My dad got engaged 6 weeks after me

hmr08 · October 2014

Thanks for all of your help! I'm sure we will both have wonderful weddings.

wrigleyville · October 2014

I understand how hard it must be that he's with someone after your mother passed, but try to be happy for him. Now he won't be lonely and sad all the time.

Also, yes, it is selfish that you are worried about someone "taking away" from your wedding. You get one day, not a week/month/season. They're probably rushing to get married before you (or waiting until June) so they DON'T coincide with your wedding. If anything, I think that is considerate.

People can be happy for you, and they can be happy for your dad. One does not take away from the other.

misshart00 · October 2014

Be annoyed for a few minutes and move on. Tell him congratulations and that you're happy for him. This is a happy occasion. Them wanting to get married quickly probably has nothing to do with you. You can't request that no one get married between now and may. You get one day.

lyndausvi · October 2014

You are being selfish. People are able to celebrate multiple events at the same time.

That said, I can't help to wonder if you are really upset at the quickness of their wedding because it's so close to your's or if you are more upset he moved on so quickly? Just something to think about.

wrigleyville · October 2014

hmr08 said:

First of all, I'm new to this site. My fiancé proposed in July. We enjoyed going to tell our families as we moved together across the country (we're both military). I was really enjoying the wedding planning process.

Here's where everything went wrong...

My mother died last year. My dad began dating someone new (not sure when, or that it matters). Just one year after my mom's death he called to tell me about this woman. I finally met her in August, when my fiancé and I shared our good news. My dad sent me a text in September to tell me he proposed. We had previously set our wedding date (May 23) and now they want to rush to get married before us or wait until June. Am I wrong to be upset about this? I feel like they are taking away from our wedding. But it's also weird to be a daughter planning her wedding at the same time as her father?

Any opinions? I've tried talking to my dad. He thinks I'm selfish by being a little upset with their rush to get married.

JIC

aurianna · October 2014

A six week gap between your proposal and his is a pretty large one.

If the situation were reversed, what would you do? Your father gets engaged and his wedding is 7 months away. You and your boyfriend want to get married. Your dad finds out you plan on getting married sometime in the same year he is and he tells you he's upset about it. He wants you to delay your engagement for a year+. How would you feel about that? I imagine not good. You have your own life and you want to start living it with the person you love. One's entire family planning and major life changes should not be dictated by one day on the calender of a different family member.

Odds are this will not impact you much. Are there any particular things you are worried about? We can probably alleviate your worry.

I am very sorry about your mom. And this might seem pretty quick. But I know a lot of times, people who are very close to their spouse but then lose them, start dating and serious relationships quickly because they miss that amazing companionship they had. So his quick romance with this woman could very well be indicative of the strong relationship he had with your mom. I'm very sorry for your loss. I wish she could be with your during your wedding planning. But it will still be lovely.

hmr08 · October 2014

I appreciate your responses. I guess I should have worded my post a little better. I'm more than happy about him moving on. I was/am a little worried that having our weddings so close together could end up taking away from each other's weddings. For example, if at their wedding people are asking me about mine instead of letting the day be about them or vice versa. I guess I can't control what people say or do, but I want each of us to have a wonderful wedding.

aurianna · October 2014

My husband's brother's wedding: August 2010
Their cousin's wedding October 2010
My wedding January 2011

At these weddings, yes, we did talk to some people about our wedding, but it was generally just passing conversation at the dinner table. Same as if we'd talked about the weather instead. But whenever we interacted with the bride and groom, it was definitely about them and how amazing they looked / how fun it was. The ceremony, the cake cutting, the toasts, the dances, and the partying... all focus was on the bride and groom and the fun we were having at their wedding and no other weddings took away from it at all. Whoever's wedding it is that day, the wedding will definitely be about them. So no need to worry on that front.

theartistformerlyknownas · October 2014

hmr08 said:
I appreciate your responses. I guess I should have worded my post a little better. I'm more than happy about him moving on. I was/am a little worried that having our weddings so close together could end up taking away from each other's weddings. For example, if at their wedding people are asking me about mine instead of letting the day be about them or vice versa. I guess I can't control what people say or do, but I want each of us to have a wonderful wedding.

