Mom has me in tears: update

decembergrl2014 · October 2014

This morning I emailed my mother and told her that I would be stopping by to get the dress, shoes and everything for tomorrow, and that I would be going to the fitting with my friends or by myself and to not try to stop me. On the way home I stopped at their house and got everything. Luckily they weren't home. I came home and started texting some friends to see if anyone wants to come to the fitting, and have lunch beforehand. Two friends are coming. Then my phone goes off and my mother emails me back apologizing. This actually made me angrier! She had to apologize through email??!! How passive-aggressive is that??!! I called her and told her how hurt she had me last night, and that I spent the rest of the night crying. She wanted to know if I told FI what happened, and what his response was, so I told her. (Sounds like she has doubts about him, but I don't know why.) then I tell her that I'm making plans with my friends to go to the fitting tomorrow with my friends, because she hurt me so badly last night. Her response, "Fine". So I said, "Fine", also, and hung up on her again. I'm very grateful that my friends are there for me. One of my other friends can't make it because she has to work (she's a nurse), but I'm seeing her tomorrow night. It'll be great to see my friends tomorrow, but it will feel weird not having my mom there. She was with me when I picked out the dress. It's only the first fitting, so I know she can come to the others, but it's still going to feel like a missing piece of the puzzle. Maybe I'll just ask my friends to get me drunk when we have lunch! LOL!

sarawifenow · October 2014

Wow what the hell is up with your mom? Has she always been like this?

falsara · October 2014

At least she knows how you feel now. I can't believe that she thought that the appropriate way to apologize to you was through email. That does not fly.

Have fun with your friends tomorrow and enjoy the moment.

KatieinBkln · October 2014

I mean, you emailed her about gathering your things, so maybe she just thought she should respond in kind?

Either way, it sounds like a pretty half-assed apology if she came back with a terse "Fine" when you called her. But given that we can't force other people to change, my advice for you is to take a deep breath, spend time with your friends, and wait till you are totally cool before you approach your mom again. It seems like she is not particularly willing to be calm and grown up about this, so it looks like you'll have to take her share for the foreseeable future. Emotions are still running high, so maybe she'll come to her senses properly if you two take a little break from each other. (Like, a day or two. I am NOT advocating silent treatment or anything like that).

decembergrl2014 · October 2014

SaraBrideSoon said:

Wow what the hell is up with your mom? Has she always been like this?

My mom has always been more thick skinned. I'm more sensitive like my father. In her eyes she probably thinks I'm overreacting and that an apology through email is sufficient. Unfortunately for her, she still hasn't understood after knowing me for 37 years that I'm not like her in that respect. I do know that she wants the best for me and she doesn't want to see me go through another divorce, but she's going about it in the wrong way.

theartistformerlyknownas · October 2014

If it makes you feel any better, my mom didn't come to any of my fittings. I went by myself for the first one, brought FMIL for the second because I thought it would make her happy, and my dad came to the last one because I was really excited for him to see my dress.

My mom, step-mom and two sisters were there when I bought the dress; I didn't see any need for them to come again. You don't need to recreate that experience again so try not to romanticize it too much in your head.

decembergrl2014 · October 2014

@lolo883 ‌ I know, but I guess the traditionalist and sentimentalist in me thinks different. I don't have sisters, FSIL or FMIL. (FI's mother passed away 16 years ago), so all I really have is my mother. Since she's decided to be a bitch, I have my friends. I'll try to focus on who is there, rather than who isn't.

theartistformerlyknownas · October 2014

I can understand that, but a fitting really isn't anything to be sentimental about. Your dress probably won't fit very well at the first one anyway. Try to see it as a task that needs to be done rather than a milestone.

beethery · October 2014

lolo883 said:

I can understand that, but a fitting really isn't anything to be sentimental about. Your dress probably won't fit very well at the first one anyway. Try to see it as a task that needs to be done rather than a milestone.

I agree with this.

penguin44 · October 2014

beethery said:

lolo883 said:

I can understand that, but a fitting really isn't anything to be sentimental about. Your dress probably won't fit very well at the first one anyway. Try to see it as a task that needs to be done rather than a milestone.

I agree with this.

I never had anyone come with me to my fittings. It didn't seem like an emotional event. Unless it was too small. Then it would probably be emotional. Haha.

But really I didn't want a bunch of people seeing me in my dress before the wedding. I wanted it to be a surprise. My mom lives 5 hours away, so she couldn't come to a lot of things.

decembergrl2014 · October 2014

I understand what you're saying. Maybe I'm watching SYTTD too much, lol.

I'm still hurt though, not only what my mother said, but her passive aggressive approach to an apology.

Thank you for your help, everyone!

theartistformerlyknownas · October 2014

Yeah your mom's comments were still 1000000% out of line. I'd ust hate to see you let then affect you any more than they already have! Hang in there.

decembergrl2014 · October 2014

Thank you @lolo883 ‌

holyguacamole79 · October 2014

I agree with lolo. I think my mom may have come to one fitting, and that was only because she happened to be in town (mom & dad live 3 hours away). The fittings weren't that exciting / dramatic.

I would be hurt by the email apology, though, I hope y'all can reconcile before the wedding!

AddieCake · October 2014

I know I'm in the minority, but I actually don't mind written apologies. Sometimes talking after a fight can be awkward, people need to be able to say what they want to say w/o being interrupted, have time to organize their thoughts, etc. This just wouldn't bother me.

Mom has me in tears: update

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