NWR: Do I RSVP?

[Deleted User] · October 2014

Quick etiquette question with a short back story:

I was in a wedding this year for a friend who turned into a terrible bridezilla and never came out of that transformation. Since the wedding, we really haven't communicated very much and that's been mostly on my part given how she treated me and others during her wedding planning. After the wedding, she told me how much she regretted her friends as bridesmaids so I took that as my cue to not have much to do with her anymore.

I just got an invitation in the mail to her housewarming party. FI and I are not going to the party. There was no RSVP information on the invitation. I'm torn between sending her a message to say we won't be able to attend the party just for the sake of politeness but FI thinks I could send a stronger message by not sending my regrets and not showing up to the party at all. I can also hear bridezilla's voice in my head telling people at the party, "I just can't believe crabbylucy isn't here! She didn't tell me she wasn't coming! That bitch!" which is why I'm leaning to at least send my regrets and move on.

Do I sent my regrets or just leave it alone?

Thanks!

charlieyankee03 · October 2014

Bitchy Charlie says don't say anything, don't show up, and enjoy snarking on the life-zilla. But polite, etiquette-following me says that because she sent you an invitation, it would be proper to send your regrets (however little you may actually "regret" not going).

I would just send my regrets with as little elaboration as possible on why you're not going. At least then you come off as the bigger person.

lyndausvi · October 2014

2 wrongs do not make a right.

RSVP your regrets.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

charlieyankee03 said:

Bitchy Charlie says don't say anything, don't show up, and enjoy snarking on the life-zilla. But polite, etiquette-following me says that because she sent you an invitation, it would be proper to send your regrets (however little you may actually "regret" not going).
I would just send my regrets with as little elaboration as possible on why you're not going. At least then you come off as the bigger person.

That's my thinking, too. I want to come off as the bigger person in the long run even though I really want to say, "After telling me that the $1200 I spent to be in your wedding wasn't nearly as much as you thought I could have spent, you have the audacity to send me a housewarming invitation? Are you kidding me?"

Thank you!

Fairyjen1 · October 2014

Around here most housewarming parties are Drop-in open house type affairs with no RSVP necessary. Since the didn't ask for an RSVP I wouldnt' bother. I realize that asking for an RSVP is not traditional proper etiquette, but I only know that from reading these boards. I'm pretty sure no on in my circle would expect RSVP's if they didn't ask for them on the invitation.

If I weren't going and it didn't ask me to RSVP I probably would just toss out the invitation.

NYCMercedes · October 2014

You still have her contact info so just thank her for the invitation and say you're sorry not to make it. Never burn bridges.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

lyndausvi said:

2 wrongs do not make a right.

RSVP your regrets.

You're right. Thank you for the confirmation!

[Deleted User] · October 2014

Thanks, all! I'll send her a message and send my regrets.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

scribe95 said:

If there isn't a request for an RSVP in this situation going out of your way to say you aren't coming almost seems unnecessary and a little vindictive.

That's true as well. I went home for lunch and looked it over, and there's no RSVP info. There's still that part of me that knows this person is going to expect to be told whether or not I'm coming though.

lyndausvi · October 2014

Fairyjen1 said:

Around here most housewarming parties are Drop-in open house type affairs with no RSVP necessary. Since the didn't ask for an RSVP I wouldnt' bother. I realize that asking for an RSVP is not traditional proper etiquette, but I only know that from reading these boards. I'm pretty sure no on in my circle would expect RSVP's if they didn't ask for them on the invitation.

If I weren't going and it didn't ask me to RSVP I probably would just toss out the invitation.

Even if it's a drop in affair it's polite to the let the guest Host know if you plan on coming or not. That way they have a general idea of how much food to prepare.

I makes me said people do not know this.

lyndausvi · October 2014

scribe95 said:

If there isn't a request for an RSVP in this situation going out of your way to say you aren't coming almost seems unnecessary and a little vindictive.

************STIB *********

No it doesn't. This whole thing they didn't request and RSVP you do not have to respond is stupid.

If someone calls or texts you and says "do you want to have dinner next Friday?". Do you ignore the invite? No, a polite person responds to the invite with either an accept or regret.

The proper thing is ALWAYS to respond to an invite. No wonder people these days have problems getting RSVPs. People do not know enough to have the decency to respond to an invite they receive.

