She Won't Buy the Dress...

alaumann · October 2014

My fiance has a groomsmaid standing on his side. We decided to put her in the same dress as the bridesmaids but in black so that everything will look cohesive. We picked the dresses and she agreed to it 3 months ago. Now she says that she can't afford it, even though it is only a $100 dress. Should I fight it? I understand that doesn't have much money, but she knew the price of the dress months ago. Do my fiance and I need to pay for it? Should I let her wear a black dress that doesn't match the bridesmaids? I don't know anyone who has had this situation, so I need some opinions! Thanks!

blues28 · October 2014

Is she comfortable wearing dresses? Maybe she would prefer wearing pants, something similar to what the groomsmen are wearing. I know that I prefer and am more comfortable in pants. Just a thought.

JaxInBlue · October 2014

Did you or your FI talk with her privately about her budget for attire before you picked out the dress? Did she have a chance to try on the dress or look at it before a final decision was made?

If you gave her the opportunity to set the budget, and you stuck to her budget, then I think you have some flexibility to talk with her. Maybe you could pay for part of the dress and let her pay what is comfortable. Maybe she can find the dress or one very similar used on a site like eBay or Once Wed. If there is enough time to order before she would face rush fees, maybe she could wait a little bit longer. Or, if the dress isn't that important to you, you could let her wear a black dress she has already or could find more cheaply.

However, if she did not have a say in the cost, then I think your only option is to buy the dress for her or to agree that she can wear a black dress of her own choosing. And, ultimately, only $100 can still be $100 too much if someone's priorities change. It's not fun to remember, but your wedding will not be anyone else's priority. It may be that she needs that $100 for groceries or gas or bills or just to hold in savings. That's okay. It will be fine if her dress is different from those standing on your side.

CMGragain · October 2014

Daughter paid for her MOH's dress for financial reasons. It was important for her to have her friend standing next to her on her wedding day. Totally worth it!

MairePoppy · October 2014

No, you shouldn't fight it. Since she's in your fi's wedding party, he should try to work it out with her. Finances may have changed after she agreed to buy the dress, so try to be understanding. It would be fine for her wear a black dress that she already owns. If it's important to you that she wear the dress you have chosen, then fi should offer to split the cost with her. This should be a private matter between fi and his gm.

jynxiie · October 2014

We paid for one of our groomsmen's attire... He couldn't afford groceries so there was no way I was going to ask him to pay for his suit.

You never know what someone is going through, ask them.

If it's really important to you, I'd buy the dress.

Since she's not a bridesmaid though, she really could wear anything and it would be fine. A black dress that she already owns would also work.

LittlePeachBlossom · October 2014

I say leave it be and let her wear any black dress.

cowgirl8238 · October 2014

JaxInBlue said:

Did you or your FI talk with her privately about her budget for attire before you picked out the dress? Did she have a chance to try on the dress or look at it before a final decision was made?

If you gave her the opportunity to set the budget, and you stuck to her budget, then I think you have some flexibility to talk with her. Maybe you could pay for part of the dress and let her pay what is comfortable. Maybe she can find the dress or one very similar used on a site like eBay or Once Wed. If there is enough time to order before she would face rush fees, maybe she could wait a little bit longer. Or, if the dress isn't that important to you, you could let her wear a black dress she has already or could find more cheaply.

However, if she did not have a say in the cost, then I think your only option is to buy the dress for her or to agree that she can wear a black dress of her own choosing. And, ultimately, only $100 can still be $100 too much if someone's priorities change. It's not fun to remember, but your wedding will not be anyone else's priority. It may be that she needs that $100 for groceries or gas or bills or just to hold in savings. That's okay. It will be fine if her dress is different from those standing on your side.

THIS is my advice!!!
Ultimatly I would just let her choose her own black dress that matches formality/length and call it a day (i.e. long vs short)

southernbelle0915 · October 2014

If she can't afford it, how would you propose "fighting it"? You can't tell her to make money appear where there is none. Plus, presumably she's a good friend or she wouldn't be in the WP. Friends don't make friends feel uncomfortable about money.

Just let her wear any black dress she wants.

atlastmrsg · October 2014

If you're going to look at the photos and be upset that she doesn't match, get ready to pony up for the dress.

