• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Etiquette

Future Mother-in-Law Making Decisions

Hi, all! My future mother-in-law is planning the rehearsal dinner, as is custom. However, she's not communicating with me about any of her decisions. She's going ahead and planning the menu without knowing what is on the wedding menu. In fact, I have not even finalized the wedding menu. I told her that we plan to have mac & cheese at the wedding because that is my favorite food, and it sounds like she was wanting to put mac & cheese on the rehearsal dinner menu. I said no.

She also went ahead and decided what hotel out-of-town guests will use. Granted, it will be mostly her family that is from out of town - but I feel like that is something that she should have cleared with me. What if I had already blocked out hotel rooms somewhere else? 

My question is... What things should the future mother-in-law be running past me? I feel like I need to be more involved so that the rehearsal dinner doesn't end up being more extravagant than the wedding itself. The wedding is going to be very low budget and low key. I don't want the rehearsal to overshadow it.

Thoughts? I'm really annoyed.


Re: Future Mother-in-Law Making Decisions

  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Have you tried being honest with her and voicing your concern?


  • Not yet, because I didn't know if I was being irrational or not. I was hoping someone could tell me. If what she's doing is okay, then I don't want to make a big stink about it. Any input is appreciated!
  • Hi, all! My future mother-in-law is planning the rehearsal dinner, as is custom. However, she's not communicating with me about any of her decisions. She's going ahead and planning the menu without knowing what is on the wedding menu. In fact, I have not even finalized the wedding menu. I told her that we plan to have mac & cheese at the wedding because that is my favorite food, and it sounds like she was wanting to put mac & cheese on the rehearsal dinner menu. I said no.

    She also went ahead and decided what hotel out-of-town guests will use. Granted, it will be mostly her family that is from out of town - but I feel like that is something that she should have cleared with me. What if I had already blocked out hotel rooms somewhere else? 

    My question is... What things should the future mother-in-law be running past me? I feel like I need to be more involved so that the rehearsal dinner doesn't end up being more extravagant than the wedding itself. The wedding is going to be very low budget and low key. I don't want the rehearsal to overshadow it.

    Thoughts? I'm really annoyed.


    If your FMIL is paying for the rehearsal she can serve whatever she pleases. She doesn't need to run anything by you. I'd just let it go.

    I don't think the hotel is a big deal either. I've been to several weddings were rooms were blocked at multiple hotels. NBD.
    image
    PrettyGirlLost
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited September 2014
    Hi, all! My future mother-in-law is planning the rehearsal dinner, as is custom. However, she's not communicating with me about any of her decisions. She's going ahead and planning the menu without knowing what is on the wedding menu. In fact, I have not even finalized the wedding menu. I told her that we plan to have mac & cheese at the wedding because that is my favorite food, and it sounds like she was wanting to put mac & cheese on the rehearsal dinner menu. I said no.

    She also went ahead and decided what hotel out-of-town guests will use. Granted, it will be mostly her family that is from out of town - but I feel like that is something that she should have cleared with me. What if I had already blocked out hotel rooms somewhere else? 

    My question is... What things should the future mother-in-law be running past me? I feel like I need to be more involved so that the rehearsal dinner doesn't end up being more extravagant than the wedding itself. The wedding is going to be very low budget and low key. I don't want the rehearsal to overshadow it.

    Thoughts? I'm really annoyed.


    Since your FMIL is hosting the rehearsal dinner, what she serves is up to her. You are always welcome to decline her invitation to host and host something yourselves. 

    Food and level of formality would not be an issue for me.  But who is being invited and the timing and that people are being hosted properly would be very important to me and I would want to be sure I was on the same page as the host regarding those things before accepting their offer to host.

    Edited: to make sense.
    MairePoppyPrettyGirlLostscb2471
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Also, I don't see how the rehearsal could overshadow your wedding day, assuming you are properly hosting your guests. It will be your wedding day! A thank you dinner the night before can't beat that.
  • slothiegalslothiegal The Sloth Farm member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    Hi, all! My future mother-in-law is planning the rehearsal dinner, as is custom. However, she's not communicating with me about any of her decisions. She's going ahead and planning the menu without knowing what is on the wedding menu. In fact, I have not even finalized the wedding menu. I told her that we plan to have mac & cheese at the wedding because that is my favorite food, and it sounds like she was wanting to put mac & cheese on the rehearsal dinner menu. I said no.

    She also went ahead and decided what hotel out-of-town guests will use. Granted, it will be mostly her family that is from out of town - but I feel like that is something that she should have cleared with me. What if I had already blocked out hotel rooms somewhere else? 

    My question is... What things should the future mother-in-law be running past me? I feel like I need to be more involved so that the rehearsal dinner doesn't end up being more extravagant than the wedding itself. The wedding is going to be very low budget and low key. I don't want the rehearsal to overshadow it.

    Thoughts? I'm really annoyed.

    SIB

    I literally can not think of how a rehearsal would overshadow the wedding.

    If she's paying for the rehearsal, she gets to call the shots.  (And personally, mac and cheese on two nights sounds awesome to me.)
    Anniversary

    image
    PrettyGirlLost
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Hi, all! My future mother-in-law is planning the rehearsal dinner, as is custom. However, she's not communicating with me about any of her decisions. She's going ahead and planning the menu without knowing what is on the wedding menu. In fact, I have not even finalized the wedding menu. I told her that we plan to have mac & cheese at the wedding because that is my favorite food, and it sounds like she was wanting to put mac & cheese on the rehearsal dinner menu. I said no.

    She also went ahead and decided what hotel out-of-town guests will use. Granted, it will be mostly her family that is from out of town - but I feel like that is something that she should have cleared with me. What if I had already blocked out hotel rooms somewhere else? 

    My question is... What things should the future mother-in-law be running past me? I feel like I need to be more involved so that the rehearsal dinner doesn't end up being more extravagant than the wedding itself. The wedding is going to be very low budget and low key. I don't want the rehearsal to overshadow it.

    Thoughts? I'm really annoyed.


    If FMIL is paying for the RD, that is her party to plan. She should have control of it if she is paying for it. Unless she starts to invite people to the RD that are not invited to the wedding, then something must be said. And honestly, I love mac & cheese too, I would love to eat it 2 days in a row! It's fine if its at the RD and the wedding. The RD won't show up your wedding.

    The hotel was probably her trying to be helpful. She should have run that by you. Hotel blocks are a nice courtesy, but aren't mandatory, so I'd be annoyed by it and move on.
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited September 2014
    Hi, all! My future mother-in-law is planning the rehearsal dinner, as is custom. However, she's not communicating with me about any of her decisions. She's going ahead and planning the menu without knowing what is on the wedding menu. In fact, I have not even finalized the wedding menu. I told her that we plan to have mac & cheese at the wedding because that is my favorite food, and it sounds like she was wanting to put mac & cheese on the rehearsal dinner menu. I said no.

    She also went ahead and decided what hotel out-of-town guests will use. Granted, it will be mostly her family that is from out of town - but I feel like that is something that she should have cleared with me. What if I had already blocked out hotel rooms somewhere else? 

    My question is... What things should the future mother-in-law be running past me? I feel like I need to be more involved so that the rehearsal dinner doesn't end up being more extravagant than the wedding itself. The wedding is going to be very low budget and low key. I don't want the rehearsal to overshadow it.

    Thoughts? I'm really annoyed.


    If she is paying for the rehearsal dinner than she gets to plan the menu. It would be nice if she allowed you and FI to provide input, but it's her cal since it's her money. If you want to control it then you are welcome to host it yourself. Personally, if someone wanted to serve my favorite food at both meals I wouldn't mind one bit. You are being childish worrying that the RD will be more extravagant than the wedding, it's non issue.

