Stressing...

Knottie11204885 · October 2014

NYCMercedes · October 2014

Knottie11204885 said:

My fiance and I recently got engaged after nearly 6 years together. My family is only able to contribute about $5,000 and my mom has made several snide remarks about how she feels his family should have to contribute just as much, if not more, because they are well off. His family is very traditional in how wedding expenses are divided and, in the past 5 years, have paid for both of their daughters to have weddings that ran about $30,000 each. I don't feel it's their responsibility to fork out more because my family is being stubborn about how expenses are to be divided. His parents already agreed to pay for the rehearsal dinner and the open bar and I feel like that's fair, as that's traditionally the groom's family's responsibility. My parents also feel like we should have to contribute the same amount as them, too. While we both have decent jobs, my mom doesn't seem to understand what $200,000 worth of students loans does to a couple's income (I received no help whatsoever from them with college). My fiance, who is very traditional like his parents, thinks it's ridiculous that my parents won't help out more with and balked at their suggestion that we pay for a good chunk of it ourselves. I agree with him because the fact of the matter is, they have the money -- they just don't want to give more than five grand. I'm frustrated and already wanting to just say screw it and go to city hall.

How do I make this budget work and how do I handle the resentment I'm feeling towards my parents?? I've waited to marry this man for so long and feel like my big day is already being rained on.

I fear this discussion may not be what you want to hear. Current thinking is that the B&G should not expect nor count on monetary gifts from anyone, that they pay for their own wedding, and that they should be grateful if anybody offers to pay for anything.

Jells2dot0 · October 2014

I agree with @NYCMercedes. While in the past wedding expenses tended to be divided between sets of parents, it's no longer what commonly occurs. This is because the kids are often marrying later, the kids are now usually working prior to getting married, and the idea of what a wedding is has changed. Weddings are no longer simple, well hosted affairs in the eyes of society. They are lavish parties with big price tags (NOTE: A wedding is any type of event where the couple legally weds, regardless of cost. It's just the perception of what they are has changed.)

So, if you as a couple want a larger, more lavish wedding, it's now expected that you should pay for what you want. Any contributions given by family are a gift of generosity and are not to be expected or demanded. How much your parents contribute is no ones' business and the same goes for his parents. If you can't afford a $30K wedding on your own, minus what your parents and his parents have already agreed to assist with, then you should look into alternative options that do work within budget. If your mom continues to push the issue, you can always just decline her money as well to keep her out of your plans. Remember, he who pays, gets a say!

Knottie11204885 · October 2014

I know, I probably sound like a brat. It's just that for years my parents have promised to pay for the wedding of my dreams, and now suddenly, they're back pedaling. And again, the snide remarks in regards to his family's income are unacceptable. Not to mention my mom has champagne taste on a coca-cola budget. She keeps telling vendors we intend on having a 200+ guest count but at $25 or so a head for food costs, that isn't possible! I feel like her understanding of wedding costs is zilch and she doesn't understand what a $5,000 budget really covers...

I don't care about having a big wedding. More than anything, I just want to be married to my best friend. But all of the rude comments regarding money from my parents are stressing me out.

plainjane0415 · October 2014

Knottie11204885 said:

My fiance and I recently got engaged after nearly 6 years together. My family is only able to contribute about $5,000 and my mom has made several snide remarks about how she feels his family should have to contribute just as much, if not more, because they are well off. His family is very traditional in how wedding expenses are divided and, in the past 5 years, have paid for both of their daughters to have weddings that ran about $30,000 each. I don't feel it's their responsibility to fork out more because my family is being stubborn about how expenses are to be divided. His parents already agreed to pay for the rehearsal dinner and the open bar and I feel like that's fair, as that's traditionally the groom's family's responsibility. My parents also feel like we should have to contribute the same amount as them, too. While we both have decent jobs, my mom doesn't seem to understand what $200,000 worth of students loans does to a couple's income (I received no help whatsoever from them with college). My fiance, who is very traditional like his parents, thinks it's ridiculous that my parents won't help out more with and balked at their suggestion that we pay for a good chunk of it ourselves. I agree with him because the fact of the matter is, they have the money -- they just don't want to give more than five grand. I'm frustrated and already wanting to just say screw it and go to city hall.

How do I make this budget work and how do I handle the resentment I'm feeling towards my parents?? I've waited to marry this man for so long and feel like my big day is already being rained on.

No one is obligated to pay for your wedding except you and your FI. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but if your parents offered $5,000 and that's all they can afford, then you really can't push it. Lots of couples here get NO help from their parents and have lovely weddings that they paid for themselves. It can be done. It just takes discipline, and setting a feasible budget early on and sticking with it.

As a side note, why did you think your parents would help you with the wedding? It sounds like they aren't really the type to shell out the money for stuff, so I don't know why you think this situation would be any different. When I turned 17, and got my first job, my parents told me that if I wanted any extras, or anything aside from health insurance I was to pay for it on my own. So I did, I have been completely independent from my parents since I was that age. When I got engaged, I expected NO help from them for the wedding expenses. My mom and dad have offered to pay for a few things here and there which have helped a ton, but I certainly never pressured them into anything.

Sorry for such a long winded post, I'm sorry that this isn't turning out how you expected it. The good news is, you have these boards to help you have a spectacular wedding on a budget that you can afford! Good luck.

plainjane0415 · October 2014

Knottie11204885 said:

I know, I probably sound like a brat. It's just that for years my parents have promised to pay for the wedding of my dreams, and now suddenly, they're back pedaling. And again, the snide remarks in regards to his family's income are unacceptable. Not to mention my mom has champagne taste on a coca-cola budget. She keeps telling vendors we intend on having a 200+ guest count but at $25 or so a head for food costs, that isn't possible! I feel like her understanding of wedding costs is zilch and she doesn't understand what a $5,000 budget really covers...

I don't care about having a big wedding. More than anything, I just want to be married to my best friend. But all of the rude comments regarding money from my parents are stressing me out.

I don't think you sound like a brat. It's tough when you think something is going to happen and it doesn't. The most important thing is that you're getting married!! Congrats!

NYCMercedes · October 2014

Knottie11204885 said:

I know, I probably sound like a brat. It's just that for years my parents have promised to pay for the wedding of my dreams, and now suddenly, they're back pedaling. And again, the snide remarks in regards to his family's income are unacceptable. Not to mention my mom has champagne taste on a coca-cola budget. She keeps telling vendors we intend on having a 200+ guest count but at $25 or so a head for food costs, that isn't possible! I feel like her understanding of wedding costs is zilch and she doesn't understand what a $5,000 budget really covers...

I don't care about having a big wedding. More than anything, I just want to be married to my best friend. But all of the rude comments regarding money from my parents are stressing me out.

If your mom thinks $5000 will pay for a fancy wedding, and if you are willing to let her make decisions about the party, then invite her to go venue shopping with you. This should open her eyes as to how far her contribution will stretch.

As far as her snide remarks re the groom's parents contribution, she just needs to butt out of what anybody else is paying for. Not her business. Would $5000 from them even cover the RD and open bar?

Where are you getting married? A high-cost city or a moderately-priced country town?

vulpiepop · October 2014

First off, congrats on your engagement!!

Monetary gifts are nice but the most important thing is that you're marrying the man you love! Whatever wedding you have will be amazing simply because of that reason.

My parents are also paying for our wedding and have given us a pretty tight budget, especially for the high-cost area we are in. We are grateful that they even offered to pay as we weren't expecting it and we were planning to elope. $5000 may not seem like a lot or enough for a nice wedding, and I agree that a tighter budget makes it a bit more difficult and thus can be more stressful, but you can have a gorgeous wedding for just that much if you plan well, take advantage of sales, and DIY some things that would be more costly to buy (note that DIY doesn't always mean cheaper, sometimes it's more expensive to make things yourself).

