No Registry Question (Wedding and Shower)

canadianhearts · September 2014

Hello! I have a quick question about registries.

First of all, just to be clear from the start: my FI and I don't EXPECT gifts from any guests. We are grateful they are taking the time to share in our special day with us. That is a given and this post isn't about how to get money vs. gifts or anything of that sort. It stems from the fact that FMIL has asked about our registry plan and I know that we will receive more questions regarding gifts down the road, so I wanted to check in here and see what people have done in this circumstance in order to be prepared and not break any etiquette rules.

My FI and I have been living together for a few years. We have already outfitted our condo to our liking and won't be moving into our first home for another couple of years. While there are some upgrades we could use, we view it as somewhat wasteful to register for things we already have that work just fine (upgrading the vacuum cleaner to a newer model, new cutlery, etc.) We are also short on storage space for things that would be given to us for our future home. Therefore, we were thinking about not having a registry for our wedding.

Is this bad etiquette to not provide the option of a registry? Does this send a message to guests that you're asking for money? This is not our intention. We wouldn't ever dream of doing a Honeyfund or asking for cash.

Also, what do you do regarding a bridal shower since it's more focused on gifts that the bride gets to open (and I have read that in that case it would be rude not to have that option for guests)? But, again, I would find it kind of rude to include wedding-registry items for a bridal shower if you're not having a wedding registry. What do people usually put on there? All the bridal showers I've been to either were or have looked exactly like the couple's wedding registry.

Thank you in advance for your advice.

jacques27 · September 2014

1. Don't have a shower. Don't need anything? Don't want anything? Then you just nicely decline all offers to throw you a shower. The sole purpose of a shower is the "shower the bride with gifts". No gifts = no shower.

2. Yes, some people will think you want cash instead of a registry gift if you don't register (even though you want nothing at all). But that isn't the same thing as registering for a honeyfund. You're not actually asking for cash.

The fact of the matter is, some people will give you cash no matter what. Some people will buy you a physical gift no matter what. You accept them all graciously and thank them promptly.

If you sincerely have no need for physical gifts at all, you don't register. If people ask, you simply say "Thank you for the kind thought, but FI and I truly have everything we need for our home." Your parents and wedding party can politely spread the message via word of mouth if anyone calls them to ask. And that's it. Most people want to give a gift though, so you're probably going to get cash. That's just the way it is.

joey2831 · September 2014

I'm in almost the same boat as you are except my FI just moved into my place, so we're trying to combine two condos into one. We have decided to not register for any gifts and will just let our guests decide on if they would like to give us anything.

If a guest chooses to bring you a gift, IMO, people will want to give you what you can use, in this case, it's cash. It's not rude to not register anywhere. As long as you don't put on your invitation, I want cash.

Guests will get the hint and if not, all of the boxed gifts received will be true surprises.

I have declined to have a shower since you are supposed to get boxed gifts and you cannot ask for money as a shower gift. Some people were not happy about this decision, but my Mom and BMs who asked to throw me one accepted my decision and are ok with it.

canadianhearts · September 2014

jacques27 said:

1. Don't have a shower. Don't need anything? Don't want anything? Then you just nicely decline all offers to throw you a shower. The sole purpose of a shower is the "shower the bride with gifts". No gifts = no shower.

2. Yes, some people will think you want cash instead of a registry gift if you don't register (even though you want nothing at all). But that isn't the same thing as registering for a honeyfund. You're not actually asking for cash.

The fact of the matter is, some people will give you cash no matter what. Some people will buy you a physical gift no matter what. You accept them all graciously and thank them promptly.

If you sincerely have no need for physical gifts at all, you don't register. If people ask, you simply say "Thank you for the kind thought, but FI and I truly have everything we need for our home." Your parents and wedding party can politely spread the message via word of mouth if anyone calls them to ask. And that's it. Most people want to give a gift though, so you're probably going to get cash. That's just the way it is.

Thanks, @jacques27!

1. Makes perfect sense.

2. Agreed. And in case it needs clarification, my post definitely is not meant to imply that we wouldn't be very appreciative of all/any gifts - physical or monetary.

