How to help Fi with anxiety?

JCbride2015 · September 2014

**Please don't quote**

TLDR: Fi has anxiety, it's messing up our lives, he's nervous to see a doctor. How can I help?

I haven't mentioned it before because I know Fi is self-conscious about it, but I think I need a little advice and some of you are in similar situations. Fi clearly has an anxiety issue (at least, clear to me). He gets a lot of stress around decision-making, and he sometimes gets paralyzed by fears that he will mess something up.

He finally said to me the other day he thinks he wants to see a doctor about it. But he doesn't want any kind of "talk therapy--" he just wants a prescription that will help him. I told him he will probably need to do some talking, too. Then he was like, I'll think about it.

So those of you with partners who struggle with similar issues, or yourselves with similar issues-- what can I do to help him? I don't want to push him too much, but this is really getting to a point where things are not getting done. And it's going to be more important when I start working, because I won't be home to just make calls and set up appointments when he isn't feeling up to it.

**Please don't quote** Edited to delete some details.

climbingsingle · September 2014

I suffer from anxiety. I went to my PCP and he prescribed me klonopin. It helps immensely. I don't have to do any therapy talk with him (only at first to discuss the problems I was having). I have a check up with him every 3 months. He makes sure I'm doing OK and rewrites my prescription for me.

smalfrie19 · September 2014

I feel like I also minorly suffer with anxiety. Somedays I wish I had something to calm me down, because even FI can't. I fight being medicated because I also don't want to be "labled", but I do see a therapist every other week because it helps me. Having someone there to talk about things and occasionally validate my feelings really helps me.

I would try encouraging him to maybe just sit down with a therapist once. I know its REALLY scary and my first session I had a hard time letting loose and putting it out there. It does get easier.

I hope you can find what is best for your FI.

holyguacamole79 · September 2014

I have anxiety. Mine manifests in different ways than your FIs. I see a psychiatrist and a therapist. I was scared as hell about the label at first. I thought it meant that I was "damaged goods" in some way, so I can see where he's coming from.

I'm really lucky in that my psychiatrist does a 30 minute medication session where he actually talks to you and does a mini-therapy session. He helps me identify times when I am catastrophizing situations and gives me tangible exercises to help me cope. It REALLY helps because I can hear his voice in the back of my head in many of these moments. My therapist does this as well. It really helps to be able to identify what the trigger is and be able to talk yourself down.

As a partner, my husband is great at being patient. He is good about helping me to see what is an immediate need and what can be done later. For example, if he knows that I'm anxious, he'll say "what HAS to get done before lunch? Don't think about anything that doesn't have to be done before lunch." Regarding wedding planning (and I'm sure you don't do this), take things in steps. If the officiant is the "issue" at hand, just talk about that. Don't bring up the caterer or the DJ - just focus on the officiant.

I know you said your FI was raised Catholic. Does he have other issues with talking to his priest? I know that for many people, priests are daunting. And there is the underlying "Catholic guilt" that he may be experiencing for not still being a practicing Catholic. So, that will probably be even more complex of a hurdle than it may seem. Ask him why he is hesitant to talk to him. Often times, it's easy to exaggerate things in your head without thinking about the realities. For example, if FI says that he's nervous that Fr. X might comment that he hasn't been to church in a while, say "I really don't think he would say that. I'm sure he'll just be happy to hear from you." Sometimes it just takes another party to validate what you KNOW to be true, but your anxiety is telling you the opposite.

I hope this helps. You can totally PM me if you want more advice.

falsara · September 2014

I have no advice to give you except for keep encouraging him to take care of himself for his own sake. I will give you plenty of internet hugs and hug gifs though, because this is really tough stuff and he can only help himself with it.

esstee33 · September 2014

I've had anxiety most of my life, sometimes medicated and sometimes not, depending on how well I'm coping with it in regards to everything else going on in my life. Generally speaking, I have to get to a point of complete and utter doneness before I'll consider medication again, because most of them make me very sleepy and totally apathetic, even on the lowest doses. That said, my regular doctor knows about the anxiety and has offered me a prescription anytime I want it. But since I'd rather be anxious than feel nothing, I've also been to a regular therapist who has not offered any medication. Talking to her has been more helpful than any med I've been on, because she can pinpoint the ways in which I'm causing my own anxiety by playing out every possible hypothetical situation and stressing about completely made-up things. Sometimes her just saying "you're fortune-telling again" is all I need to be like "Oh, right. This thing I'm freaking out about isn't even actually happening, and the odds of it actually happening are pretty low."

