the choosing of the bridesmaids

Re: the choosing of the bridesmaids

• MrsHtobe2015 member

  

  October 2014

  I haven't said to them either way if they are in it or not, we haven't had any discussions about it.  

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• IrishPirate60 member

  

  October 2014

  Tell them you're just enjoying being engaged right now and will look forward to 2015 when you start to do actual planning.

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• OliveOilsMom member

  

  October 2014

  MrsHtobe2015 said:

  Hi I'm new here! We got engaged in September 21 and our date is Sept 6 2015. We have been discussing our wedding party choices this week. I'm having my sister as moh and 3 friends as bridesmaids. really wasn't an issue choosing, I always have known that's who I would have.

  my problem is I'm getting questioned daily by different friends/acquaintances  about who I will choose. then when I say, they look upset or pissed that its not them.

  I really never expected this at all. so don't know how to react.

   I have 2 friends that i know are expecting to be in the wedding. They wanted to come to a bridal show with me this weekend, asking when were going dress shopping etc, I don't want any hurt feelings. does anyone have advice on this. (they are b list friends if that makes sense)

  
  

  MrsHtobe2015 said:

  I haven't said to them either way if they are in it or not, we haven't had any discussions about it.  

  I would deflect the question if anyone directly asks you again.  It's rude of them to ask, but I can understand them being upset at your response.  It's like that old saying "the truth hurts."  The people who asks were probably expecting you to start gushing "ZOMG!  You are SO being a BM!" Then you both squeal with delight.  So if anyone else asks, just start using the combo of "I'm just enjoying being engaged!  We haven't thought that far ahead!"  or "I haven't decided on a WP yet."  

  Once you do choose your WP and people ask again, just say who you have chosen and change the subject.  When in doubt on what to say to someone just change the subject.  "I don't know what we're gonna do, but did you try that new recipe for bean dip?  It's amazing!"

  

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• Jen4948 member

  

  October 2014

  If you're not ready to choose, tell them "We're enjoying being engaged right now.  We're not ready to choose a bridal party right now."  And when you are, and someone asks, just tell them.  If they indicate disappointment and/or pissiness because you didn't choose them, don't engage them.  Just respond, "I'm sorry to hear that, but our choices have been made" and change the subject.
  

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• atlastmrsg member

  

  October 2014

  Also, consider not choosing (ie--telling who you've picked) until it's closer.  Lots of messages on here are brides regretting selecting one friend over another.  Make sure you're as close as you think, they still live in the same city (if that's something important to you), etc.  In six months, they could move, get engaged, start dating someone and ignore you, start a new job, lose a job, stop responding to your calls/text/FB messages, get pregnant...all things that (if you're like many brides here) will bother you and make you wish you hadn't picked them.  Whether those are friendship dealbreakers is another story, but regardless, those are some of the common culprits of bride-bridesmaid tension here.

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• agenevieve22016 member

  

  October 2014

  I can say I was having a little problem selections mine was well. I felt if I was in their wedding they needed to be in mine well then it would of been too much so I decided to have none of them in it that i was in and chose people who I know have good jobs and don't have children (besides my moh) you can't ask someone who you think can't afford it. It really puts people on the spot. This may seem rude to some of u but I wanted to choose people who wouldn't struggle....but to your question it's completely rude that anyone would ever ask if they are in it and if they do then they don't belong in it!! It's an honor to be asked not ask hey am I!!?

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• short+sassy member

  

  October 2014

  Yeah, I still remember when I was trying to decide on my MOH (I only wanted one attendant) and it kept playing through my head how one of my good friends and I had made this "little girl promise" at the ages of 20 that "ooohhh...we were going to be each other's bridesmaids someday".  And I was her BM for her 1st wedding.  But, by the time my engagement rolled around, we were still friends, but not nearly as close.  It just didn't make sense for me anymore and I don't think she expected it (at least I hope not!).  So, I asked my sister instead.  I think my friend might have been hurt if I'd had like 10 BMs and hadn't asked her, but since I only had one and it was my sister, I doubt it bothered her.

  

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• MrsHtobe2015 member

  

  October 2014

  thanks ladies

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• mrsmagicgeek member

  

  October 2014

  agenevieve22016 said:

  I can say I was having a little problem selections mine was well. I felt if I was in their wedding they needed to be in mine well then it would of been too much so I decided to have none of them in it that i was in and chose people who I know have good jobs and don't have children (besides my moh) you can't ask someone who you think can't afford it. It really puts people on the spot. This may seem rude to some of u but I wanted to choose people who wouldn't struggle....but to your question it's completely rude that anyone would ever ask if they are in it and if they do then they don't belong in it!! It's an honor to be asked not ask hey am I!!?

  What does having children have to do with being a bridesmaid?

  

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• plainjane0415 member

  

  October 2014

  mrsmagicgeek said:

  I can say I was having a little problem selections mine was well. I felt if I was in their wedding they needed to be in mine well then it would of been too much so I decided to have none of them in it that i was in and chose people who I know have good jobs and don't have children (besides my moh) you can't ask someone who you think can't afford it. It really puts people on the spot. This may seem rude to some of u but I wanted to choose people who wouldn't struggle....but to your question it's completely rude that anyone would ever ask if they are in it and if they do then they don't belong in it!! It's an honor to be asked not ask hey am I!!?

  What does having children have to do with being a bridesmaid?

   

  **SITB**

   

  Ditto, also, to the bolded, a good job?  I'm sorry, what?

