Etiquette

Intimate Wedding

So a friend of mine has decided that she only wants her parents, siblings, and grandparents at her wedding due to money and timing issues. (I didn't ask for details.)

She asked me if it was rude for her Mom and sister to host a bridal shower for her since there are only going to be 20 people invited to the wedding. 

At first, I wanted to tell her YES point blank because for large weddings if they are not invited to the wedding, then you don't invite them to the bridal shower! But I wasn't 100% sure if that etiquette remained true for all wedding types.

Should I go ahead and tell her yes it's rude, or no it's okay only because the wedding is so small?
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Re: Intimate Wedding

  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    So a friend of mine has decided that she only wants her parents, siblings, and grandparents at her wedding due to money and timing issues. (I didn't ask for details.)

    She asked me if it was rude for her Mom and sister to host a bridal shower for her since there are only going to be 20 people invited to the wedding. 

    At first, I wanted to tell her YES point blank because for large weddings if they are not invited to the wedding, then you don't invite them to the bridal shower! But I wasn't 100% sure if that etiquette remained true for all wedding types.

    Should I go ahead and tell her yes it's rude, or no it's okay only because the wedding is so small?
    If the guests of the shower are invited to the wedding, it's okay. I hear mixed reviews on whether it's appropriate for a mom to host the shower.
  • I would go to the bridal shower with a smile, but TBH, I'd be a bit disappointed that I'm close enough for a shower, but not the intimate wedding.
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  • I'm old school on this.  I wouldn't host a shower for my own daughter.  This is one of those rules that seems to be changing.
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    holyguacamole79Wegl13LondonLisa
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
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    CMGragain said:
    I'm old school on this.  I wouldn't host a shower for my own daughter.  This is one of those rules that seems to be changing.

    I'm actually old-school on this, too. @CMGragain‌, OT, what is the traditional etiquette regarding the mother of the mother-to-be hosting a baby shower for her daughter?
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    So a friend of mine has decided that she only wants her parents, siblings, and grandparents at her wedding due to money and timing issues. (I didn't ask for details.)

    She asked me if it was rude for her Mom and sister to host a bridal shower for her since there are only going to be 20 people invited to the wedding. 

    At first, I wanted to tell her YES point blank because for large weddings if they are not invited to the wedding, then you don't invite them to the bridal shower! But I wasn't 100% sure if that etiquette remained true for all wedding types.

    Should I go ahead and tell her yes it's rude, or no it's okay only because the wedding is so small?
    It doesn't matter how big or small the wedding is.  Nobody can be invited to pre-wedding events (bachelorette party, shower, engagement party) unless they are invited to the wedding itself.



    [Deleted User]Blue_BirdPrettyGirlLost
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    CMGragain said:
    I'm old school on this.  I wouldn't host a shower for my own daughter.  This is one of those rules that seems to be changing.

    I'm actually old-school on this, too. @CMGragain‌, OT, what is the traditional etiquette regarding the mother of the mother-to-be hosting a baby shower for her daughter?
    I think we would both agree that the biggest E breach would be inviting people to the shower who are not invited to the wedding, though, right?
    CMGragain[Deleted User]
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited October 2014

    CMGragain said:
    I'm old school on this.  I wouldn't host a shower for my own daughter.  This is one of those rules that seems to be changing.

    I'm actually old-school on this, too. @CMGragain‌, OT, what is the traditional etiquette regarding the mother of the mother-to-be hosting a baby shower for her daughter?
    It isn't any different from the MOB hosting a wedding shower for her own daughter.  Too gift grabby for me. 
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    holyguacamole79
  • kaitlynmichellekaitlynmichelle British Columbia member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    She shouldn't have a shower. I didn't have one as we had 12 guests and if I had one, all the guests should have been invited to the wedding.

    We gave up a lot of traditional things like a shower to have just out immediate family at our wedding. I felt it would have been very rude to have a shower when I wasn't going to invite most of the guests to the wedding.
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  • I had a 30 person, family only (except MOH & BM) wedding and my aunt threw me a shower to which a few female family members asked to be invited (great aunt, one counsin etc) and they came and it was lovely. I wouldn't have gone out of my way to have my aunt invite them, but since they heard about it and wanted to attend, I wasn't going to block them at the door.
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  • Everyone invited to the shower should also be invited to the wedding. I just had this discussion with my mom last night when she thought I had invited others. She looks aghast at the idea lol. For the record I hadn't.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I had a 30 person, family only (except MOH & BM) wedding and my aunt threw me a shower to which a few female family members asked to be invited (great aunt, one counsin etc) and they came and it was lovely. I wouldn't have gone out of my way to have my aunt invite them, but since they heard about it and wanted to attend, I wasn't going to block them at the door.

