited and taken my time with thinking who I wanted to be there.  Too late now.

    -Finally, no, she was not a very good friend before this, and this has kind of been the final nail in the coffin to me realizing the frienship isn't what it used to be.  An examply would be that, prior to this, every time I would invite her over to see my new place (my very first place moving out on my own), she would always give me an excuse and decline, to the point where it became 2 YEARS before she visited me, and this was after I had to have another "talk" with her gently telling her in the nicest way that she has been a non-friend.  (Meanwhile, I have been expected to go to her housewarming and every other dinner party and celebration and event that she's had over the years). Friendship is a two-way street, and I guess when you have to keep constantly reminding or telling someone how to be a friend, then they aren't a friend at all. 

    So now I know, and I guess the hardest part has been realizing that just because you have known each other for a long time or have been friends since you were little, doesn't mean the friendship can always last.  People grow apart, and people who are constantly one-sided and not making an effort to care about you or be happy for exciting things in your life aren't really true friends after all.  The sad part is, I don't even think she has been acting like this to me or our other friends in a malicious, mean way, I think she is just clueless and maybe a little selfish.

This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards