Pre-wedding Parties

Shower etiquette- guests?

I'm having 1 bridesmaid, my OOT sister, for our less than 40 person wedding. A very close friend surprised me that she is planning to throw my shower with the help of her mom (my mentor), my mom, and my sister. Friend wants to invite people to the shower that are not invited to the wedding saying (I kid you not) "you'll get more gifts this way, and people will feel like they're involved in the wedding." I've told my mom and my sister that I do not want anyone who isn't invited to the wedding to be invited to the shower. Should I make myself clearer to friend or trust my sister and mom to handle any potential etiquette faux pas? TIA!

Re: Shower etiquette- guests?

  • duckie1905duckie1905 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I think if they insist on inviting guests to the shower that aren't being invited to the wedding you should politely decline the offer for a shower.
  • edited December 2011
    I agree with Duckie.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Ditto Duckie.  I told a shower hostess who was throwing one of my showers, "I'm not comfortable attending if guests will be there who are not invited to the wedding."
  • DaisyLoveBDaisyLoveB member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think the only situation where inviting non-guests would be ok is if you are having a very small DW ... for example, friends of mine got married in the islands, but only had their immediate families and a small WP attend the wedding. A few weeks before they left, the MOH held more of a party than a shower at her home, but it co-ed with plenty of cocktails. Opening presents was more of a side thing and no one was paying attention to be honest. They invited friends and family who were not invited to the wedding (DH and i were not invited) but I wasn't offended in that situation.
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_shower-etiquette-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:d4335743-5635-49f5-ae73-a0d33d684e32Post:75749072-4480-4318-b287-6f48a7454214">Re: Shower etiquette- guests?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think the only situation where inviting non-guests would be ok is if you are having a very small DW ... for example, friends of mine got married in the islands, but only had their immediate families and a small WP attend the wedding. A few weeks before they left, the MOH held more of a party than a shower at her home, but it co-ed with plenty of cocktails. Opening presents was more of a side thing and no one was paying attention to be honest. They invited friends and family who were not invited to the wedding (DH and i were not invited) but I wasn't offended in that situation.
    Posted by DaisyLoveB[/QUOTE]

    That's completely incorrect.

    If you're having a small DW then you have a small shower as well.  No one invited to a pre-wedding party  should be  on the guest list because she ISN'T on the wedding guest list.

    Some will say that if you're having a DW with a huge AHR then the larger shower is OK.  The jury is out on that though.  Some still find that practice distasteful.
  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_shower-etiquette-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:d4335743-5635-49f5-ae73-a0d33d684e32Post:75749072-4480-4318-b287-6f48a7454214">Re: Shower etiquette- guests?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think the only situation where inviting non-guests would be ok is if you are having a very small DW ... for example, friends of mine got married in the islands, but only had their immediate families and a small WP attend the wedding. A few weeks before they left, the MOH held more of a party than a shower at her home, but it co-ed with plenty of cocktails. Opening presents was more of a side thing and no one was paying attention to be honest. They invited friends and family who were not invited to the wedding (DH and i were not invited) but I wasn't offended in that situation.
    Posted by DaisyLoveB[/QUOTE]

    Very bad advice here.  The couple made the CHOICE to have a very small DW.  No one forced them into that choice.

    And choices come with consequences.  And the consequence of a very small DW is that IF you have a shower at all, it would be a very small shower, keeping with the guest list.

    If I were invited to a shower for someone and I knew I wasn't being invited to their wedding, I'd decline.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_shower-etiquette-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:d4335743-5635-49f5-ae73-a0d33d684e32Post:46ccf123-81cc-4156-ae71-adb4e3f1c7b8">Re: Shower etiquette- guests?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Shower etiquette- guests? : That's completely incorrect. If you're having a small DW then you have a small shower as well.  No one invited to a pre-wedding party  should be  on the guest list because she ISN'T on the wedding guest list. Some will say that if you're having a DW with a huge AHR then the larger shower is OK.  The jury is out on that though.  Some still find that practice distasteful.
    Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

    Some find small DWs with AHRs distasteful. ;-)

    OP, I would ask them how many people they intend to host and then give them a guest list (of wedding guests) that is that long. Like, if they say 30, hand them a list of 30 people. If she brings it up, tell her that "so-and-so isn't invited to the wedding, so we really can't invite her."
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Msmerymac, that's exactly my point.

    They're not my favorite.


  • edited December 2011
    AHRs defeat the purpose of a small DW, IMO.
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  • edited December 2011
    lizzie - you are on point with not wanting guests at the shower that aren't invited to the wedding.  stick with your gut!
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