FMIL thinks I am a gold digger

Re: FMIL thinks I am a gold digger

• Sugargirl1019 member

  

  September 2014

  Oh my goosssshhhhhhh I'm so sorry. She needs to mind her own business!

        
  

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• falsara member

  

  September 2014

  That's absolutely horrible. Just because she lives off of other people's earnings doesn't mean that she can assume that everyone does.
  
  HUGS

                                             

  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• NYCMercedes member

  

  September 2014

  She's a judgmental bitch. She's putting herself into a situation where she's going to be cut out of your lives.

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• larrygaga member

  

  September 2014

  NYCMercedes said:

  She's a judgmental bitch. She's putting herself into a situation where she's going to be cut out of your lives.

  Honestly, the only reason she's not blocked on our phones is because she is at the hospital with FI's nephew who has been sick for awhile now. She's keeping us updated. The second he's better I'm blocking her and I will only have to see her at family functions, where I can hang out with my wonderful FSILs and FFIL

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• CMGragain member

  

  September 2014 edited September 2014

  larrygaga said:

  She thinks I am only in this relationship for FI's money and that I just want him to pay for this "glamorous" wedding and all of my schooling and my car. What. I have so many things to say. 

  
  

  Okay, so many of you might remember that I have been with FI since I was 12. So clearly I knew what I was doing when I was 12 dating someone for their money. I need my own reality show. A few years ago, FI was unemployed for over a year and guess who supported him the entire time?? Me, the gold digger.

  
  

  Also, he doesn't even make that much, there's just this little thing called a single bedroom apartment and no kids that we have that works wonders on our bills!!! He does make more money than me, however, so he bought my car so I wouldn't have to take a loan out for it. I am slowly paying him back for it, because I insist on paying for my own things. We also have the same sort of plan for school, but he supports my goals and he also views my education as an investment.

  
  

  Also, OF COURSE HE PAYS FOR MY CRAP. He's going to be my husband, we share money. FMIL doesn't work and lives off her husband, so really she needs to STFU.

  
  

  I work just as much as he does. I pay for my half of everything. Including our rather cheap wedding. Which is cheaper than the last child's wedding that FMIL actually paid for in full. 

  
  

  I'm not even sure how she found out, FI just must have had a regular child-parent conversation about fiances and probably thought she didn't mean any harm. I talk about my fiances with my parents because they are wiser than I and I value their opinions and advice. He is livid and this is just spiraling out of control. 

  
  

  For the record, FI and I have a very appropriate take on finances and we never fight about it. We both are respectful of each other, and wise about spending. I think she is mostly saying this because she's mad that she doesn't have control over the wedding. 

  
  

  Why is she such a bitch? I always said that I would take any and all of our parents to live with us instead of putting them in a home, no matter what. She is going straight to a home and not a good one, either. Her time is alllllmosttttt up. 

  Feel better?  Venting is good.
  I married a man from a wealthy and prominent family.  I was asked to sign a pre-nup, which my DH knew nothing about.  I signed.  We got married and moved 1100 miles away from them.  We never asked them for money.
  Fast forward 38 years.  MIL died 25 years ago, and FIL remarried.  HE didn't get a pre-nup!  He ran through all their money, and the lawyers are currently fighting over what is left.  FIL is 88 years old, and has advanced Alzheimer's.
  Last year my mother died, and - surprise! - she left an estate of considerable size that nobody knew about.  The last thing she said to me was, "Well, there are four bank accounts."  WHAT??? 
  So now I was able to pay off our mortgage, start a college fund for the grandchildren, and buy a few toys.  (Hot tub and new TV)  Who knew that DH was marrying an heiress?
  Last time I was in Des Moines, we passed the cemetery, and I looked over to where DH's mother is buried, and I said "He didn't do so bad, did he?"  DH's stepmother laughed so loud I thought she was going to wet her pants.
  
  My advice to you is to bite your tongue and be civil to your FMIL.  She will be the grandmother of your future children someday.  When I presented my MIL with her perfect granddaughter, the clouds vanished, and I became the perfect daughter-in-law.  She adored my daughter, and I was able to forgive her craziness.  (I never forgot it, though!)  It was worth it for me to keep quiet for those years.  MIL was a piece of work!
  

  

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• wandajune6 member

  

  September 2014

  Neither of my parents grew up with money. My dad grew up dirt poor in the south and my mom grew up working poor in the Midwest. The difference was that my maternal grandfather remembers growing up with money (German Jews, lost everything in the war) and thought that this legacy made them better.
  
