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Wedding Woes

Should I 'out' my affair partner?

Dear Prudence,
Many years ago I had a brief, passion-filled affair with a co-worker. I had no kids (I now have one), and he had two (now has more). There was no fallout as our spouses (the same then as they are now) never found out. We were utterly enamored with each other, but never considered leaving our families due, in a large part, to our diametrically opposed political outlooks. I am incredibly liberal, he staunchly conservative. Were we to have attempted being together in the real world, the amount of strife caused by our differing views would have made the relationship unsustainable. Still, I do occasionally think back on our affair with intense longing. Eventually, he moved several states away, and I had a baby and got on with my life. I have never had another affair—for me it was about him, but I’m not sure if he ever has. We aren’t in contact, though I think of him fondly. He has transitioned into politics as a career, become even more conservative, and is now running for a powerful position. If he is elected, he will be able to enact what I consider to be very negative changes to women’s rights and the environment. I have proof of the affair that would likely derail his campaign—but maybe not, as he’s a charmer. I am now wondering if it’s my civic duty to come forward. I don’t think I could do this anonymously, but I think my husband and I could weather the storm. I also don’t want to hurt his wife or family. But maybe I should take this hit for the greater good, because there are millions of people who could be negatively affected should he win. What should I do?

—Blue About It

Re: Should I 'out' my affair partner?

  • Now, this is a first.

    That's some dirty dealings, right there.

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  • Still, I do occasionally think back on our affair with intense longing.

    SITB

    I think that's the crux of it, right there:  she's not over this dude. I suspect she just wants attention from him again, and doesn't care how she gets it.  Also, she doesn't seem to have the tiniest shred of remorse about her affair.  I'm not saying she has to commit harakiri or anything, but it would have been nice to at least pretend she feels bad about it now.  The only times she mentions her husband are to say that he never found out and they're still married, and she thinks their marriage would be fine if this came out.  Not even a perfunctory "my husband is a wonderful guy but..."

  • she's probably not the only woman that he's had an affair with.
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  • jacques27jacques27 member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited October 2014
    Wow.  Since when is tattling about who people diddled a "civic duty"?  Are we really still supposed to care more about who people slept with than whether they can do their job effectively?

    But maybe it's just that I can't relate because my uterus and other reproductive parts are not bipartisan (and also I'm not an ***hole who unrepentantly cheats and then is willing to put my family through a very public ordeal to get revenge), so I'd like to think this particular scenario wouldn't be in the realm of possibility for me. 
  • They didn't split up with their spouses because of political differences? As a liberal marrying a conservative, I call shenanagins.

    Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding! 
  • Here's an idea. Keep your mouth shut publicly and tell your husband in private because he deserves the truth. Or did you not think of who you'd be humiliating publicly if you go forward with exposing this guy?
  • Heffalump said:

    Still, I do occasionally think back on our affair with intense longing.

    SITB

    I think that's the crux of it, right there:  she's not over this dude. I suspect she just wants attention from him again, and doesn't care how she gets it.  Also, she doesn't seem to have the tiniest shred of remorse about her affair.  I'm not saying she has to commit harakiri or anything, but it would have been nice to at least pretend she feels bad about it now.  The only times she mentions her husband are to say that he never found out and they're still married, and she thinks their marriage would be fine if this came out.  Not even a perfunctory "my husband is a wonderful guy but..."

    I agree.  Tell the husband, go to counseling and leave the other guy and his family alone.   If she wants to stop him politically, she should do so politically.  Civic duty has nothing to do with what she's talking about.
    Formerly known as flutterbride2b
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