    As far as the hotel goes, I don't see any issue there either. Your guests can choose whatever hotel they want - you should never sign a contract for a guaranteed block, one where you're on the hook if the rooms don't get booked, for this reason. She can choose to stay at whatever hotel she wants, if her family wants to stay in the same one as her than that is their call as well.

    Stop stressing yourself out needlessly. And don't borrow trouble with your MIL when there isn't any. :) GL!
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

    RebeccaFlowerMNVegasPrettyGirlLost
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I will side with you on the menu thing.  I think it's just a courtesy to consult each other on menus so there is little to no over-lap.     I love mac-n-cheese and filet, but would rather not eat it 2 days in a row.     Hill worth dying on?  No.  But I think it's the right thing to do.


    Hotel - leave it alone.  One less thing you have to worry about.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    rsbloomerinlin25
  • I agree with most others who say that if she is paying, she can plan as she pleases including menu, decor, etc. 

    However, I want to add that you should ask to see the guest list and make sure it's everyone who needs to be invited. This is a party on your behalf and you have every right to make sure she's not excluding SOs, only inviting groom's family and not inviting your parents... stuff like that. 

    If she refuses to share basic information with you, I would decline her offer to host the RD and host it yourself. That way, you have full control and can make decisions without external input. You'd need to make sure you and your FI are on the same page if y'all decide to do this.

    BTW, it's not "custom" for the groom's parents to host the RD. In some circles, it's tradition but tradition =/= etiquette. They've offered to host, so you're ok there, but normally you should host this yourself.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My daughter's MIL didn't consult her about the RD and the hotel block. Worked out perfectly! Everyone was glad she just went ahead and did what needed to be done.
  • The only thing regarding the hotel block that I would concern myself with, if I were you is if she picked a hotel with a price point that you know your out of town guests would be uncomfortable with. For example, FI wanted to book a block at a hotel that the rooms were $200 a night, I felt like my family would prefer to stay under $100 a night. So we got two different blocks.

    Other than that I'd let the rest go as long as she isn't trying to not invite SO's of bridal party or have a cash bar. Good luck!


  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I seriously want mac & cheese now after reading this thread.
    abbyj700bumbletiger88
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I agree with you when it comes to the menu, because people may have allergies or other food issues that she may not be taking into consideration.  But beyond that, it's really up to her to plan the menu.

    But when it comes to hotels, I don't see that that's an area you need to be given input into.  You can block rooms at a hotel of your choice, but it's up to each individual guest or unit to decide where they're going to stay.  Even if she did consult with you about that, there's no guarantee that the guests would pick the hotel you wanted them to stay at.

    For the rest of it, whoever's hosting and paying gets to decide the agenda.  If you want total control, you need to be the one paying.  So if I were you, I'd let the hotel thing go, ask for input about the menu (and be prepared to let the macaroni and cheese thing go too), and just let her plan the rest.
  • I just wanted to throw in an extreme analogy as an example of how a rehearsal dinner could NEVER overshadow a wedding.

    If I was invited to a super fancy rehearsal dinner...5-star restaurant, filet mignon and lobster, Dom Perignon flowing.  And then the wedding was a super casual backyard BBQ with the bride in jeans and a tee shirt.  I'd still be moved and tearing up as the bride and groom said their vows, but would not have that reaction at the rehearsal dinner.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    allisoneliz
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Jen4948 said:
    I agree with you when it comes to the menu, because people may have allergies or other food issues that she may not be taking into consideration.  But beyond that, it's really up to her to plan the menu.

    But when it comes to hotels, I don't see that that's an area you need to be given input into.  You can block rooms at a hotel of your choice, but it's up to each individual guest or unit to decide where they're going to stay.  Even if she did consult with you about that, there's no guarantee that the guests would pick the hotel you wanted them to stay at.

