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Annoyed...

allisonelizallisoneliz member
5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
in Chit Chat
My 3 closest GFs and I have a Sunday tradition where we go to pub night at an awesome local restaurant, just the 4 of us. Not everyone makes it every week, but it's the one day a week we have a standing date to see each other. I'm an introvert and really value this time with my closest friends, who are all super extroverted but know me well and always make a point of listening to my stories about what's going on in my life. It's a great friendship and a real "safe place" and we all look forward to it every week.

Well this week one of the girls (let's call her Carole) informed the rest of us that she was discussing her weekend plans with another girl (Becky) and that Becky has sort of invited herself to our Sunday hangout. Carole just notified us via group text message what happened, and that she "couldn't say no without hurting Becky's feelings" and that she "wanted to run it by the group" to see if we were cool with her coming (which is not really "running it by us", but rather informing us after the fact... by I digress). Of course the other two responded with an enthusiastic "yes" and now I feel like a jerk for being annoyed (I haven't actually responded yet).

I wish I didn't mind, but I do. It feels super whiny and SS-y when I say it out loud, and i actually really do like Becky, but adding other people changes the group dynamic and makes it not as enjoyable/comfortable for me. This is something I put into my weekly budget because it's such a value-added activity in my life. I'm annoyed at Carole's "ask for forgiveness" approach here because she knows I'm the introvert of the group, and the one who prefers to hang out in smaller groups, and the only one who's likely to really mind. It puts me in an awkward position.

So at this point my only options are to either a) go and spend $ on an activity I won't enjoy that much (I'll barely be able to get a word in, and also am not close enough with Becky that I'd feel comfortable discussing all my stuff with her there), or b) stay home and save my money for next week, knowing the girls will know why I bailed.

Any other introverts out there who would be annoyed by this, or am I being unreasonable here?
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Re: Annoyed...

  • InkdancerInkdancer member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    I would be annoyed and would bail. Sorry ladies, see you next week!
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  • theycallmelinztheycallmelinz member
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    I would be annoyed, but would probably still go. Just my 2 cents. 
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
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    I would say I'm more of an introvert than extrovert, but I would not let a someone tagging along to be a deal breaker.   But it does bother you and as you said not everyone shows up every week so just bail.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • flyingfoxesflyingfoxes member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Been there, done that.  We had a girl invite herself out to our semi-regular girls' night, and we had to have her best friend gently tell her she couldn't come.  We have 5 of us that go out regularly, and it just felt like it would screw up our dynamic. 
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  • mschristie123mschristie123 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    Meh, maybe this is just me, but this wouldn't bother me. Your 3 besties will still be there, which is all that matters. Anyway, "Becky" is only gonna be there for one night, it's not like she's becoming an adopted member of the group.
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  • jackannlujackannlu member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    I totally understand. I'm an introvert as we'll and there a handful of people other than my family that I feel truly relaxed and comfortable around. That being said, if 3 of the 4 people I was going to be hanging out with were part of my inner group, I wouldn't mind the extra person (as long as it doesn't become a regular thing). And you said you know and like Becky, so it's not as if a stranger we're tagging along. Yeah, the convo topics might be different, but you are still likely to have a good time. However I also think it's perfectly fine to bail as well.
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  • hellosweetie1015hellosweetie1015 member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    Not gonna lie, I'd bail. I would be super concerned that this person that I didn't know well and who wasn't really in my group would attempt to insert herself in it.

    ...that sounds super bitchy. But my thing is - it's my established routine getting screwed up. I'm not comfortable with people. Even at family gatherings, where I generally know 90% of the people I'm dealing with, I'm not comfortable. I sit as close to a corner as possible and don't initiate much of anything in the way of conversation. It took me a long time to get comfortable with my best friend. If we went out consistently just us, and then out of the blue a "stranger" came along, I would not enjoy it at all. I would sit there pulling at my label or crumbling my straw paper or tearing at my napkin. I wouldn't be participating, and I wouldn't enjoy myself. Like at all. So I'd bail. If my friend asked - which would be highly unlikely - I'd tell her that I liked Becky, but I felt that our Sunday evening bar crawl was our thing, and I didn't know Becky well enough to include her yet.
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Bail if you want. But I think you should go and make the best of it. If it's as awkward as you think it's going to be, leave early.
                       
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  • larrygagalarrygaga member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited September 2014
    This seems like a really silly thing to be upset over, but don't go if you don't want to. Not going just sounds passive aggressive to me. It's okay if one week is "ruined" since you have it every week, isn't it?

    EDIT: I am always down to make new friends. I'm really surprised at the responses here. There are a lot of introvert people here! Which is fine, but that's why my response is so different.

    Honestly, you could go and try to open up, or just stay quiet that week. If you depend on these ladies to talk about problems with and it bothers you this much if you can't, maybe you should look into a therapist?
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    the more I think about this the more I think you should not go. You've already decided you will be unhappy. I do not see you changing your mind.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    I'm an extrovert, so this wouldn't bother me at all. 

    Both my husband and my best friend are introverts; I don't think this would bother my husband, but this same situation probably would bother my best friend. I like hearing introverts opinion of situations since they are so different from my own.
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  • levioosalevioosa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I am a huge introvert and this would bother me too.  I know it's a little silly, but I would have been looking forward to hanging out with close friends and no one else.  Meeting someone new when I had planned on relaxing would really drain me.  I don't think extroverts really understand how draining social activity (even if it's with people you love and have a great time with) can be.  

    This happened to me a few weeks ago.  I was supposed to go to dinner with a good friend.  She texts me that her bff broke up with her boyfriend and asked (read: told me) if it was cool for her bff to join.  I didn't want to be a jerk and tell her no, but I wasn't hip on the idea.  Then bff plus two other friends of hers showed up and they were all joking around and telling inside jokes.  It made me super uncomfortable and I felt like I was just hanging around awkwardly and not really part of the group.  I felt really drained at the end of the night.  I just wanted a fun dinner with my friend.  But instead I did the adult thing and comforted the girl who had broken up with her bf and hung out.  None of us are ever going to be bosom buddies, but at least I didn't come off like a bitch.   

    If you're that uncomfortable, decline the dinner.  I think you're probably better off going and maybe you'll end up liking Becky. Either way, it's just a one time thing.  You could also just go for an hour and then plan something relaxing for yourself when you get home.  And even if you won't be comfortable talking a lot, think of it as time for you to catch up with what is going on in your friend's lives.  The good thing is this is a weekly deal, so it's not like you haven't seen each other for five months and this is the only time to see each other.  


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  • jenna8984jenna8984 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    mschristie123 said:
    Meh, maybe this is just me, but this wouldn't bother me. Your 3 besties will still be there, which is all that matters. Anyway, "Becky" is only gonna be there for one night, it's not like she's becoming an adopted member of the group.

    Not going to lie- I'd be worried of Carole telling her it was so great to have her there and inviting her again. Otherwise it would be a little awkward for Becky to find out that it's weekly and she's not invited back....

    I feel you. I used to live 3,000 miles away so on the rare occasion when I fly out to visit those old friends, I set up a dinner for my closest 3 friends (and their spouses). I find it really hard to carry on conversation with more than that. Every time, some of them ask me if they can bring friends....I'm like not to be a bitch but no. I flew here to see you, not go to dinner with 15 people I don't know.

                                                                     

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  • allisonelizallisoneliz member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    jackannlu said:
    I totally understand. I'm an introvert as we'll and there a handful of people other than my family that I feel truly relaxed and comfortable around. That being said, if 3 of the 4 people I was going to be hanging out with were part of my inner group, I wouldn't mind the extra person (as long as it doesn't become a regular thing). And you said you know and like Becky, so it's not as if a stranger we're tagging along. Yeah, the convo topics might be different, but you are still likely to have a good time. However I also think it's perfectly fine to bail as well.
    You make a great point - that it's mostly the inner group, and that the addition is not a stranger, but someone I do like. 

    jenna8984 - Carole definitely knows that this is "our thing" and that it wouldn't be cool to invite others on a regular basis. Becky is someone we see regularly and is part of our bigger group of friends, but Sundays are kind of sacred to us! We actually have a (private) name for our little group. Because we're 10 :-P

    larrygaga - I don't think being introverted, or having a small group of trusted friends, means one needs therapy. It's not a matter being dependant on them to talk about problems and being upset if I can't do that every single week, it's just an annoyance this one week. If it came down to it and I had some big problem that needed talking out, they would be here in an instant.

    I really think it's hard for extroverts to understand us introverts sometimes. A couple of people have used the word "silly". I'm lucky that my core girls understand (or at least love me despite) my introverted self. 

    As for this Sunday... I think I will go. As a couple of PPs have said, I'll still get to sit back and listen and catch up on what everyone's been up to, and it's just this once.

    Thanks for all the input, ladies! It's helpful to hear from such a diverse group :-)
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  • lc07lc07 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    My mom was a part of a book club for a long time. She wanted to invite her best friend to it who had recently gotten into reading regularly. The group said no to this friend being added. My mom peace'd out. I am SO proud of my mom.

    Anyone remember one of our community members posting about how nervous she was about meeting new friends and how badly she wanted them? Introvert or not, you sound really snobby to be excluding someone else from your group. 
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  • raissyraisraissyrais member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper First Anniversary
    I understand where you're coming from OP but maybe poor Becky wants to have friends too? I'm only trying to put myself in her place. 
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  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    I'm very introverted IRL, but I honestly don't think I would let this bother me to this extent. Yes it's sort of off-putting the way she was invited, but I think you could try being a little more open-minded. Maybe things won't be as bad as you're assuming. Or maybe, as Raissy suggested, Becky has a hard time making close friends too and envies what you have. If you've already made your mind up that you'll be miserable though, I think you should decline. But I hope you realize that this would be your issue, not Carole's.
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  • hellosweetie1015hellosweetie1015 member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    I can definitely see the other side, but to me, if Becky were the introverted type, she'd be less likely to accept an invitation to a group of people that she didn't know. Introverts typically recharge with alone time or time spent with "their" people; extroverts recharge with socializing.

