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(Step)Parental Advice Needed (Updated in Comments)

flyingfoxesflyingfoxes member
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edited September 2014 in Chit Chat
So my FI and I moved in together in April.  His kids came here in June (he was deployed, got back in April, they had to finish out the school year).  Anyway, they are 18 and 14.   I don't have kids and never lived with anyone before him. 

So my dilemma....Yesterday morning his daughter came up and said she went into his brother's room to ask him if he wanted breakfast.  There were 3 people in his bed - his friend and his girlfriend (he claims she's just a friend).  Fully dressed...but it shocked her.  She told her dad but he didn't say anything about it.  He and I went to a wine festival, where my courage came up after several wine tastings and I told him I hope we're not having orgies in the basement.  He came home and told the son that we don't sleep 3 people to a bed in this house, and that she'd have to stay on the couch if she stayed over.  

So last night the friends stayed over again....and it honestly bothers me that the girl stays over.  I think it sets a dangerous precedent.  FSS doesn't have a job, doesn't seem to want to GET a job, wants to just play Xbox, and I'm afraid he's never going to want to move out....and this will just add to that if his girlfriends are allowed to sleep over too.  Am I being irrational about this?  It makes me very uncomfortable.  
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Re: (Step)Parental Advice Needed (Updated in Comments)

  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    When my SD was 18, she was kicked out of her mom's house. She ended up moving in with her boyfriend in an apartment nearby. A few months went by and they realized they couldn't make it on their own. I offered to have SD move in with us, but under no circumstances was the boyfriend to live here or stay overnight here. Of course, she turned us down. But, if your under my roof and we're paying for you, then you respect our rules. I would not be okay with it until they were out of school, working, and/or acting like mature adults in a mature relationship. So, yes, i'd be super uncomfortable with that, but it's your FI's place to broach the subject with FSS.

     







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  • flyingfoxesflyingfoxes member
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    I don't have any problems with him doing the talking (I prefer it actually!), I just wanted to make sure that I'm not being irrational or over-reacting.  Even if they're not having sex, this just opens the door to encouraging that next, IMO. 
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  • NdelibleNdelible member
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    As a fellow SM, I feel ya.  Our policy is that we discuss it together first.  We do not have conversations about the kids (he has 2, I have 1, but only mine is home with us) in front of them.  We can disagree on things, but we do not show it to the kids.  We try to work it out first.  

    You didn't say if this is his house or yours.  Or the boundaries you may have set before the kids came home.  We agreed although the house is mine; the home is ours and we make joint decisions about what goes on in it.  I would have the same reservations as you with regards to the GF and the SS.  I encourage you to discuss it completely with your FI.  Blended families are tough and it is imperative that you two are on the same page.  Splits like this can ruin relationships.

    Good luck and keep us updated.
    Happiness is an inside job
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  • flyingfoxesflyingfoxes member
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    Ndelible said:
    As a fellow SM, I feel ya.  Our policy is that we discuss it together first.  We do not have conversations about the kids (he has 2, I have 1, but only mine is home with us) in front of them.  We can disagree on things, but we do not show it to the kids.  We try to work it out first.  

    You didn't say if this is his house or yours.  Or the boundaries you may have set before the kids came home.  We agreed although the house is mine; the home is ours and we make joint decisions about what goes on in it.  I would have the same reservations as you with regards to the GF and the SS.  I encourage you to discuss it completely with your FI.  Blended families are tough and it is imperative that you two are on the same page.  Splits like this can ruin relationships.

    Good luck and keep us updated.
    Good point!  His name only is on the lease (mainly because he's Army and so if something happens we could break the lease and move if necessary), but it's our house (I'm giving him what I used to pay for my mortgage payment until I sold my house last month).  

    It's just so hard to know what I should speak up on and what I shouldn't!  That doesn't mean he'll do what I ask, lol...

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  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    In our home, it was always agreed upon that I would never approach the kids with any type of parental discussions. I myself am not a parent and i'm certainly not theirs. If your FI is comfortable with you speaking to FSS, then that is great! I'd definitely run the whole scenario by FI first and then agree on how you will approach FSS.

     







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  • NdelibleNdelible member
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    april182015bride said:
    Ndelible said:
    As a fellow SM, I feel ya.  Our policy is that we discuss it together first.  We do not have conversations about the kids (he has 2, I have 1, but only mine is home with us) in front of them.  We can disagree on things, but we do not show it to the kids.  We try to work it out first.  

