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Getting legally married for VISA purposes before the big day... Will it spoil the actual wedding?

coryandgraeme210coryandgraeme210 member
First Comment First Anniversary
in Wedding Woes
I need some advice...

My Fi and I currently live in the UK, I'm and USA national studying here.  Basically if I want to stay in the country and work, rather than stay and not work for 6 months, we would have to legally get married before our wedding on May 1st, 2015 for the shear practical fact that we are poor, struggling and can't afford to spend £1,500 on two separate visa's, and I need to start work immediately after my PhD is submitted.  

Has anyone ever been legally married before their big dream wedding?  I know it's just a piece of paper, and I'd like to think that we wouldn't consider ourselves married till we've had the big day, but would this suck the magic out of it?

I think if we did this I wouldn't want to tell anyone!! Have a friend sworn to secrecy be there as witnesses, but basically keep is hushed, so that the big day could still be special.  Can anyone share their experiences with this??

Cheers C xx
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Re: Getting legally married for VISA purposes before the big day... Will it spoil the actual wedding?

  • HeffalumpHeffalump member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    If you go over to the Etiquette board, they discuss this subject at length.  They do a better and more thorough job than I can (especially pre-morning coffee), but LSS, it is not recommended, for the excellent reasons they outline in this post:

    http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1036614/legally-married-now-having-a-real-wedding-stop-here-first-aka-the-ppd-faq-thread#latest

    There are other threads on this topic, as well, but this one is a good place to start.
    �
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  • coryandgraeme210coryandgraeme210 member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited October 2014
    Geez a bit harsh, I can't help the fact that my entire wedding is booked, paid for and planned, this is certainly not a whim, or anything I'd choose to do if I didn't need to do.  I certainly do not agree with PPD in this case, it's not something I would choose to do, it's circumstances beyond my control at this point.  Cheers.
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  • coryandgraeme210coryandgraeme210 member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited October 2014
    That's not I was wanting blind validation?  How rude... I really don't understand why people feel the need to be so weirdly intense... I take the advice on, and will likely share this dilemma with friends and family.  Cheers.  Have a lovely afternoon, on many message boards I have seen support for both sides of the coin, so it's not necessarily and 'overwhelming consensus', hence my question on here.  
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  • GBCKGBCK member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    things that are a matter of public record don't stay secret.

    Sworn to secrecy helps, but at *some* point, you can be relatively sure that SOMEONE will find out.  And 20 years from now "you lied to me for 20 years?!?" can be pretty damn dramatic and painful.


    But I will say I'm confused--did you have no idea until yesterday that your visas would run out?  why would you set the wedding date for 6 months after the time your visas would run out, if you knew that being married was part and parcel of being able to stay in the country?
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  • tawillerstawillers member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited October 2014
    Are you saying as a guest you'd be totally cool if you found out the couple had actually been married for 7 months?

    Wouldn't you feel like you were at a gift-grab at that point?

    If you are getting married soon for visa reasons, why isn't canceling the PPD and getting some of your money back (yes, you'll lose deposits) better than going though with all the expenses if you need the money right now?


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  • artbyallieartbyallie mod
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    coryandgraeme210 said:
    Geez a bit harsh, I can't help the fact that my entire wedding is booked, paid for and planned, this is certainly not a whim, or anything I'd choose to do if I didn't need to do.  I certainly do not agree with PPD in this case, it's not something I would choose to do, it's circumstances beyond my control at this point.  Cheers.
    This is a failure of planning on your part. You should not have paid for your wedding without having your visa(s) accounted for.
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  • MNNEBrideMNNEBride member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    This isn't an either/or situation.  You can get married now for legal purposes and have your big dream day later.  However, the latter will not be a wedding, it will be a vow renewal.  You just need to be honest about what's happening.  