The wedding party members like her baffle me. If I committed to something for any of the weddings I've been in, I'd put it on my Visa before reneging.

doeydo · October 2014

Groomsmaids who wore different dresses than the bridal party:

abbyj700 · October 2014

atlastmrsg said:

If you're going to look at the photos and be upset that she doesn't match, get ready to pony up for the dress.

The wedding party members like her baffle me. If I committed to something for any of the weddings I've been in, I'd put it on my Visa before reneging.

I'd be the same - but guess what? Sometimes shit happens.

My fiance got laid off last fall. He was out of work for 3 months, and unemployment never came through. I had just quit my job and started consulting - where my clients were all paying - but VERY slow to do so in some cases. If I had committed to buying a specific dress and then all of this happened - it could have changed things. We never quite really know what people are going through if we don't ask. And even sometimes if we do.

MegEn1 · October 2014

So legitimate question.

We often talk about this on TK - a BM's responsibilities are to show up, on time, sober, in the dress. But what if she doesn't do those things? She just - oops! - can't find a dress. How do people recommend that is handled? I can see it actually happening, some flakey BM is like "Oh, I couldn't find anything in navy so I got maroon instead - it's your other color it's fine right?" on the day of the wedding.

What's a bride to do in that scenario? Or what about if a BM gets a bit drunk?

southernbelle0915 · October 2014

MegEn1 said:

So legitimate question.

We often talk about this on TK - a BM's responsibilities are to show up, on time, sober, in the dress. But what if she doesn't do those things? She just - oops! - can't find a dress. How do people recommend that is handled? I can see it actually happening, some flakey BM is like "Oh, I couldn't find anything in navy so I got maroon instead - it's your other color it's fine right?" on the day of the wedding.

What's a bride to do in that scenario? Or what about if a BM gets a bit drunk?

Sure, if someone doesn't show up in certain attire, you could say "they take themselves out of the wedding." If one of my BMs forgot her dress, or neglected to buy it I could have told her to sit it out. But they were all special enough for me to ask them to be in the wedding, so in the big scheme of things, their clothing wasn't really that important.

Let me tell you a story.

My uncle - one of our readers - showed up in black jeans, a tshirt, a worn out blazer, tennis shoes and a baseball cap. The day of, he asked me if I could write out the reading for him in big letters because he forgot it and his reading glasses. The Day. Of. It was exactly "him". He was my favorite person in the entire world. He died 5 months later on Christmas Eve. Am I glad I didn't throw a bridezilla fit and tell him to forget the reading? Or give a flying fuck what he wore or ask him to take off his baseball cap? You bet.

MegEn1 · October 2014

southernbelle0915 said:

MegEn1 said:

So legitimate question.

We often talk about this on TK - a BM's responsibilities are to show up, on time, sober, in the dress. But what if she doesn't do those things? She just - oops! - can't find a dress. How do people recommend that is handled? I can see it actually happening, some flakey BM is like "Oh, I couldn't find anything in navy so I got maroon instead - it's your other color it's fine right?" on the day of the wedding.

What's a bride to do in that scenario? Or what about if a BM gets a bit drunk?

Sure, if someone doesn't show up in certain attire, you could say "they take themselves out of the wedding." If one of my BMs forgot her dress, or neglected to buy it I could have told her to sit it out. But they were all special enough for me to ask them to be in the wedding, so in the big scheme of things, their clothing wasn't really that important.

Let me tell you a story.

My uncle - one of our readers - showed up in black jeans, a tshirt, a worn out blazer, tennis shoes and a baseball cap. The day of, he asked me if I could write out the reading for him in big letters because he forgot it and his reading glasses. The Day. Of. It was exactly "him". He was my favorite person in the entire world. He died 5 months later on Christmas Eve. Am I glad I didn't throw a bridezilla fit and tell him to forget the reading? Or give a flying fuck what he wore or ask him to take off his baseball cap? You bet.

