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Wedding Party

Bridesmaid question... Sad situation. I desperately need some advice...

edited October 2014 in Wedding Party
When I got engaged last year I asked 3 girls to be in my wedding party. My fiance also asked 3 men for his party. One of my bridesmaids, Lisa, passed away about one month after the engagement. I don't want to replace her. I plan on having a column at the front of the ceremony where her place would be, and my MOH will carry 2 bouquets, one for her, and will place that on the waist high column for her.
Recently, I've reconnected with an old best friend who is a tremendous help to me during all the planning. I want her to be in the wedding. She's doing so much for me, and I find myself running a lot of my ideas through her over my MOH. She recently had a wedding, so she knows what to look out for, what things she wishes would have been different, etc. We go back much further than my bridesmaid/MOH, with deeper veins.
Would it be wrong of me to add this friend? The sides would be 3/3. I feel that may read as though I'm replacing Lisa. Especially when it comes to the pictures of the wedding party.
I've asked my fiance to add someone else to his side, but there's really no one he wants to add. There's one guy he could ask, but he was the BM at a wedding we attended where my fiance was a GM, and the groom had to pay for this guy's hotel room & give him credit card points for him to show. Not exactly a good idea to tie him into our wedding now.

I know it's not unheard of to have more people on the bride's side than the groom's, but with one absent, it may not be the same idea.

Please give me some advice...

Re: Bridesmaid question... Sad situation. I desperately need some advice...

  • kgowett said:
    When I got engaged last year I asked 3 girls to be in my wedding party. My fiance also asked 3 men for his party. One of my bridesmaids, Lisa, passed away about one month after the engagement. I don't want to replace her. I plan on having a column at the front of the ceremony where her place would be, and my MOH will carry 2 bouquets, one for her, and will place that on the waist high column for her.
    Recently, I've reconnected with an old best friend who is a tremendous help to me during all the planning. I want her to be in the wedding. She's doing so much for me, and I find myself running a lot of my ideas through her over my MOH. She recently had a wedding, so she knows what to look out for, what things she wishes would have been different, etc. We go back much further than my bridesmaid/MOH, with deeper veins.
    Would it be wrong of me to add this friend? The sides would be 3/3. I feel that may read as though I'm replacing Lisa. Especially when it comes to the pictures of the wedding party.
    I've asked my fiance to add someone else to his side, but there's really no one he wants to add. There's one guy he could ask, but he was the BM at a wedding we attended where my fiance was a GM, and the groom had to pay for this guy's hotel room & give him credit card points for him to show. Not exactly a good idea to tie him into our wedding now.

    I know it's not unheard of to have more people on the bride's side than the groom's, but with one absent, it may not be the same idea.

    Please give me some advice...
    I think it's wrong to add somebody as a BM just because they're doing a lot of the wedding planning for you. Is this somebody you would call at 3 am to help you bury a body? I mean, you were able to imagine getting married without her by your side last year when you chose other people to be in your bridal party; what's changed besides her skills at tying ribbons on bubble wands?

    Also, sides don't have to be even, no matter what. And honestly, I think the column thing is kind of odd.
  • Thank you all, so much! These are very good ideas!

    I think I'm just stuck in that "traditional rules" mind set for sides being even. I need to get out of that!

    The reason I didn't ask the other girl in the beginning is because I already had my three people to match my fiance's. Again, "traditional rules" mind set.

    Sometimes things happen in life and you stop talking to people for one reason or another. Not that something horribly wrong happened between you and a friend, but your lives take you in different directions. Then something happens & there they are! And it's like there wasn't any time apart, you just pick up where you left off. The quantity of time spent together changed, but the quality of your relationship didn't.
  • I'm very sorry for the loss of your friend.

     

    It sounds like you really want to add the other friend. How long is it until your wedding? If it is too close, it will look like you B-listed your bridesmaids and that may be hurtful.

     

    I also would not recommend doing the column thing. It puts a lot of focus on the fact that your friend isn't there. Again, I am so sorry about that.

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  • I'm very sorry for the loss of your friend.

     

    It sounds like you really want to add the other friend. How long is it until your wedding? If it is too close, it will look like you B-listed your bridesmaids and that may be hurtful.

     

    I also would not recommend doing the column thing. It puts a lot of focus on the fact that your friend isn't there. Again, I am so sorry about that.


    I've already 86'd the column idea! I have some pretty good alternatives now that I'll be going through!
    And you make a very good point about adding her late.
    Maybe I should just leave it alone and get these additional thoughts out of my head.
  • kgowett said:

    I'm very sorry for the loss of your friend.

     

    It sounds like you really want to add the other friend. How long is it until your wedding? If it is too close, it will look like you B-listed your bridesmaids and that may be hurtful.

     

    I also would not recommend doing the column thing. It puts a lot of focus on the fact that your friend isn't there. Again, I am so sorry about that.


    I've already 86'd the column idea! I have some pretty good alternatives now that I'll be going through!
    And you make a very good point about adding her late.
    Maybe I should just leave it alone and get these additional thoughts out of my head.
    I completely understand the additional thoughts! The closer I get to my wedding, the more I have and am having to push aside. Everything will work out the way it is supposed to!
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  • I am so sorry for your loss.  I can't imagine what this must be like for you.

    In general I would suggest the following:

    - As you seem to have...forget about even sides, it doesn't matter (My H had 6 men and I had 4 women, nothing look weird and we still got married!)

    - If you really want this friend to be involved, ask her to do a reading.  If you really really want her to stand up with you, you can ask her to join as long as you aren't too close to the wedding. (enough time to get the dress, be involved in any activities she chooses to be involved in, etc).

    - Dont' put pressure on your current MOH to be more involved.  The only job/duty they have is to buy the dress and show up on time, sober and smile!

    - Don't make any obvious memorials to your friend.  Place her name in your program (if you having any) with the other bridesmaids.  Add something of hers that you carry, or add her bouqet to the escort card/guest book/whatever table.  Please don't add any pictures of her or "cute" poems.  Just placing the flowers will be enough for you and anyone else to honor her without being to in your face.

  • Memorials at a wedding are always tricky. If family of hers is there and they aren't aware of what you're doing it could be very upsetting for them.

    As for the other woman, I agree with PPs that if you want her involved have her do a reading or something like that.
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  • OP, I'm really sorry for the loss of your friend.

    PPs have given you great advice.

    Also, you are super cool. I was expecting a hissy fit since that's usually how these things go with new posters. *high five* I bet you are a great friend.


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