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Picky bridesmaid basically rant but a question too

bridet0be15bridet0be15 member
25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
One of my bridesmaids has always been a picky eater. A year or two ago she started being a vegan. When I was planning my menu we decided to have 2/6 hor dourves vegan (she is the only one that is vegan at our wedding unless plus ones are). We also were going to make our stationary vegan friendly and our venue will offer a vegan friendly dish for those who need them. On top of being vegan she is very picky (no mushrooms and some other ingredients). Since she is a bm I want to accommodate her. However the other day she was saying she eats "some fish" and that shrimp is her favorite. So I asked her if she was still vegan and basically she said she is except some fish and that her reason is because the milk products are fattening and doesn't like meat.

When I told my mom (who is paying for most of the wedding) she got annoyed that we were changing the menu around to accommodate her when she actually isn't vegan. We now were thinking of offering just one vegan friendly hor dourve for cocktail hour. One of our dinner choices is fish, do you think I still need to tell her she can have a vegan option? Is one vegan option okay for passed hor dourves ?

(Our venue told us dietary restrictions can be accommodated if the person calls them when they put the meal count in).
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Re: Picky bridesmaid basically rant but a question too

  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    @jacques27‌ Is vegan a sacred or banned word? Why the * ?
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    lolo883 said:
    banana468 said:
    I'd tell her that the options available will accommodate her current diet. Maybe I'm mean but she is creating these restrictions and changing them on a whim. If you can't keep up with them then she needs to deal.
    Unrelated to the OP but... went to dinner with friends the other night, and one of the girls in the group claimed that she's "normally vegan, but just at home, not when eating out." Ordered a Caesar salad, "walleye if I can get it without the breading, but otherwise the salmon, just make sure it's just barely medium and not TOO medium, you know not dry," and a loaded baked potato, just minus the bacon. I side-eyed the shit out of her. 

    The last time I saw her, she claimed that she "couldn't" eat gluten so she sat and picked every chocolate chip out of no fewer than 6 giant cookies and left the crumbs in a huge pile. Lady there is still enough cookie stuck to those that if you were really allergic it would be giving you issues, but you just ruined half a dozen cookies that other people would have eaten.
    My eyes would still be stuck in the back of my head if this were my friend.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I'm all about the path of least resistance.  You have created a menu with 2 vegan options for cocktail hour and 1 for dinner.   Why change just because you have a flaky BM who changes her diet every other week?    

    I'm all about variety. You are already have it.    Do not change that out of spite for this BM.  Others will eat the vegan options. People like variety.  There will be a vegetarian out there.  There always is, they can eat vegan.  

      If this BM changes her diet once again, just ignore her.  






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • XrebeccaXXrebeccaX member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    Vegan, vegetarian or allergic is one thing. Picky is another. I can't with grown adults who are picky eaters and make sure everyone knows it. Accommodate her to the extent that you can (it's very nice of you to be so considerate!) but it's not your responsibility to cater to her changing requirements.
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  • allispainallispain member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    A) I think your original plans sounds lovely, whether or not it was done with this particular BM in mind. Lots of people, myself included, enjoy eating veggie/vegan apps and meals (even if they aren't vegetarian or vegan), so I'm sure she won't be the only one eating them. B) If you want to change one of the vegan apps to something else, I think that would be fine, but I would personally change it to a straight up vegetarian app. It really is nice to have that kind of variety. C) Considering that there's a the option to get a vegan meal if you order one, I don't think you need to do anything else to accommodate her. If she wants the fish, fine. If she wants the vegan option, fine. D) I do agree that her dietary flakiness is annoying, but it's not the end of the world. I wouldn't stress about this too much. You've accommodated her and any other vegans there may be, which is what a good host should do. Deep breathe and let it go.
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  • esstee33esstee33 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    lyndausvi said:
    I'm all about the path of least resistance.  You have created a menu with 2 vegan options for cocktail hour and 1 for dinner.   Why change just because you have a flaky BM who changes her diet every other week?    