    You wouldn't have to make a big announcement either.  Just word your invitations in a way that portrays what's really happening.  For example,   "Cory and Graeme request the honor of your presence as they celebrate their marriage and renew their vows"
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  • coryandgraeme210coryandgraeme210 member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    I appreciate your point, and yes, It hasn't been poor planning, my VISAs were going to be accounted for but situations outwith my control... i.e. collaborations within my degree program have forced an extension of study, for which I am ineligible for a VISA that would keep me here till the wedding.  

    Personally if I were a guest at a wedding where I'd known the couple was already married, I would be understanding that everyone has different circumstances in life that bring them to make the choices that they make in life, and I would happily attend, and be happy that I was included.  But obviously these feelings are personal, and up to an individual to decide, I don't care about getting gifts, in an ideal world, and what I planned was that that wedding, that day I've paid for and properly planned would be the only day, I'm just looking for options because a certain situation has cropped up that I'm trying to handle.  Thank you.
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  • coryandgraeme210coryandgraeme210 member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    Thank you that is both helpful and constructive advice
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  • coryandgraeme210coryandgraeme210 member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    Yes I understand that, I understand the importance of letting other people know, and while it wouldn't bother me, it will clearly bother other people, EVERYONE on here has made that abundantly clear.  Thank you, I don't need anymore, everyone has been very helpful.  
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  • HeffalumpHeffalump member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer

    coryandgraeme210 said:
    Geez a bit harsh, I can't help the fact that my entire wedding is booked, paid for and planned, this is certainly not a whim, or anything I'd choose to do if I didn't need to do.  I certainly do not agree with PPD in this case, it's not something I would choose to do, it's circumstances beyond my control at this point.  Cheers.

    coryandgraeme210 said:
    That's not I was wanting blind validation?  How rude... I really don't understand why people feel the need to be so weirdly intense... I take the advice on, and will likely share this dilemma with friends and family.  Cheers.  Have a lovely afternoon, on many message boards I have seen support for both sides of the coin, so it's not necessarily and 'overwhelming consensus', hence my question on here.  

    coryandgraeme210 said:
    I appreciate your point, and yes, It hasn't been poor planning, my VISAs were going to be accounted for but situations outwith my control... i.e. collaborations within my degree program have forced an extension of study, for which I am ineligible for a VISA that would keep me here till the wedding.  

    Personally if I were a guest at a wedding where I'd known the couple was already married, I would be understanding that everyone has different circumstances in life that bring them to make the choices that they make in life, and I would happily attend, and be happy that I was included.  But obviously these feelings are personal, and up to an individual to decide, I don't care about getting gifts, in an ideal world, and what I planned was that that wedding, that day I've paid for and properly planned would be the only day, I'm just looking for options because a certain situation has cropped up that I'm trying to handle.  Thank you.

    coryandgraeme210 said:
    Yes I understand that, I understand the importance of letting other people know, and while it wouldn't bother me, it will clearly bother other people, EVERYONE on here has made that abundantly clear.  Thank you, I don't need anymore, everyone has been very helpful.  
    I'm genuinely curious:  you asked for advice, got advice, and then argued with the advice.  If you weren't seeking validation and weren't actually looking for advice, what was your objective here?  Just trying to figure this out.
    �
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  • pegasuskatpegasuskat member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    The day you get married IS your wedding day, no one was being harsh.  You can have a party to celebrate your marriage, and use all you plans, but you should be honest with everyone.  I don't think its a PPD if you call it what it is, not a wedding and if everybody knows the situation.
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  • AuntFloAuntFlo member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    I don't see the big deal in doing both. And I don't think it's necessary to keep it secret. 
    �
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  • themosthappy91themosthappy91 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    Ugh it's always so painful to watch these kinds of threads go down... I'm going to jump in here and try to address your problem as gently and truthfully as I can.

    First of all, I want to warn you that people on these boards have very strong feelings about the idea of getting legally married prior to the day of your wedding (and most would argue that no matter what you think about it, the day you get married IS the day of your wedding), so you should go forward knowing that if this is something you choose to pursue it is not going to be well-recieved here.  That goes double for keeping the fact that you're actually already married a secret.

