Wedding Etiquette Forum

Should the Ex be invited to the wedding?

Before you jump to the obvious conclusion of absolutely not,  our situation is different and I want to share all of the facts.  My fiancé was married once before.  He barely knew the woman.  They got married very soon after meeting because my fiancé was deploying.  They ended up getting a divorce and my fiancé's ex wife has since then become remarried. Because they have a child together, we stay in close contact with them.  I keep my distance because the situation is very strange, however my fiancé is friends with them.  We do have a good working relationship with them and I don't want to jeopardize that by not inviting them.  However I do feel uncomfortable having them there at the same time.  I know that inviting them will not create drama at the wedding, we will barely see them because we will be so busy. What do we do?

Re: Should the Ex be invited to the wedding?

  • What does HE want to do?
    sarawifenowlevioosaLittlePeachBlossomslothiegal
  • Don't invite them.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    banana468 said:
    What does HE want to do?
    This.  Your FI's ex, his decision.

  • It's your ex's decision absolutely. That being said, my ex of 6 years and I are really good friends and I absolutely want him at our wedding, by my FI is on the fence. 

    I never understood why having ex's at the wedding was a bad thing.  Can someone explain this to me, because I'm obviously biased over here.
  • He would like to invite them because they are friends, however he respects my wishes and feelings about them and will do what I am comfortable with in the end.  She is not an easy person to explain things to. She is extremely close minded and selfish.  We are afraid that if we don't invite them, she will become difficult to deal with. We have it easy right now.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    He would like to invite them because they are friends, however he respects my wishes and feelings about them and will do what I am comfortable with in the end.  She is not an easy person to explain things to. She is extremely close minded and selfish.  We are afraid that if we don't invite them, she will become difficult to deal with. We have it easy right now.
    Why do you feel uncomfortable with her being there?

  • I don't really like her.  I deal with her because I have to, but I disagree with her character.

    Another issue: My parents are paying for the wedding and my dad can not stand her.  We haven't told him yet that as of now they are on the list. We will deal with that when the time comes.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I don't really like her.  I deal with her because I have to, but I disagree with her character.

    Another issue: My parents are paying for the wedding and my dad can not stand her.  We haven't told him yet that as of now they are on the list. We will deal with that when the time comes.
    So the only reason is because you don't like her.  Honestly, that isn't a good enough reason to not invite her if your FI wants to invite her.  I am not a fan of some of my H's friends but I deal because they are his friends.  And it isn't like you will have to be next to her all night.  A simple "thanks for coming" is all you will have to do.

    And if your parents say that she cannot be invited even though your FI wants to invite her then that is pretty shitty on your parent part regardless if they are paying.

    novella1186LittlePeachBlossomcowgirl8238huskypuppy14
  • shayfitshayfit member
    Eighth Anniversary First Comment
    edited October 2014
    thank you all for your opinions.

    I'm not going to sit here and bash the woman and explain why I don't like her, but I do have reasons other than just not liking her. 

    As far as my father not liking her, he also has his reasons and I can see how he can be uncomfortable with paying to have them there. I never said that he wouldn't allow them to come, I just said he would be upset.
  • sarawifenowsarawifenow Denver, baby! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    So I completely get where you are coming from. We made a "no ex" rule for our wedding, but we really had no reason to invite the any of our exes.

     

    The fact that they have a child together complicated things. Honestly, I would probably just sit her in the back.

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    novella1186cowgirl8238
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Before you jump to the obvious conclusion of absolutely not,  our situation is different and I want to share all of the facts.  My fiancé was married once before.  He barely knew the woman.  They got married very soon after meeting because my fiancé was deploying.  They ended up getting a divorce and my fiancé's ex wife has since then become remarried. Because they have a child together, we stay in close contact with them.  I keep my distance because the situation is very strange, however my fiancé is friends with them.  We do have a good working relationship with them and I don't want to jeopardize that by not inviting them.  However I do feel uncomfortable having them there at the same time.  I know that inviting them will not create drama at the wedding, we will barely see them because we will be so busy. What do we do?


    I don't really like her.  I deal with her because I have to, but I disagree with her character.

    Another issue: My parents are paying for the wedding and my dad can not stand her.  We haven't told him yet that as of now they are on the list. We will deal with that when the time comes.
    But does your FI want her there?
  • When my sister got married for the second time, she didn't invite her ex nor did her new husband invite his ex. They weren't on good enough terms yet with their ex's to extend the invites. Now when my BIL's ex got remarried, she did invite him & my sister to the wedding. By that point several years had gone by and the relationship had gotten better. My BIL & sister went to the wedding more for the kids to show a united parental front. So do people do it? yes. But you have to just figure out what is best for you and the relationship with her.
  • You need to remove the fact that she's an ex from the equation. She is your FI's friend. If she's close enough that he wants her there, she should be invited. It doesn't matter that you don't like her, and bashing or not bashing her doesn't change that. Unless she's ever physically assaulted you or a family member, it's your FI's call.

    The fact that your parents are paying isn't a strong enough reason either. If they didn't like your future in-laws, would you not invite them? Of course not. 

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    Maggie0829LittlePeachBlossomhuskypuppy14
  • If you do end up not inviting her, DO NOT TRY TO EXPLAIN A BUNCH OF REASONS WHY. You would love to accommodate all of the people who are special to you but it just isn't possible. The end. 

    However, if your FI really wants her to be there, then this is something you need to work out with him. She's the mother of his kid so that kind of complicates things, and it is his choice. If he didn't like someone on your guest list who's your friend or relative, would you not invite that person on behalf of FI? Try to see it from his side. And like you said, you'll hardly even have to see her on that day.  
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  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited October 2014
    Wegl13 said:
    I'm sorry but I don't think your fiancé should just get to invite his ex, that you don't like, to your wedding- especially if your parents that don't like her are paying for it. This wedding is about celebrating your marriage to him and I don't think I would want someone that he'd been previously married to at that event. Every time I've ever seen this brought up, there's a wild variation of opinions on the subject. But no, it's not "his ex, his decision." That's a terrible way to start things- you absolutely get a say in who gets to be at your wedding.
    That being said, you might want to go with the lesser of two evils here- if inviting her will cause less drama than not inviting her, I might pick that just to decrease the drama. But seriously? Who goes to the wedding of their ex husband and why the heck would you want to go, if not to cause drama? That seems beyond weird to me. I know they have a kid together but still. This is THE event at which he moves on from her, with you.
    Anyways, this is one of those where I would have a long talk with your FH about how you feel about her, and about her being at your wedding. There are a lot of instances where random strangers are going to have great advice, but I think this is one of those times where you and FI will be able to figure this out better together.
    All of the bolded times 100.

    I would NOT want any of my FI's exes at our wedding. He knows that. He doesn't really talk to them anyway (he went out with one once,  with other friends, without telling me, and I was very hurt. Not that he went out-- that I was purposefully kept in the dark when an ex was involved and only found out by accident. That shit was nipped in the bud fast. It was one out of two sortoffightsbutnotreally fights we've ever had. Mostly, he hung his head like a puppy and apologized.)

     So, he's not friendly with his exes, and this wasn't an issue for us, but if it were an issue, both of our feelings matter. Not just one or the other. HOWEVER, as much as I would NOT WANT THEM THERE ITS MY DAY DAMNIT, if it would potentially harm a custody arrangement, then I would very likely bite my tongue as long as FI knew that was the only reason I was just rolling over.
    cnblake
  • edited October 2014
    Before you jump to the obvious conclusion of absolutely not,  our situation is different and I want to share all of the facts.  My fiancé was married once before.  He barely knew the woman.  They got married very soon after meeting because my fiancé was deploying.  They ended up getting a divorce and my fiancé's ex wife has since then become remarried. Because they have a child together, we stay in close contact with them.  I keep my distance because the situation is very strange, however my fiancé is friends with them.  We do have a good working relationship with them and I don't want to jeopardize that by not inviting them.  However I do feel uncomfortable having them there at the same time.  I know that inviting them will not create drama at the wedding, we will barely see them because we will be so busy. What do we do?

    Unless she's actively trying to get with your FI, I don't see what's strange about this situation or why she shouldn't be invited. She is the mother of your FSS! Not that it necessarily equals an invite but she also has an amicable friendship with your FI. Whatever your reasons for not liking her are, they don't seem to be relevant here. Have you considered your FI's feelings? Objecting to inviting your FSS's mother/FI's friend could lead to animosity. Is it really worth it?

