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Money vs Invites

msm245msm245 member
First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Does deciding money from a certain party mean I need to invite who they want? We're spread really thin with the budget and are getting out of control requests and guest lists from people contributing money. Half of me understands that there should be some confessions made for those paying but the other half is thinking this is out of control! It's like the money we were given had strings attached and we can't make anyone happy. So many fights over this guest list issue. I have 2 parents, fMIL and us contributing but not the same. It seems that everyone who gave money is super offended that we had to cut the lists. No one gets it and it's to the point that I'm just going to have to pay for the extras myself or cut all friends off the list to stop the fighting. So stressed out and so many revisions and lengthy convos with all involved and getting nowhere! How did others deal in this situation?
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Re: Money vs Invites

  • LondonLisaLondonLisa member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Money rarely comes without strings attached. Unfortunately, he who pays gets a say. The only way to 100% control the guest list is to decline the money and pay for the wedding you  and your fi can afford. When you accept money, it does give them the right to dictate how they would like it to be spent (within reason).

    How many people are they each trying to invite and how many people are at you wedding in total?

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  • artbyallieartbyallie mod
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Money does have strings but it only goes so far. Are the proportions of your list and their lists comparable to the size of each contribution? If you are, for example, able to pay for all of 'your' guests, you can simply tell them. "You get x number of guests. Additional guests cost $y (sum of food, invitations, etc). If you do not cut your list, we will have to do so for you."

    If however, you are not contributing enough to pay for your own friends, yes, you will need to cut them before cutting the parents' lists.
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  • pegasuskatpegasuskat member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    I would figure up exact cost per guest, (food, invites, % of centerpieces -everything).  Then you can show them on paper that their $ actually cover X amount of people, it may make them realize what they are asking.  But if they are paying they should get to have guests on the list too.
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  • abbyj700abbyj700 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    He who pays gets a say. Money comes with strings. Plain and simple.

    Example 1: Parents give $10,000 - ask that 15 people be invited to a wedding of 150 guests. - Acceptable.

    Example 2: Parents give $200 -asks that 15 people be invited to a small affair of 20 - Not Acceptable.

    You can't sit and say "but I spent $2,000 of your $10,000 on my dress - so we can't afford your extra friends" Or "we would have to cut out one of the five harpest at the cocktail hour in order to invite your 2 friends - sorry."

    What are you considering out of control? And are they paying for a majority of your guests and wedding?
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    abbyj700 said:
    He who pays gets a say. Money comes with strings. Plain and simple.

    Example 1: Parents give $10,000 - ask that 15 people be invited to a wedding of 150 guests. - Acceptable.

    Example 2: Parents give $200 -asks that 15 people be invited to a small affair of 20 - Not Acceptable.

    You can't sit and say "but I spent $2,000 of your $10,000 on my dress - so we can't afford your extra friends" Or "we would have to cut out one of the five harpest at the cocktail hour in order to invite your 2 friends - sorry."

    What are you considering out of control? And are they paying for a majority of your guests and wedding?
    Exactly the bolded. If you have to show them what it costs on paper do that. 

    My parents paid for way more than their guests. My husband's parents didn't cover all of their friends. It was fine because we had the money. But we shut down any additional people from FMIL after we finalized the guest list. No is a complete sentence. 

    Also, any parent that would insist that they add extra friends while their son or daughter (the bride and groom) has to cut friends sucks. 

    Now if you have 50 friends and your parents want to add 2, then it shouldn't be a problem. If you have 10 friends and your parents want to add 20, they suck.


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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    huskypuppy14 said:
    abbyj700 said:
    He who pays gets a say. Money comes with strings. Plain and simple.

    Example 1: Parents give $10,000 - ask that 15 people be invited to a wedding of 150 guests. - Acceptable.

    Example 2: Parents give $200 -asks that 15 people be invited to a small affair of 20 - Not Acceptable.

    You can't sit and say "but I spent $2,000 of your $10,000 on my dress - so we can't afford your extra friends" Or "we would have to cut out one of the five harpest at the cocktail hour in order to invite your 2 friends - sorry."

    What are you considering out of control? And are they paying for a majority of your guests and wedding?
    Exactly the bolded. If you have to show them what it costs on paper do that. 

    My parents paid for way more than their guests. My husband's parents didn't cover all of their friends. It was fine because we had the money. But we shut down any additional people from FMIL after we finalized the guest list. No is a complete sentence. 

    Also, any parent that would insist that they add extra friends while their son or daughter (the bride and groom) has to cut friends sucks. 

    Now if you have 50 friends and your parents want to add 2, then it shouldn't be a problem. If you have 10 friends and your parents want to add 20, they suck.

     
    SITB
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  • msm245msm245 member
    First Comment
    Thanks all for the suggestions!
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