    I'm all about variety. You are already have it.    Do not change that out of spite for this BM.  Others will eat the vegan options. People like variety.  There will be a vegetarian out there.  There always is, they can eat vegan.  

      If this BM changes her diet once again, just ignore her.  
    This. You already have an accommodating menu just in case of other vegetarians, which is a distinct possibility since people can change their diet at any time. I'd just leave it alone. If she doesn't like the options you have for her or changes her diet again, so be it. 
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  • melbensomelbenso member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    We had no vegans at our wedding, and only a couple of vegetarians (including DH).  Our most popular appetizer was the vegan option we chose -  buffalo fried tofu.  And as for the vegan dish option, if it doesn't cost you any more to allow her the vegan option, I'd leave the menu as it is.  But if the standard vegan option contains mushrooms (or something else she won't eat) but she will eat the fish option, I wouldn't go out of my way to have the venue serve her a special vegan dish with only the ingredients she does eat.  As long as she can eat one of the meals you are serving, then you are fine.

    And I feel your pain.  I had similar issues with DH's aunt, who about 2 weeks before our wedding (and 3 days before final numbers were due, having not RSVPed  or otherwise inquired about food when she got her invitation nearly 2 months before) emailed me to see if any of the meals were gluten free.  Not because she has celiacs (she doesn't) but because she is on a gluten free diet to lose weight.  In this same email, she told me she would probably still have a small piece of our gluteny, gluteny cake.  We did not get her a special gluten free meal.
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  • badbnagdwaybadbnagdway member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    JCbride2015 said:
    lolo883 said:
    banana468 said:
    I'd tell her that the options available will accommodate her current diet. Maybe I'm mean but she is creating these restrictions and changing them on a whim. If you can't keep up with them then she needs to deal.
    Unrelated to the OP but... went to dinner with friends the other night, and one of the girls in the group claimed that she's "normally vegan, but just at home, not when eating out." Ordered a Caesar salad, "walleye if I can get it without the breading, but otherwise the salmon, just make sure it's just barely medium and not TOO medium, you know not dry," and a loaded baked potato, just minus the bacon. I side-eyed the shit out of her. 

    The last time I saw her, she claimed that she "couldn't" eat gluten so she sat and picked every chocolate chip out of no fewer than 6 giant cookies and left the crumbs in a huge pile. Lady there is still enough cookie stuck to those that if you were really allergic it would be giving you issues, but you just ruined half a dozen cookies that other people would have eaten.
    My eyes would still be stuck in the back of my head if this were my friend.
    Gluten "sensitivity" is probably not a thing:  http://www.forbes.com/sites/rosspomeroy/2014/05/15/non-celiac-gluten-sensitivity-may-not-exist/

    I have a cousin who straight up has celiac. His issues are very severe and he's even had to have part of his colon removed. His sister, however, is an anorexic who has self-diagnosed that she is gluten sensitive and also decided to be a vegan. Basically this gives her an excuse to not eat. 

    All that said, I am a lacto-oval pescatarian. That is a lot to explain so I just tell people I'm vegetarian when asked. I do not make a big issue of my self-chosen dietary restrictions. 

