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Did I screw up?

luckya23luckya23 member
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in Chit Chat

I've been engaged before - my fiance obviously knows this but I don't think his family does.

Wedding talk with my family SO OFTEN (annoyingly) leads to allusion to or ribbing about my last engagement/wedding planning.  Our parents are meeting this weekend and I don't know if I should warn my parents that this really isn't an appropriate subject (not that it has worked before), or just go with the flow.  Should I have told his parents in the first place?  It was 7 years ago, by the way.  I'm not really embarrassed about it, but it's not something I like to talk about in front of my fiance either. 

 

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Re: Did I screw up?

  • mrsmorales2bemrsmorales2be mod
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    Sure, you could mention to your parents that you haven't mentioned your previous engagement with the FILS, but you could also have FI have that conversation with his parents so they're not blindsided by accident. They don't need details, of course.

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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
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    I might ask Fi to just give his parents a heads up that you were previously engaged and your parents may bring it up.  This isn't something you want to bend over backwards to continue hiding from FILs, is it?
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
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    He should mention it to his parents to avoid any potential future blindside awkwardness.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • blabla89blabla89 member
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    I don't think you did anything wrong by not talking with your FILs about it, but I agree with PPs that your FI may want to mention it just so they aren't blindsided. If you would prefer that your parents not bring it up, I think it's fine to mention that to them.
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  • esstee33esstee33 member
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    I would absolutely say something to your family about leaving the past in the past, because it seems pretty shitty to me that they keep wanting to bring up something that obviously sucked for you. 

    I'd also recommend that your FI mentions it to his family, just as heads up so they know. One of my BFFs was engaged before she met her H, and since his family is super conservative and would probably not react well to the news, they just didn't mention it to them. Fast forward to the wedding, after several hours of open bar, one of our friends (not knowing it was a secret) just casually mentioned how much cooler the H is than the XFI, which the H's grandfather heard, and caused a total shitstorm. She spent a significant chunk of her own wedding reception trying to do damage control. It's better to have these things out in the open.
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  • goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 member
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    I'm confused...why do they keep bringing up another engagement? It's ancient history.  You're engaged to a great guy now.  Why not talk about the the upcoming marriage instead of the one that wasn't meant to be?

    I agree with other PPs about mentioning it to FI's parents.  But I'm a little sad that your parents can't let the old engagement die and embrace this one.
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  • luckya23luckya23 member
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    Thanks everyone!

    We didn't arrive before the party started to speak to his parents, but as far as I could tell my parents behaved themselves.  SO works nights, so he went to bed as soon as my parents left, and I watched tv with his mom for a while, so it just kind of came up while we were talking about the bridal expo tomorrow.  So it was said in passing, not as a big deal, which is what it truly is, so that satifies me!

     

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  • luckya23luckya23 member
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    esstee33 said:
    I would absolutely say something to your family about leaving the past in the past, because it seems pretty shitty to me that they keep wanting to bring up something that obviously sucked for you. 

    I'd also recommend that your FI mentions it to his family, just as heads up so they know. One of my BFFs was engaged before she met her H, and since his family is super conservative and would probably not react well to the news, they just didn't mention it to them. Fast forward to the wedding, after several hours of open bar, one of our friends (not knowing it was a secret) just casually mentioned how much cooler the H is than the XFI, which the H's grandfather heard, and caused a total shitstorm. She spent a significant chunk of her own wedding reception trying to do damage control. It's better to have these things out in the open.

    WOW, what would it even matter at that point?!  And H's grandfather isn't even someone I would bother to give a heads up, what business of his would previous dating history be?? 

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  • luckya23luckya23 member
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    goldchocobo said:
    I'm confused...why do they keep bringing up another engagement? It's ancient history.  You're engaged to a great guy now.  Why not talk about the the upcoming marriage instead of the one that wasn't meant to be?

    I agree with other PPs about mentioning it to FI's parents.  But I'm a little sad that your parents can't let the old engagement die and embrace this one.

    I'm not sure why it always comes up, I guess it has to do with the actual planning - it hasn't been brought up nearly as much in the 7 years since!  A lot of it has come up regarding not getting rid of my old dress, which has been in my grandparents' attic all this time, so it's brought up in like "Oh you already have one from last time, don't forget!"  It has come up more when we have vacationed at the planned destination in the intervening years though.

    To be fair, since I haven't planned much with this wedding, I draw on that experience more when posting here, so that's also experience my parents have with planning a wedding! 

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  • luckya23luckya23 member
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    blabla89 said:
    I don't think you did anything wrong by not talking with your FILs about it, but I agree with PPs that your FI may want to mention it just so they aren't blindsided. If you would prefer that your parents not bring it up, I think it's fine to mention that to them.

    Yeah, since this was their first time meeting, there was not so much wedding talk, but I will probably mention it to my parents anyway tomorrow when there will be more planning talk... not because his parents (well mom, anyway) don't know now, but just a reminder that it's not a comfortable topic of discussion - let's just focus on this one! :-)


     

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  • luckya23luckya23 member
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    smichek said:
    I agree with PPs. Have FI mention it to his parents so there's no awkward "what?! You were engaged before?" reaction. But also tell your parents that the past is the past and they really need to leave it there. If they bring it up, bean dip that shit "yeah, I was engaged before, but he will never be a fraction of the man (current) FI is. What flavors do you think we should get in the wedding cake?"

    They were not a fan of the last one, so comparing the fiances is definitely not the issue! haha

    I ended up saying something to his mom, because we were talking about the bridal expo we're attending tomorrow, and I was saying I had been to a few of them before and how different they can be.

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  • luckya23luckya23 member
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    AddieCake said:
    He should mention it to his parents to avoid any potential future blindside awkwardness.
    Yup, considering I kinda blindsided him with the info originally ;-)

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  • luckya23luckya23 member
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    JCbride2015 said:
    I might ask Fi to just give his parents a heads up that you were previously engaged and your parents may bring it up.  This isn't something you want to bend over backwards to continue hiding from FILs, is it?
     
     
     
     
    Nope, it doesn't really bother me.  The only reason it would come up now really only has to do with the actual wedding planning - that this isn't my first rodeo! lol 
     
    My parents were more involved in the planning last time, I would say, because my fiance was even less so, so that's also why I think they bring it up. 

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  • luckya23luckya23 member
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    mrsmorales2be said:

    Sure, you could mention to your parents that you haven't mentioned your previous engagement with the FILS, but you could also have FI have that conversation with his parents so they're not blindsided by accident. They don't need details, of course.

    Well it came up with his mom when I was discussing bridal expos, but in the end I'm pretty glad it was said more casually rather than taking his parents aside as if it was some deep dark secret. 

    As someone else said, it's ancient history, and my parents haven't ever asked about SO's ex-girlfriends, so the more I think about it, the less of a big deal it seemed! 

    You all put it well though that I just didn't want them to be blindsided - or if they had to be, that it wasn't by a third party! haha

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  • esstee33esstee33 member
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    My concern was that, even if it's none of their business about your past relationships, they may feel as though you deliberately hid it from them and be upset about it. People are weird and unpredictable. Glad it came up with his mon so there's no chance of that now!
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  • sarahuflsarahufl member
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    H was engaged once before me and I don't think my parents even know. His family has never mentioned it to me, either- obviously, he told me.

    IMO, it isn't anyone else's business. He didn't marry her, he married me- why do people need to discuss it?
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  • happy2016happy2016 member
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    What's FI stand for? I see the abbreviation a lot in this thread
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  • luckya23luckya23 member
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    Fiance

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