I'd highly suggest he tries either medication or just one session of therapy to see which he feels will be more helpful, because it sounds like he's getting to the point where he's losing control over it.

JCbride2015 · September 2014

Thanks everybody.

@ClimbingBrideNY-- that's really helpful to know your PCP can give you the Rx and you feel it's helping you. Ideally I think this is what Fi wants, so maybe he should just try his PCP first.

@Smalfrie19-- yep, the "labeling" thing bothers him. I have been to therapy myself and found it very helpful, but he never has. Maybe starting with PCP is the thing to do and he'll feel more comfortable going if he has the PCP recommendation for a therapist.

@Sarahbear31-- I think "Catholic Guilt" is probably a factor. He did just IM me though shortly after I wrote this post, saying he might want to try an Episcopalian church. He actually said (finally, an answer) that he does want to find a church to attend on Sundays. Yay! Progress! He also said I can make appointments with a few non-denominational officiants. But I will still encourage him to call his hometown priest, because I think he has weird feelings about whether it's okay to go to another church/ whether to start practicing Catholicism again/ getting married outside the church. I have met the hometown priest and really like him, and I think he'd be happy to talk to Fi if Fi would just call.

doeydo · September 2014

I have bad anxiety and am on medication for it. I don't really know of anything you can do for him other than be there for him. Also, if he finds out some coping mechanisms, you can say something like "Are you getting anxious? Maybe you should try grounding" and hopefully over time he can do this for himself.

daria24 · September 2014

My H has anxiety, and has similar problems (talking on the phone is torture for him, he doesn't make decisions easily, he will do ANYTHING online to avoid actual human interaction etc). He did go to therapy for a long time, and was on medication. He stopped about 3 years ago and has been handling it on his own. He mostly controls it with yoga/meditation, and also he joined a guitar group that has strangely been an outlet. He mainly stopped going to therapy because he felt he had plateaued, he didn't think he would get more out of it. And the notion of trying to find another therapist, which involved talking on the phone...oy.

The last time he had a pretty bad flare-up, I contacted an acquaintance who is a psychologist and asked her for some links to find a new therapist. There's a group in Manhattan that is basically a placement service-you have a short interview with an organizer who pares you with someone they think would be a good fit. They have sliding scale fees, and H ended up not using the organization because they didn't take our insurance and we make too much money, so the fees were wayyyy higher than going to someone who takes our insurance.

Also, talk therapy is the most common kind of of therapy, but it isn't the only one. There are a bunch of skills-related techniques that teach you more mechanisms to handle your anxiety, versus simply "talking it out." DBT is one of them, you guys could do some research into someone who provides that kind of therapy.

holyguacamole79 · September 2014

That's awesome that he wants to start finding a church! And talking to his hometown priest sounds like a good avenue, too. I think any priest would respect and agree that if your beliefs have changed and no longer align with the Catholic Church's, then it's best to find a place that can spiritually feed you.

kat1114 · September 2014

Both FI and I suffer from anxiety in some form or another. For the most part, it's under control, but there are some things that can trigger it. I went to see a therapist who ultimately prescribed me pills, which I only take if needed. FI went to his PCP who gave him Klonopin and pretty much just lets him renew it as needed.

I thought talking to a therapist was helpful, as she gave me non-prescription ideas on how to cope, which really helped. FI has no interest in going that route, so I didn't push that on him.

I think the most important thing is to support FI by listening and asking if there's anything you can do to help. I would shy away from pushing him into anything he doesn't want to do (no matter how frustrating it might be). I would recommend that he try deep-breathing. My mom pushed it on me for years, and I ignored her, but it really does help.

wandajune6 · September 2014

I've always been an anxious person but after a traumatic incident years ago, I've found myself prone to anxiety attacks. I have a collection of prescriptions available to me but don't like taking them. The odd help with an attack is ok (though I've weaned myself off of them for the most part), but I don't like the feel of full-time meds.

I was incredibly resistant to the suggestion but I've had great luck with breathing exercises. I understand the desire to find a pill that just fixes everything, but learning to cope might prove more helpful longer term.

KatieinBkln · September 2014

I don't have great advice for you, just hugs. I think he's headed in the right direction already, having asked about options.

I hope he can get over the "label" issue--the truth is now that we're adults there are very few labels that anyone else even has to know about (unlike childhood, where you can be "the ADD kid" or the "learning disabled kid" or what have you). I wish everyone (by which I mean society, not your FI in particular) could get on board with the idea that the label is just the first step in taking care of yourself, which is an important step in being a functioning adult. If everyone on earth could say, "Yeah, I have [insert depression/anxiety/dyspraxia/whatever here] and I'm taking care of it" and be proud of that, how much better would things be? Sometimes I think we all get caught up in the scary diagnosis-words, and feel like it's a sentence, rather than a descriptor.