Have hope and keep your head up!

peachy13 · October 2014

Knottie11204885 said:

My fiance and I recently got engaged after nearly 6 years together. My family is only able to contribute about $5,000 and my mom has made several snide remarks about how she feels his family should have to contribute just as much, if not more, because they are well off. His family is very traditional in how wedding expenses are divided and, in the past 5 years, have paid for both of their daughters to have weddings that ran about $30,000 each. I don't feel it's their responsibility to fork out more because my family is being stubborn about how expenses are to be divided. His parents already agreed to pay for the rehearsal dinner and the open bar and I feel like that's fair, as that's traditionally the groom's family's responsibility. My parents also feel like we should have to contribute the same amount as them, too. While we both have decent jobs, my mom doesn't seem to understand what $200,000 worth of students loans does to a couple's income (I received no help whatsoever from them with college). My fiance, who is very traditional like his parents, thinks it's ridiculous that my parents won't help out more with and balked at their suggestion that we pay for a good chunk of it ourselves. I agree with him because the fact of the matter is, they have the money -- they just don't want to give more than five grand. I'm frustrated and already wanting to just say screw it and go to city hall.

How do I make this budget work and how do I handle the resentment I'm feeling towards my parents?? I've waited to marry this man for so long and feel like my big day is already being rained on.

Many people would be very thankful to receive any amount of money from their parents, let alone "only" $5,000, which can cover a lot of costs for your wedding. It is also extremely generous that your FI's family is covering the RD and open bar. As other PPs have said, no one is obligated to pay for your wedding, and you should truly be happy that your parents have offered up a contribution.

With that being said, of course it's stressful. I'm getting married in a year and my FI and I are taking care of most of our own wedding costs. After getting engaged, we opened up a joint savings account which we call our "wedding fund" and make regular deposits. To be honest sometimes it's hard (I'm not a great saver), no vacations, no big purchases, but in the end, we know we want to have a great party next year and know we have to work hard and save money.

I know it will all work out for you. Good luck!

blabla89 · October 2014

Knottie11204885 said:

I know, I probably sound like a brat. It's just that for years my parents have promised to pay for the wedding of my dreams, and now suddenly, they're back pedaling. And again, the snide remarks in regards to his family's income are unacceptable. Not to mention my mom has champagne taste on a coca-cola budget. She keeps telling vendors we intend on having a 200+ guest count but at $25 or so a head for food costs, that isn't possible! I feel like her understanding of wedding costs is zilch and she doesn't understand what a $5,000 budget really covers...

I don't care about having a big wedding. More than anything, I just want to be married to my best friend. But all of the rude comments regarding money from my parents are stressing me out.

You're right that snide remarks about your FI's family are unacceptable. How much money they have, and what they are or aren't contributing, is none of your parents' business. If that's stressing you out, then tell your mom you don't feel comfortable discussing what your FILs are contributing, and that you don't appreciate her talking negatively about them. Wedding stuff sometimes causes friction between families. Don't worry - it will pass and your wedding day won't be ruined.

Whether or not she understands what a $5000 budget covers, that is an extremely generous gift, no matter how much money they have. However, whoever pays gets a say, so if you accept that money, know that there may be strings attached.

JCbride2015 · October 2014

$5000 is a lot of money. Focus on what you ARE getting rather than what you aren't. No, you don't sound like a brat, just disappointed. Let yourself feel those feelings and then move on. Try to be grateful for that money instead of wishing it was more.

sarahjane222 · October 2014

I don't know if you've booked everything already or not, but it sounds like you need to scale down so that you're having a wedding that you can afford. Gone are the days that parents are required to pay for their kids to get married. Personally, I felt a bit awkward when my fiance's parents gave him a $5000 check to put toward our wedding. Yes, the money is needed but I also feel like we decided to throw a big wedding, so we should be the ones having to pay for it (I also don't want to relinquish any decision-making power!).

artbyallie · October 2014

You could of course turn down your parents' money and plan the wedding you and your groom can afford. Perhaps that means just parents invited and dinner at a restaurant after the ceremony. That can still be a very nice wedding.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

Unfortunatley you have to suck it up & deal with it. You have to make your wedding work based on what his parents are willing pay, the $5,000 your parents stated they would give you, plus what you can save up yourself. You may not be having the big wedding of your dreams. Parents aren't required to give their kids a wedding of their dreams on mom & dads bill. I know personally I would have been excited about $5000. That would have paid for about half of my wedding. Remember, your wedding is your wedding, you don't have to match what his sisters did.

