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Wedding Etiquette Forum

I know "(s)he who pays gets a say", but...

My mom is trying to B-list people. I mean, she is paying for the venue, the bar, and the food (basically the entire reception), so I'm really not sure what I can do.

Basically, the situation is this: Our minimum was 80 guests at $99/pp. After receiving all of the RSVPs, we will only have 75 people. The venue (which includes bar and food) will not allow for any upgrades to cover that $500. My mom is now insisting that she is going to invite some of her and FMIL's friends, less than 2 weeks out, so that she doesn't have to pay for anyone that isn't there. I don't have an extra $500, or I would offer to cover it.

I have tried explaining to her how rude this is, and how uncomfortable I am with the idea. Her response? "It's not rude. It happens all the time. There seceral of us who went to [her boss] daughter's wedding and were asked a week before for the same reason. We were not offended at all." I gave her the "just because people do it all the time/YOU, personally, were not offended doesn't make it not rude" spiel, to no avail. She said that people understand that weddings are expensive, blahblahblah, not rude. MOM. NO.

Guys, what do I do here? I mean, I know that this is her etiquette fuck up and not mine, but this is my wedding. It's going to reflect poorly on me. 

Re: I know "(s)he who pays gets a say", but...

  • I agree it will only reflect upon her. Her friends will be the ones who know she B-listed them and they'll be the ones who could potentially snark about it behind her back. If she tried to B-list any of you or your FI's friends or extended family I would definitely stage fuckin' Braveheart on that hill but if she's essentially allowing her tacky ass friends to crash... whatever.

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  • My mom is trying to B-list people. I mean, she is paying for the venue, the bar, and the food (basically the entire reception), so I'm really not sure what I can do.

    Basically, the situation is this: Our minimum was 80 guests at $99/pp. After receiving all of the RSVPs, we will only have 75 people. The venue (which includes bar and food) will not allow for any upgrades to cover that $500. My mom is now insisting that she is going to invite some of her and FMIL's friends, less than 2 weeks out, so that she doesn't have to pay for anyone that isn't there. I don't have an extra $500, or I would offer to cover it.

    I have tried explaining to her how rude this is, and how uncomfortable I am with the idea. Her response? "It's not rude. It happens all the time. There seceral of us who went to [her boss] daughter's wedding and were asked a week before for the same reason. We were not offended at all." I gave her the "just because people do it all the time/YOU, personally, were not offended doesn't make it not rude" spiel, to no avail. She said that people understand that weddings are expensive, blahblahblah, not rude. MOM. NO.

    Guys, what do I do here? I mean, I know that this is her etiquette fuck up and not mine, but this is my wedding. It's going to reflect poorly on me. 
    You spoke your peace, not much you can do. 

    I image she will verbally invite them, don't give her additional invites if they are in your procession, and will tell her friends "I've got 5 open seats that I need to fill, wanna come?" Because she sounds classy like that.

    This is not a hill I would be willing to die on. They are her friends and it will reflect on her, not you. You told her not to do it, move forward.
    I mean, I guess. 

    I hate that i'm letting this stress me out, but you're right. There is really nothing I can do. I kind of just want to cry, though. I am way too emotional lately, haha.
  • I agree it will only reflect upon her. Her friends will be the ones who know she B-listed them and they'll be the ones who could potentially snark about it behind her back. If she tried to B-list any of you or your FI's friends or extended family I would definitely stage fuckin' Braveheart on that hill but if she's essentially allowing her tacky ass friends to crash... whatever.
    This is a really good point. They aren't my people, so to speak, so whatever. I did tell her that I refuse to deal with the seating clusterfuck that this is going to cause (seating chart is done, as was super challenging because of family drama) - that's all her.
  • Just let it go.    Not much you can do.


     I'm not a fan of b-listing, but on some level I'm sure her friends would rather not see her paying for empty seats.  Not my cup to tea, but some people are okay with that.  Let's hope your mom's friends are ones who are okay.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I'm with @photokitty on this.  Is it ideal?  No.  I don't think it's a hill to die on, though. 

    Is your mom generally cool?  I hope you can trust her to be cool about this.  I was B-listed once and got a verbal invite to a coworker's wedding when they couldn't meet the minimums.  It wasn't etiquette approved per se, but it was open bar. 
  • I know it's wrong and all, but if it was my wedding, I probably would have let my brother invite a couple of friends last minute bc I'm cheap and would hate to pay for 5 seats in addition to the no-shows. They would have been happy to come and party and would never have guessed it was super rude of us :-p
    After I gave plus ones to all the truly single people, who hadn't received one, to try and gets butts in those seats of course.

    Like Lolo said, it's not your friends, family or even people you would have invited, so I wouldn't lose any sleep over it if she does it.

    I hate b-listing, but if the people were never on a list in the first place I see it as a tad less offensive.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • I'm with @photokitty on this.  Is it ideal?  No.  I don't think it's a hill to die on, though. 