  
  

  
  

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• mikenberger member

  

  October 2014

  agenevieve22016 said:

  I can say I was having a little problem selections mine was well. I felt if I was in their wedding they needed to be in mine well then it would of been too much so I decided to have none of them in it that i was in and chose people who I know have good jobs and don't have children (besides my moh) you can't ask someone who you think can't afford it. It really puts people on the spot. This may seem rude to some of u but I wanted to choose people who wouldn't struggle....but to your question it's completely rude that anyone would ever ask if they are in it and if they do then they don't belong in it!! It's an honor to be asked not ask hey am I!!?

  I literally just hit myself in the forehead with my palm. So what if one of your bridesmaids gets pregnant? Or loses their job? Out they go and they're replaced like some little cog in your wedding machine?

  
  

  
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  October 2014

  mikenberger said:

  agenevieve22016 said:

  I can say I was having a little problem selections mine was well. I felt if I was in their wedding they needed to be in mine well then it would of been too much so I decided to have none of them in it that i was in and chose people who I know have good jobs and don't have children (besides my moh) you can't ask someone who you think can't afford it. It really puts people on the spot. This may seem rude to some of u but I wanted to choose people who wouldn't struggle....but to your question it's completely rude that anyone would ever ask if they are in it and if they do then they don't belong in it!! It's an honor to be asked not ask hey am I!!?

  I literally just hit myself in the forehead with my palm. So what if one of your bridesmaids gets pregnant? Or loses their job? Out they go and they're replaced like some little cog in your wedding machine?

  Who needs good friends when they know people with money and time to lavish on them?

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• thisismynickname2 member

  

  October 2014

  I'm sorry you're dealing with that. It's fairly rude of people, who evidently hope to be picked, to ask you. Some great advice I received is that you cannot control how people choose to react. You chose your bridal party, stick with your choices, and others will have to deal with their feelings on their own. Don't feel bad or guilty.

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• slothiegal member

  

  October 2014

  mikenberger said:

  agenevieve22016 said:

  I can say I was having a little problem selections mine was well. I felt if I was in their wedding they needed to be in mine well then it would of been too much so I decided to have none of them in it that i was in and chose people who I know have good jobs and don't have children (besides my moh) you can't ask someone who you think can't afford it. It really puts people on the spot. This may seem rude to some of u but I wanted to choose people who wouldn't struggle....but to your question it's completely rude that anyone would ever ask if they are in it and if they do then they don't belong in it!! It's an honor to be asked not ask hey am I!!?

  I literally just hit myself in the forehead with my palm. So what if one of your bridesmaids gets pregnant? Or loses their job? Out they go and they're replaced like some little cog in your wedding machine?

  My MOH lost her job about three months before my wedding.  I kicked her out.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  Oh wait, no.  I checked in with her, since you know, she's my best friend, and helped her search for jobs.  I put up the money for her accommodations when she was in town for the wedding.  I offered to pay for her dress (she didn't need me to).  She gave me a heartfelt gift that didn't cost her a cent.  

  
  

  And my wedding came and went and life went on and we're still best friends and I wouldn't have preferred anyone different by my side that day.....even without a job.

  

  
  

  
  

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• marinaandthewaves member

  

  October 2014

  I'm in the middle of this too. We got engaged at the beginning of last month, and are getting married in April or May of 2016. I've already picked (and asked) my side of the wedding party, though FI has only picked his bast man so far, but I'm already getting asked who I'm having. For me, I've just been telling people straight up, which has caused a lot of pissed of acquaintances who don't 'agree' with who I've picked (my best friend who lives on a different continent, and is male, my 15 year old brother and sister, and my best friend from work). But, I really don't care. Don't feel guilty about who you have picked. People shouldn't ask questions they won't like the answer to.

  

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• tiphenieB member

  

  October 2014

   
  

  My fiance and I are getting married next april. We are having a short engagement. I have selected and asked my bridesmaid (only 3), but my fiance only asked his best man too. I selected my 2 older sisters who live in the same state as me, and my best friend at this time. My mom called me a few days ago to yell at me asking why my youngest sister (i have 4 total and i am the middle) is not a bridesmaid. While her and i had gotten really close, she joined the marines and is stationed in california. I felt it was a lot to ask someone, who i now rarely get to talk to, to join me in the stress of planning a wedding. I am not excluding her from my wedding, I have a special dress for her to wear and she is doing a reading. Maybe i am a rude and inconsiderate person.... But it is my choice. Not my mothers, or my friends. 

  
  

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• Viczaesar member

  

  October 2014

  tiphenieB said:

   
  

  My fiance and I are getting married next april. We are having a short engagement. I have selected and asked my bridesmaid (only 3), but my fiance only asked his best man too. I selected my 2 older sisters who live in the same state as me, and my best friend at this time. My mom called me a few days ago to yell at me asking why my youngest sister (i have 4 total and i am the middle) is not a bridesmaid. While her and i had gotten really close, she joined the marines and is stationed in california. I felt it was a lot to ask someone, who i now rarely get to talk to, to join me in the stress of planning a wedding. I am not excluding her from my wedding, I have a special dress for her to wear and she is doing a reading. Maybe i am a rude and inconsiderate person.... But it is my choice. Not my mothers, or my friends. 

  
  

  True that it's your choice, but being a bridesmaid has nothing to do with planning your wedding.  Asking someone to be a bridesmaid or MOH is honoring them for their friendship and support over the years.  Their only duty is to show up at the wedding in the dress.  The onus of wedding planning lies solely on you and your FI.  So instead of not involving her in planning your wedding, what you're actually doing is excluding her from an honor that you're giving your other sisters.  If I were her I would be extremely hurt.

  
  
  
  

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