Dad/Step-mom guest list - kids

Re: Dad/Step-mom guest list - kids

• adettma32 member

  

  October 2014

  Ooh, and re-reading my post, I'd like to clarify something. I don't want it to imply that I'm ungrateful since I am slightly annoyed that I don't know how much they are contributing. We are EXTREMELY grateful to any contribution from our parents. We went into this expecting to pay for it all. 

  
  

  It's just that my dad is a huge "power-needer" so instead of saying to what he'll contribute or how much, he just says "I'll buy your dress and I'm sure I'll contribute along the way." However, in order to plan a budget with their contributions, I'd need to know a ballpark of what they would like to contribute. Future in-laws on the other hand, the moment we told them we were engaged, say, "AWESOME, we'll give you $xx, spend it the way you please." 

  
  

  The only reason it irks me is being from my dad, he has a history to need to have the power or upper hand in every situation related to immediate family. So him being the only person knowing how much he'll contribute in the future is his way of saying, "yes, I am still the all mighty and powerful father!" (with deep powerful accent and insert evil laughter) 

  
  

  At the end of the day, it's really no big deal. As I said, anything being contributed is very much appreciated. We just planned our budget based on what we think is reasonable and anything they contribute is like, hey, awesome, now we don't have to spend as much! 

  
  

  
  

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• tammym1001 member

  

  October 2014

  I would just call them and tell them you hadn't planned on inviting children and see what they say. It may not be that they really want the children there, but some people automatically assume children are invited to weddings. 

  
  

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• poodledoodleooo member

  

  October 2014

  For your budget woes - I'm in a similar situation. Fi's parents gave us $xx while mine are contributing by helping with purchases along the way. For us, these are truly gifts as Fi and I were planning on paying for all of it. Fi and I agreed early on that we will still work within our original budget (w/o parents contributions) and treat his parents' funds as "emergency" cash and mine as wonderful gifts that will simply let us spend less. That way if either set of parents make demands we don't agree with we can simply decline/return their gifts. If your dad is in need of control, it might be helpful to approach it this way. We can truly the wedding we want on our own though, I'm not sure if you are in the same situation. For your guest problems - just be upfront and let them know you weren't planning on including kids.

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• huskypuppy14 member

  

  October 2014 edited October 2014

  Knottie94040166 said:

  Hi ladies, I'm a constant lurker these days, but don't post too often. There's also a chance that I am completely overreacting how hard this problem is to deal with. It's probably just a simple conversation but I am an extreme people pleaser so the idea of making them at all upset makes me shake in my boots. ;-)

  
  

  I have been "hounding" both my dad/stepmom and future in-laws since we got engaged in July for the people they would like included on the guest list as we would like to get the STD's out by December (OOT for almost all guests). My dad told me very early that he doesn't know who he would include because many people from our hometown that aren't family probably wouldn't come. To which I told him that just because he THINKS they wouldn't come, doesn't mean they shouldn't get an invitation, if he would like to invite them, I'm glad to invite them. He told me 2 "maybe" couples (other than my aunts/uncles/cousins) My step-mom told me she would just like her parents/brother/sister invited. Sure, no problem.

  
  

  Every time we verbally spoke, I would throw it in there, "hey guys, still need your guest list." But, nothing. So the last time I e-mailed with my Step-mom, I threw it in there asking for their finalized list and the addresses that I didn't have. She sent me back a list of addresses and invitees.

  On it are the 2 maybe couples (no longer maybes, no problem, I already included them in the guest list), 3 new "maybe" couples (sigh), and the addresses of Step-Mom's parents, brother/sister + kids from both brother (3 kids) and sister (2 kids). 

  
  

  Now the dilemma is that we weren't planning to have any kids other than my cousin's kids (who I am very close to) and FI nieces and nephew (2 babies and 1 toddler, who from what we're told are staying home with g-ma/g-pa that weekend). We are already over our planned guest list so the idea of 5 kids I don't see more than once every other year cutting 5 friends makes me cringe. BUT, my dad/step-mom are contributing (no clue how much, whole other topic) to the wedding so I know they are entitled to get some say in things. And I WANT to them to tell me what's important to them. I guess I'm just really hoping inviting these kids and the new "maybe" couples isn't one of those things. 