    Think of it this way- lots of people CHOOSE to have a go-to-the-courthouse-and-sign-the-documents wedding, so it's kind of insulting to those people for you to act like that option isn't a "real wedding".  I'm 100% sure that you haven't even considered this angle and do not intend to come across as belittling of courthouse weddings, so that's just a little perspective into why many people are really sensitive about this.  Having a big "dream wedding" doesn't make your marriage any stronger or more real than the person who just decided to sign the paperwork at the courthouse, so that's what bothers people about this type of arrangement.  

    Additionally, you do say to you the actual marriage license is "just a piece of paper"- and again, let me assure you that I'm completely confident that you don't mean to be offensive when you say this.  But perhaps you might want to consider there are many people in this country who would LOVE to be able to sign that little piece of paper and be considered married in the eyes of society and the law, but they can't.  Though we're certainly making progress on marriage equality, it's far from universal and it can be very traumatic for someone who is being denied this basic recognition to stomach the fact that you put so little value in something that they can only dream of one day being able to have for themselves.  Does that make sense?

    Finally, you say that this is not something that you would choose to do if you didn't need to- to which everyone on here is going to respond that you always have a choice and you certainly don't NEED to do this.  There are many alternatives, even keeping in mind that you've already booked and paid for the wedding you were originally planning.  This far out, you could probably get most of your money back for whatever you've already paid deposits on, so that's an option.  Anything you've already purchased in full you can easily resell- there are many websites devoted to the sale and re-sale of wedding related items.  Recouping at least SOME of your expenses will help you be able to afford the additional visa- and the rest you can choose to simply take a loss on in the name of being honest and respectful.  I'm sure this option doesn't appeal to you, but it's still an option and you can't say you don't have a choice.

    If I were you, I would plan to continue with the event you originally planned but call it a vowel renewal instead of a wedding.  Many people on here will disagree on the appropriateness of reenacting various different aspects of a "traditional wedding"- whether it's okay to wear your wedding dress, have a wedding party, do a first dance etc.  Some people will think that's tacky, others will say it's fine- but I can promise you that all will agree that it's better than calling it a wedding when you are in fact already married.  

    The sad truth is that what a lot of people are going to take away from your post is that you aren't responsible enough to be getting married if you have prioritized planning and paying for your dream wedding over being able to afford your visas or having savings to support yourselves while one of you is unable to work.  It seems like you made some mistakes in planning and prioritizing here, but that's okay- we all do that at some point and luckily for you, you still have time to correct things!  I hope the perspectives I've offered here are helpful to you and I wish you all the luck going forward :).  


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  • NOLABridesmaidNOLABridesmaid member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I guess I don't understand why you can't say, "Guys, we had to have a legal ceremony before and will be celebrating with a reception in May 2015."
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  • DixieNormous330DixieNormous330 member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Or tell people you had a civil ceremony before hand and will be having a religious ceremony (if you are) and a party to celebrate in May of 2015.
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  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    NOLABridesmaid said:
    I guess I don't understand why you can't say, "Guys, we had to have a legal ceremony before and will be celebrating with a reception in May 2015."
    This. 

    If everything is booked and paid for, then why not just keep it that way and have a gorgeous, fun, celebration of marriage party! The invitations you send out will says something like "Join us in a celebration of our marriage" and then have a huge party with drinks, food, dancing, etc. Decorate the tables with flowers and even have the photographer on hand to capture the event. Maybe you'll lose on a deposit or two for any ceremony related items, but it's far less than you'll lose when people find out that you lied to them to have a pretty princess day. 

    As a side note, why do posters on here feel like their guests won't be understanding of difficult situations so they hide the truth? If you explain your visa problems and why you've chosen to get married prior to having a celebration, anyone who really loves you and supports you will understand and come to your party!

     







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  • rainbows0215rainbows0215 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    I agree with the person above I got legally married almost a year ago due to insurance issues, saying that we had already started planning a wedding. we are now going to have a celeberation of our marriage and they all know the truth and still support us.
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  • goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826 member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    It is perfectly okay to have a celebration of marriage.  A top secret wedding, however, is NOT okay.  Please don't start your marriage with lies to those closest to you.

