I'm going BSC over here! (long and ranty)

FoxandBunny · September 2014

Ok, I mentioned this in my Monday chat post, but I'm going to go BSC soon if I don't do something. There are two things that are going to drive me crazy in two totally different ways, so I'm just going to rant about them here.

First, BF's mother. I've always had some sort of problem with her, but now she's gone over the edge. She came back from Florida (where she lives now) last week for doctors appointments. Cool, whatever. One night while she was here, she point blank asked BF when he was breaking up with me. Literally "So, when are you breaking up with FoxandBunny?"

BF was very confused and asked what she was talking about. She repeated the question, adding that since she and I don't get along, he needs to break up with me because it's important that his GF and mother are buddy-buddy and obviously I'm not the right person for him because I don't spend hours every time I'm over with him talking to her.

This sent BF off into a tirade about how our relationship was none of her business and she didn't get to dictate it and she needed to shut up. This isn't the first time this has happened (when we started dating she tried to set him up on dates with other people, even right before she moved she asked if he was going to date anyone at his new workplace, ect) and I'm so pissed about it that I don't think I could talk to her confronting her about it. Luckily (or maybe not) BF waited until after she left to tell me about this.

On a lighter and unrelated note, BF and my 5th anniversary is Thursday, and my subconscious has somehow decided he is going to propose. This does not fit into our timeline at all. I'd be super happy if it did happen, but it's no big deal (despite some possible BSC one-second sadness) if it doesn't.

Seriously though, I've had multiple dreams about it at this point. It may be because a ton of my friends have recently become engaged. It is also partly because he asked if I had any clues about what he had gotten me as a gift and I guessed diamond earrings (which I would just about faint over) and he essentially said he had gotten me something better and more expensive. This could mean a ton of things, but of course, my mind went to a ring. I don't have time to be worrying about this! I have way to much school crap to do!

So, this freaking long post is just a rant about how I'm either going BSC mad over his mother or BSC over waiting. Please talk some sense into me, because I really need it.

Hummingbird125 · September 2014

@FoxandBunny - your BF's mom sounds like a class-A biotch. I'd be super upset if I were you. It sounds like your BF did the right thing and stuck up for you, but since his mom sounds completely crazy, it might be best if he just doesn't tell you when she says hurtful things like that. You know she's wacko, you know he's sticking up for you, knowing specific things she says/does is only going to upset you.

As far as the potential impending proposal - we can all tell you to relax and not get your hopes up, but from experience I know that your hopes will probably be high regardless. Just try to enjoy everything else about your anniversary, because even if you don't get engaged it will still be a GREAT time and you should be making awesome memories - not dwelling on something that just wasn't meant to happen yet!

Edited: Dwelling, not swelling!

[Deleted User] · September 2014

Ditto what @hummingbird125 said.

FoxandBunny · September 2014

@Hummingbird125 - Thanks, you're totally right. I'll tell BF to not inform me of when she says those types of things. That's probably a good way to handle it.

I'm really looking forward to our anniversary anyway (possibility of engagement or no). I'll try to focus on how awesome dinner is going to be instead of what may happen.

bethsmiles · September 2014

Holy shit! Your BF's mom is pretty damn ballsy to just throw that out there like it's no big deal. I'm glad your BF shut her down! Just keep minimum contact with her from now on - obviously be polite but it's not a relationship I would try to repair, she has to be the one to do that.

Also, we are almost anniversary twins! Mine and BF's 6 years anniversary is on Sunday. I'm also trying very hard to not to go BSC expecting a proposal. At this point I'm just repeating "He's not going to propose" over and over again in my head like some sort of meditative chant. Just don't let the day be ruined if he doesn't propose.

loves2shop4shoes · September 2014

@Hummingbird125 FTW.

FoxandBunny · September 2014

@bethsmiles - Yay (almost) anniversary twins! And I won't let the day be ruined, it will be awesome either way!

And yeah, Bf's mom is something. Luckily, now that she's moved to Florida, it's easier to keep limited contact. BF isn't fond of her either, which makes it easier. But it seems like she's making more and more of these comments now that she's moved. Maybe BF is just telling me about more of them? I've always been very polite to her, but apparently that's not enough.

Ollie08 · September 2014

Ditto everything @Hummingbird125 said. And your BF's mom sounds like a real twatwaffle. She'd better start behaving or she'll end up losing him, just like my mom lost my brother to his wife.

[Deleted User] · September 2014

I remember you telling us about your BF's mom before. I'm so sorry she's behaving this way. There's really no excuse. It makes me angry for you - not just because she's saying these horrible things to your BF about you, but also because it sounds like she's made ZERO effort herself to attempt to build a relationship with YOU. It's not your responsibility to become BFF with your SO's mom. Those kinds of relationships are build over time - and really can't get off to a good start if she doesn't respect you and your relationship with her son in the first place. Props to your BF though, who is clearly standing by your side in all of this and standing up for your relationship!

Obviously you've been around here long enough to know we're all going to throw caution at your second comment. It may or may not be a ring...but either way have a wonderful anniversary! 5 years is no small milestone!!!

phira · September 2014

Definitely have a lovely anniversary, and it might help to just convince yourself he's not going to propose. Like, don't even hope for it. Expect it not to happen. It'll be more fun

And his mom needs to gtfo, I just can't even.

FoxandBunny · September 2014

@ollie08 - She is quite the twatwaffle. And she's pretty much already lost him, and I think she thinks it's my fault. Maybe that's the problem. It's not my fault; I wish she was a sane human being, as does he. But she's been crazy for as long as BF can remember (we are pretty sure she's narcissistic as she fits almost all of the clinical traits) and while he wants to keep some sort of distant relationship with her, if she keeps acting this way he's already told me (and maybe her?) that he's not afraid to cut of the relationship with her. Especially if she forces him to choose.