Well then yes, this is very selfish. Get over it.

holyguacamole79 · October 2014

hmr08 said:
I appreciate your responses. I guess I should have worded my post a little better. I'm more than happy about him moving on. I was/am a little worried that having our weddings so close together could end up taking away from each other's weddings. For example, if at their wedding people are asking me about mine instead of letting the day be about them or vice versa. I guess I can't control what people say or do, but I want each of us to have a wonderful wedding.

My brother got married 3 months before I did. We didn't take away from his wedding, and he didn't take away from ours.

AddieCake · October 2014

Oh, for Pete's sake. Weddings do not "take away" from other weddings. I hate that expression and that mentality. You each get a day. If they chose the same date as you, yeah. Flip out about that. Otherwise, have a margarita.

classyduck · October 2014

@hmr08 I lost my dad last year. My mom was venturing into the dating pool 3 months after he died, after their 43 years of marriage, and only 6 MONTHS after he was *diagnosed* with the cancer that killed him. It enraged me.

She is now happily living with another man, who I must admit, is a good fit for her. It is strange, and not quite painful, but ... awkward. Yet I'm happy for her to be with someone who cares about her, as I know you are for your dad. But believe me, I empathize with you very strongly, it is a very strange and uncomfortable situation.

The PPs here generally validate your fears of selfishness. I won't disagree -- I've felt selfish myself for my private accusations against my mother for so quickly betraying dad's memory -- but if I may, I'd like to modify the label of selfishness: whatever feelings you feel in the privacy of your mind are your business, and they are FINE. No one can fault you for them. They are your feelings, and no one can help how they feel, or how they grieve. The one thing you can control is how you act outwardly on those feelings. Feelings can't be rude, but outward actions can be. So, take the good advice given here, and be gracious. And take time to yourself to nurse your emotional wounds -- THAT isn't selfish at all, in fact, I would say, quite necessary and expected.

You have my deepest sympathies. I don't mean, by the way, to take away from your pain by citing my own -- yours is certainly made worse by the close marriages, that must be a very conflicting feeling. Let's both try and forgive ourselves for being hurt, and feel glad that our surviving parents have found happiness, right?

lolo883 said:

I appreciate your responses. I guess I should have worded my post a little better. I'm more than happy about him moving on. I was/am a little worried that having our weddings so close together could end up taking away from each other's weddings. For example, if at their wedding people are asking me about mine instead of letting the day be about them or vice versa. I guess I can't control what people say or do, but I want each of us to have a wonderful wedding.
Well then yes, this is very selfish. Get over it.

I felt the OP was expressing concern in this scenario of taking attention away from her father, not the other way around.

In fact, I would think if someone was worried about being overshadowed, it would be the wedding that comes FIRST that would be overshadowed -- people tend to anticipate the future. So in this case perhaps my advice would be to consider that your father may be doing it this way in order to avoid overshadowing your own wedding. Maybe it is consideration on his part?

photokitty · October 2014

My sister and I got married 4 weeks apart. If people talked to her about her wedding I honestly have no idea and could care less. If they didn't talk about her upcoming wedding they would have talked about something else in her life ~ so what's the difference? It did not impact my marriage or wedding in the slightest.

Be happy for your dad and your upcoming wedding. Enjoy the moment...someone will always have news, it's not a competition ~ it's life. GL!

photokitty · October 2014

My sister and I got married 4 weeks apart. If people talked to her about her wedding I honestly have no idea and could care less. If they didn't talk about her upcoming wedding they would have talked about something else in her life ~ so what's the difference? It did not impact my marriage or wedding in the slightest.

Be happy for your dad and your upcoming wedding. Enjoy the moment...someone will always have news, it's not a competition ~ it's life. GL!

theartistformerlyknownas · October 2014

@wrigleyville‌ FTW.

@classyduck‌ it's possible, but I find normally when people throw out the "oh, I'm totally worried for THEIR SAKE," it's just an excuse. The DD validates that impression for me.