Viczaesar · October 2014

Knottie11204885 said:

My fiance and I recently got engaged after nearly 6 years together. My family is only able to contribute about $5,000 and my mom has made several snide remarks about how she feels his family should have to contribute just as much, if not more, because they are well off. His family is very traditional in how wedding expenses are divided and, in the past 5 years, have paid for both of their daughters to have weddings that ran about $30,000 each. I don't feel it's their responsibility to fork out more because my family is being stubborn about how expenses are to be divided. His parents already agreed to pay for the rehearsal dinner and the open bar and I feel like that's fair, as that's traditionally the groom's family's responsibility. My parents also feel like we should have to contribute the same amount as them, too. While we both have decent jobs, my mom doesn't seem to understand what $200,000 worth of students loans does to a couple's income (I received no help whatsoever from them with college). My fiance, who is very traditional like his parents, thinks it's ridiculous that my parents won't help out more with and balked at their suggestion that we pay for a good chunk of it ourselves. I agree with him because the fact of the matter is, they have the money -- they just don't want to give more than five grand. I'm frustrated and already wanting to just say screw it and go to city hall.

How do I make this budget work and how do I handle the resentment I'm feeling towards my parents?? I've waited to marry this man for so long and feel like my big day is already being rained on.

You've got to be fucking kidding me. Your fiance balked at paying for HIS OWN wedding? The ONLY people responsible for paying for you and your fiance's wedding is the two of you. That's it.

atlastmrsg · October 2014

A compromise could be a very small but lavish wedding. With a small guest count--say 40-50 (maybe less)--you could spend to have the food, champagne, etc. you want.

Not to mention, you skip some potential drama, logistics, etc. I'm convinced small weddings rock. You don't have to do seating charts for 200 people, collect all their RSVPs, etc.

Whatever your budget is--say $5,000--you can spend a lot more per head at 40 guests than 200. Or even come in under budget and put the money you and FI would have to spend on this towards your loans. If you just want to marry him, you don't need a 200 person spectacle, right?

Story aside: I've been to a lot of weddings. Lavish ones at fancy hotels with filets and lobster. Medium ones with really terrible pasta buffets. My favorite was the smallest wedding I went to--there were maybe six tables at the reception. A friend rented a beach house in the Outer Banks. The dinner was fun--each table had a different cake or pie, so if you didn't like Italian cream cake or pumpkin pie, you just traded with the table next to you. The food was nice because the chef on site didn't have to make a ton of it--crab cakes, etc. They cleared the kitchen of table, chairs, etc. and set up a 5-piece band. We danced the night away in the kitchen of this rental house. The few guests who didn't know each other were friends by the end of the night. Awesome wedding. Less than 40 guests.

plainjane0415 · October 2014

atlastmrsg said:

A compromise could be a very small but lavish wedding. With a small guest count--say 40-50 (maybe less)--you could spend to have the food, champagne, etc. you want.

Not to mention, you skip some potential drama, logistics, etc. I'm convinced small weddings rock. You don't have to do seating charts for 200 people, collect all their RSVPs, etc.

Whatever your budget is--say $5,000--you can spend a lot more per head at 40 guests than 200. Or even come in under budget and put the money you and FI would have to spend on this towards your loans. If you just want to marry him, you don't need a 200 person spectacle, right?