    You didn't say if this is his house or yours.  Or the boundaries you may have set before the kids came home.  We agreed although the house is mine; the home is ours and we make joint decisions about what goes on in it.  I would have the same reservations as you with regards to the GF and the SS.  I encourage you to discuss it completely with your FI.  Blended families are tough and it is imperative that you two are on the same page.  Splits like this can ruin relationships.

    Good luck and keep us updated.
    Good point!  His name only is on the lease (mainly because he's Army and so if something happens we could break the lease and move if necessary), but it's our house (I'm giving him what I used to pay for my mortgage payment until I sold my house last month).  

    It's just so hard to know what I should speak up on and what I shouldn't!  That doesn't mean he'll do what I ask, lol...

    So, it is your home jointly.  You have absolutely the right to state what your preferences are as to who gets to stay under the roof.  And he should respect you on that.  It sounds as if you fear he may be okay with the GF staying over.  Some parents feel it is better to have whatever is going to happen, to happen under their roof so that they can make sure everyone is okay.  FH's ex allows this.  The kids are allowed to have their SOs stay over night and have sex.  I understand that, but still have an issue.  But that is their parental choice.  Let him know how you feel.  

    My BFF married a man with two kids and after college, the son lived with them but didn't have a job.  After about a year, her H put his foot down and said that in order to stay, the son had to get a job or move out.  Guess what?  He moved out.  They are still together and the family is a bit stronger.  Talk with him.  You might be surprised.  Your FI might secretly want you to say something!
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  • flyingfoxesflyingfoxes member
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    Jells2dot0 said:
    In our home, it was always agreed upon that I would never approach the kids with any type of parental discussions. I myself am not a parent and i'm certainly not theirs. If your FI is comfortable with you speaking to FSS, then that is great! I'd definitely run the whole scenario by FI first and then agree on how you will approach FSS.
    Oh no, I completely agree with your first assessment that it should be FI that does the talking.  I agree with you also that I'm not his parent, but I am a decision-making member of the household....one of the things that they got used to was that their dad is VERY easy going.  Their mother has mental illness and can only visit with them unsupervised.  I think FI carries some guilt for moving them around so much, being the only decent parent, and then deploying and shipping them off to their aunt's and uncle's last year.  I don't care for the way FSS talks to FI sometimes, but I've already mentioned that, and FSS doesn't speak to me that way (FI would never go for that!).  So they're used to getting their way.  It's so hard to blend stuff together, because I'm going to have some rules too because it's my house as well, so we're all going to have to do some adjusting.  

    ..like yesterday, FI and I were talking about my phone upgrade because we absorbed my contract into his family plan because he was already paying for 4 lines but not using 1 of those.  Makes more financial sense for me to cancel my contract and go on his.  FSS was like, "you're getting a new phone?  The new iPhone?"  and I said yeah, and immediately she turned to him and was like, "that's not fair!  I want the new phone!"  Excuse me?  He told her I have a job, so I can buy whatever I want.  I told her I didn't get whatever I wanted when I was 14 either, I had to wait until I could work to pay for stuff.  
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  • NdelibleNdelible member
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    april182015bride said:
    Jells2dot0 said:
    In our home, it was always agreed upon that I would never approach the kids with any type of parental discussions. I myself am not a parent and i'm certainly not theirs. If your FI is comfortable with you speaking to FSS, then that is great! I'd definitely run the whole scenario by FI first and then agree on how you will approach FSS.
    Oh no, I completely agree with your first assessment that it should be FI that does the talking.  

    Agreed.  Generally, the parental unit does the talking.  However, we have given each other permission to talk to the kids from our own perspective as well - after we have discussed it together first.

    I agree with you also that I'm not his parent, but I am a decision-making member of the household...

    Yes, you are.  And it's important that he support you in asserting that.  We agreed long ago that we may disagree on reprimanding the kids, but we would never do it in front of them, so as to not undermine the authority of the other.

    .one of the things that they got used to was that their dad is VERY easy going. 

    This was my problem with my son.  He's a spoiled only child and the way my son behaved and spoke to me really bothered FH.  Since then, we have agreed that he is allowed to punish/reprimand the little one to establish him as an authority figure.  He behaves much better now.  And I'm not pulling the little hair I have out.

