Might as well rant

themuffinman16 · September 2014

God. I HATE when people fight in front of me. Especially when it is something I don't think I can keep quiet about. Like when one person is so blatantly wrong.

My sister does not get along with her FIs sister. The girl is a straight up bitch. She purposely does things to make my sister uncomfortable. She knows how my sister feels about small children holding her children when they are infants. Her FIs sister takes my niece and puts her in her own 3 year-old daughter's lap to hold her. Some people would let a three year old hold a three month old. Some people wouldn't feel comfortable with that.

My sister simply texted FIs sister and said she didn't want to say something at the family picnic, but she did not feel comfortable with her 3 year old daughter holding her baby. She is only three months old and she felt that was too young to hold a 3 month old. Her FIs sister texted back "K." Then her Fi's sisters texted her brother and said "wtf. i didn't know you were so upset over my daughter holding your baby. I will tell her to keep her distance from now on.."

My sister's FI said my sister was shit-stirring and stirring up trouble in their all-ready strained relationship between herself and his sister. He said this right in front of me. I am writing here, because I am not trying to interject into their relationship. (To me, fighting with an audience is a free pass to insert my opinion, but I held back nonetheless.) It was hard. So when you have a beef with someone, and they make you feel uncomfortable, you should just let them do whatever they want to your children as to not "shit-stir?" My sister was not telling her Fi's sister how to raise her own daughter, she was just saying what made her uncomfortable. It just pisses me off that he never has my sister's back when it comes to his sister. I don't know who could read her text message and not think she was reacting poorly to a mother's wishes. I mean, What would it hurt to say, "I'm sorry sis, that's just how my FI feels. But she is the parent, and if she is uncomfortable, she has a right to let you know."

bethsmiles · September 2014

Wow... the sister sounds like an immature brat but your sister's FI sounds like an ass. Your sister is 100% entitled to decide who holds her child and if she isn't comfortable with a 3 year-old holding her (which is completely reasonable!) then that 3-year old doesn't get to hold her - end of story, no discussion.

It's hard enough to have a strained relationship with an in-law but it's even harder when your SO isn't on your side. I'd be livid if my brother's SO was treating him that way and I'd have a really hard time keeping my mouth shut!

jynxiie · September 2014

I feel like if she had said something while it was happening it would make sense but since it had already passed, I would have just left it and made sure it didn't happen again.I mean I completely understand her not wanting a three year old holding a newborn - I just feel like it was the wrong time to have to conversation personally.

But anyways her FI was being an ass for not respecting their relationships privacy and bringing it up in front of you.

bethsmiles · September 2014

jynxiie said:

I feel like if she had said something while it was happening it would make sense but since it had already passed, I would have just left it and made sure it didn't happen again.I mean I completely understand her not wanting a three year old holding a newborn - I just feel like it was the wrong time to have to conversation personally.

But anyways her FI was being an ass for not respecting their relationships privacy and bringing it up in front of you.

It sounds like that's what she was trying to do. How do you make sure it never happens again if you never say anything because the moment passed?

Also, with a person who made this much drama from a simple text message, I seriously doubt saying something around other people would've gone over too well.

themuffinman16 · September 2014

Her fi's sister has other questionable behavior, as well. She is just a terrible person. She gave my niece a rifle when my sister said she did not like guns. (She has young children in the house and is not comfortable with it). His sister takes my almost- niece driving without a permit (illegal). She also encourages my niece to lie to her parents ( my sister found that out in a private message). My sister avoids talking at events because she is a huge drama queen, and my sis did not want to create a scene at a birthday party. I just feel bad for sis. She has a nice guy, I love him, but I hate when he does not treat my sis as an equal parent

themuffinman16 · September 2014

*btw I believe gun possession is up to a parent... You just don't make that choice for someone else's children and someone else's home

jynxiie · September 2014

bethsmiles said:

jynxiie said:

I feel like if she had said something while it was happening it would make sense but since it had already passed, I would have just left it and made sure it didn't happen again.I mean I completely understand her not wanting a three year old holding a newborn - I just feel like it was the wrong time to have to conversation personally.

But anyways her FI was being an ass for not respecting their relationships privacy and bringing it up in front of you.

It sounds like that's what she was trying to do. How do you make sure it never happens again if you never say anything because the moment passed?

Also, with a person who made this much drama from a simple text message, I seriously doubt saying something around other people would've gone over too well.

I should have written that a little better. What I mean by making sure it didn't happen again was not give her the chance to hand my newborn to someone, or pick the baby out of the girls arms. Maybe it's just my crowd but I find people are worse over text then in person, since it's easy to exaggerate text.