    Is your mom generally cool?  I hope you can trust her to be cool about this.  I was B-listed once and got a verbal invite to a coworker's wedding when they couldn't meet the minimums.  It wasn't etiquette approved per se, but it was open bar. 
    Eh, not really. That's kind of what I'm worried about. Like, she will somehow try to put it on me. "Hey, friend! Ashley had 5 empty seats, and she would really like you to come (I assume it will be friends of hers that I know well-ish)!"

    But, like everyone said, what can I do? It's not as big of a deal as it feels like right now. I know it isn't.
  • You guys are right, as usual. This is a mom problem, not a me problem.

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  • I'm with @photokitty on this.  Is it ideal?  No.  I don't think it's a hill to die on, though. 

    Is your mom generally cool?  I hope you can trust her to be cool about this.  I was B-listed once and got a verbal invite to a coworker's wedding when they couldn't meet the minimums.  It wasn't etiquette approved per se, but it was open bar. 
    Eh, not really. That's kind of what I'm worried about. Like, she will somehow try to put it on me. "Hey, friend! Ashley had 5 empty seats, and she would really like you to come (I assume it will be friends of hers that I know well-ish)!"

    But, like everyone said, what can I do? It's not as big of a deal as it feels like right now. I know it isn't.
    Well, pooh.  I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. 
  • You shouldn't do anything.

    You've explained your feelings to your mom, but she is hosting the wedding, so it's on her. TBH, I know a few moms who have filled 'leftover' seats at their DDs and DSs weddings. The friends seemed to have an understanding within their groups that this was acceptable. I'm not saying it's right, but your mom knows her friends and they are free to decline the invitation if they want.

    Don't cry. It'll be ok.

                       
  • You shouldn't do anything.

    You've explained your feelings to your mom, but she is hosting the wedding, so it's on her. TBH, I know a few moms who have filled 'leftover' seats at their DDs and DSs weddings. The friends seemed to have an understanding within their groups that this was acceptable. I'm not saying it's right, but your mom knows her friends and they are free to decline the invitation if they want.

    Don't cry. It'll be ok.

    image

    But, for real. Thank you.
  • I agree it will only reflect upon her. Her friends will be the ones who know she B-listed them and they'll be the ones who could potentially snark about it behind her back. If she tried to B-list any of you or your FI's friends or extended family I would definitely stage fuckin' Braveheart on that hill but if she's essentially allowing her tacky ass friends to crash... whatever.
    This is exactly what I was gonna say (but without the Braveheart line, which is hilarious. Thanks for that, lolo) 

    HER friends are gonna be the ones judging, if they do judge. Who cares? What does it matter what her friends think of you? AND, I think they'll judge her and not you anyway cuz she's the one doing it, and she's basically the host. Her problem, not yours. 
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  • I know it's wrong and all, but if it was my wedding, I probably would have let my brother invite a couple of friends last minute bc I'm cheap and would hate to pay for 5 seats in addition to the no-shows. They would have been happy to come and party and would never have guessed it was super rude of us :-p
    After I gave plus ones to all the truly single people, who hadn't received one, to try and gets butts in those seats of course.

    Like Lolo said, it's not your friends, family or even people you would have invited, so I wouldn't lose any sleep over it if she does it.

    I hate b-listing, but if the people were never on a list in the first place I see it as a tad less offensive.
    OP - Have you thought about doing the bolded? Did you offer a plus one to any truly single guests that you hadn't offered before?  
  • I agree it will only reflect upon her. Her friends will be the ones who know she B-listed them and they'll be the ones who could potentially snark about it behind her back. If she tried to B-list any of you or your FI's friends or extended family I would definitely stage fuckin' Braveheart on that hill but if she's essentially allowing her tacky ass friends to crash... whatever.
    This is exactly what I was gonna say (but without the Braveheart line, which is hilarious. Thanks for that, lolo) 

    HER friends are gonna be the ones judging, if they do judge. Who cares? What does it matter what her friends think of you? AND, I think they'll judge her and not you anyway cuz she's the one doing it, and she's basically the host. Her problem, not yours. 
    image
  • I know it's wrong and all, but if it was my wedding, I probably would have let my brother invite a couple of friends last minute bc I'm cheap and would hate to pay for 5 seats in addition to the no-shows. They would have been happy to come and party and would never have guessed it was super rude of us :-p
    After I gave plus ones to all the truly single people, who hadn't received one, to try and gets butts in those seats of course.

    Like Lolo said, it's not your friends, family or even people you would have invited, so I wouldn't lose any sleep over it if she does it.

    I hate b-listing, but if the people were never on a list in the first place I see it as a tad less offensive.
    OP - Have you thought about doing the bolded? Did you offer a plus one to any truly single guests that you hadn't offered before?  
    Yep. Absolutely everyone who was single (except minors) was given a plus one from the start.
  • At the end of the day with something like this, I look to Han for inspiration.
    image
  • At the end of the day with something like this, I look to Han for inspiration.
    image
    Saving this gif forever. It is so versatile! 


  • At the end of the day with something like this, I look to Han for inspiration.
    image

    Saving this gif forever. It is so versatile! 

    It's my wedding gift to you!
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