Dad buying dress

mrstrevor3 · October 2014

When we told my dad and step mom that we were engaged my dad offered to buy my dress, and help with the flowers because " I can't just have baby's breath as a bouquet" says my dad. I am going dress shopping soon, but am struggling because my dad never told me a budget for the dress. I don't know how to ask him without sounding selfish. I am sooo greatful that he offered to do this and don't want to seem rude. Any ideas?

blabla89 · October 2014

Maybe it would be easier to discuss with your stepmom, since you mentioned in the other thread that she was going shopping with you. When you're making plans for the shopping trip, you could mention that it was so generous of dad to offer to pay for the dress, ask for her input on what stores to visit, and hope that she connects the dots and tells you a budget.

As for the flowers, you can probably wait a while to see if he tells you a budget, since it's not something that has to be finalized right away.

mrstrevor3 · October 2014

blabla89 said:

Maybe it would be easier to discuss with your stepmom, since you mentioned in the other thread that she was going shopping with you. When you're making plans for the shopping trip, you could mention that it was so generous of dad to offer to pay for the dress, ask for her input on what stores to visit, and hope that she connects the dots and tells you a budget.

As for the flowers, you can probably wait a while to see if he tells you a budget, since it's not something that has to be finalized right away.

Yeah that's what I was thinking of too. I made an appt. at David's Bridal so there are a range of prices. Really, I would not feel comfortable with anything more than $700, and there are plenty dresses for that or less. I just don't know what to say...

MairePoppy · October 2014

Since they offered to buy your dress, you should just ask them for a budget. Ask before you get to the bridal shop, not in front of the consultant. Hinting and hoping the other person will just give you a clue might lead to a misunderstanding.

ctr24 · October 2014

I think most times the bridal consultant will start the appointment off by asking your style and budget. Better to know the budget ahead of time than when she puts you on the spot in front of your stepmother.

amelisha · October 2014

If it were me, I'd call my dad and say "Dad, I love you and I am so grateful that you want to buy my dress for me! I know wedding dresses can get pretty expensive, though, so if you've got a budget in mind I certainly want to make sure I stay under it, or I cover part of it too so you don't feel obligated to take care of everything if alterations or whatever start to add up too. Did you have a ballpark number for me to keep in mind? This is so generous and I can't thank you enough."

CMGragain · October 2014

I would go visit them, sit down and watch SYTTD with them. This should send your Dad into shock! Then you can discuss budget. It worked with DH when we were paying for daughter's wedding.

AddieCake · October 2014

Just ask. That's what I had to do. My dad's response was that he had no idea how much these things cost and that I should tell him what a good budget for what I wanted was. So I threw out a number and he accepted it.

BrandNewJ · October 2014

My dad asked me to be reasonable, which is perfectly fine because I don't go crazy anyway. Maybe, like my dad, he doesn't know how much things cost and wants a little guidance from you, but you can never know unless you ask. Since he offered, it's no longer rude to ask for specifics. Who knows maybe you think 700$ is a good price, but actually he wants you in a 2k dress. You can ask him or step mom, but it is a good idea to do it before the appointment.

Jen4948 · October 2014

scribe95 said:

Just ask. I don't understand sometimes why such little stuff seems like a big deal on here. Do people not just talk to their parents?

Because not every parent is good at answering questions in a helpful way, especially about financial matters. Sometimes they want to take things over so totally that the bride and/or groom end up with no input whatsoever; sometimes they give so little a damn that they leave the bride and/or groom directionless; others have tendencies to follow up "whatever you want, dear, it's your wedding" with "why the f did you do X?" and make the bride and/or groom feel like they're on the defensive when they got no help at all.

Why do you think everyone has such a good relationship with their parents, or that parents are always good people to ask, or that they make it easy to ask them for help? For too many people, that's not the case. That's why they don't "just talk to their parents."

BrandNewJ · October 2014

Jen4948 said:

scribe95 said:

Just ask. I don't understand sometimes why such little stuff seems like a big deal on here. Do people not just talk to their parents?

Because not every parent is good at answering questions in a helpful way, especially about financial matters. Sometimes they want to take things over so totally that the bride and/or groom end up with no input whatsoever; sometimes they give so little a damn that they leave the bride and/or groom directionless; others have tendencies to follow up "whatever you want, dear, it's your wedding" with "why the f did you do X?" and make the bride and/or groom feel like they're on the defensive when they got no help at all.

Why do you think everyone has such a good relationship with their parents, or that parents are always good people to ask, or that they make it easy to ask them for help? For too many people, that's not the case. That's why they don't "just talk to their parents."

I gave that advice and I actually don't have a good relationship with both my parents. In this case though, he offered to pay. I mean, how can you know if that means "whatever you want, honey" or "it has to 3/4 sleeves, all lace, ivory dress" if you don't ask? If he offered, there is some kind of open communication, and asking questions have never hurt. ETA: in this case, parents are good to ask because it is their money and they will specifically have the answer.

Jen4948 · October 2014

BrandNewJ said:

Jen4948 said:

scribe95 said:

Just ask. I don't understand sometimes why such little stuff seems like a big deal on here. Do people not just talk to their parents?

Because not every parent is good at answering questions in a helpful way, especially about financial matters. Sometimes they want to take things over so totally that the bride and/or groom end up with no input whatsoever; sometimes they give so little a damn that they leave the bride and/or groom directionless; others have tendencies to follow up "whatever you want, dear, it's your wedding" with "why the f did you do X?" and make the bride and/or groom feel like they're on the defensive when they got no help at all.