JellyBean52513 · October 2014

If you think this person will have something negative to say if you don't send any kind of RSVP, I'm willing to bet she would have something negative to say even if you did ("I can't believe she just sent me a message saying she couldn't make it! She was in my wedding and yet she can't even give me the courtesy of letting me know why she isn't coming?!") Just based on the little information you gave us about her, she sounds very self-centered and has high expectations of others. I think no matter what you do, she'll have a nasty reaction. That being said, if I were in your position, I would only RSVP regrets if there were a request for me to do so. Just like with my boss's wedding which I would have LOVED to include an explanation of my choice not to attend, I just checked the "Decline" box and dropped it in the mail. If there is no info in the invite about RSVPing or otherwise letting the host know of your plans, you're free to ignore the invite along with any hypothetical reaction she may or may not have. For someone who told you that she regretted having you as a bridesmaid and that you should've spent more money on her, I think you're free to assume the worst of her and carry on with your life. ETF paragraphs but of course TK's not having that today

kaos16 · October 2014

Let's not calling it sending your "regrets" in this case. I wouldn't be apologizing for anything the way she acted. I would simply call or text saying that we received the invitation, but are unable to attend.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

JellyBean52513 said:

If you think this person will have something negative to say if you don't send any kind of RSVP, I'm willing to bet she would have something negative to say even if you did ("I can't believe she just sent me a message saying she couldn't make it! She was in my wedding and yet she can't even give me the courtesy of letting me know why she isn't coming?!") Just based on the little information you gave us about her, she sounds very self-centered and has high expectations of others. I think no matter what you do, she'll have a nasty reaction. That being said, if I were in your position, I would only RSVP regrets if there were a request for me to do so. Just like with my boss's wedding which I would have LOVED to include an explanation of my choice not to attend, I just checked the "Decline" box and dropped it in the mail. If there is no info in the invite about RSVPing or otherwise letting the host know of your plans, you're free to ignore the invite along with any hypothetical reaction she may or may not have. For someone who told you that she regretted having you as a bridesmaid and that you should've spent more money on her, I think you're free to assume the worst of her and carry on with your life. ETF paragraphs but of course TK's not having that today

That's how I've been feeling: Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I think I am still going to let her know we won't be coming. I heard through the grapevine today from a bridesmaid at her wedding that she is planning for catering so I can at least let her know for food prep/head count purposes.

I could go on for for days about this girl. After bitching (and I mean bitching) about one of the bridesmaids for getting pregnant before her wedding ("She couldn't have WAITED?!"), she went to the baby shower for her and posted all over fb about how "happy" she was for her and was "soooo blesssed to be part of the celebration of the upcoming arrival!" I wanted to vomit all over my laptop when I read that. I couldn't believe that bridesmaid extended the invitation to the bride after all the horrible things that was said about her pregnancy interfering with the wedding.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

UPDATE:

I went ahead and sent her a text message last night about how FI and I would be unable to attend. Her response: "Oh, so sorry to hear that. I hope whatever you're doing is more important!"

Yeah. So glad to not be going to that nonsense.

theartistformerlyknownas · October 2014

crabbylucy said:

UPDATE:

I went ahead and sent her a text message last night about how FI and I would be unable to attend. Her response: "Oh, so sorry to hear that. I hope whatever you're doing is more important!"

Yeah. So glad to not be going to that nonsense.

Wow what an asshole. I probably would have responded "yeah, it's just really important that I spend some time cleaning the hair from my vacuum cleaner brush that day."

Better off without her!

[Deleted User] · October 2014

lolo883 said:

crabbylucy said:

UPDATE:

I went ahead and sent her a text message last night about how FI and I would be unable to attend. Her response: "Oh, so sorry to hear that. I hope whatever you're doing is more important!"

Yeah. So glad to not be going to that nonsense.

Wow what an asshole. I probably would have responded "yeah, it's just really important that I spend some time cleaning the hair from my vacuum cleaner brush that day."

Better off without her!

Wow, you're spending your time a lot more worthily than I was planning to. I was just going to suggest that the OP say that she was very importantly going to spend her time sitting on her ass watching old 80s movies on Netflix. Maybe order a pizza. If inspired.

lyndausvi · October 2014

wow. what a bitch. But you did the right thing by letting her know.

Kauris · October 2014

crabbylucy said:

UPDATE:

I went ahead and sent her a text message last night about how FI and I would be unable to attend. Her response: "Oh, so sorry to hear that. I hope whatever you're doing is more important!"

Yeah. So glad to not be going to that nonsense.

So many more important things I can think of: cleaning belly button lint, cleaning baseboards of house, counting your eyelashes, cutting your grass with scissors.

She's a jerk, at least you have seen her true colors and don't have to deal with that anymore.

NWR: Do I RSVP?

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