    It's being "lovely" is canceled out by the breach of etiquette.  I'm sure it wasn't lovely to those who weren't invited to the wedding to learn this after they attended the shower-or to be invited to the shower knowing they weren't being invited to the wedding.  They may not have told you this, but that could well be what they experienced.  Your personal experience doesn't make this acceptable for other brides.
    MGPPrettyGirlLost
  • JennyColadaJennyColada Awesometown, CA member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    I am having an intimate wedding and declined a shower because I found it distasteful to accept gifts from people not invited to my wedding.
    LDay2014KaurisPrettyGirlLost
  • I am having an intimate wedding and declined a shower because I found it distasteful to accept gifts from people not invited to my wedding.

    Me too. No shower.
    I've had a few people give FI and I gifts though, and they'll receive thank you notes all the same but I told everyone NO SHOWER.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • larrygagalarrygaga Czechoslovakia member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Is it impossible to have a shower of like 5 people?

    SPEAKING of which, I recently went to one that was about 100 people. It was awful. The bride just said what she got from each person over a mic for the entire time. It was so impersonal. I also did not get a thank you note.

    Teenagers, right?
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    Kaurisbeethery
  • JennyColadaJennyColada Awesometown, CA member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    LDay2014 said:

    I am having an intimate wedding and declined a shower because I found it distasteful to accept gifts from people not invited to my wedding.

    Me too. No shower.
    I've had a few people give FI and I gifts though, and they'll receive thank you notes all the same but I told everyone NO SHOWER.
    Yes yes!

    We are not registered either. Honestly, I 100% want cards. I don't even want cash. I'd MUCH rather get a nice heartfelt card than anything else anyway!
  • On the other hand, there are people who would like to give a gift to the bride who know they aren't invited to a small, family only ceremony. This rule seems a bit outdated and hard on the invited guests.
    Happiness is an inside job
  • tammym1001tammym1001 Akron, Ohio member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    I had a very small wedding. It was 35 people total which was essentially immediate family. I still had a shower. Just because you have a small wedding doesn't mean you can't have a shower. My shower only had 10 guests though and they were all invited to the wedding.

    I had a few aunts that wanted to come to the shower and I said no. I wouldn't have felt right taking gifts from them and sitting there talking about an upcoming wedding that they knew they weren't invited to.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    larrygaga said:
    Is it impossible to have a shower of like 5 people?

    SPEAKING of which, I recently went to one that was about 100 people. It was awful. The bride just said what she got from each person over a mic for the entire time. It was so impersonal. I also did not get a thank you note.

    Teenagers, right?
    Not at all.  There were about 10 people at my family shower, and it was perfect.  I don't see why people think you need to have a huge group to have a shower.  It's more fun when you can spend more time with your tight group.
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Ndelible said:
    On the other hand, there are people who would like to give a gift to the bride who know they aren't invited to a small, family only ceremony. This rule seems a bit outdated and hard on the invited guests.
    I don't follow your logic.



  • Viczaesar said:
    Ndelible said:
    On the other hand, there are people who would like to give a gift to the bride who know they aren't invited to a small, family only ceremony. This rule seems a bit outdated and hard on the invited guests.
    I don't follow your logic.
    I am not one who feels I must be invited to a wedding in order to give a gift (wedding or shower).  Weddings are expensive, so I almost always assume that the couple has to limit their guest list,.  I guess I just don't see everyone as gift grabby.  Some folks just want to celebrate.
    Happiness is an inside job
  • indianaalumindianaalum member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited October 2014
    On a related note, I had the following situation occur twice and kinda felt it was rude. What do others think? Two people I know did not invite me to their wedding, but then invited me to their BABY shower a few months later. So I wasn't "close enough" to you be invited to your wedding, but when you are NOT paying for the event yourself, you feel I am close enough to invite me so I Can give you a gift?!?! What do people think about that one? Valid point, or am I too sensitive on that one? (I had paragraphs, darn it)
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    On a related note, I had the following situation occur twice and kinda felt it was rude. What do others think? Two people I know did not invite me to their wedding, but then invited me to their BABY shower a few months later. So I wasn't "close enough" to you be invited to your wedding, but when you are NOT paying for the event yourself, you feel I am close enough to invite me so I Can give you a gift?!?! What do people think about that one? Valid point, or am I too sensitive on that one? (I had paragraphs, darn it)
    A baby shower is in no way related to the wedding. So technically, this is not against etiquette. 
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    weddingcactus
  • Ndelible said:
    Viczaesar said:
    Ndelible said:
    On the other hand, there are people who would like to give a gift to the bride who know they aren't invited to a small, family only ceremony. This rule seems a bit outdated and hard on the invited guests.
    I don't follow your logic.
    I am not one who feels I must be invited to a wedding in order to give a gift (wedding or shower).  Weddings are expensive, so I almost always assume that the couple has to limit their guest list,.  I guess I just don't see everyone as gift grabby.  Some folks just want to celebrate.
    But you also don't have to wait for a shower to give a gift.  You can give a gift as your way of celebrating any darn time you want without a shower. 

