My Dad thinks we should be inviting everyone on his side for a "family Reunion"...

Re: My Dad thinks we should be inviting everyone on his side for a "family Reunion"...

• beethery member

  

  October 2014

  Your dad needs to get a damn grip unless he wants to pay for all of these people to show up to the wedding.

  
  

  Do not let him steamroll you if all he's willing to toss in is a few hundred, that is not adequate contribution if he wants to invite a ton of people.

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  I'm the fuck out.

  
  

  
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  October 2014

  Show your dad the numbers.  Dads like numbers.  Divide the total cost of the venue, rentals, catering, dj, photographer, dress, invitations, flowers, hell absolutely everything by the number of people YOU want to invite.  So, your budget total by the number of people.  So, if your budget is $5000 and you're inviting 100 people, that's $50 per person.  Take all the extras of everyone your dad wants to invite; say 50 extra people.  And tell your dad that if he wants you to invite all those extra people, he'll need to pony up at least $2,500.  And you're not sending them invitations until you have the $2,500 cash in hand from him.

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• KatieinBkln member

  

  October 2014

  I agree about showing him the numbers. I also think it's perfectly allowed for you to say, "You know, I really don't appreciate you trying to strong-arm me into inviting the entire extended family at the expense of inviting people I am close to."

  
  

  People like to think that weddings are family reunions--and to some extent, they are--but the truth is sometimes families are BIG and weddings can't keep up. There is nothing wrong with that. You're close to who you're close to, ya know?

  
  

  This baby knows exactly how I feel

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• weddingcactus member

  

  October 2014

  I watched something similar happen to my brother when he was planning his wedding. Suddenly our parents thought it was a great opportunity to turn the wedding into a giant family reunion. And then they started putting the pressure on about inviting more people, inviting people not involved in the wedding party to the rehearsal dinner, etc, etc. I think previous posters are right that it's best to address the problem right away and really explain exactly how much these extra people are going to cost and/or that your venue does not have the space. 

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• thisismynickname2 member

  

  October 2014

  I like adk19's advice a lot. My sister literally cancelled her 200-person wedding because some distant cousin on the groom's side commented on her wedding website, "can't wait for the family reunion!" They were paying for the vast majority of the event themselves with pretty much no help from the groom's parents. My sister said, "it's my wedding, not their reunion, I'm not going into debt for this."
  Her 30-guest wedding was amazing.
  Put your foot down OP!

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• Knottie1463426215 member

  

  October 2014

  Something similar happened to me when my FI and I were putting together our guest list. We're only inviting 65 people (mostly close family) and we're paying for everything ourselves. My dad got all bent out of shape when he found out we weren't planning to invite his two nephews, whom I haven't seen or talked to in 10+ years. He said he felt like his side of the family wasn't "well represented" (I'm sorry you only have one sibling and mom has three...?). What really ticked me off is that my dad is crazy about money. If anyone made him feel like he should spend his money a certain way, he'd shut them down. Ultimately, I was faced with a decision: appease my dad and invite my cousins or stick to the decision I had made with my FH. So I agree with PPs. I'd put together a rough estimate of how much more it's going to cost to invite everyone your dad wants to invite, then put it in front of him. No way is it going to be just a couple hundred bucks. If he's not willing to foot the bill for having them there, I'd move forward with who you planned to invite.

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• jenajjthr member

  

  October 2014

  Agree with PP's. Stick to your guns and have hard numbers whenever he brings it back up again. My daughter will have this problem when she grows up and gets married. She has 3 aunts and 1 uncle just on my side, close to 20 cousins, most that she is close to and sees fairly regularly. On her dad's side, same story with number of aunts, uncles and cousins, but she barely knows any of them since all of them are OOT and she has never met them. Step dad has 1 brother, so only 3 cousins there. 

  
  

  Just family would put her close to 100 people, her side alone. I hope to remember this site and not go all BSC on her expecting that she has to invite them all. Your money, your say. Sometimes though it is hard to say no to our parental figures, even when we know it is the right thing to do. From birth we are trained not to. But you are a grown up now, becoming an independent person, getting married. If you are adult enough to do that, then you are adult enough to tell dad that unfortunately you can't invite everybody he would like. Money doesn't grow on trees. 
  

  
  

  
  

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• MnHGirl member

  

  October 2014

  Thanks everyone for the advice! I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being too stubborn over this. If he was paying more into the wedding then there would not be an issue. 

  
  

  I grew up living with my dad and we have always hit heads on many topics and I have been pretty independent from him (he traveled a lot for work when I was in high school, leaving me to take care of my younger brother). I did not expect him to pay for anything considering he did not put anything out for my college nor has even helped me move out to the "real world". I am going to be seeing him in a couple weeks and will be bringing the budget and list that my FI and I have created. Maybe by him seeing the numbers he will understand where I am coming from. On my FI side we are going to be cutting the same way- so it is not like we are playing favorites on sides (My FI mother is slowly coming to term on this issue as well!)

  
  

  I guess some extended family will just have to plan something else the night of our wedding.  

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• beethery member

  

  October 2014 edited October 2014

  MnHGirl said:

  Thanks everyone for the advice! I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being too stubborn over this. If he was paying more into the wedding then there would not be an issue. 