    ETF words
    Maggie0829novella1186wrigleyville
  • My fiance and I have talked about this.  He is friends with his ex, but more so with her husband.  He would like to invite them, however he doesn't feel the need to have them there. If it would make me uncomfortable then he would rather them not be there.  And the opposite is true for me, I would deal with having them there if he really wanted them there. We are at a standstill and wanted outside opinions. We have about a year until our wedding so we have some time to think about what would be best for our family.  As of now we are leaning towards inviting them just to make sure there is no drama. Time will tell.
  • My fiance and I have talked about this.  He is friends with his ex, but more so with her husband.  He would like to invite them, however he doesn't feel the need to have them there. If it would make me uncomfortable then he would rather them not be there.  And the opposite is true for me, I would deal with having them there if he really wanted them there. We are at a standstill and wanted outside opinions. We have about a year until our wedding so we have some time to think about what would be best for our family.  As of now we are leaning towards inviting them just to make sure there is no drama. Time will tell.
    The path of least drama is a great tie breaker. So is considering your FSS - is he little enough that he would benefit from having his mom there? 

    You've got plenty of time to decide though, and I'm glad it sounds like you're each willing to have the other's back.

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    holyguacamole79
  • My fiance and I have talked about this.  He is friends with his ex, but more so with her husband.  He would like to invite them, however he doesn't feel the need to have them there. If it would make me uncomfortable then he would rather them not be there.  And the opposite is true for me, I would deal with having them there if he really wanted them there. We are at a standstill and wanted outside opinions. We have about a year until our wedding so we have some time to think about what would be best for our family.  As of now we are leaning towards inviting them just to make sure there is no drama. Time will tell.

    I think you should do two things.  Wait a few months and don't send them a STD (if you having them) since they aren't required anyway.  (Besides if you do send them one you have to invite them!).  Then as the wedding draws closer revisit the topic again.  There is a chance that something could drive your FI and her apart.  You might be the same, and he might feel more strongly about inviting her.

    Once you reconsider the issue, if you are still just as stuck, I vote the path of least drama.  But thats just me!

    jenijoyk
  • I'd recommend working it out with FI, but you are well within your rights to have your own opinions and stance on the matter. FI was engaged before he and I met, and if he were on good terms with his ex I would STILL not want her there. It's a very human emotion to not want your SO's former lover in the audience, sitting beside your friends and family.

    Your emotions on the topic are totally valid. If it would make you more uncomfortable than it would make him pleased, you need to say that. It seems you both are determined to work it out together, which is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.

    Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding! 
    bumbletiger88
  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer

    I agree that you need to remove the "ex" from the equation.  That's really a non-factor. And it's something that you really need to work out with your FI.  Since you are a ways out from the wedding, don't make a decision now.  I'd put her on this list as a maybe for now, then assess the relationship 9-10 months from now when you actually send out invites. That's a lot of time for relationships to improve or get worse with them.

    And how old is the kid?  Is he young enough that someone needs to watch him?  If so, inviting mom to keep an eye on him may be a good idea.  You certainly don't want to spend your wedding watching a kid.  And other family members probably could do it, but you could also let them enjoy the wedding as guests instead of babysitters.  If he's teenager and can handle himself, that may be a moot point.  But, even them how would he feel about having mom there?  Would he appreciate having mom there?

     

    And then would you be really uncomfortable with her there?  If so, they shouldn't be invited.  You have a right to be comfortable on your wedding day. But, if it wouldn't bother you too much, then let them come. And honestly, you will probably be so busy at the wedding, that you probably won't even notice her or pay any attention to her, besides the mandatory "thank you for coming".

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    SP29
  • My 2 cents: What is worse for you. 1) your FI being annoyed at you because you wouldn't invite the woman, OR 2) glimpsing her at your wedding?

    If she'll cause drama at the wedding, then 1 would be the best choice. But if she'll just sit their quietly, I'd say go for #2 and suck it up. You're married for life, so give him this concession, and I'm sure somewhere down the road you'll find out it was well worth it. It's going to be a busy, fun day. If you don't want to interact with her, you'll have plenty of other people and things to do at your wedding.