Side note, twatwaffle is a fantastic word.

@allusive007 - Yeah, she has made very little effort. She's nice to my face most of the time, but does she think that BF won't tell me when she says stuff like that? She has been hostile about me since the first time I met her and hasn't really tried to get to know me. Yet expects me to come sit with her and talk and be girly (something that's not my deal).

And yes, BF has been fantastic at standing up for us from day one, which I'm very grateful for.

I know what kind of comment are coming about the second bit

I expect them. I just needed to say it and have others say that I'm being crazy to try and damper my subconscious! Having others tell me that helps reinforce it.

@phira - I'm trying! I just had to tell someone I was going crazy! It's too much to keep bottled up. And I'm sure my anniversary will be more fun for it.

Dignity100 · September 2014

This might sound odd, but I've been doing a bit of research on the 'breaking up with your parents' / 'estranged from parents' topic; there is more out there for the parents when their adult children decide to break things off. One of the big things I saw that continued to come up is the parents never know 'why' and they do blame it on the wrong things. If your BF is distancing himself from his mother, I think he should let her know that it's not because of you or anything like that so she doesn't blame you and doesn't try to ruin your relationship. Just my 2 cents on the matter.

Sorry you're going through the rough time with his mom.

As far as your anniversary - there are a ton of things he could have got like a trip or maybe he's teasing because he got you the earrings and a necklace.

bethsmiles · September 2014

I think you and your BF should just start sending this gif to his BSC mother when she is rude about you:

I won't hear it and I won't respond to it animated .gif - arrested-development Fan Art

speakeasy14 · September 2014

Holy crazy!!! I honestly am impressed that you have lasted 5 years without going BSC on her! Just keep being polite and I like the idea of requesting from your bf that he don't tell you what she says about you anymore. At least she doesn't live close enough to constantly belittle you

As for #2.... It's not a ring. Keep telling yourself that. Don't think about what it is at all, because no matter what you try to convince yourself it is, it won't be. I'm incredibly nosy and always try to figure out my gifts, and end up being slightly bothered when I don't get what I was thinking it was. So just don't think about it at all and you'll be spared those feelings! I know easier said than done, but just focus on how much fun you'll have with him.

phira · September 2014

@dignity100 I've seen the same trend with that kind of information. I've also found that a lot of information for children trying to handle parents with narcissistic personality disorder (which is what my dad has) are resources about how to deal with moms, not dads. As painful as it would be, I kind of think we need to like ... put together a bunch of people's stories about dealing with parents like this.

eilis1228 · September 2014

Oh wow, that is beyond crazy behavior. I remember you posting about her encouraging to date people at his new job, but I think this incident crosses the line so far she can't even see it. I mean wow. I really hope she can put a lid on her behavior soon so that she doesn't completely lose out on a relationship with her son.

I think @hummingbird125 has GREAT advice, and I whole-heartedly cosign. I wish there were an easier, more clear cut way to handle that dynamic, but it's a lose-lose situation for everyone unfortunately.

As for your anniversary, try to enjoy the day! I know it's far easier said than done, but do your best to come up with an idea of what it could be that does not involve a ring! Maybe it's a trip? Or a tennis bracelet? Or a fancy new purse? Or, like @loves2shop4shoes told me when I was going BSC, maybe it's a pony! There are so many other possibilities that will be fantastic gifts in their own right, and it sounds like he's put a lot of thought into your gift, which is so sweet. Regardless of your gift, 5 years is a huge milestone, and it sounds like you guys have a lot to celebrate given the hurdles thrown your way recently.

FoxandBunny · September 2014

eilis1228 - Just saying, if it was an actual pony, I think I would flip my shit. I would look like this:

He has put a ton of thought into it and is having way to much fun teasing me about it. When I went to visit him tonight he kept bringing up how it was somewhere in the room with an evil grin on his face. Thankfully I only have two more days left!

@bethsmiles - I love that gif. I have to keep that in mind next time!

@speakeasy14 - Yeah, her moving to Florida was a saving grace. Our lives are so much easier now. And thanks, I'm surprised I haven't blow up on her yet either.

@dignity100 - I think he may have tried to tell her that it's not my fault, but she isn't listening. I asked BF about it and he said she seemed to be in denial about him distancing himself from her, so who knows.

@phira - I found the reddit /r/raisedbynarcissists to be helpful when I was first looking into it. They have lots of great support and helpful information (even on dads). Some of the stories there are pretty amazing.

phira · September 2014

@FoxandBunny thanks! I might check it out. I've been estranged from my dad for a long time (for 8 out of the past 10 years, and currently for the past 5 years), but sometimes, family stuff rears its ugly head.

WildMagelet · September 2014

Wow...she's full of the crazy.

Next time he says "it's in this room" you should act disappointed because that it's obviously *not* a pony

Enjoy your anniversary, try not to focus too much on the gift before its given! (Easier said than done, I know)

eilis1228 · September 2014

@FoxandBunny it's obviously a Thumbelina-sized pony.

FoxandBunny · September 2014

@WildMagelet and @eilis1228 - I asked him if he had gotten me a pony and he said no. This makes me sadder than it should.

Also, a tiny pony would be amazing and awesome and I would love it forever and ever. I bet my dorm would even let me keep it (maybe not, but I'd keep it anyway).

I'm going BSC over here! (long and ranty)

Re: I'm going BSC over here! (long and ranty)

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