    For the rest of it, whoever's hosting and paying gets to decide the agenda.  If you want total control, you need to be the one paying.  So if I were you, I'd let the hotel thing go, ask for input about the menu (and be prepared to let the macaroni and cheese thing go too), and just let her plan the rest.
    I also agree with you on the menu.  I was just in a wedding with my best friend.  She literally could eat nothing at the rehearsal dinner because she is severely allergic to pork, and the plate we were served had the carnitas mingling with the rest of the food.  There was no option not to have it.  A religious person would also not have been able to eat because the juices mingled with the rest of the plate.  

    If you have dietary concerns I would address those with your FMIL.  Other than that, no one is going to overshadow your wedding day, so enjoy the dinner!  


    image
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    My in laws planned the rehearsal dinner themselves. They chose steak tips, a chicken dish, and a fish dish. We had beef, chicken and fish at the wedding, but it was prepared completely different, so it was not an issue.

    I also don't understand this statement: She also went ahead and decided what hotel out-of-town guests will use.

    How can she decide what hotel everyone will stay at? That is up to each individual person/couple. If she made a room block at a hotel, I find that a little overstepping her bounds, but if you don't like, it make another one somewhere else. 

    You can always have more than one room block.
    image
    image

    image


  • She who pays, says.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • If it makes you feel any better, my MOH is planning a super fancy shower at THE fanciest place in our hometown.... And it's going to be WAY fancier than the wedding. But that's going to be just fine with me, because she's trying to be as traditional and proper as possible and this is what she wants. It does feel a bit weird though.
    My FI's family is also doing our RD. It is custom, and they offered, so we took them up on it. Key word is "offered," though. I've taken everyone up on the help that they OFFERED but the only person I asked for help was my good friend who basically ended up doing my invites for me- because I really needed help and direction. But that was one of those things where "can I borrow your printer if I buy you ink?" became "can you help me with formatting and addressing because I can't use a computer and my handwriting sucks?"
  • She definitely should have advised you on the hotel but as far as the food goes for the rehearsal dinner I would just take a back seat to that.  You have more important things to do than argue with her about whether or not to serve mac and cheese.  Let her have a little control since she should have no part in the actual wedding planning.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • KatieinBklnKatieinBkln (NO SLEEP TIL) Brooklyn! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    I agree with most others who say that if she is paying, she can plan as she pleases including menu, decor, etc. 

    However, I want to add that you should ask to see the guest list and make sure it's everyone who needs to be invited. This is a party on your behalf and you have every right to make sure she's not excluding SOs, only inviting groom's family and not inviting your parents... stuff like that. 

    If she refuses to share basic information with you, I would decline her offer to host the RD and host it yourself. That way, you have full control and can make decisions without external input. You'd need to make sure you and your FI are on the same page if y'all decide to do this.

    BTW, it's not "custom" for the groom's parents to host the RD. In some circles, it's tradition but tradition =/= etiquette. They've offered to host, so you're ok there, but normally you should host this yourself.
    Genuinely not trying to be a dick here, but custom=/=etiquette. Custom is another word for "tradition" so I don't see the distinction here.
    image
    This baby knows exactly how I feel
  • I agree with most others who say that if she is paying, she can plan as she pleases including menu, decor, etc. 

    However, I want to add that you should ask to see the guest list and make sure it's everyone who needs to be invited. This is a party on your behalf and you have every right to make sure she's not excluding SOs, only inviting groom's family and not inviting your parents... stuff like that. 

    If she refuses to share basic information with you, I would decline her offer to host the RD and host it yourself. That way, you have full control and can make decisions without external input. You'd need to make sure you and your FI are on the same page if y'all decide to do this.

    BTW, it's not "custom" for the groom's parents to host the RD. In some circles, it's tradition but tradition =/= etiquette. They've offered to host, so you're ok there, but normally you should host this yourself.
    Genuinely not trying to be a dick here, but custom=/=etiquette. Custom is another word for "tradition" so I don't see the distinction here.
    In my mind, "tradition" is something that's passed down in certain families/social circles and "custom" is more a societal standard. I interpreted OP's post as trying to use "custom" as a synonym for "etiquette". I agree with you that custom doesn't necessarily = etiquette either.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    KatieinBkln
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards