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Does all rehearsal dinner invitees have to be invited to the ceremony?

robinh25robinh25 member
Fourth Anniversary First Comment
edited October 2014 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
We need to limit our ceremony size because we are having it in a pretty intimate space. We are only planning to invite immediate family and wedding party. 

Only "problem" is that the rehearsal dinner list is now bigger than the ceremony list. Since my fiance's family is hosting and my family is HUGE compared to theirs, they want to invite their entire side to the rehearsal dinner to even out the ratio. They are including family friends and extended family, who we weren't planning to invite to the ceremony.

Is that okay? Is it weird to be invited to something as intimate as the rehearsal dinner, but not be invited to the ceremony? Help...
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Re: Does all rehearsal dinner invitees have to be invited to the ceremony?

  • photokittyphotokitty mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    How small, how many are invited to the ceremony? Is everyone in question invited to the reception after the ceremony?

    I don't think you should invite people to the rehearsal dinner who aren't invited to the ceremony. But if you are having a truly private ceremony with like ten people, just parents, siblings, and grandparents and then inviting everyone else to the reception immediately following, then it is not as egregious.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Yes! Of course! You should forego the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner. Then the dinner just becomes a dinner hosted by your ILs, with no wedding connection.
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  • MGPMGP member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited October 2014
    "Absolutely! I would love to come to dinner and hear everyone talking about the wedding just to be sent home and not invited the ceremony and reception the next day. I feel so honored just to be included!"

    Said no one ever.

    How do people not see how rude this is? It concerns me that OP only talks about a ceremony and not a reception. Or is that tiered too? If there is a reception and these people are invited to a RD thats fine. If they are invited to nothing but the RD thats super tacky. I think we need some more info about the overall plans for this wedding.

    ETA - second post this week about someone imposing a large amount of guests onto their in laws. Host determines the amount of guests, not the other way around.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Are there a lot of OOT people?    I'm just thinking the RD is really a welcome dinner in the eyes of the in-laws. 

    Personally I think it's tacky, but if in-laws want to host  a party the night before for their family/friends there really isn't much you can do.    

    If you are having an intimate ceremony there is no reason to even have a rehearsal.  No rehearsal means dinner needed.   That doesn't mean the in-laws can't host a party on their own the night before.    If people know that they are not invited to the ceremony and still travel to your reception I doubt they would be up in arms over being hosted an additional night.  

    OOT people naturally gravitate to one another when they come into town for a wedding.  Especially if they are party of a group like family or a bunch of friends.  It's just natural thing to do and I can see why the in-laws would like to host their family and friends an additional night.

    If everyone is local.  Then that would be really strange.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • robinh25robinh25 member
    Fourth Anniversary First Comment
    Wow, okay. The internet feels very strongly about this! I feel the same, which is why I posted the question. Just wanted to make sure my instincts were right. The in-laws feel strongly about inviting everyone to the night-before dinner, so we may just have to invite those people to the ceremony even though we don't even know some of them. Sigh...

    More info: We aren't having an actual rehearsal because the ceremony is going to be very intimate and pretty short. It will be in a small room and won't last more than 20 minutes. Only immediate family and wedding party were going to be invited; the wedding party isn't even a formal wedding party so they won't be walking down the aisle and won't be wearing matching outfits (instead, we are honoring them with roles in the ceremony/reception that are suited to their talents - our sweet friend is marrying us, our musician friend is playing the ceremony music, our funny friends are giving speeches, etc.)  The reception will immediately follow the ceremony, and everyone is invited to the reception.

    I have a ton of out of town friends, so we are having an earlier "rehearsal" dinner and are following it up with an informal welcome reception at a local bar/restaurant for all the OOT people and whoever else wants to come. FI and I are paying for that.

    So from what you are saying, that makes it a little bit better. But we should still invite everyone at the RD to the ceremony.
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  • esstee33esstee33 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    If you're not having a rehearsal, it's not a rehearsal dinner. 
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Don't call it a rehearsal dinner, because it's not. It's a welcome dinner. I think as long as everyone is invited to the reception, then it should be ok.
    robinh25 said:
    Wow, okay. The internet feels very strongly about this! I feel the same, which is why I posted the question. Just wanted to make sure my instincts were right. The in-laws feel strongly about inviting everyone to the night-before dinner, so we may just have to invite those people to the ceremony even though we don't even know some of them. Sigh...