I'd like to say I could be that chill if a BM opted out of the dress or whatever, but ... I don't know. It's not about the pictures, it's just very disrespectful to me. You had ONE thing to do that you agreed to as part of one of the most special days of my life. And you couldn't be bothered, find the time, etc. ... at that point it just seems so hurtful that she wouldn't respect me enough on my wedding day to be dressed, sober, and on time. Granted, on the wedding day everyone says 'that stuff ceases to matter' and I've never had a wedding day so I don't know. But it just seems like ... ouch. I'd be hurt.

southernbelle0915 · October 2014

MegEn1 said:
I'd like to say I could be that chill if a BM opted out of the dress or whatever, but ... I don't know. It's not about the pictures, it's just very disrespectful to me. You had ONE thing to do that you agreed to as part of one of the most special days of my life. And you couldn't be bothered, find the time, etc. ... at that point it just seems so hurtful that she wouldn't respect me enough on my wedding day to be dressed, sober, and on time. Granted, on the wedding day everyone says 'that stuff ceases to matter' and I've never had a wedding day so I don't know. But it just seems like ... ouch. I'd be hurt.

Yea, I can see being hurt. I'd probably be hurt, too.

But I think it's all about how you react to it and the consequences of that. If you react graciously, you didn't burn a bridge and you have the option to continue the friendship later on or not. Maybe you decide not to. But if you snap, you might not have that choice.

Here's a quote that I try (not always successfully, but I try) to live by:

"The longer I love, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church....a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes.”
― Charles R. Swindoll

cowgirl8238 · October 2014

MegEn1 said:

So legitimate question.

We often talk about this on TK - a BM's responsibilities are to show up, on time, sober, in the dress. But what if she doesn't do those things? She just - oops! - can't find a dress. How do people recommend that is handled? I can see it actually happening, some flakey BM is like "Oh, I couldn't find anything in navy so I got maroon instead - it's your other color it's fine right?" on the day of the wedding.

What's a bride to do in that scenario? Or what about if a BM gets a bit drunk?

I'm not sure if there is one single consensus on this one. But here are my thoughts...

Personally, if the BM legit forgot her dress I would be much more forgiving then if she just blew it off altogether. Accidents happen, and if she had forgot the dress I wouldn't change a thing. However if she didn't have enough respect of our relationship to buy the dress in the first place, odds are I wouldn't want to continue that friendship anyway. But that's just me...I am the type to choose a few close friends over a larger group of 'regular' friends, and the lack of purchase would be a friendship ending move in my book.

When it comes to being on time, I would say "the show must go on!" I would maybe wait up to 10 minutes for someone, after that its your own damn fault. I wouldn't go crazy or say anything....just quietly go on like they weren't missing. Then afterwards I might asses. I think the key factor here would be communication. If she said, hey so sorry I'm running late NBD...if she goes MIA well after the wedding we would be having a conversation!

As far as the sober part...well that would just reflect poorly on them, and as long as they can still walk down the aisle, I wouldn't stop them. If they couldn't keep off the stuff before the wedding that's there problem, not mine. No one will judge me if my friend was drunk so this is a NBD in my book...

Finally, when it comes to not smiling, I guess what can you do? Again, if you want to end the friendship you could always just tell them to leave, but hell I couldn't have told you if any of the people were or were not smiling...I never noticed once!!! I have looked through my photos and yeah, some of the ones from the ceremony, my friends had weird/not smily faces, but so what! At least they smiled in the posed photos later on. Plus my photog was good about on the spot reviewing shots to make sure they came out well.

knottie75e99fe4be548d97 · October 2014

I guess I just don't understand how some of these situations even develop. I would NEVER have a BM that I didn't trust to follow through and get the dress. I hate being let down so people like that don't play a huge part in my life. As for this situation, I'd sit down alone with this girl (or have your FI) and ask what the deal is (in much nicer words). If this person was close enough to make your bridal party, I would expect they'd give an honest response. If they can't, then I circle back to why they were included in the party in the first place. I would think an honest response could steer you in the direction of resolution (whether it be purchasing the dress or her having one she can use). Plus, it makes it easier for the road ahead to know where she's coming from.

MyNameIsNot · October 2014

It depends on how this dress budget came about. Did you ask her for a budget and she said $100, or did you ask her if $100 was ok and she said yes? If it's the former, your FI is within his rights to tell her she'll need to figure out a way to buy the dress. If it's the latter, you (collectively with your FI) need to pay for the dress or give her another option. Of course, if it's the former and her inability to afford it is now the result of some unforeseen circumstances, you'll probably want to do your best to work with her anyway.

$100 for a dress seems very small to you, when you are probably spending thousands on a hugely important day. $100 may seem unreasonable and really significant to a friend who may see the dress as a single use item. If you really feel that $100 is so inexpensive, you should be able to easily cover it for her.

She Won't Buy the Dress...

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