Honorary Bridesmaid?

Re: Honorary Bridesmaid?

• slothiegal member

  

  October 2014

  It's an absolute slap in the face.  "Honorary bridesmaid" isn't a thing, and bridesmaids are not required to attend any "bridal events".  My BMs were all across the country; none could attend my bridal shower which was thrown by my MIL and we forwent a bachelorette party due to distance/time/money.  But come the day of the wedding, all three were by my side, because they were/are my nearest and dearest, no matter the distance between us.

  
  

  I'm so sorry your friend is treating you this way.  I would respectfully decline this shitty, consolation prize position.

  

  
  

  
  

  Report6 Reply
• amg0049 member

  

  October 2014

  Thanks for the feedback! It feels good to know I'm not just being sensitive

  Report0 Reply
• MairePoppy mod

  

  October 2014

  You're not being sensitive. Your friend made up a title for you so she wouldn't feel badly about not asking you to be a bm. I would also decline 'the honor.'

                     

  Report5 Reply
• amg0049 member

  

  October 2014

  Thanks MairePoppy!

  Report1 Reply
• holyguacamole79 member

  

  October 2014

  amg0049 said:

  Hi all,

  
  

  I was asked by a friend of 15 years to be an honorary bridesmaid in her wedding. We grew up together in Texas since high school, and she went to D.C. for college where she now lives. 

  
  

  She told me her D.C. friends were taking care of everything, and she knew it'd be hard for me to attend all of the bridal events, so she wanted me to be an honorary bridesmaid. 

  
  

  It feels like a slap in the face. I thought your bridesmaids were the ones who have been by your side and supporting you, long before a wedding came into the picture. I felt like if it were flipped, I'd want her standing beside me, regardless of whether or not she could attend showers, bachelorettes, etc.

  
  

  Am I being too sensitive? Her consolation was that I could wear the same color as them, party with them the night before, and give a reading/make a speech. Seems like a lot to ask for someone who isn't even in the wedding.

  
  

  Thanks for your input!

  
  I don't think you're being too sensitive, either. I would also wear whatever color you want.

  
  
  
  
  

  

  Report2 Reply
• ohannabelle member

  

  October 2014

  Your friend is a nitwit. I disapprove of her behavior 100%. F. 

  She seems to be operating under the all too common and incorrect belief that bridesmaids are there to plan parties and go to fittings and showers and whatever else you want, and your being out of state means you can't fulfill these bridesmaid "duties," and therefore can't be a "real" bridesmaid.

  
  

  She's wrong.

  Report6 Reply
• levioosa member

  

  October 2014

  There are no BM "duties."  This feels like a slap in the face because it is one.  She is in effect telling you that your friendship means less because you can't perform arbitrary "duties."

  
  

  If you feel like hanging out with them the night before, great.  If you feel like doing a reading/making a toast (not a speech) is for you, then go for it.  But I wouldn't coordinate with the other BMs (seriously, does she not see how shitty of her that sounds?) and I would decline this prestigious "honor."

  
  

  I'm my BFF's MOH.  She lives across the country from me.  I won't be there to help with showers or DIY or any other wedding related thing.  Guess what?  It doesn't matter, because all she wants is for me to stand up next to her and celebrate her marriage.  Our friendship isn't based off of "duties."

  
  

  Sorry your friend is being dumb about this.  

  
  

  
  

  

  Report4 Reply
• AddieCake member

  

  October 2014

  Decline this "honor."

  What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14

  

  Report2 Reply
• amg0049 member

  

  October 2014

  I feel a TON better! Thanks so much for all your feedback, and I'm glad I'm not being crazy

  Report6 Reply
• southernbelle0915 mod

  

  October 2014

  Definitely decline. I'm sorry this happened. Nothing says "you're second rate" like asking someone to be an honorary bridesmaid (or to be in the house party).

  *********************************************************************************

  
  

  

  Report2 Reply
• MGP member

  

  October 2014

  It is a huge slap in the face. Unfortunately it sounds like your friend has been brainwashed into thinking that her bridal party needs to be the people that can do the most work for her, not the ones she is closest to.
  
  Decline this immediatley. You are worth more than to be put on the second string.

  Report2 Reply
• Jen4948 member

  

  October 2014

  It feels like a slap in the face because it is one.  If she wanted to honor you, she should have asked you to be a bridesmaid whether or not you could attend all the "bridal events" etc.  Those are optional anyway-it's not up to the bride whether or not parties should be thrown for her and it's not a "duty" of bridesmaids to attend, let alone throw them for her.
  

  Report4 Reply
• SachaBee member

  

  October 2014

  What a stupid reason. It's so obvious that she is just looking for people to do things for her rather than actually honouring her friendships.  When my sister asked me to be her MOH I was living in another country. I ended up moving a bit closer, but our little sister, my co-MOH, still lives on the opposite coast. It's so obvious how stupid it is when we're family, but it should be the same for friends.

  Report1 Reply
• MyNameIsNot member

  

  October 2014

  Your friend sucks.  She basically told you that she's not asking you to be a BM because she doesn't think you'll do enough for her.  That's not how a friend behaves.

  
  

  If she's willing to do this, you can expect she is treating her real bridesmaids pretty crappy too.  You may have dodged a bullet.  

  Report2 Reply
• MGP member

  

  October 2014 edited October 2014

  MyNameIsNot said:

  Your friend sucks.  She basically told you that she's not asking you to be a BM because she doesn't think you'll do enough for her.  That's not how a friend behaves.

  
  

  If she's willing to do this, you can expect she is treating her real bridesmaids pretty crappy too.  You may have dodged a bullet.  

  
  You are absolutely correct. The Bride in the situation I was involved in basically treated her bridal party like unpaid workers and demanded they help with things like DIY projects and spending the night at the venue to clean it up the morning after the wedding. 

  
  

  I attended as a guest and had a good time, everything was beautiful and properly hosted. But knowing the backstory and witnessing how poorly people were treated made me very sad. I was told by several people throughout the night "you were so smart getting out when you did".  The relationship between the bride and I is certainly friendly and civil, but after showing her true colors I don't see us ever going back to the way it was. 

  Report1 Reply
• Bubblegum5586 member

  

  October 2014

  Asking to do a reading is an honor, but the way it was asked definitely make it sound like a consolation prize. That is very nice she will LET you where to same color as the BMs [sarcasm].

  
  

  I was my best friends "Honorary MOH" and she was mine and it was an inside joke as we are super close and helped each other every step of the way (out of love not obligation) and our actual MOHs were our sisters whom we love dearly but weren't around as much. It was just something we said only to each other, in no way a consolation prize.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  

  Report1 Reply
• peachy13 member

  

  October 2014

  You're right that it's a slap in the face. It's so rude of your friend to do this, and if there is anything that says you're the "honorary bridesmaid" whether in the program, on the website, etc., her guests will see the rudeness as well and will probably snark behind the bride's back.

  
  

  I would. And I'd also wear a different color than the bridesmaids and probably not talk to her after the wedding, but that's just how I'm feeling today.

  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  

  Report1 Reply
• cambryn member

  

  October 2014

  I was prepared to come on here and say to a bride 'NO! DON'T make someone an 'honorary bridesmaid.' Make them a bridesmaid or don't!'

  
  

  I am so sorry to hear your friend pulled this bit of stupidity on you. She doesn't understand what being a bridesmaid means. You are NOT too sensitive. She is INSENSITIVE. 

  Report2 Reply