    I'm glad you're going to go, OP! I think you'll still have fun. It'll just be a different dynamic.

    (I stand by the fact that I'd bail, though. Because I totally would. I am, however, one of those horrid creatures who actually really just hates people in general, on top of being shy and introverted. Which are, in fact, different things.)
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  • allisonelizallisoneliz member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited September 2014
    raissyrais said: I understand where you're coming from OP but maybe poor Becky wants to have friends too? I'm only trying to put myself in her place. 

    SIB



    Becky is one of our friends. I was at her baby shower last week. They get invited to our parties, we get invited to their parties. 
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  • jackannlujackannlu member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    larrygaga said:
    This seems like a really silly thing to be upset over, but don't go if you don't want to. Not going just sounds passive aggressive to me. It's okay if one week is "ruined" since you have it every week, isn't it?

    EDIT: I am always down to make new friends. I'm really surprised at the responses here. There are a lot of introvert people here! Which is fine, but that's why my response is so different.

    Honestly, you could go and try to open up, or just stay quiet that week. If you depend on these ladies to talk about problems with and it bothers you this much if you can't, maybe you should look into a therapist?
    As a fellow introvert, I totally understand where she's coming from. It's not that she uses her friends as a free therapy session, but just basic girl talk would be limited. If someone I didn't feel extremely comfortable with was around, I wouldn't engage in conversation on certain topics and would generally be more shy overall. So having Becky around, because OP is introverted, changes the dynamic and would make OP much more of a wallflower than an active participant, which isn't all that fun and makes one feel awkward.  
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Years ago, we got a new teacher at work, and because she had been the former student of another one of our group, she sat with us at lunch. For the first few weeks, I found her presence unsettling b/c I don't like change, and I felt like the group was different. 

    That girl is one of the 2 standing by my side on my wedding day there in my sig pic. Give Becky a chance. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • lc07lc07 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    jackannlu said:
    larrygaga said:
    This seems like a really silly thing to be upset over, but don't go if you don't want to. Not going just sounds passive aggressive to me. It's okay if one week is "ruined" since you have it every week, isn't it?

    EDIT: I am always down to make new friends. I'm really surprised at the responses here. There are a lot of introvert people here! Which is fine, but that's why my response is so different.

    Honestly, you could go and try to open up, or just stay quiet that week. If you depend on these ladies to talk about problems with and it bothers you this much if you can't, maybe you should look into a therapist?
    As a fellow introvert, I totally understand where she's coming from. It's not that she uses her friends as a free therapy session, but just basic girl talk would be limited. If someone I didn't feel extremely comfortable with was around, I wouldn't engage in conversation on certain topics and would generally be more shy overall. So having Becky around, because OP is introverted, changes the dynamic and would make OP much more of a wallflower than an active participant, which isn't all that fun and makes one feel awkward.  
    Then OP can invite her 3 BFFs over to her house another time, saying she is really looking forward to some time with them to catch up on personal stuff or whatever.
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    So Becky is not a stranger, is your friend, but you still don't want her to come? I don't understand I guess. You can't help how you feel though.
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  • raissyraisraissyrais member
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    allisoneliz said:
    raissyrais said:
    I understand where you're coming from OP but maybe poor Becky wants to have friends too? I'm only trying to put myself in her place. 


    SIB



    Becky is one of our friends. I was at her baby shower last week. They get invited to our parties, we get invited to their parties.  So, just like @huskypuppy14 said, she's not a stranger! Do you just not like her inherently or you don't want an addition to your group?
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  • jdluvr06jdluvr06 member
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    I'm not an introvert but I know enough of them to understand where you are coming from. If you are that uncomfortable then don't go. Just wait and go next week when you are more comfortable.
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  • jackannlujackannlu member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    lc07 said:
    jackannlu said:
    larrygaga said:
    This seems like a really silly thing to be upset over, but don't go if you don't want to. Not going just sounds passive aggressive to me. It's okay if one week is "ruined" since you have it every week, isn't it?

    EDIT: I am always down to make new friends. I'm really surprised at the responses here. There are a lot of introvert people here! Which is fine, but that's why my response is so different.

    Honestly, you could go and try to open up, or just stay quiet that week. If you depend on these ladies to talk about problems with and it bothers you this much if you can't, maybe you should look into a therapist?
    As a fellow introvert, I totally understand where she's coming from. It's not that she uses her friends as a free therapy session, but just basic girl talk would be limited. If someone I didn't feel extremely comfortable with was around, I wouldn't engage in conversation on certain topics and would generally be more shy overall. So having Becky around, because OP is introverted, changes the dynamic and would make OP much more of a wallflower than an active participant, which isn't all that fun and makes one feel awkward.  
    Then OP can invite her 3 BFFs over to her house another time, saying she is really looking forward to some time with them to catch up on personal stuff or whatever.
    I totally agree. I'm not saying she shouldn't go, or can't see her friends another time, I'm just explaining that the way OP is feeling doesn't necessarily mean she needs therapy. 
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