Moms and Maids

Family wants a wedding that I don't...

Zoidberg24Zoidberg24 member
First Comment
edited October 2014 in Moms and Maids
So I've only been engaged for a little over a month but have already thrown myself into the planning process, thinking I already knew exactly what I wanted for my dream wedding. But the more I thought about it and looked into it I realized I was totally wrong. I've decided that I want a smaller more intimate wedding instead of a large gathering. Unfortunately, I have a rather large family and my parents have come up with a rather extensive guest list. My parents are paying for mostly everything and having realized how expensive 200 guests can be, thought to pare down the number of people. This sounded like a great idea to me, as my mother is insisting I do the bridal dance despite the fact that I loathe dancing and haven't seen many of these people in years and don't even really know some of them. To top it off, while we're eliminating family members, she insists on inviting her work friends, which would be fine if there weren't 20 of them (some that I'm not even sure I've met!). My fiance isn't much help in any of this either. He agrees that's we should have this huge wedding and invite all his co-workers and bosses (and all their wives and children) and says that I want a fairy tale wedding because I'd rather have a nicer venue, caterer, and such for less money with a smaller wedding. His mother is just as little help. She's anti catering and thinks the family can cook everything and constantly criticizes the venues I pick because "no one will go to my wedding if it's that far away" (30-40 min.) It's just getting to the point where I'm ready to just let everyone else plan the wedding. How do you compromise with this many people and still have a wedding you'll enjoy? Especially when you aren't the one paying for it and your fiance doesn't even agree with you.

Re: Family wants a wedding that I don't...

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Yes, in this case, I would strongly urge you to plan your own wedding and pay for it yourselves. Nobody should feel miserable about their wedding experience. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    OliveOilsMomsouthernbelle0915mrstrevor3
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Ditto PP.  The majority of your post is "I", but it's your FI's wedding too.  So discuss with your FI how he sees the wedding.  Tell him to forgo all of the plans that have been talked about so far.  What does he want?  Then tell your FI what you see for your wedding.  Somewhere in all that information will be the compromise for your wedding.

    Planning and paying for your wedding yourselves will give you and FI the freedom to plan whatever you want.  There are many ways to have a wedding that is etiquette approved on any budget.  The most important thing is to make sure that your guests do not open their wallets at all.  So that means no cash bar.  Host what you can afford, so if that is a simple cake & punch reception during a non-meal time, than that is what you have.

    I might recommend taking some time off from wedding planning.  You only recently got engaged, so enjoy this time!  Then come back and figure out your budget and start planning from there.
    southernbelle0915doeydo
  • If you pay for your wedding yourselves, you can say "thanks but no thanks" to ANY input from ANYONE.

    But if you accept money from people, they get a say. So you need to be able to accept that. You do not have to accept anyone's money. Just say "thanks for offering but we have it covered." Or let them pay for specific things you don't care if they plan - like you could accept their money for flowers only. They'd get a say on flowers but nothing else. KWIM?

    Also, I agree w/ @OliveOilsMom‌ about hearing a lot of "I". This is your groom's wedding too. Make sure he's involved and heard.

    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited October 2014
    Tell your FMIL, "No, the family cannot cook and serve everything.  That's just not happening.  We want the family members who come to enjoy themselves as guests, not be concerned with setup, cleanup, cooking, and serving.  They won't appreciate being expected to do that-and they'll be justifiably pissed off if they are.  That's not the mood we want them to be in at our wedding."

    As for everything else, I agree with PPs: First, get on the same page with your FI and come up with a shared, reasonably flexible vision of your wedding.  Of course, if your and his parents are paying, they have to have some say, but otherwise, tell them, "We have made our decisions about what we want for our wedding and this is how it's going to be."
  • Appreciate the feedback guys. One thing I noticed a lot of you mention is getting my fiance involved. Despite nagging him to help me look at venues, I can't really get much out of him. All he seems to be concerned with is that his friends and all his coworkers be invited and that it not be on a Sunday. I'll look at places and show him and the most I usually get is a "That's nice." or "I like that." I don't expect him to want to look at bouquets or BM dresses but I'd like a little more enthusiasm and participation. How can I make him want to get involved without causing unnecessary bickering? 
  • Appreciate the feedback guys. One thing I noticed a lot of you mention is getting my fiance involved. Despite nagging him to help me look at venues, I can't really get much out of him. All he seems to be concerned with is that his friends and all his coworkers be invited and that it not be on a Sunday. I'll look at places and show him and the most I usually get is a "That's nice." or "I like that." I don't expect him to want to look at bouquets or BM dresses but I'd like a little more enthusiasm and participation. How can I make him want to get involved without causing unnecessary bickering? 
    You can't.  Many men don't care about the details.  Your FI is giving you the freedom to make lots of choices.  Go with that.  All my husband cared about was that we get it over with so we could be married.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Appreciate the feedback guys. One thing I noticed a lot of you mention is getting my fiance involved. Despite nagging him to help me look at venues, I can't really get much out of him. All he seems to be concerned with is that his friends and all his coworkers be invited and that it not be on a Sunday. I'll look at places and show him and the most I usually get is a "That's nice." or "I like that." I don't expect him to want to look at bouquets or BM dresses but I'd like a little more enthusiasm and participation. How can I make him want to get involved without causing unnecessary bickering? 
    What I see expressed in this thread is not "get your FI involved in picking out the flowers and table runners" but rather "he is half of the couple getting married, his wedding vision (i.e. wanting a large wedding with his friends, family, and coworkers) is just as important and valid as yours is." 