    I have lurked and heard stories of guests that found out the wedding they attended several years in the past was a PPD and it bred anger and resentment.  People remember these things.

    You wouldn't have a child and celebrate a different birthday for them because that first birthday date didn't count.  

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

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  • smyatt1smyatt1 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited October 2014
     
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  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited October 2014
    6fsn said:
    Get legally married now.  Let people know.  Have a fancy party as you planned.  Just don't lie to people.

    This!  I have friends who have "two" anniversaries...  One is the date that a VERY small group of us gathered for her to obtain her legal citizenship through being legally married, the other was the date that they had the full church wedding ceremony (some would refer to it as vow renewal - but the official" wedding) in the UK with everyone invited.  Nothing at all about either of these ceremonies were "hidden" from anyone.  Legally married vs. sacrament was the distinction, but there was no hiding what was going on.  They've now been married 12+ years!

    Some of her feedback was that she wished that they had sprung for a professional photographer for the legal ceremony because the friend that took pictures - they turned out hazy (was a super humid conservatory and she was too much of an idiot to not realize when hand-focusing a camera you NEED your glasses on), and what's worse - she forgot to take a picture of JUST the bride/groom!  So they have zero pictures of just the two of them that day.

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  • knottie75e99fe4be548d97knottie75e99fe4be548d97 member
    Knottie Warrior 10 Comments First Answer 5 Love Its
    I think it's fine to do what is in your best interest.  It's not your responsibility to consider every possible feeling that might be hurt or *gasp* offended by you marrying earlier.  They are invited to your wedding & reception.  If you feel you want to keep the earlier date a secret, that's your call, but know that someone could possibly find out at some point.  I don't think letting guests know that would cause any of them not to come, but if it did, then did you really want that person there if they don't support you & your reasons for marrying earlier?  I know of two people that married before their "big" wedding (I still call it a wedding because it was planned out as a formal wedding event prior to the knowledge that getting married earlier would somehow benefit them as a couple) and both had to do with the military (either benefits or deployments).  One kept it quiet where some at the "big" wedding knew they were already married, and I don't know how the other one played out.  If you're "offended" as a guest by this, I suggest you put yourself in their shoes and realize they were planning the big event before they were faced with some opportunity.  You should do what makes sense for YOU - this is about YOU!
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  • delujm0delujm0 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper

    It sounds like you didn't plan this out well...but not much can be done about that now.  I would suggest getting legally married whenever you need to, but changing your "dream wedding" around a bit.  Many people on here believe that AS LONG AS YOU ARE HONEST WITH YOUR GUESTS you can do whatever you want.  I am one of those people that will completely side-eye your "ceremony" because it is fake, as you are already married at that point.  So, i might decide to not attend, especially if i am in the US and the wedding is in the UK.  Or i might decide that i don't care about the farce, because i love traveling to the UK and i love big parties where i get to eat and drink for free.  The important thing is that I GET TO CHOOSE beause you love me enough to give me truthful information up front.

     

    If i personally was in your position, i would get legally married now and cancel the "ceremony" portion of your "dream wedding."  I'd just have the reception portion, billed as a "celebration of your marriage" for your family and friends.  But again, as long as you are truthful with your guests, if you feel like you really need the "ceremony" go ahead and do it.

     

    And please stop saying things like "it's just a piece of paper."  there are a lot of people in this country who would do ANYTHING to get that piece of paper, but cannot do so because the state they live in doesn't recognize gay marriage.  do not trivialize the legal institution of marriage. 

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  • KarenofcourseKarenofcourse member
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments
    Go ahead and getting married due to the circumstances that only you have all the specifics on. Keep the date, venue, etc but on the invitations do not word it as a wedding since you will already be married. You only have one wedding to your Fiance and that is the day you get married, no matter where or when it is. Good luck!
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