Ideas for honoring my mother

Knottie8612572 · September 2014

I got engaged 2 weeks ago and just last week my mother passed away from cancer. I thought she would make it long enough to be at the wedding, but God had a different plan. I want to make her as involved in my wedding as possible without over doing it. Any suggestions or ideas on ways I can honor my mother on my big day? Anyone have experience with losing a parent in this process?

southernbelle0915 · September 2014

Knottie8612572 said:

I got engaged 2 weeks ago and just last week my mother passed away from cancer. I thought she would make it long enough to be at the wedding, but God had a different plan. I want to make her as involved in my wedding as possible without over doing it. Any suggestions or ideas on ways I can honor my mother on my big day? Anyone have experience with losing a parent in this process?

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. Cancer is wicked.

Can you incorporate something of hers into your attire and/or your bouquet? What about playing her favorite song at the reception? What about serving her favorite side dish? Making her favorite type of chocolate your favor?

I would stay far away form anything overt that looks like a memorial - like putting her picture on an empty chair. Those types of things are extremely garish and rub people the wrong way. Keep it subtle - I'm sure she'd want the day to be about you, not her.

peachy13 · September 2014

Southernbelle - I completely agree with your post, specifically the last sentence. My father passed away and the last thing he'd ever want me to do is to create an upsetting scene about him on my wedding day.

OP - I'm so sorry for your loss. My FI's mother and my father are both gone, and we are probably going to set up a few photos of them with some flowers on one of the tables in our reception... nice photos that we love of them. We will also likely put a little memorial shout-out to both of them in our ceremony program. We are skipping the mother/son and father/daughter dances but have talked about possibly playing both of their favorite songs at some point during the night (but to make sure they're upbeat, happy songs).

Lauderdale Pink · September 2014

As a personal touch, you might take a private moment to light a candle, either with another family member or your FI. I absolutely love the idea of you having a personal item of hers with you on that day, maybe a pair of earrings.

ohannabelle · September 2014

I think it's very early in the grieving process to decide this. Right now, the loss is probably overshadowing everything. Don't make this decision till later, when the immediate pain has begun to subside.

But ultimately, do what feels right for you.

My daughter had small blue fabric flowers, made from her brother's shirt, sewn onto her petticoat. Nobody knew they were there but us, and that was enough for her. Other people might want their family member acknowledged more publicly. It's very very much a personal choice.

(I'm so sorry.)

[Deleted User] · September 2014

I'm planning on using a blue item of my grandmother's clothing and sew a little heart onto the inside of my dress so I have a little piece of her with me all day

Knottie76885396 · September 2014

So sorry to hear about your loss. I cannot fathom how hard it must be not being able to share this with your mother. I think it's absolutely lovely that you want to honour her on the day.

A few ideas to honour her could be:

Dedicate her in the program
Use part of her wedding dress or veil
Use a piece of blue clothing to wrap your bouquet
Wear her perfume on the day (scent is an amazing memory association trigger)
Play her wedding song/first dance song at the wedding

Jen4948 · September 2014

I'm very sorry for your loss. As PPs have noted, in order to keep the day from coming off too much like a memorial service, it's best to keep any "memorials" quiet and subtle. Wearing or carrying something belonging to or associated with your mother, providing food, drinks, decorations, or entertainment she would have enjoyed, and giving her a tribute in a program (if you are having them) are all nice ways to "remember" her.

atlastmrsg · September 2014

We had a few close family members that we wanted to memorialize at our wedding. We had a vase with a white rose for each of them, and a placard with their name/relationship to us beside it, on a table next to our guest book.

Knottie8214327 · October 2014

I'm sorry to hear about your mom

I work for a wedding venue in North Georgia so I've seen a few things done to honor people. The two most common are pictures on a table (but usually no flowers or anything that makes it look like like a memorial... something subtle), and an empty chair (no picture on the chair), maybe with a special seat cover. The chair can either be pulled to the side or just wherever she would've sat.

Southerbelle0915 has great ideas, though. I like incorporating something of hers in your attire, maybe a pin?

In general I agree that being subtle is key! Keeping her in your thoughts and having a good time and enjoying your day is probably one of the best ways you can honor her.

Again, I'm sorry for your loss.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Love is easy, but hard to find, and even harder to keep.

A couples bucket list can keep you focused.

Jen4948 · October 2014

Knottie8214327 said:

I'm sorry to hear about your mom

I work for a wedding venue in North Georgia so I've seen a few things done to honor people. The two most common are pictures on a table (but usually no flowers or anything that makes it look like like a memorial... something subtle), and an empty chair (no picture on the chair), maybe with a special seat cover. The chair can either be pulled to the side or just wherever she would've sat.

Southerbelle0915 has great ideas, though. I like incorporating something of hers in your attire, maybe a pin?

In general I agree that being subtle is key! Keeping her in your thoughts and having a good time and enjoying your day is probably one of the best ways you can honor her.