  On their wedding day, my grandfather made a big production of reminding my mom- in front of my dad- that it wasn't too late for her to stop the wedding and find a rich guy to marry.
  
  My grampa is 94 and still thinks my mom could have done better. And now, he doesn't just have a SIL who can't stand him- my mom stopped trying to forgive his words and now pretty much only speaks to him out of obligation. He's a lonely old man who wonders why his family doesn't visit him regularly.
  
  Years ago, when I was having relationship issues with an ex, my mom explained that a successful marriage requires seeing each other as equals. Financially, there were times where one made more than the other but they still always see each other as equals.
  
  My parents just had their 40th anniversary. They live in a paid off house, paid for 2 kids to go to college, helped the kids with downpayments on first homes (we were told wedding or house- we both chose houses), and were able to comfortably retire at 60. They are still clearly head-over-heels for each other.
  
  My long-winded response comes down to this: your relationship is about more than money. FMIL can choose to get over it or she'll eventually lose her son too.

  

  

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• LDay2014 member

  

  September 2014

  we have had the same conversation with my FMIL many many times.

  
  

  Now that we've renovated the house and are essentially broke (lol) I'm thinking of giving her this for Christmas since I obviously don't need it anymore

  
  

  
  

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• larrygaga member

  

  September 2014 edited September 2014

  She's lost the relationship from me and is working pretty hard at losing a relationship with him. After all these years this is what she thinks of me? It's like a slap. I thought it was bad when she called me a whore when I was 14
  
  I must be the worst gold digger ever. If I were digging for gold I would have walked right past FI.

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 member

  

  September 2014

  Some MILs aren't happy unless they are hating on someone or something.  It's a sign of a deeper struggle within themselves and an insecurity inside them as a person.  Maybe she is threatened by you because you are making your own money and she relies on her husband too much.  Maybe she's jealous of your independance.  Maybe she just hates where she is in her life right now.

  
  

  My FMIL is the queen of projection.  Her desire for control is based off a deep rooted insecurity of never being good enough (her brother was the favorite) combined with narcissism and a touch of an inferiority complex.  It's downright nasty at times, but I realize that her criticisms are not about me, they are about how she feels about herself.   

  
  

  You shall rise above.  Words that are heard can never be unheard and are remembered so pick your words carefully.  It makes you the better person.

  

  
  

  
  

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• princessofgenovia member

  

  September 2014

  I grew up very poor. I remember going "can picking" on the weekends with my grandma and grandpa, we'd go around and find soda cans people had just trashed and take them to be recycled for extra money. I'm the first in my family to graduate high school and go to college. 

  
  

  FI grew up upper middle class. Both his moms are college educated (as are their parents), he's never had to go without really. Thankfully his moms are fans of hard work so he wasn't handed everything, but he never thought there wouldn't be food in the fridge or worried the electricty might get shut off. 

  
  

  FI and I have talked extensively about our different backgrounds and how they've molded and shaped up. Lucky my FMILs are very kind and have never said one bad thing about him marrying a girl from the wrong side of the tracks. But his grandma made a comment about how my mom must be proud I hooked a man who could take care of me properly (this was prior to us being engaged), I responded that my mother was more impressed I was about to finish my masters then with who I was or was not dating.

  
  

  There have been a few gold digger comments from people, I just roll my eyes and think fuck you and the horse you rode in on (as my grandpa would say). 

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• HaileyDancingbear member

  

  September 2014 edited September 2014

  That's obnoxious.  From my experience, that kind of negative shitty talk/treatment is relatively unavoidable if you make even a cent less.  Ex. my mother owns her own business and has been keeping it up and running for 6 years, funding a huge portion of living expenses for her family (Dad covers that and oil/electricity etc. but never groceries or clothes for the kids etc.) while also paying me enough to manage the business to live on my own.  Her career is not taken seriously because she's a woman who makes less than her husband.  People talk about it like it's a fucking hobby.
  
  I've even gotten stupid fucking comments like that and FI DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A JOB.  He's a full time student living on campus. I work pretty much 7 days a week with a day off here or there, but I've had 2-3 weeks in a row with no time off.  I paid our entire rent for a 2 bedroom apartment, and utilities, and food for months (I still do, but our good friend recently moved into the spare bedroom and is chipping in for rent because a huge amount of shitiness happened to her.  So now I have some help, but not from FI) But FI is getting a degree and I'm not.  He will eventually make more than me, so clearly my life goals are to mooch off him forever and I'm never doing anything in my life.  To clarify, I'm fine with funding FI.  Just not fine with the fucking attitude I get for no reason. 
  