Story aside: I've been to a lot of weddings. Lavish ones at fancy hotels with filets and lobster. Medium ones with really terrible pasta buffets. My favorite was the smallest wedding I went to--there were maybe six tables at the reception. A friend rented a beach house in the Outer Banks. The dinner was fun--each table had a different cake or pie, so if you didn't like Italian cream cake or pumpkin pie, you just traded with the table next to you. The food was nice because the chef on site didn't have to make a ton of it--crab cakes, etc. They cleared the kitchen of table, chairs, etc. and set up a 5-piece band. We danced the night away in the kitchen of this rental house. The few guests who didn't know each other were friends by the end of the night. Awesome wedding. Less than 40 guests.

Same for me! We went to a wedding at Hilton Head Island and it was very small, maybe 40-50 guests, the wedding was in off peak season, so the Island was not overcrowded, the weather was perfect and we all had a blast at the wedding. Felt like we had the island all to ourselves for the wedding.. It was so fun!

klk111415 · October 2014

I say work with what you can and try to save as much as possible for the wedding. We are paying for our wedding on our own and not getting married until next November. We got an amazing discount for having a daytime off season wedding. If you need time to save up, that won't be such a bad thing to wait a little longer. Also, you mentioned that you both have a lot of student loans... my fiance and I are in the same boat and actually figured out that once we get married, the student loan interest tax deduction will be cut in half (you can only claim $2,500 together rather than $2,500 each) So getting married is going to hurt us a little bit financially... Not many people consider that whole side of things.

annakay511 · October 2014

That is super sucky! Its crappy your mom is being so nasty about things. I think, unfortunately, you are going to have to readjust your expectations and just expect that your parents won't be helping you

[Deleted User] · November 2014

atlastmrsg said:

A compromise could be a very small but lavish wedding. With a small guest count--say 40-50 (maybe less)--you could spend to have the food, champagne, etc. you want.

Not to mention, you skip some potential drama, logistics, etc. I'm convinced small weddings rock. You don't have to do seating charts for 200 people, collect all their RSVPs, etc.

Whatever your budget is--say $5,000--you can spend a lot more per head at 40 guests than 200. Or even come in under budget and put the money you and FI would have to spend on this towards your loans. If you just want to marry him, you don't need a 200 person spectacle, right?

Story aside: I've been to a lot of weddings. Lavish ones at fancy hotels with filets and lobster. Medium ones with really terrible pasta buffets. My favorite was the smallest wedding I went to--there were maybe six tables at the reception. A friend rented a beach house in the Outer Banks. The dinner was fun--each table had a different cake or pie, so if you didn't like Italian cream cake or pumpkin pie, you just traded with the table next to you. The food was nice because the chef on site didn't have to make a ton of it--crab cakes, etc. They cleared the kitchen of table, chairs, etc. and set up a 5-piece band. We danced the night away in the kitchen of this rental house. The few guests who didn't know each other were friends by the end of the night. Awesome wedding. Less than 40 guests.

Beautiful reply! I've been working on coming to terms with the fact that I'm probably going to have to have a small wedding because of the budget. It's posts like these that really help me feel better about the situation. Plus, it's just nice to know that there are TONS of other people who are struggling with the same things. None of us are alone!

MGP · November 2014

Viczaesar said:

Knottie11204885 said:

My fiance, who is very traditional like his parents, thinks it's ridiculous that my parents won't help out more with and balked at their suggestion that we pay for a good chunk of it ourselves. I agree with him because the fact of the matter is, they have the money -- they just don't want to give more than five grand. I'm frustrated and already wanting to just say screw it and go to city hall.

You've got to be fucking kidding me. Your fiance balked at paying for HIS OWN wedding? The ONLY people responsible for paying for you and your fiance's wedding is the two of you. That's it.

All of the bolded concerns me.

The first sentence sounds like a FI problem. So he expects others to pay for the wedding. What is next, expecting others to pay for cribs and baby strollers when you decide to have kids? What is after that, expecting others to pay for vacations and cars? Your decisions = your financial responsibility. Learn it quick.

The second part pretty much infuriates me. I rarely curse (on these boards at least) but I have to say it is NEVER your fucking business or decision what your parents do with their money. Ever. So what if they said they were going to pay for everything? They have every right to withdraw that offer and you know what I would too if my daughter's fiancé acted like an asshat and showed that much entitlement towards his future in laws. You can make any assumption you want about what they can or should be able to afford, but it's their money. Not your money = not your decision.