Again, I'm sorry for your loss.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Love is easy, but hard to find, and even harder to keep.
A couples bucket list can keep you focused.

We advise against the bolded for 2 reasons:

1) It calls too much attention to the absence of the deceased person and the reason for it, and that adds a sense of macabre to what should be a happy occasion.
2) Those who have to sit near it and those others who may also be in mourning for the deceased may be especially uncomfortable and/or upset by it.

It's always advisable to keep any "memorials" quiet and subtle so as not to invoke more grief and loss.

wrigleyville · October 2014

You could use a bouquet charm:

szl25 · October 2014

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I'm in a different, yet somewhat similar, predicament also. My mother passed away very suddenly a couple of months ago, which also happened to be a few weeks before I was to get married. I understand how heartbreaking it is to lose someone when you thought you had more time with them and that they'd be there to see you get married.

Naturally, there was no way I would be emotionally ready (nor would the rest of my family) to get married a few weeks after she passed so we postponed the wedding until about 8 months later (this was just a matter of looking at our schedules and seeing when we could do it). I mean, how could the very person in the pictures at my bridal shower and the person who helped me pick out my wedding dress really be gone? But everything seemed to work itself out from there. Thanks to a great cancellation policy at our venue and a very understanding catering company, we were out only about $50. Of course, our guests who were flying in from out of town were out a bit more than we were but most of them turned it into a nice vacation for themselves.

We decided to move the location of our wedding to my home state so my mother could be with us, therefore, wedding planning is starting from scratch again. Before the wedding or between the ceremony and reception, we are thinking of privately throwing flowers into the ocean for her as this is where we scattered her ashes. We are also thinking of having some of her favorite foods as part of our buffet. She finished writing our vows for us a few days before she passed so we plan to have that read by our officiant. I am not a person that is very outwardly emotional so honoring my mom will have to be very subtle in order for me to keep myself together that day. Empty chairs, pictures...those are all things that I just can't do.

We did end up signing our marriage certificate on the day we had originally planned to get married, but we did so on our own. We live in a different state from our families so we chose not to have any kind of ceremony or party for this. The ceremony and reception we will have months from now will be our little celebration. We just wanted to honor our commitment to each other on the day we had chosen and felt that my mom would want nothing more than for us to do so.

No matter what I do, I'm sure I'll be very sad because my mom isn't there. Her passing so close to the wedding is a permanent reminder. My wedding will always and forever be "Plan B" without my mom there, but I hope some of my ideas for honoring her will help you make a decision that is right for you.

wrigleyville · October 2014

I am really, really sorry to hear about your mother, and I know it's hard to think straight when something like this happens, but do those guests who are flying in to see your "wedding" know you're already married?

szl25 · October 2014

They do. Everyone is treating it as a "normal wedding" since no one has celebrated it with us. In our eyes, our wedding was always meant to celebrate a happy moment in our lives with our family and friends. Nothing has changed about the underlying purpose. We just made it legal before the event.

Knottie7596769 · November 2014

Hi, I am so sorry for your loss. I have an idea that hasn't been posted yet. My father passed of lung cancer and in lieu of giving flowers at his service, he requested people give money towards the Lung Cancer Society or the local hospital. We will be donating money in remembrance instead of giving favors to our guests. You can have a little card at the table stating so. Just an idea

slothiegal · November 2014

Knottie7596769 said:

Hi, I am so sorry for your loss. I have an idea that hasn't been posted yet. My father passed of lung cancer and in lieu of giving flowers at his service, he requested people give money towards the Lung Cancer Society or the local hospital. We will be donating money in remembrance instead of giving favors to our guests. You can have a little card at the table stating so. Just an idea

Not to sound like a parrot, but I'm sorry for your loss as well.

However, I would warn against the donating money in lieu of favors. While obviously the Lung Cancer Society is near and dear to you, other guests may not feel the same. If people want to donate, they can do it on their own time; not have it done in their name, without their knowledge/approval. It can also seem (even if it's not the intention) a little AW--"Look what a good person I am, donating all this money!"

The reception is a time to thank your guests for their attendance; making a donation does not thank them in any way.

kissyface454 · November 2014

I am SO sorry for your loss.

The other posters have given some awesome ideas, I just didn't want to leave this post without saying that I'm truly sorry for your loss.

danamw · November 2014

I went to a wedding, which was fast-forwarded so the bride's mom could see her get married. MOB was dying of cancer, and she had to be brought into the church in a wheelchair. She was unable to attend the reception, as she was having one of her bad days.

The MOH, bride's sister, gave a toast and cried. Guests were crying and eye-wiping. I am not a crier but felt kind of small because of it. The MOB died while the couple was on their honeymoon, but they caught a quick flight back. The marriage lasted about 2 years.

I can't recall why I started typing this.

Ideas for honoring my mother

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