     Their mother has mental illness and can only visit with them unsupervised.  I think FI carries some guilt for moving them around so much, being the only decent parent, and then deploying and shipping them off to their aunt's and uncle's last year.  I don't care for the way FSS talks to FI sometimes, but I've already mentioned that, and FSS doesn't speak to me that way (FI would never go for that!).

    Good for you.  And it's okay for you to say that you don't care for the way she talks to her father.  FH does that all the time with little one.  And it has stopped, because he now sees him as someone to respect.  I'm not talking crazy punishment, but I see a difference in him.  He's the one who asked to call FH "dad".  And that's what he calls him now.

      So they're used to getting their way.  It's so hard to blend stuff together, because I'm going to have some rules too because it's my house as well, so we're all going to have to do some adjusting.  

    Yes, it takes adjustment, but the united front helps a lot.

    ..like yesterday, FI and I were talking about my phone upgrade because we absorbed my contract into his family plan because he was already paying for 4 lines but not using 1 of those.  Makes more financial sense for me to cancel my contract and go on his.  FSS was like, "you're getting a new phone?  The new iPhone?"  and I said yeah, and immediately she turned to him and was like, "that's not fair!  I want the new phone!"  Excuse me?  He told her I have a job, so I can buy whatever I want.  I told her I didn't get whatever I wanted when I was 14 either, I had to wait until I could work to pay for stuff.  

    Perfect.  Sounds exactly like what we would have said.  Kids are kids... LOL

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  • flyingfoxesflyingfoxes member
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    I am a serious coward at "confrontation", but I sucked it up and talked to him.  Told him it's inappropriate to have her here overnights, it sets a dangerous precedent, he was like, "what, fornication?"  I said yep - and if they want to do that, then they can work to sneak it just like other teenagers and not have it handed to them at home.  I told him it's my house too, I have to be comfortable and right now I'm not.  He agreed, although he looked a little surprised that I was so bothered.  He's going to have a chat with him tonight.

    Also - last night FI told FSS that his friends had to leave by midnight.  FI got a text at 12:30, I guess telling FI that they were staying the night.  I asked him if it was asking or telling....he kinda got side eyed and said he'd have to look at it again but he thought it was telling.  I told him that's also a problem - one that he's let them get away with for far too long.  
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  • loveislouderloveislouder member
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    My parents were very "no boyfriends in the bedroom" people, but my boyfriends could stay over if they slept on the couch.
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  • doeydodoeydo member
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    As a bisexual, I guess I don't see why it is OK for him to sleep with guys but not girls (even if it is just sleeping).  He could be closeted and getting it on in your basement just the same.  Also, how old is he?  
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  • flyingfoxesflyingfoxes member
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    Nope - if they want to have sex, then they can sneak around like every other teenager out there. It's not getting handed to them on a silver platter here at the house. And his dad has already given him condoms and told him to use 'em so that's covered. The thinking is that he can do whatever the hell he wants when he has his own place, but while he's living here rent-free, these are the rules he's going to follow. I honestly don't care if he's bisexual...but it's doubtful. But the same thing applies, no sex in the house. Plus yeah - his 14-year-old sister walking in on three in the bed - not cool in the least. She's still on the kid side of 14.
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  • janbride2015janbride2015 member
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    It sounds like you and FI are talking and working through some parenting issues. Good job. It will be an adjustment for all of you. You said FI is in the army. Have you thought about how you will handle things if/when he is deployed? You may have to be a little more of a rule enforcer if he will be away for long periods. Something to think about.
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  • flyingfoxesflyingfoxes member
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    janbride2015 said:
    It sounds like you and FI are talking and working through some parenting issues. Good job. It will be an adjustment for all of you. You said FI is in the army. Have you thought about how you will handle things if/when he is deployed? You may have to be a little more of a rule enforcer if he will be away for long periods. Something to think about.

    Thankfully he won't deploy again - he'll retire immediately if it comes down to that! I have a 2-week stint this winter when he's going to Italy for training. Both kids have been told no friends over during that time - they can go over to their friends' houses if they want, but since I'm not on the lease here and I'm just a legal guardian for the 14-year-old, I don't want the responsibility of other kids or people being over here. I think what bothers me most is that FI didn't ask how I felt about any of the stuff going on here. I know he hasn't had a strong partner ever in his life (the ex was depressed and would lay in bed all day, only coming out to ask what was for dinner, in between spending all the money), so he is used to making all the decisions. We've both definitely got some adjustments to make!
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