Groom's Divorced Parents... PLEASE HELP!

Knottie73463929 · September 2014

I have been struggling for a while about so many issues with this. My fiance's parents have been divorced since he was 15 (almost 10 years ago). They both have significant others now for about 7 years each. While he was already grown when they came into the picture, they still play a role in our lives. However, now that we are planning a wedding, everything is turning into a fiasco.

My fiance is so worried about hurting feelings, that he continues to want to do everything by ourselves and it's not easy. His parents don't really fight anymore and they don't really talk but they will at least be in the same room now (they just act like neither exists). We are coming up on some big things that really require both parents there. For example, our venue invited us with 4 guests to a tasting and I would like my parents there. I know he wants both his parents there too but he feels guilty about asking them without their partners, but my opinion is that there are going to be times where it needs to be just his parents. It would be worse to pick one couple or the other! Am I wrong for feeling this way? Both parents were involved in his life and it was truly equal but he is so afraid of hurting ones feelings that I just want to have the conversation myself with his parents but I know it's not my place. ADVICE??

southernbelle0915 · September 2014

Knottie73463929 said:

I have been struggling for a while about so many issues with this. My fiance's parents have been divorced since he was 15 (almost 10 years ago). They both have significant others now for about 7 years each. While he was already grown when they came into the picture, they still play a role in our lives. However, now that we are planning a wedding, everything is turning into a fiasco.
My fiance is so worried about hurting feelings, that he continues to want to do everything by ourselves and it's not easy. His parents don't really fight anymore and they don't really talk but they will at least be in the same room now (they just act like neither exists). We are coming up on some big things that really require both parents there. For example, our venue invited us with 4 guests to a tasting and I would like my parents there. I know he wants both his parents there too but he feels guilty about asking them without their partners, but my opinion is that there are going to be times where it needs to be just his parents. It would be worse to pick one couple or the other! Am I wrong for feeling this way? Both parents were involved in his life and it was truly equal but he is so afraid of hurting ones feelings that I just want to have the conversation myself with his parents but I know it's not my place. ADVICE??

Who is paying for this wedding?

jerkyanne · September 2014

I would just invite both but be very clear that the other will be there. It will be so much worse if it is a surprise that day. If one of them lets their dislike for the other get in the way of them coming, then the other gets to bring their significant other.

At least that's how I would handle it if you want to invite them both. We did our venue viewing by ourselves so things like this were never really an issue. They may not want to come look at venues anyway because looking at venues isn't everyone's idea of fun. Truth be told, I only went because it was my wedding. Anyone else's I would not because it is definitely not my idea of a good time. Same with dress shopping. I don't think I'll ever go to anyone else's wedding dress shopping. *shrugs* But then again, that's probably just me.

ETA: They may also decline just because their significant other can't go. While looking at venues isn't something I necessarily think that SOs have to be invited to, I can see how people wouldn't want to go without theirs.

Maggie0829 · September 2014

I agree with Scribe. If he doesn't want to invite his parents because he doesn't want to hurt their feelings and he would rather do this whole wedding planning with just you then just go to the tasting by yourselves. If your parents aren't paying for the wedding then they don not need to be at the tasting.

AprilH81 · September 2014

Ask your venue if you can pay a small fee to have two more people at the tasting, then you can invite everyone. This was an option at our venue.

[Deleted User] · September 2014

You can ask all the parents what parts of the wedding planning they have any interest in being part of. For example, I'd love to go to a tasting, but I have zero interest in flowers or dresses. Maybe his mom would want to go to a tasting, your parents will want to help with the dress/tux decisions, and his dad will want to be more involved in music selection. You don't have to involve everyone in everything.

FizzySips · September 2014

southernbelle0915 said:

Knottie73463929 said:

I have been struggling for a while about so many issues with this. My fiance's parents have been divorced since he was 15 (almost 10 years ago). They both have significant others now for about 7 years each. While he was already grown when they came into the picture, they still play a role in our lives. However, now that we are planning a wedding, everything is turning into a fiasco.
My fiance is so worried about hurting feelings, that he continues to want to do everything by ourselves and it's not easy. His parents don't really fight anymore and they don't really talk but they will at least be in the same room now (they just act like neither exists). We are coming up on some big things that really require both parents there. For example, our venue invited us with 4 guests to a tasting and I would like my parents there. I know he wants both his parents there too but he feels guilty about asking them without their partners, but my opinion is that there are going to be times where it needs to be just his parents. It would be worse to pick one couple or the other! Am I wrong for feeling this way? Both parents were involved in his life and it was truly equal but he is so afraid of hurting ones feelings that I just want to have the conversation myself with his parents but I know it's not my place. ADVICE??

