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Guest list frustrations. Need soothing noises, please.

JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
in Chit Chat
We ordered our StD's (yay!) and are trying to get an idea of who is a sure enough fixture on the guest list that we should send a StD.  Not even doing a full finalization of the list, just trying to get StD's out to "close" family, people who have to travel, etc.  THIS SHOULD NOT BE SO HARD.

Fi's family is huge and his parents are the type who feel like every wedding is a family reunion.  FBIL just sent us his family list from his wedding in July.  At first we were like, there are 46 rows on this Excel spreadsheet, not so bad.  Well, each row is for an entire household.  So I added it up and this is, like, 120 people who were invited to FBIL's wedding just a couple months ago.  We really want to keep our total invites around 175.  We can't invite all these people.  Fi is mostly on the same page, although he keeps asking about our venue max, which makes me worried.

Somebody please tell me it's okay to be invited to one brother's wedding and not the other brother a few months later.  Also please tell me how to not bite off FPILs' heads when they try to convince us that these people will be offended if we don't invite them.  I love them dearly, but the thought of not inviting everybody related to them would seem crazy to them.

And no, FPILs are not paying for any part of the reception.  They have offered to host the RD, though.
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Re: Guest list frustrations. Need soothing noises, please.

  • larrygagalarrygaga member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    I don't have any advice because I'm in the exact same situation and IDK what to do either. I can tell you that it's poopy and I hope it works out for you!
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  • wandajune6wandajune6 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    Damn straight it's ok.

    While we have more space between weddings, FI's brother got married 3 years ago and he invited 100 people from Mexico to their wedding. We didn't invite a single person from the entire country. His mom's taking flack but I don't care.

    My twin sister got married 5 years ago and invited a bunch of extended family, per my parent's request (my parents paid for their guests). For my wedding, we gave my parents the same option and the same cap my sister did. This time, they added a lot more friends and a lot less extended family. It wouldn't have been an issue had it not come up in discussion at a recent family funeral.

    I would offer the reminder though (not that you don't already know this): STDs are optional and, once sent out, you must invite them. When in doubt, withhold the STD!
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited September 2014
    Who paid for FBIL's wedding? Did they pay for it themselves, or did the parents of the bride pay? They might have had a bigger budget then you, that is not your problem.

    You don't have to invite someone just because they were invited to your BIL's wedding. If people have a problem with it, tough. You may have to tell your FPIL that they can have X invites. And go from there. 

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  • pinkcow13pinkcow13 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Yeesh. That sounds stressful. It's okay not to invite every single person on that list. That's a huge list! Plus, is FI close with every single person on that list? Maybe his brother is, but he is not, so I would say that it is fine. I think the guest list is one of the hardest parts of this whole planning business.
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited September 2014
    huskypuppy14 said:
    Who paid for FBIL's wedding? Did they pay for it themselves, or did the parents of the bride pay? They might have had a bigger budget then you, that is not your problem.

    You don't have to invite someone just because they were invited to your BIL's wedding. If people have a problem with it, tough. You may have to tell your FPIL that they can have X invites. And go from there. 

    ETA: paragraphs
    FBIL and FSIL paid for the wedding themselves.  I'm actually pretty sure they had the same or even smaller budget, but they made different choices with their hosting than we are.  

    Although the DJ thanked the parents of both bride and groom for "making this party possible," so it might be that there was some parent contribution.  I really wouldn't know.

    ETA: duh, I realized as I posted the comment.  I do know how they paid for the wedding.  Bride's estranged father passed away and they used her inheritance.  So yeah, it's a totally different situation.
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  • birdybride2014birdybride2014 member
    500 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Yikes, sounds exactly like us. Only we DID end up inviting FH entire family. I've come to terms with it now as we have stayed within budget, but man...there's so freaking many of them!
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  • raissyraisraissyrais member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Tough choices...I can only give you my soothing noises. So : There, there it'll be okay am sure you will come to a middle ground.
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  • sarawifenowsarawifenow member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    I have no advice. Imagine me making soothing noises along with this gif. image

    It will all work out ok! FWIW, save the dates were a source of stress for me too!

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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    As long as you and your FI are on the same page, that's all that matters.
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  • Cookie PusherCookie Pusher member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    It'll be okay. Just drown your frustrations in an endless parade of breadsticks tonight...
    ~*~*~*~*~

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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    Cookie Pusher said:
    It'll be okay. Just drown your frustrations in an endless parade of breadsticks tonight...
    Mmmmmm carbs.  I need them.
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    scribe95 said:
    This is a tough one because it sounds like your FI does want those people invited. And it is his day too. You might have to wait and add to the budget or choose a different venue/meal options that allow you to host more. 

    I come from a huge family so I get it. Everyone is invited to every wedding. And we love it that way. It might be how he feels.
    Yeah, this is what concerns me.  I think in a perfect world, he would invite all of them-- but not because he knows and loves all of them, more to avoid conflict with his parents than anything else.  He doesn't want to offend his parents or their families.

    But we have financial constraints.  Honestly I wouldn't really care if these people are there as long as we could afford to host all of them, but we can't.  Fi understands that and he doesn't want to put off the wedding to save, either.
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  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My brother, sister, and I got married within 18 months of each other. There were some distant cousins invited to one wedding and not another. We didn't get any grief. It's not fun, though.




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  • FutureMrsN3312FutureMrsN3312 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    SIL got married 2 years before us.  MIL told us soooooo many times that we "HAD" to invite the same people.

    No we don't..
    1.  BIL literally had 5 tables out of 20.  Most of his family including his parents are deceased.
    2.  We are paying for it.


    It's not our responsibility to host a family/friends reunion.  MIL had 20 coworkers on her list.  Not necessary. She's also the type to flaunt.  Not on my dime when I've been working 2 jobs and all you've done is sit back and give me grey hairs.  H and I worked for the same company (H 10 years, Me 5 years)  We had about 20 coworkers.
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  • LadyMillilLadyMillil member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    pinkcow13 said:
    Yeesh. That sounds stressful. It's okay not to invite every single person on that list. That's a huge list! Plus, is FI close with every single person on that list? Maybe his brother is, but he is not, so I would say that it is fine. I think the guest list is one of the hardest parts of this whole planning business.
    I got married in April and sis just got married. She invited a lot more extended family and family friends than I did because she still lives locally and is close to all these people while I am not. I don't know if anyone was upset by this. My cut off was "who would make an effort to visit me if they came to Vancouver on vacation".

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  • KatieinBklnKatieinBkln member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    All the soothing sounds here. I just had to get serious about a deadline for our guest list. There are only so many approved caterers for our venue and I am not about to host a foodless wedding because we don't even have a firm number...so I feel you.
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  • sophhabobophasophhabobopha member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I feel you sister. Both of our families are huge. Maybe we can each have one of @Liatris2010 's boobs?
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  • photokittyphotokitty mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I don't have good advice bc I had to convince my brother it would be a problem if he didn't invite first cousins to his wedding 9 months before my wedding and 11 months before our sister's wedding. His wife wanted a wedding under 100 people, problem was my dad is one of 9 kids and we all grew up going to Sunday dinner at grandma's. My immediate family is 14 people...so no way under 100 was going to happen.

    I invited some more distant relatives that he didn't and that wasn't a problem.
    You and FI just need to work out who you really want there. I would have cut friends before i would have cut family from either side...but that's just me. My closest friends are my family.

    Just remember, "circles" are your friend ;)
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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