So I'm a horrible person.

hellosweetie1015 · September 2014

My sister is getting married in May. I am extremely upset about this.

Snowflake Disclaimer: It has nothing to do with her stealing my thunder. I literally could not care less about her stealing my thunder, because I don't have any thunder. I got the day I got engaged, and I'll get my wedding day. Don't have a single extra fuck to give about her getting married before me... because she's making a huge mistake.

The guy is not good for her.

General issues:

- He's an asshole to her. He controls who she sees, but flips when she even voices negative thoughts about his friends.

- He treats her like shit when she's around, and won't unlatch when she's not.

- She can't even go on a family trip without him getting his panties in a twist.

Specific, recent issues:

- The day after the fire, he bitched when she stayed with my mom for the afternoon - even though he saw Sister the night before, the morning of, and was STANDING THERE watching the house burn down.

- He went to Minnesota for a wedding a few months ago and something happened with a bridesmaid. I'm not sure what, but it was definitely infidelity at some level.

- After this, they were "broken up" but he was still living with her and her roommates because they were working it out, and he called my mother at 5:30 in the morning - waking her up and frightening her because 5:30 is not a time my sister is up - because it was a new number. Sister kicked him out, and within the week he was on a bus to Minnesota.

Of course, now that he's fifteen hundred miles away he misses her and loves her and wants her there.

I know. I'm being a judgey bitch, and what right do I have to be if he makes her happy? But my issue is that I've seen her happy with him once or twice. They've been dating since 2009. She's 20. He's 23.

I wish I could be happy for her. But I think she's making a huge mistake, and I don't want her hurt, and that's what's going to happen and I know it and I cannot get past it.

mrscaty · September 2014

You are not a horrible person. This guy sounds like an asshat. Unfortunately, your sister is an adult and can (and apparently will) make bad decisions. That's on her. As long as you are supportive of her, there isn't really anything else you can do.

doeydo · September 2014

No, you're not. You just want what is best for her, but unfortunately she can't see how shitty he is, or she does and thinks she deserves it or something. I don't know what else you can do other than tell her you love her and support her.

JCbride2015 · September 2014

You're not horrible. I would feel the same way about my 23-yo sister. Just make sure she knows you love her.

And because I'm an abrasive bitch. I would sit her down and talk to her and make my feelings known. But that's just me.

AddieCake · September 2014

You don't sound horrible. HE sounds horrible.

hellosweetie1015 · September 2014

Thanks, y'all. I am trying to be supportive of her, although I have made my thoughts on the matter clear with her, several times over the years, and at least twice recently.

It's just - they break up, he runs off, starts to missing her just as she starts moving on, and then she's back with him. She knows she deserves better. If anyone else - literally anyone - treated her half as badly as he does, she would knock them out and walk away. I don't understand why she lets him do her this way. My parents have made it clear they aren't happy, my brother, my baby sister and I have all made it clear we're not happy about it. Hell, FI's thrown HIS two cents in with her, and he's usually very good at keeping his opinions to himself (and me, haha). But Sis is definitely the Queen of Butting With Her Own Hard Head, and she's going to do it no matter what we say. So I'm just going to make sure Bossman Lawyer doesn't retire before she needs him....

larrygaga · September 2014

Just don't allow her to become alienated from you. One day you might be the link that gets her out of that mess.

hellosweetie1015 · September 2014

larrygaga said:

Just don't allow her to become alienated from you. One day you might be the link that gets her out of that mess.

Not ever. We've always been a tight-knit family, even though we definitely fight on occasion. Alienation is not even an option. Thankfully, haha.

esstee33 · September 2014

CaitTDid23 said:

Thanks, y'all. I am trying to be supportive of her, although I have made my thoughts on the matter clear with her, several times over the years, and at least twice recently.