    Also, if she sits their quietly, but you STILL have issues seeing her--that's something you internally need to deal with. She sounds like a less than pleasant person, but your reactions are ultimately your own responsibility. 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'd say that whatever people are on the guest list, the SO rule notwithstanding, need to be people both the bride and the groom are okay with inviting. That one is still friends with an ex doesn't automatically justify his or her being allowed to invite the ex. There might be valid reasons for not inviting this person even if they weren't an ex.

    This sounds to me like an issue to be resolved between the two of you. Since you haven't indicated why you're not comfortable inviting her beyond her being your FI's ex, I'm reserving judgment on that.
  • melbensomelbenso Hoth, apparently member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    Talk to your FI and come to a decision together.  Explain to him that you are uncomfortable with it, but that you want to maintain good relations with his ex-wife.  See what he wants to do.

    I invited one of my exes to my wedding.  We were never married and don't have kids together, but we became really good friends after the break up.  DH was fine with me inviting him.  They had met before and got along wonderfully.  My ex didn't end up coming (couldn't get the time off work to travel). 

    I've also been the ex at the wedding when the wife didn't really want me there. I guess I am friends with a lot of my exes.  Initially, I was hesitant to go because I knew she didn't want me there and I didn't want to put a damper on the wedding. But he convinced me that it was really important to him that all of his close friends be there.  He talked to her and explained that he wasn't going to give up his friends and that he hoped she'd understand why it was so important to him that they be there when he got married.  She did (possibly begrudgingly, but she did).  I went.  No drama. 

    I guess my point is, these ex situations are all different.  If it were me personally, unless I thought that DH's ex was A.) going to start something at the wedding or B.) actively trying to get back together with him, I would invite her if he wanted to.  She's the mother of his child.  She is going to be in his life and yours no matter what.  It's best not to burn those bridges if it can be avoided.
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  • JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    edited October 2014
    Will not inviting his ex in anyway create an uncomfortable and untenable situation for their child? Will the child be put in an awkward or a situation in which he feels he must report on or "tell" on either of his parents? If there is any chance that your future step son will be emotionally hurt, made to feel that he is choosing sides, playing favorites, or anything like that, I think inviting her is the best course of action. Do what is best for the child first, then what is best for the adults involved. If your dad can't understand, "I know it's weird, but it's best for Bobby if his mom and step-dad come," then that's on him. (Also, there will be no paragraphs here because TK already ate them.)
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    Anniversary


  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think the smart thing to do would be to invite her and her husband. If she really is selfish and difficult, you could potentially be setting yourself and your H up to not be invited to future events regarding their child because she feels slighted.

    It doesn't matter if that's stupid for her to feel that way or not. IMO, like you said, you will hardly notice her on your wedding day and it isn't worth the potential consequences of rocking the boat in putting your foot down about her not being invited. Depending on how old your step-son is, you have YEARS of dealing with this woman on things that really count. 
  • OP I think it's a hard question and I do agree that it is not just your FI's decision. It sounds like in this circumstance it is less about the ex factor and more about you not really liking her. 

    Do she and her husband know other folks who will be at the wedding? If you seat them at a table with their other friends, I would agree you will hardly notice her. If it will help ease relations between your new step son's mom and you, I would probably bite the bullet. 

    All that said, my parents are divorced and remarried and they certainly didn't invite each other to their weddings. No one thought that was odd. 

    I do have an ex in FI's and my friend group. FI and I met each other because I (briefly, and not seriously) dated a friend of his, and I continued to be in the friend group afterwards. I hardly even think of him as an ex, more just part of the way I found the right guy. He will be invited to the wedding, to not do so would call more attention to the fact that we dated than is really due. We all continue to be friends and although I think there is some very slight residual awkwardness it is really not a big deal. 
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  • Even being the mother of your FSS I don't think she'd necessarily expect to be invited.  I mean, no matter how friendly I am with 2 of my exes I would never expect to be invited to their weddings. I have one ex that is a member of a group of friends that I'm still very friendly with.  And I didn't invite him because my husband asked me not to.  And it is his wedding to, and I don't think that his opinion should be ignored.  I'm of the opinion that inviting exes is a both agree or they don't get invited.  Because it is a celebration of a new relationship, and if one of the guests of honor is uncomfortable, it's a situation that shouldn't even be entered into. 

    jenijoykJellyBean52513
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