    The whole purpose of a shower isn't to celebrate an upcoming marriage - those are called engagement parties and they aren't gift giving occasions.  Showers are to "shower the bride with gifts".  It's why they are called showers.  The sole purpose is gifts.  Otherwise, they'd be call engagement parties or wedding celebrations.  So when someone throws a shower for a bride, their only purpose is getting gifts for a bride, which is why it's rude and tacky to invite people to a shower who aren't invited to the wedding.  You're saying "You're good enough to spend money on me and get a gift, but not good enough for me to spend money on you to witness my marriage and properly receive you afterwards."

    Also, weddings don't HAVE to be expensive.  The logic of "weddings are expensive" = "it's ok to invite me to party where I'm required to a gift" is faulty.  One can properly host their guests without spending thousands of dollars if they want to - having any combination of expensive dresses, flowers, platinum rings, evening weddings with full dinners and open bars, fancy venues and decorations that result in people cutting guest lists due to cost are all optional.  They are choices people make that all have some opportunity cost.
  • On a related note, I had the following situation occur twice and kinda felt it was rude. What do others think? Two people I know did not invite me to their wedding, but then invited me to their BABY shower a few months later. So I wasn't "close enough" to you be invited to your wedding, but when you are NOT paying for the event yourself, you feel I am close enough to invite me so I Can give you a gift?!?! What do people think about that one? Valid point, or am I too sensitive on that one? (I had paragraphs, darn it)
    Honestly, I wouldn't be offended, @indianaalum.  It's definitely not against etiquette. Everyone knows that you can't invite everyone who wants to come/ everyone you'd like to have at a wedding.  There are always people who are going to have to be cut due to finances, logistics, etc.  That's kind of the nature of the beast.  I keep hearing the same mantra from other Knotties when giving advice about the guest list: "We're sorry, but we're just not able to accommodate everyone we'd like." It's hard to cut the guest list, but it's something that has to be done unless you either have 1) unlimited space 2) unlimited cash 3) the willingness to have a wedding with 500+ guests where you have no time to actually speak to everyone.

    That said, I'm sure that couple has others on their guest list whom they weren't able to invite...other people who they genuinely like and care about, but just couldn't swing when it came to the wedding.  Just because you weren't invited doesn't mean that you don't matter, or that you shouldn't rate for other important events in their life.  I understand your hurt feelings, but hopefully you won't hold the lack of wedding invitation against that couple, especially if they are your friends and you value the friendship.

    As to the gift-grabbiness, have they spent any time with you since the wedding?  If this baby shower invitation is the first contact you've had with them since the wedding took place, then I could see your point.  Otherwise, I'd let it go.
    [Deleted User]perdonami
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Ndelible said:
    Viczaesar said:
    Ndelible said:
    On the other hand, there are people who would like to give a gift to the bride who know they aren't invited to a small, family only ceremony. This rule seems a bit outdated and hard on the invited guests.
    I don't follow your logic.
    I am not one who feels I must be invited to a wedding in order to give a gift (wedding or shower).  Weddings are expensive, so I almost always assume that the couple has to limit their guest list,.  I guess I just don't see everyone as gift grabby.  Some folks just want to celebrate.
    I still don't follow your logic.  If you want to celebrate nobody is stopping you from sending a gift.  Good manners are stopping the hosts of the event from inviting people to a pre-wedding event, particularly one that requires a gift, when they're not invited to the wedding itself.  What on earth does "This rule seems a bit outdated and hard on the invited guests" mean?



    [Deleted User]
  • Having a small wedding doesn't mean you can't have pre-wedding events like showers. It becomes rude when people are invited to these pre-wedding events, but are not invited to the wedding. We invited 51 people to the wedding and invited 20 to the shower (only 15 could make it). It was a brunch/high tea theme so no games, etc. It was low key and elegant. Every single person invited to the shower was invited to the wedding. 
    esstee33Viczaesar
  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 Figment of Your Imagination member
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    CMGragain said:
    I'm old school on this.  I wouldn't host a shower for my own daughter.  This is one of those rules that seems to be changing.
    Our family is old school this way too.  No moms hosting showers, period. Sisters are ok, though.  I hosted my sister's bridesmaid's luncheon, but it was bankrolled by Mom's credit card.
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