Thank you again for taking the time to answer my question.

canadianhearts · September 2014

joey2831 said:

I'm in almost the same boat as you are except my FI just moved into my place, so we're trying to combine two condos into one. We have decided to not register for any gifts and will just let our guests decide on if they would like to give us anything.

If a guest chooses to bring you a gift, IMO, people will want to give you what you can use, in this case, it's cash. It's not rude to not register anywhere. As long as you don't put on your invitation, I want cash. Guests will get the hint and if not, all of the boxed gifts received will be true surprises.

I have declined to have a shower since you are supposed to get boxed gifts and you cannot ask for money as a shower gift. Some people were not happy about this decision, but my Mom and BMs who asked to throw me one accepted my decision and are ok with it.

Thank you, joey2831!

It sounds like we're in a very similar situation. I most definitely won't be asking for any money and you're right - any boxed gifts received will be a nice surprise.

It's great that your Mom and BMs are understanding in regard to the matter. Did you/will you be having an engagement party? We didn't have one, but it's a good non-gift giving alternative to celebrate with loved ones pre-wedding.

lreic · October 2014

You can set up an online registry and ask for experiences. Concert tickets, ballroom dancing lessons, whatever you are interested in.

MNVegas · October 2014

lreic said:

You can set up an online registry and ask for experiences. Concert tickets, ballroom dancing lessons, whatever you are interested in.

SITB:

Just be sure this "experience" registry is not a cash registry. Cash registries of any kind are inappropriate.

AprilH81 · October 2014

Not having a registry is perfectly fine, but if there ARE a few things you need (new towels, sheets, whatever) I would set up a small registery so those who do want to get you a physical gift knows what you would like.

canadianhearts · October 2014

Thanks for the advice, @lreic. My FMIL suggested we sign up for that type of registry for our honeymoon (people can "buy" you dinner on the beach, scuba diving trip, etc.), but I'm still thinking that feels a little cash-grabby as many of the experiences tend to be rather costly. It's somewhat different from Honeyfund and other cash registries, @MNVegas, because people can see exactly what they are getting you (it's a "tangible" experience). However, for me, there is a very thin line between an experience registry and a cash registry that I don't want to cross, so I figure it's better not to go there at all.

@AprilH81 - You're right. I'm starting to lean toward doing a very small registry of essential things so that people who do wish to give a gift don't feel pressured to give money.

Once again, thanks ladies! All of your suggestions have been very valuable.

headhurt · October 2014

I disagree with not having a shower. There's cake at the shower. Delicious cake. Screw the gifts, I want my cake dammit! (Okay, so I am little hormonal right now. And I want cake...)

Cake! Cake! Cake!

JCbride2015 · October 2014

If somebody offers to throw you a shower but you don't want/need gifts, you could also accept the party but ask that the host call it a "bridal tea" or "bridal luncheon" or something else without the word "shower" in it. Then it becomes a non-gift-giving event and you can still have the get together. That's all assuming somebody wants to host a party, of course!

You seem to have a great attitude about this. Forgoing a registry doesn't come across as cash-grabby at all IMO.

canadianhearts · October 2014

headhurt said:

I disagree with not having a shower. There's cake at the shower. Delicious cake. Screw the gifts, I want my cake dammit! (Okay, so I am little hormonal right now. And I want cake...)

Cake! Cake! Cake!

Haha! How about a "cake shower"? And my registry consists of: cake, cupcakes, and cakepops.

JCbride2015 said:

If somebody offers to throw you a shower but you don't want/need gifts, you could also accept the party but ask that the host call it a "bridal tea" or "bridal luncheon" or something else without the word "shower" in it. Then it becomes a non-gift-giving event and you can still have the get together. That's all assuming somebody wants to host a party, of course!

You seem to have a great attitude about this. Forgoing a registry doesn't come across as cash-grabby at all IMO.

My mom, aunt, FMIL, and bridal party have all expressed the desire to throw me a shower. After giving it some serious consideration and speaking with them about the registry issue, I can't help but feel very lucky about that. Gifts aside, it's nice to know that the ladies in my life still want to shower me with love above all else. I'm a huge fan of afternoon tea (and, yes, cake!), so they have offered to host a bridal luncheon as you suggested. Nothing gift-centered, but just a fun day with the important women in my life.

No Registry Question (Wedding and Shower)

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