SBmini · September 2014

It sounds like your FI is concerned about the stigma of a mental health label. I think the best thing for you to do is to make him aware of the fact that he's not alone and he isn't abnormal. So many people suffer from anxiety. It is just a disease like type 1 diabetes or anemia. There's nothing that someone does to get it, they just have it. And there is no shame in having it because it doesn't mean something is inherently wrong with you, just that part of your body doesn't function exactly like it is supposed to. Here's some famous people who suffer from anxiety disorders: http://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/famous-people-with-anxiety-disorder I would start by having him go to his normal doctor and talking to them. They may be able to prescribe him something, or if not, refer him to the right person for him. But I'm sure it will be easiest to speak to someone he knows about this first.

IrishPirate60 · September 2014

JC, there's great advice here. I offer one more small tool. I use this often with the people I work with who are dealing with anxiety brought on by the situation (they're in jail!). Google "square breathing" images. It's easy to do and can be used without other people even knowing that you're doing it--which can be a great help if you can't go away from the situation. You are a terrific partner and friend. Kudos for not taking it personally. That would be so easy to do and so not helpful!

kns1988 · September 2014

My experience with psychiatrists over the past decade has been that almost all of them require you to do talk therapy in order to get medication. I'm in PA if that makes a difference. There are some psychiatrists out there who will prescribe meds without the talk therapy involved, but they were very hard for me to find. A good place to start would be with his PCP.

Have you told him this is impacting your lives together in a negative way? I've been off meds now for a year, but my fiance and I have an agreement that if he ever tells me he thinks I need to go back to a doctor, I will. It's because when I'm in the throws of anxiety and depression, I sometimes don't recognize it. I'd encourage you to try to make it clear to him that he's not just making life difficult for himself - he's making it difficult for you, too. That might be the nudge he needs to get to a doctor.

Liatris2010 · September 2014

I would emphasize the benefits of talk therapy. He will pick up lots of skills to deal with his anxiety and speech issues in therapy, and it will help immensely. Problems aren't as troublesome when you know how to deal with them and have the tools you need. That is what he will get from therapy. And, if he doesn't like it after a few sessions he doesn't have to keep going. There is no harm in trying it and he stands to benefit.

JCbride2015 · September 2014

Thanks everyone for the thoughts! I'm will probably talk to him about it tomorrow (we're going to FILs' house tonight).
@daria24 I will mention that he should ask about learning skills, not just talking, in therapy. I think that would appeal to him.
@butterscotchjbeans Wow, now that you mention it, Fi has gotten into accidents before going through stop signs (twice) and I have been in the car when he's almost gone through a red light like it wasn't even there. I didn't even think about that being related to the word problems. Holy shit!
@IrishPirate60 I use square breathing for myself and I have shown it to him in the past, but it's been awhile since we talked about it. I'll bring it up with him. I find it really helpful when I start to get anxious, and I actually used to teach it to my high school students as well.
@SBMini and @KatieinBkln Yes, I think sigma is part of it. It's really sad. He's been very supportive through my PTSD struggle and I don't have a problem talking about my "label" if the subject comes up, so I hope I'm helping contribute to an atmosphere where that's okay. But in general, society is really hard for people with any kind of mental illness or invisible disorder. And thanks SBMini for the list!
@kns1988 Just recently with the cell phone bill, I said something along the lines of, "This is your money that you lost out on because you couldn't follow up with the company. This is really a big deal." And that prompted the discussion about wanting to see a doctor but being afraid of therapy. I haven't really sat him down and talked so much about the impact on me, but that's something I could try. I just don't want to make him feel guilty. I recognize it's not his fault and he's actively trying-- especially with his job.

kns1988 · September 2014

JCbride2015, I definitely understand not wanting to make him feel guilty, but I do think that people are motivated when they realize they're making life hard for the ones they love. I know I can put up with a lot that I bring on myself - I've had years to learn how to deal with my own stress, anxiety, pressure, etc. It was a game changer for me to realize that I'm no longer only impacting myself, and my FI shouldn't have to deal with the collateral damage of my illness.

Guilt isn't always a bad thing when the message is delivered kindly. Good luck talking to him!

ElcaB · September 2014

I don't have a lot of experience with this, so I can't offer much advice. I do hope you two find something to help the situation, though.

How to help Fi with anxiety?

Re: How to help Fi with anxiety?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards