Post-Bachelor Party Distress

majadiria · September 2014

A long time ago, in a land far far away pre-engagement (and we have been engaged for over a year), my FI told me that when he had a bachelor party he wasn't planning on including strippers, as it was unnecessary and he had already sown his wild oats. Fast forward to a month ago when he suddenly decided that he wanted the whole bachelor party experience, strippers included. I was not happy.

I don't really care what others consider cheating. Each couple decides what is inappropriate for them. Our previous rule was that nothing sexual would happen outside of each others presence. We have gone to sex clubs. I am okay with that as long as I am there to see what happens and I am in control to say no if I am uncomfortable with something for whatever reason. I am not a virginal prude who bans her SI from watching porn. But for me, going to a strip club without me and having a mostly naked woman grind on and rub her tits all over my FI is crossing the line.

So, back to "I was not happy". I was really not happy and made it known. We had a fight, and FI said he wouldn't have strippers, but that he wasn't happy about it because it's "not about the strippers, it's about the experience". I know he felt like I was controlling him, and that is not my intention. I don't want to be a controlling person. So I caved. I said he could go, despite how deeply upset I was. His friends were pressuring me, and everyone was telling me that I was irrational and crazy for feeling the way I felt.

Well guess what? Now I feel worse, post-bachelor party. I feel cheated on. I feel resentful because I had to cave in order to not be viewed as crazy and I feel like my feelings were not respected. I don't feel like I can talk to him about it. I don't want to have sex... I feel repulsed by the thought of him touching me. But I can't behave that way, and I can't say anything, because I said he could go.

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and the wedding is in 5 weeks. I don't know what to do. I am so, so, so, so, so upset and really not doing okay. I don't know what to do.

Senecaf · September 2014

That's tough. I cannot give good advice because I don't feel that strongly about strip clubs or anything really.

It is too late for saying you should have stuck to your guns or FI shpuld have respected your wishes. You are beyond that now. Now you need to find it within yourself to suck that shit up. You said he could go. You made your feelings known to him and he made his known to you.

To him it was not a big deal because he probably sees nothing in the strippers. Like he said, it is the experience. He didn't emotionally get attached to them or think it was better than having you around. He has probably already moved on.

Good luck girl.

JCbride2015 · September 2014

majadiria said:

A long time ago, in a land far far away pre-engagement (and we have been engaged for over a year), my FI told me that when he had a bachelor party he wasn't planning on including strippers, as it was unnecessary and he had already sown his wild oats. Fast forward to a month ago when he suddenly decided that he wanted the whole bachelor party experience, strippers included. I was not happy.

I don't really care what others consider cheating. Each couple decides what is inappropriate for them. Our previous rule was that nothing sexual would happen outside of each others presence. We have gone to sex clubs. I am okay with that as long as I am there to see what happens and I am in control to say no if I am uncomfortable with something for whatever reason. I am not a virginal prude who bans her SI from watching porn. But for me, going to a strip club without me and having a mostly naked woman grind on and rub her tits all over my FI is crossing the line.

So, back to "I was not happy". I was really not happy and made it known. We had a fight, and FI said he wouldn't have strippers, but that he wasn't happy about it because it's "not about the strippers, it's about the experience". I know he felt like I was controlling him, and that is not my intention. I don't want to be a controlling person. So I caved. I said he could go, despite how deeply upset I was. His friends were pressuring me, and everyone was telling me that I was irrational and crazy for feeling the way I felt.

Well guess what? Now I feel worse, post-bachelor party. I feel cheated on. I feel resentful because I had to cave in order to not be viewed as crazy and I feel like my feelings were not respected. I don't feel like I can talk to him about it. I don't want to have sex... I feel repulsed by the thought of him touching me. But I can't behave that way, and I can't say anything, because I said he could go.

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and the wedding is in 5 weeks. I don't know what to do. I am so, so, so, so, so upset and really not doing okay. I don't know what to do.

I don't feel that strongly about strippers either. And honestly I wouldn't consider just viewing strippers in a club or even getting a lap dance as cheating. What exactly do you think went on at the party?

But regardless of our views on strippers, obviously you are not okay with it but you said yes anyway. You and your Fi have a communication problem. He didn't take no for an answer, and then you caved instead of standing up for yourself.

Frankly, I would say try to let it go and learn for next time that you should stick to your guns a bit more. But if it's really bothering you, I'd say approach it as a communication issue and not as a cheating issue, because it's not. Try saying, "I felt pressured to say yes to this, and I'm having regrets about it now. I know it's too late to change your bach party, but I really need you to listen to me next time I say I'm uncomfortable with something. And I will try to stand up for myself more so that I don't have regrets next time."

doeydo · September 2014

I share your opinion actually, and you are right, each couple decides their own boundaries and that is perfectly OK. I don't see how it becomes magically OK for a woman to be naked and all over a man just because she is being paid to do so, while with a "regular" woman it would be cheating. Anywho, I think he was an asshole for trying to pressure you into "allowing" him to break your relationship boundaries and letting his friends put you in that position of acting like you are a controlling psycho SO. Perhaps some counseling could help you, since it is creating such a rift between you two after he went?

AddieCake · September 2014

You shouldn't have caved if you felt that strongly, but that ship has sailed. You have to either get over it and move on or let this one thing ruin your relationship.

MyNameIsNot · September 2014

You can decide that watching strippers is cheating if you want, but when you come up with a definition of cheating that isn't the definition for the majority of the population, your FI has to agree to it before it constitutes cheating.

This is not a stripper problem. This is a communication problem. You shouldn't have backed down, he should have respected your issues. More importantly, his friends never should have known about any of this to pressure you. That's a huge flag.

You need to figure out how to discuss this with him. If you can't talk about your feelings, you shouldn't get married.

holyguacamole79 · September 2014

@majadiria, I'm the same way. My husband and I both have the same standards regarding stripping and lusting after another woman. I do agree with PPs that this is a communication / respect issue. He should have put his foot down with his friends to let them know that the outing was unacceptable.

Do you have a therapist to whom you can talk with to resolve these issues? Do you still want to marry him?

Sugargirl1019 · September 2014

Oh god. I feel ya. This breaks my heart in two for you. I would let him know how it has made you feel, again, that it hasn't changed your mind.

A serious conversation needs to take place, one where you need to try really hard not to make him feel guilty and terrible for the rest of his life (because that's what I would do).

You need a hug. And if he says he's really sorry and he means it, maybe try hugging him.

If this happened to me, I would act all gross around my SO and pull away and make childish sounds if he tried to come near me. I'd make him feel terrible about what he did. But I'm unreasonable when I'm angry and hurt.

Serious conversation time.

debbeau · September 2014

I didn't care if my H went to a strip club as long as no touching went on. Did you ask him what happened? Did he get a lap dance? If it was just watching the dancers maybe you would feel better about it. I think his friends were buttholes for pressuring you. If they were pressuring you they probably were pressuring him too. Sorry hope everything works out.

raissyrais · September 2014

You caved and you said yes. It is now your responsibility to accept what happened actually happened and you have to move on. What are you gonna do? Not marry the guy? I really don't think strippers are that big of deal, but since you felt so strongly about it, you should have held your ground, even at risking your FI resenting you afterwards for it. Not a good way to go into marriage. You need some common grounds.

mrscaty · September 2014

Frankly, I would say try to let it go and learn for next time that you should stick to your guns a bit more. But if it's really bothering you, I'd say approach it as a communication issue and not as a cheating issue, because it's not. Try saying, "I felt pressured to say yes to this, and I'm having regrets about it now. I know it's too late to change your bach party, but I really need you to listen to me next time I say I'm uncomfortable with something. And I will try to stand up for myself more so that I don't have regrets next time."

THIS X1000. Perfectly put JC.

Sugargirl1019 · September 2014

Huuuuuggggggsssss to you because I'm right there with you feeling betrayal over strip clubs.

holyguacamole79 · September 2014

Sugargirl1019 said:

Huuuuuggggggsssss to you because I'm right there with you feeling betrayal over strip clubs.

Ditto.

OliveOilsMom · September 2014

Since you said you fell "repulsed" by your FI now, you need to say something to him. Have a conversation about this with him. Use JCBride's wording on how to start the conversation. But you NEED to have this conversation prior to the wedding. As best as you can, stay calm and don't raise your voice - that will help you both in the conversation.

SammiNJonni · September 2014

I have no issues with strip clubs and would even hand my FI money to go get a lap dance. This is not a stripper issue it is a communication issue. You were pressured into allowing him to go to he strip club. Your FI knew your boundaries and yet him and his friends pressured you to forget them. I would recommend you both go to premarital counseling and work on your communication issues.

levieenrose · September 2014

Amen to JC's phrasing. In addition to having a conversation on communication and respect, it might also be good for you to reflect on the means by which trust functions in your relationship. Hope you're in a better place soon.

majadiria · September 2014

HI Everyone -

Thank you so much. This was definitely an issue that I CREATED. I gave him my blessing even though I wasn't comfortable with it. I cried a LOT and we talked a LOT and everything is now okay. It was up to me to let it go. I wasn't clear with myself or with him about how deeply I would be upset by the strippers/lap dances. He told me 100% of what happened and we talked a lot and I had to do some really deep digging to get over it. But I'm over it. We're actually better and stronger than ever now

Thanks so much for the support.

SBmini · September 2014

Well, I'm glad you guys worked it out.

Post-Bachelor Party Distress

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