--

Now who gives someones child a gun? That is a whole different level of crazy.

STARMOON44 · September 2014

Where is your sister leaving her 3 month old that she's just up for grabs like that? She knows her SIL is a bitch so why not hold on to her own baby or keep her right near by? I agree with husband- not saying anything at the time and texting later is stirring up drama.

themuffinman16 · September 2014

It was at a birthday party. His sister will never take the baby out of my sisters' hands. She will only take the baby when someone else (like his aunts) are holding her. My sister also had a one year old that was running around outside while her Fi was watching football (her Fi disagreed with her and told her they didn't need to keep him in a stroller). My nephew runs faster than the rabbit in a greyhound track. She was probably thankful to only watch the one kid who is constantly I trouble. If she didn't let anyone else hold her daughter, she would have been painted out to be a bitch. (Her Fi's sister has a lot of pull in this family)

themuffinman16 · September 2014

And that is just how it is when you or SO has a large family. The baby will get passed around a lot. You just don't think an adult will let their three year old hold a baby without running it by the parent first. My sis usually knows who is holding her baby, but Fi's sister took her from her aunt.

hellosweetie1015 · September 2014

I was under the impression that Sister texted FSIL while the baby was in the arms of the 3 year old, which is NOT stirring up drama; in fact, it's possibly the most polite way to address Sister's preference without creating a big blowout.

My advice is for her to have a sit down with FI, tell him how she feels like she plays second fiddle to FSIL, and how it feels that FSIL does things knowingly to piss Sister off and that it feels like he's encouraging it.

You were right not to interject yourself into their argument.

As an aside to Starmoon, it was a family gathering. I don't know about anyone else's family, but it's been my experience that new babies usually get passed around like hotcakes at the baby's first big gathering (and every gathering to follow until there's another new baby and/or baby gets to be a toddler). It's entirely possible that FSIL just popped up as Mother Dearest was finishing up, and Mother Dearest just passed her right along.

ETA: As far as FSIL is concerned, I would just not let her hold the baby. It will cause more drama, but until FSIL can respect your sister (and her FI)'s child-rearing choices (no letting the underage unpermitted teenager drive, no handing off a baby to a toddler, no encouraging kids to lie to parents, and for God's sake, if you know a person doesn't want guns in their household, don't fricking give a kid in the household a RIFLE), she has no business being around those kids.

KatieinBkln · September 2014

It seems like this is one of those examples of why the text message is a TERRIBLE mode of communication for anything other than logistics or the occasional tiny personal snippet ("Just got to the restaurant, where are you guys?" "See you at 4" "Love you!"). They just aren't good at anything else because people fill in the blanks with their own insecurities.

I would also say that it sounds like your sister needs to work on being more assertive in person. It's not her fault that her SIL is a bitch, of course, but I would definitely be annoyed if I did something and then heard about it hours later, via text. It's passive-aggressive, and a bit cowardly. It may be scarier in the moment, but the truth is, it is that moment when it's appropriate to say, "Hey, SIL, I know this may seem weird and it's not personal at all, but I just don't want little kids to hold my baby."

SIL may very well pitch a shit fit, but no one can accuse your sis of "shit-stirring" if she actually just asked another adult something reasonable, in a reasonable tone of voice, with witnesses. If SIL freaks out, it'll only make SIL look bad, whereas text messaging later leaves room for people to interpret it as they will.

HaileyDancingbear · September 2014

Your sister should have a talk with her FI about this. This is a huge red flag. The fact that he's automatically siding with his sister, shows that he's not even LISTENING to your sister or allowing her to explain herself, but is instead picking sides and making the situation even harder on your sister. Clearly his sister is using him as a weapon against your sister- and he shouldn't be allowing that to happen.

Your sister needs to put her foot down and say "I want someone who is going to listen to me and actually consider what I have to say. Not someone who is going to judge me/get upset with me based on gossip from other people. Shape the fuck up." In situations like this, her Fi should be by her side and supporting her right to make decisions as a parent, rather than getting dragged into drama by his sister. It's absolutely not ok that this woman is just able to make your sister's life so stressful and tamper with their relationship so easily.

Maggie0829 · September 2014

I would have probably gone over and taken my baby out of the 3 year olds arms and then turned to the 3 year olds Mother and politely said "I prefer if your young child does not hold my baby because I do not feel comfortable with it." I don't understand the point in waiting to say something later through text.

Might as well rant

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