  You're a woman.  You're not a horrible bitch monster who makes more because she loves her career more than anything else (But you're still selfish and horrible for not having kids) so clearly you're just a lazy mooch who doesn't make as much so you clearly don't do anything and think about buying shoes with your FI's money all day.  No penis means you can't win.  So just ignore the shit out of the comments, because they are stupid, they are inevitable, they have nothing to do with how you live (Because people will always find a reason to bitch), so live your life, enjoy the people who are positive and respect you, don't bother with anyone else.
  

  

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• larrygaga member

  

  September 2014

  You guys keep me sane.

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• Jells2dot0 mod

  

  September 2014 edited September 2014

  I experienced the opposite with my x-MIL. She was pissed that her son was not as successful as me, so she constantly made comments about how I lived, what I bought, etc. It was maddening. You'd think someone would be grateful that her son met someone with ambition and a solid financial background. Obviously, I didn't stick around for that shit show!
  
  Now with my DH, it's the opposite. A lot of people who don't know us well think I'm in it for his money. They think that because of our obvious age difference, not anything factual. When people find out that I buy our cars, I pay for our vacations, and I'll be paying our mortgage on our second home, it sinks them back to reality
  
  People just need to mind their GD business.

   

  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

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• Aray82 member

  

  September 2014

  First, your post title made me start singing the Kanye song Also, what the what?? My parents both had good careers but they fluctuated like all jobs do, and sometimes one would be supporting the family while the other was laid off, and the vice versa...how does she not get that that's how partnership works? Sometimes moms can get that "my little boy is growing up" feeling and it can manifest in very ugly ways. Also, since you were 12? How adorbs is that?!

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  September 2014

  You should enter your reception to Kanye's Golddigger. Then look straight at your FMIL and wink at her!

  

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• theartistformerlyknownas member

  

  September 2014

  Just start reading FMIL as "fucking mother in law" in your head. You'll feel much better.

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• steph861 member

  

  September 2014 edited September 2014

  Your FMIL sounds like a lovely person. FFIL is so lucky!
  
  Some moms don't think anybody is good enough for their baby boys and find something to criticize in every person their sons are with. I know at least one mom like that. I don't know how it's possible to go through life being so intentionally unhappy.

  
  
  
  
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  September 2014

  What I'm gathering from this is that even if she is currently directing her ire towards you, this is absolutely in no way about you. She's mad, she's bitter, she doesn't have control, and her barbs are coming your way just because she needs to focus her energy to feel righteous. She's flinging personal insults at you, but it's not actually personal, if that makes sense.
  
  I mean, look at what she calls you; she has no merit behind any of it, she's grasping at straws and just throwing shit out there, hoping it will cling. "Ooooh, it sounds scandalous, so I'll just use that! " Her insults have as much meaning as a little kid calling another little kid a stinky butt face.
  
  You don't have to justify how she's wrong, because she's just throwing a fit. If anything, she might be projecting. Don't give in to her steam, just shut the door on her and keep doing your thing.
  

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• levioosa member

  

  September 2014 edited September 2014

  My Dad's Mom is BSC, but she constantly said that my Mom was only marrying my Dad for the sex and money.  My Mom likes to joke that she still hasn't seen any of the money.

  
  

  It's been my Mom's education and career that have supported our family through most of their marriage.  Funny how that worked out.  

  
  

  As long as FI is behind you 100% and defends you, that is what matters.  BSC MILs will be BSC.  My Dad didn't stand up for my Mom and always told her she was imagining slights.  30 years of marriage later and he's just begun to see how crazy and mean his mom is.  It really hurt their marriage and he doesn't know what to do about it.  My grandmother destroyed my Aunt's marriage.  

  
  

  Don't give in to her.  Look forward to life with FI.  

  
  

  ETF: words

  
  

  
  

  

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• JCbride2015 member

  

  September 2014

  Just sending hugs.  You are dealing with this with such class, seriously.  I'm so sorry you guys have to put up with her shit.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  
  

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• sophhabobopha member

  

  September 2014

  larrygaga said:

  She's lost the relationship from me and is working pretty hard at losing a relationship with him. After all these years this is what she thinks of me? It's like a slap. I thought it was bad when she called me a whore when I was 14 I must be the worst gold digger ever. If I were digging for gold I would have walked right past FI.