It's just - they break up, he runs off, starts to missing her just as she starts moving on, and then she's back with him. She knows she deserves better. If anyone else - literally anyone - treated her half as badly as he does, she would knock them out and walk away. I don't understand why she lets him do her this way. My parents have made it clear they aren't happy, my brother, my baby sister and I have all made it clear we're not happy about it. Hell, FI's thrown HIS two cents in with her, and he's usually very good at keeping his opinions to himself (and me, haha). But Sis is definitely the Queen of Butting With Her Own Hard Head, and she's going to do it no matter what we say. So I'm just going to make sure Bossman Lawyer doesn't retire before she needs him....

Because you can't choose who you love, even if they're awful to you. I've been in her place, and at some point she's going to be like "You know what? Fuck this. I don't need this" and realize that the glue keeping their relationship all this time hasn't been love at all, but something more like codependency. Maybe, if the stars align, it'll be before they actually get married. But maybe not. All you can do is love her and support her and make sure she knows both of those things.

My first major adult relationship was basically exactly that. He would deliberately ignore me, manipulate me, play this push-pull game with my attention, and after a while, I'd break things off. But he'd say he was sorry and seem genuine, and so I'd go back. That continued for an entire year before I finally really left. As I was walking out of the door, he said "See you next week." Not on your life, fucker. I haven't seen him since and it's been 10+ years. Sometimes you just have to wait until the reality of your relationship hits you like a ton of bricks.

Senecaf · September 2014

You are not a bad person. Like Addie said, he is.
But she loves him. All you can do is be supportive and wish her the best. Even if she knows better it can be hard to see the issues in your own relationship. When there are emotions involved sometimes sense goes out the window.

NYCMercedes · September 2014

Just stay being there for her. I am glad to be still in my daughter's life when she was serious with a shmuck. It took all of my strength not to speak ill of him to her and always to welcome him into our home. He dumped her, she's hurting, but she still keeps me in her life as I didn't bad mouth him and alienate her. Try your best to be there for her and hope she sees him for what he is. Good luck.

bethsmiles · September 2014

That's hard position to be in and you are not a horrible person! You just want your sister to be happy. All you can do now is stand-by and be ready to step in when all the pieces need to be picked up again.

hellosweetie1015 · September 2014

I really, really hope he's actually matured a little since he moved. I think a little more perspective and experience could seriously help him, but I don't think enough time has gone by for that, and I know experiences haven't helped him. At any rate I've said my peace to her, and that's about all I can do other than continue as normal and not push it with her.

When it falls apart again (I wish I had enough hope in me to say if but I don't) maybe it will be the last time. She is not one to go back and forth with people - if you lose her respect, it doesn't come back - so her entire relationship with him is baffling to me. Hopefully when he breaks this promise (and hopefully he does so before they're legally binding vows) she'll finally hit that spot where it's not worth it any more.

HaileyDancingbear · September 2014

No, you are not horrible. The raging feminist in me is just rolling around in agony at this post. Sorrynotsorry, I fucking hate men like that. Hate. Them. They're mysogonistic pigs who think they have the right to control the women they're with, that emotionally and verbally abusive behavior is absolutely ok, because they're entitled to anything they fucking want. I'm willing to bet anything he's the same kind of guy who asks what a rape victim was wearing.

His behavior is extremely manipulative. It's clear he cares more about having things his way than about your sister, in any capacity. hopefully your sister realizes this soon, but there are a lot of warning signs here and she may actually be in an emotionally abusive relationship, which makes the entire thing harder to escape. She's right under this douchebag's thumb.

Be there for her, hope she gets out of it soon.

climbingsingle · September 2014

You're not a horrible person at all. And I totally get it. My brother was dating this awful girl for most of his teen years and early-mid 20s. The day he told me he was going to propose to her, I cried. And not because I was happy. This girl treated my brother like a piece of garbage. And because of that, her and I did not get along. I'm very protective of my younger bro, so again, I totally get where you're coming from. I'd feel the same way.

mschristie123 · September 2014

larrygaga said:

Just don't allow her to become alienated from you. One day you might be the link that gets her out of that mess.

