Divorced Parents- Who has what role?!?!

Re: Divorced Parents- Who has what role?!?!

• NYCMercedes member

  

  September 2014

  myfield said:

  My parents have been divorced since I was 2 years old and they both remarried 20 years ago. My step-dad and I have a great relationship. When I was young he got me involved in sports, coached some of my teams, and was always there for every important event. Ever since I can remember I have just referred to him as "dad", not his actual name. And you would never know that my sister and I are not actually his kids. He is very very fair and loves us all the same, and treats us the exact same as he treats his biological daughter. So, needless to say, I think he deserves, and I want him involved in my wedding day....

  
  

  However, the woman that my dad remarried is the exact opposite. We have never gotten along (they have been married since I was 4). And unfortunately, my step-mother's behavior brought a lot of distance between my biological father and I. However, even though I am much closer with my step-dad than I am my actual father, I feel like I cannot take this day away from him. I am my biological father's only daughter, and I do not want to exclude him from being able to experience certain "father daughter" parts of the day. 

  
  

  So my question is: WHAT DO I DO??? When it comes to who walks me down the aisle? And the father daughter dance?? I don't want to make either person feel any less important than the other, but I also do not really want to take the time to do 2 father daughter dances, along with the first dance, and mother-son dance etc. Has any one else experienced this? Do you have any suggestions on how I can include both of them?

  
  

  No one needs to walk you down the aisle and you don't need a father daughter dance. If you want both, you can let one dad do one and one the other. You can have your mom and stepdad walk you down the aisle and then dance with your first dad. There's a myriad of choices.

  Report1 Reply
• CMGragain member

  

  September 2014

  There are no rules about parent roles in your wedding.  YOU choose whom you want to escort you down the aisle.  YOU choose whether or not to do a father-daughter dance.   (It isn't required.)  You could split the dance between the two Dads.
  
  You should invite both sets of your parents to your wedding.  Buy them corsage/bouts.  They can even all sit in the front row, but you should ask your mother if that would bother her before deciding. 
  
  Remember, when writing your invitation, you only put the names of the hosts on your invitation - not the names of the parents.  The invitation is not a family tree.
  

  

  Report1 Reply
• myfield member

  

  September 2014

  You're right. I guess there really is a lot of different options. I am just so worried about hurting anyones feelings because they are both important parts of my life, and it is a touchy subject. But thank you so much for your help! I guess there really are a lot more options available that will allow me to include both of them than I originally thought. Thank you so much girls! 

  Report0 Reply
• Jen4948 member

  

  September 2014

  It's entirely up to you who walks you down the aisle, but I'd invite all your parents to your wedding. Hopefully they will all act like adults.

  Report0 Reply
• princessleia22 member

  

  September 2014

  Honestly, since you are close to your step father, I would probably talk to him about it.  I'm sure he would understand your dilemma and be sympathetic.  And he may prefer to step back and let bio dad do some of the key roles, like walking down aisle, because he may not want to take that away from bio-dad.  And approaching him about it shows him that you care enough about him to ask his opinion and consider his feelings on it.  Or maybe you have both walk you down the aisle... or walk by yourself. There are many options.

  Here's another possibility to involve both in ceremony:  We really wanted to involve all our parents, so after dad walked me down aisle, rather than him "giving me away", we had all our parents (moms & dads) stand, officiant asked "who supports this marriage?" and all of them said "we do".  So, you may be able to do something like that will all parents & step parents, or even just bio & step dad. 

  But that doesn't mean you can't honor and involve step dad also. You don't need to have solo father-daughter dances for both, or either even. DH and I aren't fans of being in the spotlight and solo dances. For our first dance, we danced solo for about a minute, then DJ invited everyone to join us.  Then, they announced our father-daughter dance, but we kept it as an open dance floor for everyone, rather than solo. That one minute of our first dance was the only solo/spotlight dance the whole night.  They announced father-daughter and mother-son dances, but we kept everyone else on the dance floor with us.  

  You could do spotlight dance for one of them, both of them, or neither of them.  You can still pick special songs and dance with each one of them during the night, even have it announced before each, without making it a big solo event. Either way, I would probably choose songs special to each to dance to, even if you don't announce both dances, because it sounds like you would still want to dance with each and have that special moment.  And if you let photographer know in advance, they can still make sure to get photos of both dad dances, even if they aren't both announced.

  No matter what you do, I think you need to discuss it, probably with both of them separately, before making final decisions. That's probably the best way to avoid hurt feelings.  I'm sure they are aware of the situation and that it leaves you with a choice to make, so they may be very understanding.

   

  Report0 Reply