Who is paying for this wedding?

THIS!!

While it may seem like the parents "have to" be there, in reality they don't. Maybe they don't even want to be part of these things. It sounds like an honest discussion would clear up some of this anxiety and make things a little more clear.

kitsunegari89 · September 2014

I frankly feel that they should be expected to behave like adults wherever they are invited. If you or your FH feel that they cannot behave themselves, by all means, exclude them from non-essential "events". Tastings, IMHO, are not a big deal at all and take much longer when you make an "event" of it. I went to my tasting by myself and was completely done in an hour. As for dress fittings and tux fittings... those things really go more smoothly (and quickly) when there are fewer people there because fewer people = fewer opinions = getting the dress you want without being guilt-tripped by Aunt Mildred or Granny into getting that dress with sleeves that you hate. Also, nobody will be annoyed at not being invited to a dress fitting because it's solely up to the bride who she wants with her. If someone is helping to pay for that aspect of the wedding, they should come with you. My mom paid for my dress, so she came with me to my fitting. My dad had the final say on the food I picked out because he was paying for half (but nothing got vetoed). But ultimately, the fewer people at these things the easier it is to come to a decision.

Showers, rehearsal dinners, and other events central to the wedding are important, and they need to get over themselves and behave for a couple hours. Use your discretion, but definitely never invite a person without also inviting their SO, unless it's an all girls or all boys kind of thing. Good luck. My MIL had two exes at my wedding, and she was on her best behavior. I feel that most people are capable of being nice for a day. Do not feel guilty for expecting grown adults to behave themselves.

It would be advantageous if your FH had an adult conversation with his folks to smooth everything over and thank them in advance for being diplomatic about an obviously awkward situation.

huskypuppy14 · September 2014

mrshutzler said:

I frankly feel that they should be expected to behave like adults wherever they are invited. If you or your FH feel that they cannot behave themselves, by all means, exclude them from non-essential "events". Tastings, IMHO, are not a big deal at all and take much longer when you make an "event" of it. I went to my tasting by myself and was completely done in an hour. As for dress fittings and tux fittings... those things really go more smoothly (and quickly) when there are fewer people there because fewer people = fewer opinions = getting the dress you want without being guilt-tripped by Aunt Mildred or Granny into getting that dress with sleeves that you hate. Also, nobody will be annoyed at not being invited to a dress fitting because it's solely up to the bride who she wants with her. If someone is helping to pay for that aspect of the wedding, they should come with you. My mom paid for my dress, so she came with me to my fitting. My dad had the final say on the food I picked out because he was paying for half (but nothing got vetoed). But ultimately, the fewer people at these things the easier it is to come to a decision.

Showers, rehearsal dinners, and other events central to the wedding are important, and they need to get over themselves and behave for a couple hours. Use your discretion, but definitely never invite a person without also inviting their SO, unless it's an all girls or all boys kind of thing. Good luck. My MIL had two exes at my wedding, and she was on her best behavior. I feel that most people are capable of being nice for a day. Do not feel guilty for expecting grown adults to behave themselves.

It would be advantageous if your FH had an adult conversation with his folks to smooth everything over and thank them in advance for being diplomatic about an obviously awkward situation.

I don't agree with the bolded. Sometimes your SO doesn't have to be invited to everything. My sister invited me to her tasting, but didn't invite my boyfriend (now husband). And I never would have expected him to be invited.

My sister came to my tasting but not her boyfriend (though she came with my Mom because my Dad couldn't make it).

Neither my husband or I have divorced parents so I guess take my opinion with a grain of salt, but I don't think there is any harm in just inviting the parents, but not their SO to the tasting. Though, I would probably only invite the people that were paying.

ETA: typos and formatting

Knottie73463929 · September 2014

Together our parents are paying for half of the wedding.

JCbride2015 · September 2014

Knottie73463929 said:

Together our parents are paying for half of the wedding.

So all the parents (all three couples) are equally involved?

bananasplit472001 · September 2014

My FI parents are divorced as well. His father has a SO but his mother does not. We have a myriad of issues with his dad's SO being included in the wedding. In my opinion the best thing you can do is to just not involve them in decision making. If they are not paying for the wedding they have no business at the tasting. Even though you don't want to hurt their feelings it's just that weddings are for the parents of the bride and groom not anyone else. If they are paying then sorry they do need to be included. But i still see no reason why the SO need to be at the tasting. We have 6 spots for our tasting and are only using 4 to avoid any issues.

Groom's Divorced Parents... PLEASE HELP!

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