I just have to reiterate how important that is. My younger brother is in a really bad relationship with a girl that he won't let go because he feels the need to save her/protect her from her fucked up family. My parents and I have given him endless advice on the situation, and even though we think this girl is off her rocker, we continue to support my brother because we don't want to him to feel unsupported and alienated from our family. The worst thing that could would be that my brother doesn't feel like we care/understand him, so he clings to this girl even harder.

Kauris · September 2014

This post reminds me of this: http://captainawkward.com/2011/01/17/reader-question-4-my-friend-is-dating-someone-terrible-or-secrets-of-the-darth-vader-boyfriend/

He's a Darth Vader Boyfriend. You aren't a horrible person. You are a good big sister and hopefully she will find her way out of this.

raissyrais · September 2014

Just be careful that this asshole doesn't keep your sister away from all her family and friends once they're married. That's how DV starts and she won't be able to turn to anyone. I sincerely do not wish anything like that on her, but do your best to keep an eye on her. Let her get married, and when shit goes down (because it will) be there for her and catch her. That divorce will be a blessing in disguise.

abbyj700 · September 2014

You aren't horrible. She's your sister, and you love her. Continue to be supportive, let her know that you want what is best for her and love and support her always. Watch voicing too much of a bad attitude about him. Sometimes controlling spouses use this as a reason to keep people from their families. ie "no, I don't want to go to your sisters for the weekend, she hates me." Or she won't feel comfortable talking about relationship issues if she feels you're being too super negative about him. Just be there, that's all you can do.

Maggie0829 · September 2014

My feeling is that she is still with him partly because she loves him (or she thinks she loves him) and partly because she is young and has been with him for 5 years and may be afraid to be alone for the first time in her life.

He's an ass, that is a fact and hopefully one day she will realize that. But until that day (because that day will most likely happen) just start preparing your "I told you so" look.

hellosweetie1015 · September 2014

Yeah, she doesn't bring him around my dad much because Dad has made it VERY clear he doesn't like him. As a result, we try to be very welcoming and open-arms and all that even though we all pretty much agree with my dad.

I'm really afraid of what might happen when she moves up there once they're married. I know that I won't lose touch with her, but Minnesota is not close enough to actually see her with any regularity. I can't see her staying with him if he hits her, but I couldn't see her putting up with his shit constantly either. I mean, maybe I'm reaching, but I have no doubt in my mind that he could escalate to physical violence beyond his general douchebag asshattery, and if they're in fricking Minnesota we won't be able to be there in ten minutes like we can now if need be.

KatieinBkln · September 2014

kasmith1 said:

This post reminds me of this: http://captainawkward.com/2011/01/17/reader-question-4-my-friend-is-dating-someone-terrible-or-secrets-of-the-darth-vader-boyfriend/

He's a Darth Vader Boyfriend. You aren't a horrible person. You are a good big sister and hopefully she will find her way out of this.

QFT. Captain Awkward writes some of the best advice I've ever read. And in fact if you were to recommend the blog (perhaps not this exact link; a bit too on the nose, ya know?) to your sister, she might find some very useful information there. At the very least, she would see a glossary of terms describing relationships that bear similarities to her own. She would see that her situation is not unique, nor is it inevitable. Plus the comments section over there is full of wise people who've seen it all, and it's the best-moderated blog I've ever seen, so you don't get assholes and trolls like you would on most personal blogs.

wandajune6 · September 2014

I don't have anything to add that the PPs haven't offered already.

It stinks when you see someone you love making bad decisions. Knowing that she's got people around her who genuinely love her will make things easier when she eventually decides to leave.

hellosweetie1015 · September 2014

@lyndausvi, can you delete? She's discovered these forums.

lyndausvi · September 2014

Sorry, I'm traveling. Do you want me to just delete this thread?

hellosweetie1015 · September 2014

@lyndausvi yes please - I didn't realize you were traveling, missed that somehow.

So I'm a horrible person.

Re: So I'm a horrible person.

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