Why do you think everyone has such a good relationship with their parents, or that parents are always good people to ask, or that they make it easy to ask them for help? For too many people, that's not the case. That's why they don't "just talk to their parents."

I gave that advice and I actually don't have a good relationship with both my parents. In this case though, he offered to pay. I mean, how can you know if that means "whatever you want, honey" or "it has to 3/4 sleeves, all lace, ivory dress" if you don't ask? If he offered, there is some kind of open communication, and asking questions have never hurt. ETA: in this case, parents are good to ask because it is their money and they will specifically have the answer.

Oh, I don't disagree that when parents do offer their money, it makes sense to ask. But @scribe95 said "I don't get why people don't just ask their parents" and the answers I gave are some of the reasons why I think people don't just ask their parents. They know from experience that even when their parents offer to pay, they don't provide useful answers or don't make it easy to work with them. Sadly, that's all too frequently the case.

BrandNewJ · October 2014

Jen4948 said:

BrandNewJ said:

Jen4948 said:

scribe95 said:

Just ask. I don't understand sometimes why such little stuff seems like a big deal on here. Do people not just talk to their parents?

Because not every parent is good at answering questions in a helpful way, especially about financial matters. Sometimes they want to take things over so totally that the bride and/or groom end up with no input whatsoever; sometimes they give so little a damn that they leave the bride and/or groom directionless; others have tendencies to follow up "whatever you want, dear, it's your wedding" with "why the f did you do X?" and make the bride and/or groom feel like they're on the defensive when they got no help at all.

Why do you think everyone has such a good relationship with their parents, or that parents are always good people to ask, or that they make it easy to ask them for help? For too many people, that's not the case. That's why they don't "just talk to their parents."

I gave that advice and I actually don't have a good relationship with both my parents. In this case though, he offered to pay. I mean, how can you know if that means "whatever you want, honey" or "it has to 3/4 sleeves, all lace, ivory dress" if you don't ask? If he offered, there is some kind of open communication, and asking questions have never hurt. ETA: in this case, parents are good to ask because it is their money and they will specifically have the answer.

Oh, I don't disagree that when parents do offer their money, it makes sense to ask. But @scribe95 said "I don't get why people don't just ask their parents" and the answers I gave are some of the reasons why I think people don't just ask their parents. They know from experience that even when their parents offer to pay, they don't provide useful answers or don't make it easy to work with them. Sadly, that's all too frequently the case.

Too true. Fair enough!

mrstrevor3 · October 2014

Jen4948 said:

BrandNewJ said:

Jen4948 said:

scribe95 said:

Just ask. I don't understand sometimes why such little stuff seems like a big deal on here. Do people not just talk to their parents?

Because not every parent is good at answering questions in a helpful way, especially about financial matters. Sometimes they want to take things over so totally that the bride and/or groom end up with no input whatsoever; sometimes they give so little a damn that they leave the bride and/or groom directionless; others have tendencies to follow up "whatever you want, dear, it's your wedding" with "why the f did you do X?" and make the bride and/or groom feel like they're on the defensive when they got no help at all.

Why do you think everyone has such a good relationship with their parents, or that parents are always good people to ask, or that they make it easy to ask them for help? For too many people, that's not the case. That's why they don't "just talk to their parents."

I gave that advice and I actually don't have a good relationship with both my parents. In this case though, he offered to pay. I mean, how can you know if that means "whatever you want, honey" or "it has to 3/4 sleeves, all lace, ivory dress" if you don't ask? If he offered, there is some kind of open communication, and asking questions have never hurt. ETA: in this case, parents are good to ask because it is their money and they will specifically have the answer.

Oh, I don't disagree that when parents do offer their money, it makes sense to ask. But @scribe95 said "I don't get why people don't just ask their parents" and the answers I gave are some of the reasons why I think people don't just ask their parents. They know from experience that even when their parents offer to pay, they don't provide useful answers or don't make it easy to work with them. Sadly, that's all too frequently the case.

SITB

I was just looking for a way to ask him or bring it up without sounding like I'm just trying to take money. We have a great relationship, I just feel a little weird asking about money, even though he offered to pay for it.

BrandNewJ · October 2014

I would say to my dad, "hey dad! Thank you so much for offering to get my dress! I've been doing some research and found the price range to be 50$ to 50k$. I was wondering if you could give me an idea of how much you were thinking so I can narrow down my search?". You're definitely not trying to take it, he offered it to you! You say you have a great relationship, he might even want to talk to y about different ideas you have! Approach him as your dad, not as an ATM and you'll be fine

Jen4948 · October 2014

BrandNewJ said:

I would say to my dad, "hey dad! Thank you so much for offering to get my dress! I've been doing some research and found the price range to be 50$ to 50k$. I was wondering if you could give me an idea of how much you were thinking so I can narrow down my search?". You're definitely not trying to take it, he offered it to you! You say you have a great relationship, he might even want to talk to y about different ideas you have! Approach him as your dad, not as an ATM and you'll be fine

This sounds like a good way to go about it.

anjemon · October 2014

I agree with PP that just asking is best. I totally understand wanting the correct wording, I also hate seeming like I'm demanding or trying to remind them they offered to give me money. But edging around it might just make it too vague for you and a little awkward. I think the PP who said to mention how happy and thankful you are about them having offered and wanting to stay within their price range is the best way to word it.

Dad buying dress

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