    OP -- I would keep the vegan options or maybe convert the apps to vegetarian and keep the vegan meal option. I know a lot of people who love vegetables and go meat-free a couple days a week. I also think having a very restrictive option could be good because, for example, a vegetarian can eat a vegan meal but not vice versa. 
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  • Wegl13Wegl13 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I had a "vegetarian" friend that claimed it was for humane reasons. Except she would eat sushi. But not fish cooked any other way. She came over to my house for a cook out and my mom had frozen fish for her... Let's just say mom was pretty peeved when I informed her I was going to have to leave to buy her veggie burgers.
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  • delujm0delujm0 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    I am a picky eater.  i don't eat red meat or most fish, or beans, or a whole host of other stuff.  But what i also don't do is ask anyone to or assume anyone will accomodate me.  When i go to a wedding, and the only options are steak and crab cakes, i will just eat a bunch of vegetable starters and sides.  Not a big deal.  In my opinion, people who make a huge scene about their food preferances are doing so for the attention.  Most people who are truly vegan for example know to plan ahead and throw a bag of nuts or something in their bag, or eat before they leave, just in case there is nothing else for them to eat.  Oviously you want to be able to accomodate everyone, and have a veg*n option for your meal, but to go so completely out of your way for someone who just doesn't want to eat cheese or meat becuse they are fatty is pretty crazy.
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  • weddingcactusweddingcactus member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    It was thoughtful of you to accommodate your bridesmaids proclaimed veganism. I am a vegetarian and I recognize that in social eating situations, my food options will often be restricted. Personally I recognize that my dietary restrictions may not always be accommodated, whether at a hosted event or even a restaurant, and that it is not the job of the host to accommodate every possible dietary restriction out there. There are just too many: vegan, vegetarian, gluten free, pescatarian, low/no carb, low fat, diabetic, etc, I have been to numerous events where there was simply nothing for me to eat or perhaps only bread to eat. It's not the end of the world, but it can be pretty depressing when you're hungry and there is nothing you can eat.  Ultimately, you can do what you want. But having been the vegetarian significant other (or +1) at many events, I can tell you that I would be so happy to see a vegetarian entree option and even one vegetarian appetizer. Not only vegans eat vegan food, so you won't be starving someone just by having the option there.
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  • perdonamiperdonami member
    Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer
    edited October 2014
    bridet0be15 said:
    One of my bridesmaids has always been a picky eater. A year or two ago she started being a vegan. When I was planning my menu we decided to have 2/6 hor dourves vegan (she is the only one that is vegan at our wedding unless plus ones are). We also were going to make our stationary vegan friendly and our venue will offer a vegan friendly dish for those who need them. On top of being vegan she is very picky (no mushrooms and some other ingredients). Since she is a bm I want to accommodate her. However the other day she was saying she eats "some fish" and that shrimp is her favorite. So I asked her if she was still vegan and basically she said she is except some fish and that her reason is because the milk products are fattening and doesn't like meat. When I told my mom (who is paying for most of the wedding) she got annoyed that we were changing the menu around to accommodate her when she actually isn't vegan. We now were thinking of offering just one vegan friendly hor dourve for cocktail hour. One of our dinner choices is fish, do you think I still need to tell her she can have a vegan option? Is one vegan option okay for passed hor dourves ? (Our venue told us dietary restrictions can be accommodated if the person calls them when they put the meal count in).
    Since your mother paying for this wedding (and I assume the caterer) and she is genuinely pissed about it, maybe accomodate your mom wishes. Still make sure though that there is a vegan app and meal option.

    At my wedding the best meal was the vegan option: polenta and sauted veggies.. super good. 
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  • tammym1001tammym1001 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    If it were me I would just leave the menu as is. You already had it set up to accommodate her and I'm sure people will still enjoy the vegan apps.

    I am a super picky eater and sometimes people will try to accommodate me if they can. I always tell them not to worry about it because there will be something that I can eat. I don't need to eat every single item that's offered. Because I'm a picky eater though I do try to accommodate my friends and family that are also picky eaters since I know how it feels. I know it annoys people, but I'm not going to force food down my throat that I don't like. That's stupid. 
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  • marie2785marie2785 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    I think you're being VERY generous with your friend by providing her multiple options, and also doing the invites vegan. Personally, I have no issues accommodating religious beliefs or allergies of the bridal party and immediate families...but I would probably leave it to 1 option that fits their needs for dinner, and 1 for hor dourves (I'm doing this for my muslim, jewish, and celiac bridesmaids).  I'm also a jerk and wouldn't fully accommodate a picky eater with mushroom issues (sorry :( ), but I'd probably at least make sure the vegetarian dish isn't a stuffed mushroom. If the dish has mushrooms in it though, I'd let them deal with picking around them.  


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