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What to say when someone wants to substitute.

hanjoyhanjoy member
First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
This has not happened to us yet but we have a family friend who has been known to do this in the past. How do you respond to someone who says.. "I can not come but my daughter will in my place" Does the usual "Unfortunately we could not invite everyone we wanted to invite...." still work in this situation. Also, she is totally the type of woman that would come back and say "It's not adding more numbers it's replacing myself" I want to have my response down so I don't get caught off gaurd. 
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Re: What to say when someone wants to substitute.

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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Tell that person, "There seems to be some confusion.  The invitation was only for you [and SO]. I'm sorry that you can't make it, but we can't accommodate [substitute guest]."

    If she says "It's not adding more numbers etc." then maybe you need to tell her directly, "Look, if I was okay with her attending, I would have invited her in the first place. You have exactly two options: accept or decline for yourself alone. It's up to the hosts, not you, who gets invited to their event."
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    LondonLisaLondonLisa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    You don't need to give a reason. That is just opening the door for negotiation. I agree with Jen, just say "There must be some confusion, the invitation was for you. Unfortunately, we cannot accommodate 'Susie'. We will miss you at the wedding, but I am looking forward to hopefully seeing you at Mum's Christmas party this year."

    Just repeat this. You don't have to give a reason, because she will always try to negotiate and explain them away. You cannot accommodate Susie because she was not invited. End of story.

    Just say no and change the subject.
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    JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Is this a situation where you invite Family Friend solo and she is passing off her invite in total to another person?  Or is the situation more like what scribe described - two people invited, one unable to attend?  I see them as two different scenarios.

    If it's the first, I'm with PPs - you do not need to give a reason why the invite is non-transferable or why you do not want Daughter to attend.  If it's the second, for me at least, it would depend on how much you wanted the other person(s) on the original invite to attend.  Since I had budgeted for X people anyway, and Daughter attending meant someone I really wanted to attend could come, I'd probably agree to Daughter's attendance.  I understand some people don't feeling comfortable attending or won't attend things solo, so I'd try to accommodate the request (within reason). 

    That's me though.  PPs are also correct that you just refuse the request, regardless of why it was made.  In this respect, it's your guest list and therefore your call. ("Your" being synonymous with anyone who had input on the list and this guest in particular.)
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    novella1186novella1186 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Jen4948 said:
    Tell that person, "There seems to be some confusion.  The invitation was only for you [and SO]. I'm sorry that you can't make it, but we can't accommodate [substitute guest]."

    If she says "It's not adding more numbers etc." then maybe you need to tell her directly, "Look, if I was okay with her attending, I would have invited her in the first place. You have exactly two options: accept or decline for yourself alone. It's up to the hosts, not you, who gets invited to their event."
    This. That's like being offered a job and then telling the employer "Oh I can't take the job but my random friend from college will take it instead." Um no. People are not interchangeable. 
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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Guests substituting is really rude. But personally, I would probably just roll my eyes, judge their lack of good etiquette and let it go since I'd already budgeted for 2 people. 

    But if, for any reason at all, you don't want the substitute to attend, you are fully within your right and good etiquette to say: "I apologize for any confusion but the invitation was for you and your SO. Unfortunately we cannot accommodate anyone else." If they push back because numbers/etc., wash and repeat as necessary. If you are feeling too pressured, you can be more direct about it. You can be graciously direct without saying "take it or leave it". 
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I'm sorry, but this is an invitation, not a ticket to a show.  I invited you, not Susie.  I'm sorry you won't be able to make it.  We should catch up sometime after the wedding.
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    lc07lc07 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    hanjoy said:
    This has not happened to us yet but we have a family friend who has been known to do this in the past. How do you respond to someone who says.. "I can not come but my daughter will in my place" Does the usual "Unfortunately we could not invite everyone we wanted to invite...." still work in this situation. Also, she is totally the type of woman that would come back and say "It's not adding more numbers it's replacing myself" I want to have my response down so I don't get caught off gaurd. 

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