  
  

  

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• beethery member

  

  September 2014 edited September 2014

  larrygaga said:

  She's lost the relationship from me and is working pretty hard at losing a relationship with him. After all these years this is what she thinks of me? It's like a slap. I thought it was bad when she called me a whore when I was 14 I must be the worst gold digger ever. If I were digging for gold I would have walked right past FI.

  This bitch is fucking loony.

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  I'm the fuck out.

  
  

  
  

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• Chipmunk415 member

  

  September 2014

  wooowww......Evil Chipmunky wants to show up at your FMIL's door dressed in the sluttiest outfit possible, and say "larrygaga sent me to help clarify the difference between a golddigging whore and the wonderful woman your son is going to marry, so STFU, sit down, and listen."

  
  

  I've realized that my own SMIL is intimidated/threatened by me, and to a lesser extent, my mother my half sister, and my SIL. 

  
  

  SMIL is a gal from a very very poor, small town in the butthole of bumf*ck no where. She got out by going into the Navy (good for her, I've plenty of relatives and ancestors who are/were military, including my Dad, and applaud the service). Fast forward a dozen or so years, she's out of the Navy, and she meets FIL. They later marry, and he encourages her to get her Associates degree. She does, and eventually finds work she enjoys in animal control. 

  
  

  She can be a nice person, fun to be around in small doses, but she is very, very self centered, very much "I'm the best thing ever," etc, and when it comes to activities/conversations that require logic and thinking, she gets very annoyed very quickly that she is unable to be the center of any and all conversations. The woman would not open a novel or a newspaper to save her life, so there's a certain level of deliberate ignorance going on there.  She's also put on a good 100 extra pounds since marrying FIL.

  
  

  Enter me. Now I'm no skinny minnie, and I admit it. I am trying to improve my diet and exercise habits, and it's starting to show progress. But that's not what intimidates her about me.  What does it is the fact that I'm almost 20 years younger than her, with significantly more education, able to carry a quality conversation, and my starting earning potential now is 20k higher than her current max earnings. 

  
  

  I do not make any effort to shove anything like this in her face, believe me. In fact, I make a point to inquire about her interests (animal care, Twilight, etc). Doesn't matter, I'm a threat, and the occasion where FIL said I was the smartest person at the dinner table didn't help.

  
  

  Enter my mom. Mom came from a similar town as SMIL. However, Mom put herself thru nursing school in the late 60s early 70s, (back when you didn't have to go through a formal university degree program) later ran an ICU while going for her BSN at night, looks great for her age, is very pleasant to be around, can talk about current events, and is now comfortably retired with my Dad. SMIL sees what she feels should be her lifestyle, but instead its my mom.

  
  

  This would have been enough, if it weren't for our wedding. You see, my sister, my beautiful, skinny, smart doctor sister came with my adorably beautiful blonde haired blue eyed smart nieces. (This isn't bragging. Those kids are too smart for their own good, I swear). SMIL is confronted with the fact that I have a sister like this, who happens to be the same age as SMIL.  Additionally, my brother and his wife attend. My SIL is a total sweetie, very bubbly personality, very nice, with legs to Canada. Gorgeous girl.  Our wedding goes off beautifully, refined, and classy.

  
  

  SMIL is confronted at our wedding by the fact that while she likes to put on airs and make herself appear to be very very important/special/smart/wealthy, my family has a lot of women that are smart, attractive, financially stable people. She does not like this. At all.

  
  

  I'd say that this was all in my head and agree with you all that I'm being too harsh if it weren't for a few things:

  
  

  1) when dress shopping, mom and I invited SMIL to go with us. After shopping, she called my mom a b*tch to her face, and tried to laugh it off as a joke. It wasn't funny, mom was super hurt and offended, and SMIL acted embarrassed that DH and I mentioned it to FIL/called her out on it.

  
  

  2) In the lead up to our wedding, I heard a lot of snarky comments about how could we afford our wedding. My folks paid- it was none of her business how much stuff cost.

  
  

  3) After our wedding, I heard comments along the lines of "boy, your family is really lucky/your sister looks good for her age/your SIL has such a talent for walking around in super high heels (implying stripper, which she is not).

  
  

  Out of respect for my FIL, I have not knocked her teeth in. I bet if/when we start talking to SMIL/FIL again, SMIL will completely lose it when she discovers DH calls my mother "Mom"- he will not call her anything other than by her first name.

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