Look, this is a diverse group that posts on these boards so I would say the age range of the parents of most posters are in their 40's to their 70's. That is the prime age range whose financial situations and retirement plans have been decimated by the downturn in the economy the last few years. Did many of those people plan on paying in full for things like college educations and weddings? I am sure they did. But if it's not possible they have to scale back or not contribute at all. I am sure that hurts them, and then to hear their adult children whine about it makes me want to poke my eyes out.

So take your $5000 and be thankful.

Rant over. Thanks for listening.

princessleia22 · November 2014

austynnblairr said:

atlastmrsg said:

A compromise could be a very small but lavish wedding. With a small guest count--say 40-50 (maybe less)--you could spend to have the food, champagne, etc. you want.

Not to mention, you skip some potential drama, logistics, etc. I'm convinced small weddings rock. You don't have to do seating charts for 200 people, collect all their RSVPs, etc.

Whatever your budget is--say $5,000--you can spend a lot more per head at 40 guests than 200. Or even come in under budget and put the money you and FI would have to spend on this towards your loans. If you just want to marry him, you don't need a 200 person spectacle, right?

Story aside: I've been to a lot of weddings. Lavish ones at fancy hotels with filets and lobster. Medium ones with really terrible pasta buffets. My favorite was the smallest wedding I went to--there were maybe six tables at the reception. A friend rented a beach house in the Outer Banks. The dinner was fun--each table had a different cake or pie, so if you didn't like Italian cream cake or pumpkin pie, you just traded with the table next to you. The food was nice because the chef on site didn't have to make a ton of it--crab cakes, etc. They cleared the kitchen of table, chairs, etc. and set up a 5-piece band. We danced the night away in the kitchen of this rental house. The few guests who didn't know each other were friends by the end of the night. Awesome wedding. Less than 40 guests.

Beautiful reply! I've been working on coming to terms with the fact that I'm probably going to have to have a small wedding because of the budget. It's posts like these that really help me feel better about the situation. Plus, it's just nice to know that there are TONS of other people who are struggling with the same things. None of us are alone!

I had 25 guests at my wedding and it was AWESOME. I actually had time to talk to and hang out with each of my guests at the reception. It was very laid back, low stress, and everyone had a great time. We could have afforded a larger wedding, but we just didn't want that (saving money was a great bonus though). I've been to big weddings, but I love the personal, intimate feeling that comes with a small wedding. True, it's a pain when deciding the guest list and narrowing it down. But, if you limit it to those that you REALLY want/need there, the people that you would be devastated if they weren't there, then you should be fine. And for anyone else, they typically understand not getting an invite if you have a small wedding. If people ask (they shouldn't, but they will) about their invite, just say you decided on a small wedding with just your closest people... most people understand and are fine with it. It's a lot harder to explain why someone didn't get invited when you invited 200 other people.

For OP, I think others covered it pretty well. Nobody else is responsible for paying for your wedding. And if you can't afford a big wedding, don't have a big wedding. You and FI need to sit down and determine what you can afford, then talk to your mom and tell her you can afford ___ amount of money and ____ number of guests for your wedding. You need to tell FI that it's not your parents responsibility to pay for everything. Traditionally, when brides parents started paying for weddings, it was a small event, often at their home. It's ridiculous to force parents to pay for big extravagant events. If you can't contribute anything, then you plan a $5000 wedding... people accomplish that often on this site. If you really want a bigger event, you wait a couple years and save your own money for it. Get a second job. It all depends on what you want and how badly you want it.

And you mentioned that your parents don't understand your financial situation with your loans and such. That may be true. Then you complained that they have the money, but just don't want to spend it. You probably don't know all the details about their finances either though. Yes, they may have savings, but that may be their retirement fund and it would be irresponsible to spend it all on a big party. Maybe they have other expenses you aren't aware of. You have no right to judge how they choose to spend (or not spend) their money any more than they have to judge your money.

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