  
  

  I think I'm more just here to have a little pity party moment as I know I just need to call them up and ask them how important it is to them that these kids are invited. If it's important, I'll figure it out, if it's not, awesome! So I'm not sure that I'm here looking for advice as much as maybe just a pep talk moment that weddings are stressful but you're doing great planning yours from an ocean away in a state that none of your family lives in! 

  
  

  Knottie94040166 said:

  Ooh, and re-reading my post, I'd like to clarify something. I don't want it to imply that I'm ungrateful since I am slightly annoyed that I don't know how much they are contributing. We are EXTREMELY grateful to any contribution from our parents. We went into this expecting to pay for it all. 

  
  

  It's just that my dad is a huge "power-needer" so instead of saying to what he'll contribute or how much, he just says "I'll buy your dress and I'm sure I'll contribute along the way." However, in order to plan a budget with their contributions, I'd need to know a ballpark of what they would like to contribute. Future in-laws on the other hand, the moment we told them we were engaged, say, "AWESOME, we'll give you $xx, spend it the way you please." 

  
  

  The only reason it irks me is being from my dad, he has a history to need to have the power or upper hand in every situation related to immediate family. So him being the only person knowing how much he'll contribute in the future is his way of saying, "yes, I am still the all mighty and powerful father!" (with deep powerful accent and insert evil laughter) 

  
  

  At the end of the day, it's really no big deal. As I said, anything being contributed is very much appreciated. We just planned our budget based on what we think is reasonable and anything they contribute is like, hey, awesome, now we don't have to spend as much! 

  
  

  
  

  Don't plan on getting their money. Just plan your wedding the way you want it, plan to pay for it yourself, and if they give you money great!  Therefore the final decisions are yours alone.

  
  

  Also, these people don't have to get save the dates. 

  
  

  ETA: OP it would be helpful if you're going to stick around and post to change your user name to something more unique than knottie numbers. It helps us get to know you.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• adettma32 member

  

  October 2014

  Thanks ladies!! I guess I didn't clarify the budget stuff well enough. We are doing it the way you both (sjf2715 & huskypuppy14) recommended... sticking to the planned budget as if we are paying for it all on our own and anything they gift us is bonus/less we have to spend. 

  
  

  Just woke up to the e-mail from my step-mom this morning and it was a bit like "wah-wah-wah" after a blah weekend so just needed to vent about these tiny frustrations. :-) Thanks for the advice! 

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• adettma32 member

  

  October 2014

  Oh! And @huskypuppy14, I have tried to change my username, but keep getting an error message... hopefully it works soon!

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• jenijoyk member

  

  October 2014 edited October 2014

  Knottie94040166 said:

  Hi ladies, I'm a constant lurker these days, but don't post too often. There's also a chance that I am completely overreacting how hard this problem is to deal with. It's probably just a simple conversation but I am an extreme people pleaser so the idea of making them at all upset makes me shake in my boots. ;-)

  
  

  I have been "hounding" both my dad/stepmom and future in-laws since we got engaged in July for the people they would like included on the guest list as we would like to get the STD's out by December (OOT for almost all guests). My dad told me very early that he doesn't know who he would include because many people from our hometown that aren't family probably wouldn't come. To which I told him that just because he THINKS they wouldn't come, doesn't mean they shouldn't get an invitation, if he would like to invite them, I'm glad to invite them. He told me 2 "maybe" couples (other than my aunts/uncles/cousins) My step-mom told me she would just like her parents/brother/sister invited. Sure, no problem.

  
  

  Every time we verbally spoke, I would throw it in there, "hey guys, still need your guest list." But, nothing. So the last time I e-mailed with my Step-mom, I threw it in there asking for their finalized list and the addresses that I didn't have. She sent me back a list of addresses and invitees.

  On it are the 2 maybe couples (no longer maybes, no problem, I already included them in the guest list), 3 new "maybe" couples (sigh), and the addresses of Step-Mom's parents, brother/sister + kids from both brother (3 kids) and sister (2 kids). 

  
  

  Now the dilemma is that we weren't planning to have any kids other than my cousin's kids (who I am very close to) and FI nieces and nephew (2 babies and 1 toddler, who from what we're told are staying home with g-ma/g-pa that weekend). We are already over our planned guest list so the idea of 5 kids I don't see more than once every other year cutting 5 friends makes me cringe. BUT, my dad/step-mom are contributing (no clue how much, whole other topic) to the wedding so I know they are entitled to get some say in things. And I WANT to them to tell me what's important to them. I guess I'm just really hoping inviting these kids and the new "maybe" couples isn't one of those things. 

  
  

  I think I'm more just here to have a little pity party moment as I know I just need to call them up and ask them how important it is to them that these kids are invited. If it's important, I'll figure it out, if it's not, awesome! So I'm not sure that I'm here looking for advice as much as maybe just a pep talk moment that weddings are stressful but you're doing great planning yours from an ocean away in a state that none of your family lives in! 

  I can commiserate and give you a pep talk! Figuring out the guest list was the worst, most stressful, most fight-inducing part of our wedding planning. For all the reasons you mentioned. Whose guests are they really, who is paying, who gets a say, not wanting kids there, whose mom wants to invite people I've never ever met and will never see again after the wedding, etc. etc. etc.

  After you finalize this you'll feel so much better and wedding planning will be fun again!

  (That is... until those same people you guys stress out over whether to invite or not refuse to give you their RSVP until like 2 weeks past the deadline and then change their RSVP like 6 days before your wedding after you've paid, or make insane requests about where they want to sit, etc. Because you KNOW it will be the same people you don't want to invite now that will do this to you.)
  

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• adettma32 member

  

  October 2014

  Thanks jenijoyk!! You are so right, just what I needed.

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• jacques27 member

  

  October 2014 edited October 2014

  I know this is a couple of days old, but since it wasn't mentioned...save the dates ARE NOT REQUIRED, even if it's a destination (but I'm not sure what that means for you - does that mean everyone would need to take a flight?  Or that it would be a three hour drive for most people?  Or it requires people to get passports?).  Everyone who receives a save the date requires an invitation, but you can still invite people later without having given them a save the date initially. 
  
  Since they seem fairly non-committal about who they want to invite (you mention lots of "maybe couples"), maybe it would just be easier say "Dad and Step-Mom, I'm inviting XX number of people and we can accommodate up to YY people (based on budget and venue capacity), so you can invite up to YY minus XX people if you want.  When you're sure you know who you want to invite, I can send them a save the date if you want.  If you want to take your time, just make sure I have your list by MM/DD/YY date since that's the very latest I want to get the invitations out the door."  And then stop pushing them about it.
  
  If it's important to them, they'll get you the list.  If they want to hedge on who they want to invite until the last minute, let them, even if it means they *might* be more unlikely to come depending on what travel arrangements would need to be made - but that's on your (step)parent(s), not you.  And really, unless a passport is involved, most standard invite timeframes (or even standard plus a couple of weeks) is enough time for most people.  If they want to invite more people than you can budget for, well, then the implication of you giving them the number your budget can allow ahead of time (instead of just asking who they want and then wondering if you have to cut your own list) is that anything more will require additional funding.
  
  As for the kids situation, it's just a  standard grown-up to grown-up conversation about budget and weddings.  It's not a confrontation - don't blow it up in your mind to be something bigger than it is.  Considering how non-committal they've been about guests so far, I'm gonna guess they aren't that tied to the notion of inviting these people (otherwise, the first thing out of their mouths when you asked for their guest list would have been "OMG, we simply must invite so and so and the kids" instead of jerking you around about the guest list for weeks).  However, can I recommend from here on out, if you are planning to let them have a say in some things due to their financial contribution, that you tell them what you are hoping for with these plans (i.e. "We'd like a smaller, adults only reception" or "We don't want dancing, but we're planning to have a quartet playing for background music") so they aren't as likely to throw something at you that might throw it off kilter...like wanting to invite children.
  

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