    More info: We aren't having an actual rehearsal because the ceremony is going to be very intimate and pretty short. It will be in a small room and won't last more than 20 minutes. Only immediate family and wedding party were going to be invited; the wedding party isn't even a formal wedding party so they won't be walking down the aisle and won't be wearing matching outfits (instead, we are honoring them with roles in the ceremony/reception that are suited to their talents - our sweet friend is marrying us, our musician friend is playing the ceremony music, our funny friends are giving speeches, etc.)  The reception will immediately follow the ceremony, and everyone is invited to the reception.

    I have a ton of out of town friends, so we are having an earlier "rehearsal" dinner and are following it up with an informal welcome reception at a local bar/restaurant for all the OOT people and whoever else wants to come. FI and I are paying for that.

    So from what you are saying, that makes it a little bit better. But we should still invite everyone at the RD to the ceremony.
    Are the bolded invited to the ceremony? Because if they are not, but are invited to the reception, then why are you annoyed at your in laws? Seems like they are doing the same thing you are.
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  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    robinh25 said:
    Wow, okay. The internet feels very strongly about this! I feel the same, which is why I posted the question. Just wanted to make sure my instincts were right. The in-laws feel strongly about inviting everyone to the night-before dinner, so we may just have to invite those people to the ceremony even though we don't even know some of them. Sigh...

    More info: We aren't having an actual rehearsal because the ceremony is going to be very intimate and pretty short. It will be in a small room and won't last more than 20 minutes. Only immediate family and wedding party were going to be invited; the wedding party isn't even a formal wedding party so they won't be walking down the aisle and won't be wearing matching outfits (instead, we are honoring them with roles in the ceremony/reception that are suited to their talents - our sweet friend is marrying us, our musician friend is playing the ceremony music, our funny friends are giving speeches, etc.)  The reception will immediately follow the ceremony, and everyone is invited to the reception.

    I have a ton of out of town friends, so we are having an earlier "rehearsal" dinner and are following it up with an informal welcome reception at a local bar/restaurant for all the OOT people and whoever else wants to come. FI and I are paying for that.

    So from what you are saying, that makes it a little bit better. But we should still invite everyone at the RD to the ceremony.
    Or you could just decline their offer to host a "rehearsal dinner" and let them throw this dinner on their own, with no ties to your wedding at all. 
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Why are you having your ceremony so intimate. Why not just have your ceremony at the same place as your reception? I honestly don't understand the private ceremony same day as the big reception. 

    If you wanted an intimate ceremony, you should have had a intimate reception as well.  I know it's technically not against etiquette, but it seems weird to me, and a little gift grabby. JMHO.
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2014
    How ma y people are invited to your ceremony and how many people are invited to your reception and these dinners?

    Honestly, I'm not a fan of "small, intimate" wedding ceremonies and then larger receptions afterwards. This concept just makes no sense to me. As a guest, I would be hurt and offended that you didn't want me to be present at your actual marriage ceremony, which is the most important and meaningful event of the day, but you wanted me to attend your reception, which is just a glorified party.

    That said, if you wish to do this, then I think your ceremony guests should be limited to your immediate family members - parents and siblings- and grandparents ONLY. No other family members or friends. No wedding party IMO.

    If your ILs want to throw a dinner for their OOT guests, then that's fine, but it's not a rehearsal dinner so don't refer to it as such. You aren't rehearsing anything, and rehearsal dinners should be limited to only those participating in the actual ceremony.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Ok, so the reception is inclusive but the wedding ceremony is tiny. I think YOU'RE OKAY! I would not call the dinner the day before a rehearsal dinner. Your ILs can call it their welcome dinner. It must include all who are invited to the RECEPTION. I wouldn't even let it be known you are having a rehearsal, outside of your officiant, your musicians, and you readers.
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  • robinh25robinh25 member
    Fourth Anniversary First Comment
    Okay! So I think we will just call it a "family dinner", hosted by his family the night before. Followed by a welcome reception the same night for the rest of the OOT/other guests who will be attending the reception.

    Honestly, we went back and forth about the intimate ceremony thing. I have lived all over, and have been lucky enough to make a lot of good friends who I am still close to. It hurts me to think they won't be there; On the other hand, my fiance really hates being the center of attention and has some social anxiety issues. The small ceremony/bigger reception seemed like a good compromise. I'm still struggling with it, but thankfully my friends are understanding. 

    Thanks to all for your input!
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    robinh25 said:
    Okay! So I think we will just call it a "family dinner", hosted by his family the night before. Followed by a welcome reception the same night for the rest of the OOT/other guests who will be attending the reception.

    Honestly, we went back and forth about the intimate ceremony thing. I have lived all over, and have been lucky enough to make a lot of good friends who I am still close to. It hurts me to think they won't be there; On the other hand, my fiance really hates being the center of attention and has some social anxiety issues. The small ceremony/bigger reception seemed like a good compromise. I'm still struggling with it, but thankfully my friends are understanding. 

    Thanks to all for your input!
    I never really understand this excuse. You are just as much the center of attention at the reception. But to each their own.
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    huskypuppy14 said:


    robinh25 said:

    Okay! So I think we will just call it a "family dinner", hosted by his family the night before. Followed by a welcome reception the same night for the rest of the OOT/other guests who will be attending the reception.

    Honestly, we went back and forth about the intimate ceremony thing. I have lived all over, and have been lucky enough to make a lot of good friends who I am still close to. It hurts me to think they won't be there; On the other hand, my fiance really hates being the center of attention and has some social anxiety issues. The small ceremony/bigger reception seemed like a good compromise. I'm still struggling with it, but thankfully my friends are understanding. 

    Thanks to all for your input!

    I never really understand this excuse. You are just as much the center of attention at the reception. But to each their own.

    Yeah this makes no sense to me either. You will both be the center of attention all day. . .including the reception. At the reception your FI will be expected to greet every guest with you to thank them for coming, and people will seek him out all night to talk to him. He's also going to be the center of attention at the dinner his mother is hosting the might before.

    So I don't see how any of that would make a person with anxiety issues feel any more at ease as opposed to people quietly watching them exchange vows.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • kimberly0315kimberly0315 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    I can promise, there will be people who will not be ok with this.  They might not say it to your face, but they will talk about it behind your back.  

    I would be offended and upset if you didn't see me as important enough to actually witness the ceremony, but it's ok for me to party with you later in the day.  Not ok.

    Like others, I also don't understand how your FI would be ok with a large reception, it's still all about you guys, you are the centre of attention.  He will still need to thank everyone and mingle.
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    robinh25 said:
    Okay! So I think we will just call it a "family dinner", hosted by his family the night before. Followed by a welcome reception the same night for the rest of the OOT/other guests who will be attending the reception.

    Honestly, we went back and forth about the intimate ceremony thing. I have lived all over, and have been lucky enough to make a lot of good friends who I am still close to. It hurts me to think they won't be there; On the other hand, my fiance really hates being the center of attention and has some social anxiety issues. The small ceremony/bigger reception seemed like a good compromise. I'm still struggling with it, but thankfully my friends are understanding. 

    Thanks to all for your input!
    Yeah, this sounds pretty much etiquette-okay.  Many people are not a fan of the small ceremony/ large reception, but it's not necessarily rude.

    I'd be careful that the family dinner + welcome reception doesn't start to feel like a tiered party, though.  Will they at least be at different locations?
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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  • robinh25robinh25 member
    Fourth Anniversary First Comment
    So the key word is "compromise"... He knows he will be the center of attention all day/night, but at least when he is standing up in front of a large group of people and saying his vows, while said people are all sitting and staring at him at once, it will be 40 people as opposed to 150. I don't always understand his anxiety issues, either, but I trust him to know what he needs. I know it will hurt some people, because my feelings would be a little hurt too if it was someone I was really close to. I'm trying to minimize that with personal calls/conversations, and thankfully people have been very understanding, but I know it doesn't make it completely okay.

    The family dinner really will be just family, so I don't think it will feel tiered. We are going to another location to have the welcome reception and all are invited to that. 
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  • photokittyphotokitty mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    robinh25 said:

    So the key word is "compromise"... He knows he will be the center of attention all day/night, but at least when he is standing up in front of a large group of people and saying his vows, while said people are all sitting and staring at him at once, it will be 40 people as opposed to 150. I don't always understand his anxiety issues, either, but I trust him to know what he needs. I know it will hurt some people, because my feelings would be a little hurt too if it was someone I was really close to. I'm trying to minimize that with personal calls/conversations, and thankfully people have been very understanding, but I know it doesn't make it completely okay.


    The family dinner really will be just family, so I don't think it will feel tiered. We are going to another location to have the welcome reception and all are invited to that. 
    40 is a large number out of 150, I would expect a lot of hurt feelings. When almost a third of your guests get to go to the ceremony, that's a really high percentage unless you each have 6 siblings who are all married, all 8 grandparents living and 4 parents married to 4 step parents...that's about the only way 40 out of 150 constitutes an intimate ceremony.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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  • LondonLisaLondonLisa member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    40 out of 150 is not an intimate ceremony! In order to get away with the private ceremony/ big reception, no more than 10% of the guests should be at the ceremony. With 150 at the wedding, that means around 15 ceremony guests. I get your Fi has anxiety but that's not carte blanche to be nasty to your friends. If you want to compromise, cut your ceremony guest list.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You're going to end up hurting a lot of feelings with this thing.  People are already going to be really hurt that they aren't allowed to watch you exchange vows.  Now some of them are invited to the IL's welcome dinner and other people are invited to some other "rehearsal" pre-wedding event?  

    This has tiered wedding all over it.  
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    indianaalum said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    robinh25 said:
    Okay! So I think we will just call it a "family dinner", hosted by his family the night before. Followed by a welcome reception the same night for the rest of the OOT/other guests who will be attending the reception.

    Honestly, we went back and forth about the intimate ceremony thing. I have lived all over, and have been lucky enough to make a lot of good friends who I am still close to. It hurts me to think they won't be there; On the other hand, my fiance really hates being the center of attention and has some social anxiety issues. The small ceremony/bigger reception seemed like a good compromise. I'm still struggling with it, but thankfully my friends are understanding. 

    Thanks to all for your input!
    I never really understand this excuse. You are just as much the center of attention at the reception. But to each their own.
    Yeah this makes no sense to me either. You will both be the center of attention all day. . .including the reception. At the reception your FI will be expected to greet every guest with you to thank them for coming, and people will seek him out all night to talk to him. He's also going to be the center of attention at the dinner his mother is hosting the might before. So I don't see how any of that would make a person with anxiety issues feel any more at ease as opposed to people quietly watching them exchange vows.

    (I haven't read entire thread, this is just meant to address the "aren't they just the same thing" kinda post, not the actual content of what the OP is intending to do._


    I feel like I have answered this before in many locations here, but ANXIETY is a very 
    different thing in a ceremony vs reception. 

    Shortest answer: 


    Ceremony= front of everyone and cannot escape if you have feel faint or panicky. Much more pressure for anyone with social anxiety because "escaping" is much harder when doing your vows. You know everyone is looking and you know you can't just "walk away" to calm down..

    Reception=== you can take a break, go to bathroom, leave for fresh air, etc if you feel anxious. Nobody will really notice iff you need a 5 minute break to calm your nerves.


    WAY WAY different feelings to anyone who has a history of anxiety. Either you "get it" or you "dont" on this one. 


    Anxiety is not an excuse to be rude to your friends and family.
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  • MGPMGP member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
    edited October 2014
    indianaalum said:
    PrettyGirlLost said:
    robinh25 said:
    Okay! So I think we will just call it a "family dinner", hosted by his family the night before. Followed by a welcome reception the same night for the rest of the OOT/other guests who will be attending the reception.

    Honestly, we went back and forth about the intimate ceremony thing. I have lived all over, and have been lucky enough to make a lot of good friends who I am still close to. It hurts me to think they won't be there; On the other hand, my fiance really hates being the center of attention and has some social anxiety issues. The small ceremony/bigger reception seemed like a good compromise. I'm still struggling with it, but thankfully my friends are understanding. 

    Thanks to all for your input!
    I never really understand this excuse. You are just as much the center of attention at the reception. But to each their own.
    Yeah this makes no sense to me either. You will both be the center of attention all day. . .including the reception. At the reception your FI will be expected to greet every guest with you to thank them for coming, and people will seek him out all night to talk to him. He's also going to be the center of attention at the dinner his mother is hosting the might before. So I don't see how any of that would make a person with anxiety issues feel any more at ease as opposed to people quietly watching them exchange vows.

    (I haven't read entire thread, this is just meant to address the "aren't they just the same thing" kinda post, not the actual content of what the OP is intending to do._


    I feel like I have answered this before in many locations here, but ANXIETY is a very 
    different thing in a ceremony vs reception. 

    Shortest answer: 


    Ceremony= front of everyone and cannot escape if you have feel faint or panicky. Much more pressure for anyone with social anxiety because "escaping" is much harder when doing your vows. You know everyone is looking and you know you can't just "walk away" to calm down..

    Reception=== you can take a break, go to bathroom, leave for fresh air, etc if you feel anxious. Nobody will really notice iff you need a 5 minute break to calm your nerves.


    WAY WAY different feelings to anyone who has a history of anxiety. Either you "get it" or you "dont" on this one. 



    I get where you are coming from however this particular situation does not sound right to me. Just out of curiosity - do you think a 40 person ceremony is "intimate"? And a 40/150 ratio is not going to hurt people's feelings? I am sympathetic to people's issues and fears and am fine with some reasonable accommodation, but given these numbers what the OP has planned is not a compromise to deal with anxiety. It's just plain rude. 

    ETA - with two different events planned the day before that gives more opportunity for confusion and hurt feelings. And even if you were invited to everything except the ceremony that's pretty disrespectful of someone's time. Like why would someone want to travel out of town for a cocktail party one night and reception the next, and not be invited to the "main event" - the ceremony?
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    robinh25 said:

    So the key word is "compromise"... He knows he will be the center of attention all day/night, but at least when he is standing up in front of a large group of people and saying his vows, while said people are all sitting and staring at him at once, it will be 40 people as opposed to 150. I don't always understand his anxiety issues, either, but I trust him to know what he needs. I know it will hurt some people, because my feelings would be a little hurt too if it was someone I was really close to. I'm trying to minimize that with personal calls/conversations, and thankfully people have been very understanding, but I know it doesn't make it completely okay.


    The family dinner really will be just family, so I don't think it will feel tiered. We are going to another location to have the welcome reception and all are invited to that. 
    40 people out of 150 is not an intimate wedding. That's almost 30% of your guest list.

    If you want to have an intimate ceremony, then it really needs to be limited to immediate family and grandparents only. No other friends or family, no wedding party, no friends as musicians, etc.

    Otherwise you will hurt and offend people, no matter what they say to your face or over the phone.


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited October 2014
    huskypuppy14 said:


    indianaalum said:


    PrettyGirlLost said:

    huskypuppy14 said:


    robinh25 said:

    Okay! So I think we will just call it a "family dinner", hosted by his family the night before. Followed by a welcome reception the same night for the rest of the OOT/other guests who will be attending the reception.

    Honestly, we went back and forth about the intimate ceremony thing. I have lived all over, and have been lucky enough to make a lot of good friends who I am still close to. It hurts me to think they won't be there; On the other hand, my fiance really hates being the center of attention and has some social anxiety issues. The small ceremony/bigger reception seemed like a good compromise. I'm still struggling with it, but thankfully my friends are understanding. 

    Thanks to all for your input!

    I never really understand this excuse. You are just as much the center of attention at the reception. But to each their own.
    Yeah this makes no sense to me either. You will both be the center of attention all day. . .including the reception. At the reception your FI will be expected to greet every guest with you to thank them for coming, and people will seek him out all night to talk to him. He's also going to be the center of attention at the dinner his mother is hosting the might before.

    So I don't see how any of that would make a person with anxiety issues feel any more at ease as opposed to people quietly watching them exchange vows.

    (I haven't read entire thread, this is just meant to address the "aren't they just the same thing" kinda post, not the actual content of what the OP is intending to do._


    I feel like I have answered this before in many locations here, but ANXIETY is a very 
    different thing in a ceremony vs reception. 

    Shortest answer: 


    Ceremony= front of everyone and cannot escape if you have feel faint or panicky. Much more pressure for anyone with social anxiety because "escaping" is much harder when doing your vows. You know everyone is looking and you know you can't just "walk away" to calm down..

    Reception=== you can take a break, go to bathroom, leave for fresh air, etc if you feel anxious. Nobody will really notice iff you need a 5 minute break to calm your nerves.


    WAY WAY different feelings to anyone who has a history of anxiety. Either you "get it" or you "dont" on this one. 





    Anxiety is not an excuse to be rude to your friends and family.

    Yep, I don't get it and I don't understand why eloping isn't a better option for these couples followed by a celebration party later. That to me is far less rude and less hurtful to others.


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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