  
  

  I grew up living with my dad and we have always hit heads on many topics and I have been pretty independent from him (he traveled a lot for work when I was in high school, leaving me to take care of my younger brother). I did not expect him to pay for anything considering he did not put anything out for my college nor has even helped me move out to the "real world". I am going to be seeing him in a couple weeks and will be bringing the budget and list that my FI and I have created. Maybe by him seeing the numbers he will understand where I am coming from. On my FI side we are going to be cutting the same way- so it is not like we are playing favorites on sides (My FI mother is slowly coming to term on this issue as well!)

  
  

  I guess some extended family will just have to plan something else the night of our wedding.  

  If he gets sassy about it, just inform him that he can host a family reunion on his own terms if he wants to pay for it. It doesn't have to coincide with your wedding for his convenience purposes.

  
  

  If he wants to host a welcome dinner or something that weekend, that can be his deal.

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  I'm the fuck out.

  
  

  
  

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  October 2014

  MnHGirl said:

  Thanks everyone for the advice! I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being too stubborn over this. If he was paying more into the wedding then there would not be an issue. 

  
  

  I grew up living with my dad and we have always hit heads on many topics and I have been pretty independent from him (he traveled a lot for work when I was in high school, leaving me to take care of my younger brother). I did not expect him to pay for anything considering he did not put anything out for my college nor has even helped me move out to the "real world". I am going to be seeing him in a couple weeks and will be bringing the budget and list that my FI and I have created. Maybe by him seeing the numbers he will understand where I am coming from. On my FI side we are going to be cutting the same way- so it is not like we are playing favorites on sides (My FI mother is slowly coming to term on this issue as well!)

  
  

  I guess some extended family will just have to plan something else the night of our wedding.  

  I actually wouldn't show him anything money related.  Money is personal.  What if he looks at the budget and says, "well, you don't have to spend all that for flowers, just don't have flowers and that's another 4 people I can invite."  I would just inform him of that one number.  "My wedding will cost $50 per person.  Anybody you want to add to this list (show him the list) will cost you $50.  I will add them to the guest list after I have your money and their address in my hand."

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  October 2014 edited June 2015

  
  

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• huskypuppy14 member

  

  October 2014

  pinkrevenge said:

  I would have laughed in my dad's face, which I did once or twice. Dad, the rates have gone up since 1987.
  
  I would flat out say "We want to see the family too, but money / room constraints will not make it possible to invite them to the wedding. We'll be sure to come to the reunion!"
  
  Don't let him guilt-trip you; for one thing, anything other than cake and punch with a couple flowers wasn't normal before the 70's. People expect far more from weddings than the used to. Also, families are generally much larger than they used to be. Sure, great grandma had nine kids, but how many of them lived to see a hundred family weddings? And how many of them had adopted kids and step kids and half-siblings and all these other connections? The grim reality is that less family members can be invited to modern weddings because people eat more and die less.
  
  Everything is more expensive (except wages) and everyone expects more things and knows more people. The end result is that weddings are going to have to get smaller. Tough titties, dad.
  

  The bolded made me laugh.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• weddingcactus member

  

  October 2014

  pinkrevenge said:

  ... Dad, the rates have gone up since 1987...
  
  Don't let him guilt-trip you; for one thing, anything other than cake and punch with a couple flowers wasn't normal before the 70's. People expect far more from weddings than the used to. Also, families are generally much larger than they used to be. Sure, great grandma had nine kids, but how many of them lived to see a hundred family weddings? And how many of them had adopted kids and step kids and half-siblings and all these other connections? The grim reality is that less family members can be invited to modern weddings because people eat more and die less.
  
  Everything is more expensive (except wages) and everyone expects more things and knows more people. The end result is that weddings are going to have to get smaller. Tough titties, dad.
  

  
  Also people have become more and more capable of traveling long distances to make it to weddings. Perhaps back in the 1970s no one worried about inviting their distant cousins or aunts because they knew these relatives would not be able to fly across the country for a church ceremony followed by cake and punch in the foyer. Now people are very welling and capable of traveling.
  
  Also, why is it that parents who are currently supporting themselves and should clearly be able to see that cost of everything has gone up are unable to recognize that wedding costs have also gone up, exponentially?? Hearing "Oh I only had to invite the church organist to my ceremony in order to get her to play at my wedding." or "I paid a lady to make a dress for me and it was very affordable." makes me absolutely crazy. I don't care if people in the 1970s were willing to do shit for free! This is 2014 and do you have any idea how much it costs to pay a live musician or to have a custom wedding dress created?? DO you? They seem to recognize that fuel priced are more than 8 times higher today than they were in the 1970s (seriously, average of $0.38 in 1973 to average of $3.09 currently), but they can't understand that it is going to cost more to pay for a wedding?

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• MnHGirl member

  

  October 2014

  Thanks everyone! You all made very helpful comments

  
  

  I never thought of bringing the budget with and actually causing more problems. I think my dad is comparing me to my 3 siblings weddings and doesn't understand why mine would cost more for food (my oldest sister was married 14 years ago and there wasn't any 2nd cousins running around or many cousins that were married). I don't plan on serving steak and lobster, but a couple of options that are nice. I like good food!

  
  

  
  

  
  

          

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