OP, I got married 2 months after H's cousin. Yes, people at her wedding made comments about our wedding being "next." They also talked about Labor Day plans and back to school and upcoming birthdays. Then at my wedding, people talked about the next wedding, the cousin's honeymoon, Halloween. At the NEXT wedding, the couple asked our advice for the day, how OUR honeymoon was. It's just part of normal conversation, especially among friends and families whose plans often overlap. The only time it got awkward was when the first wedding had hosting failures and people said things like "we won't have to wait this long for food at your wedding, will we?" So as long as you both have properly hosted events, conversion regarding each other will only be positive and normal. It won't "take away" from either of you.

huskypuppy14 · October 2014

lolo883 said:

@wrigleyville‌ FTW. @classyduck‌ it's possible, but I find normally when people throw out the "oh, I'm totally worried for THEIR SAKE," it's just an excuse. The DD validates that impression for me. OP, I got married 2 months after H's cousin. Yes, people at her wedding made comments about our wedding being "next." They also talked about Labor Day plans and back to school and upcoming birthdays. Then at my wedding, people talked about the next wedding, the cousin's honeymoon, Halloween. At the NEXT wedding, the couple asked our advice for the day, how OUR honeymoon was. It's just part of normal conversation, especially among friends and families whose plans often overlap. The only time it got awkward was when the first wedding had hosting failures and people said things like "we won't have to wait this long for food at your wedding, will we?" So as long as you both have properly hosted events, conversion regarding each other will only be positive and normal. It won't "take away" from either of you.

This is a good point.

We got married 9 months after our friends, and at their wedding people talked about our upcoming wedding. It doesn't matter if the two weddings are 1 week or 1 year apart. People are always going to talk about the next one.

BrandNewJ · October 2014

huskypuppy14 said:

lolo883 said:

@wrigleyville‌ FTW. @classyduck‌ it's possible, but I find normally when people throw out the "oh, I'm totally worried for THEIR SAKE," it's just an excuse. The DD validates that impression for me. OP, I got married 2 months after H's cousin. Yes, people at her wedding made comments about our wedding being "next." They also talked about Labor Day plans and back to school and upcoming birthdays. Then at my wedding, people talked about the next wedding, the cousin's honeymoon, Halloween. At the NEXT wedding, the couple asked our advice for the day, how OUR honeymoon was. It's just part of normal conversation, especially among friends and families whose plans often overlap. The only time it got awkward was when the first wedding had hosting failures and people said things like "we won't have to wait this long for food at your wedding, will we?" So as long as you both have properly hosted events, conversion regarding each other will only be positive and normal. It won't "take away" from either of you.

This is a good point.

We got married 9 months after our friends, and at their wedding people talked about our upcoming wedding. It doesn't matter if the two weddings are 1 week or 1 year apart. People are always going to talk about the next one.

QFT. My FI and I went to wedding a couple years ago where the couple had an "engaged table" where all 12 people at the table were engaged. She did that so they could talk about their upcoming weddings while having fun at hers. It's life! Everyone is excited for the future.

SachaBee · October 2014

BrandNewJ said:

QFT. My FI and I went to wedding a couple years ago where the couple had an "engaged table" where all 12 people at the table were engaged. She did that so they could talk about their upcoming weddings while having fun at hers. It's life! Everyone is excited for the future.

This is cute! I'm stealing this!

hellohkb · October 2014

I went to my cousins wedding a few weeks ago and family members casually asked about my wedding. The wedding was not ruined, the ceiling didn't come falling down, and they did not need a do over. It's fine. Relax. The weddings will not take away from the special-ness.

cowgirl8238 · October 2014

I just wanted to add that at our wedding, while I was doing table visits I asked some of our engaged friends how their planning was coming along. We are going to one of those weddings in two weeks! There is no way our wedding will take away from theirs, and me bringing up their plans didn't detract from hours.

Also, I asked my pregnent friend how she hubby and future baby were doing, and asked how someone's recent surgery went...none of this made our wedding less special!

My dad got engaged 6 weeks after me

Re: My dad got engaged 6 weeks after me

Choose Another Board

Search Boards