    OliveOilsMomdoeydosouthernbelle0915AddieCake
  • edited October 2014
    Viczaesar said:
    Appreciate the feedback guys. One thing I noticed a lot of you mention is getting my fiance involved. Despite nagging him to help me look at venues, I can't really get much out of him. All he seems to be concerned with is that his friends and all his coworkers be invited and that it not be on a Sunday. I'll look at places and show him and the most I usually get is a "That's nice." or "I like that." I don't expect him to want to look at bouquets or BM dresses but I'd like a little more enthusiasm and participation. How can I make him want to get involved without causing unnecessary bickering? 
    What I see expressed in this thread is not "get your FI involved in picking out the flowers and table runners" but rather "he is half of the couple getting married, his wedding vision (i.e. wanting a large wedding with his friends, family, and coworkers) is just as important and valid as yours is." 





    ETF: broken boxes

    This exactly. Talk about what he does care about. For H it was mostly vows and food. And cake.
    image
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Appreciate the feedback guys. One thing I noticed a lot of you mention is getting my fiance involved. Despite nagging him to help me look at venues, I can't really get much out of him. All he seems to be concerned with is that his friends and all his coworkers be invited and that it not be on a Sunday. I'll look at places and show him and the most I usually get is a "That's nice." or "I like that." I don't expect him to want to look at bouquets or BM dresses but I'd like a little more enthusiasm and participation. How can I make him want to get involved without causing unnecessary bickering? 
    If you want your FI involved in the planning, then tell him.  "FI, this wedding is for both of us.  I need to have help planning this wedding.  I don't need help with planning the flowers or centerpieces, but the big ticket items, I want and need your input."  Then ask him how you two can work together to get this done.  Some brides on here have done the majority of the leg work, then told their FI to make the final decision out of the three choices.
  • OP, one thing that worked really well for me in getting DH involved when we planned our wedding was the give him options. He wasn't interested in looking at every possible idea - so instead, I narrowed things down to my top 2-3 and then brought them to him to discuss. That way he still felt involved, but not like he had to deal with every single thing (we did this for the venue, the caterer, the photographer, etc. - but not flowers, BM dresses, or anything else he flat out didn't care about).
    image
  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited October 2014
    I've shown FI lists and images of things, and asked him "anything here you don't like? have a favorite?" and I tend to then get informative responses from him, whereas before posing those questions and giving him the condensed list, I've gotten nothing other than a grunted "uh huh. s'okay". Last night he even specified which flowers he liked and didn't like. It was a magical moment ;)

    (one thing he HATES: he gives a response, but I still push for more detail, or I ask him again "are you sure you like that?". That's when he gets totally burned out)

    But, yeah, if your FI wants to invite all his friends and co workers and bosses.... and you only want to invite immediate family and close friends, then you guys need to have a serious conversation. You either both need to compromise, or one of you needs to compromise, and then it needs to be done. No going back on it. You can't plan anything until you decide the basic makeup of the guest list/ size of the wedding.
  • First, take a break from planning for a while, a month at least.  Just be engaged.

    Next, figure out your guest list without asking either of your mothers for their input.  Maybe your half of the list includes only family and a couple of friends, and his half of the list includes friends, co-workers, and a few family members.  Break that list down into Must Have and Would Be Nice.
    Determine a budget.  Divide your budget by your numbers and determine what kind of venue you can reasonably have.  Showing Fiance the numbers may help him realize that you guys can't even afford pizza and beer for your wedding if he indeed must invite everyone on his list.
    Determine whether you'd like a "fancier" wedding with only the Must Haves, or if you'd like a more casual wedding with all the Would Be Nices.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards