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Chit Chat

Really upset with my husband.

edited October 2014 in Chit Chat
I am so angry with my husband, I can't even make put it into words.  I am truly embarrassed by what he did, yesterday... my blood is boiling. My mother, while she is not perfect, she is still my mother, was at my sister's house for my niece's birthday party.  My mother's back is broken in so many places that her spine juts out and it has broken in a U shape.  She can no longer stand up straight and she is only able to stand at a 45 degree angle.  My mother was in a lot of pain, last night, and arrived really late to the party. When she finally was feeling up to chasing my nephew around, he starts imitating her and runs around, hunched over. My sister and I dismiss it, because he is only two, and he does not know any better, and we hoped our mom did not notice.  My husband starts laughing and said, "Look, he's walking like your mom, all bent over" and continued laughing. I tried to divert the topic to something else, but I am sure my mother heard him... she was on the seat next to me. I shot him the look of daggers and said nothing to him until we got into the car. I blasted him on our way home. I am so disgusted by what he said, and the disrespect he showed my mother.   My mother cried for the better part of a year, that she would not be able to stand up straight, walking down the aisle at my wedding.  She did not need it thrown in her face.  A toddler who doesn't know any better, it is embarrassing when they notice things like that, but there is nothing you can do about it, because he doesn't understand enough, yet. My husband should know better.  If we had a special needs child or a child who stuttered, would he laugh when another kid was imitating them?  It is a disability, it can't be helped. You shouldn't make fun of someone regardless, but making fun of a disability is heartless. My despicable brother-in-law and my brother have both made fun of my mother's disability to her face.  I am FUMING that the man I chose could be so calloused, to be on that level.  I shouted at H, today, and he said, my mother didn't even hear him, and a bunch of other excuses.  Do I need to calm down, or am I right to be outrageously pissed that he is condoning and mocking my mother's disability through my nephew. My nephew did not understand why it is wrong, but laughing at him, made him do it all the more, which is a harder behavior to stop, once he received attention. Am I being hot-headed or was my H being as disrespectful as I thought he was?

Re: Really upset with my husband.

  • Sorry. I had paragraphs. Knot ate them.
  • I would be absolutely furious with him, too.  The excuses would make it worse for me.  I hope y'all can resolve this!! 
  • I think that yelling at him is putting your very understandable anger into the wrong place. I think you are totally right to be that angry, but yelling does not solve anything except maybe make him upset too. Try to take a deep breath, and calmly figure out why he thought that was okay to say, and if he realizes how rude it was. Maybe it was just a slip, and he didn't mean it.

    Yesterday I implied someone was really fat (they weren't there, and they also won't ever meet the person I said it to). I totally did not mean what I said, and I feel like shit about it. Sometimes we slip. 
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  • The excuses made it so much worse for me.  Everyone puts their foot in their mouth, every now and then, but when you realize your behavior hurt people, you should never argue why it wasn't bad, you should apologize. Glad I did not go off on him for no reason.  I am really upset, right now.
  • I would be absolutely livid. 
  • Everyone is human. He made a mistake.

    Calmly explain how you feel. Ask him to keep in mind in the future that it's not cool - to you, your mom or anyone else in your family to act that way. And drop it.

    He's not a child or an idiot. He should get that you're hurt, that you expect more of him. If he somehow decides in the future to do something else similar to this - it's time to really get in to it and find out why one time telling someone that insensitive to illness in your family is not tolerated isn't enough.
  • edited October 2014
    I will be more calm when I talk to him, because I guess people have a hard time admitting their wrong when they feel they have been scolded. But he knows what that look means.  When we got in the car, he was the one who brought it up, again, like he thought I would find it hysterical, and I just didn't get the joke. 
       I asked him when have I EVER talked to his siblings or his father like that? . I have put my foot in my mouth, but never made fun of them. And when I have put my foot in my mouth,  no one is harder on me than I am on myself.
       But then to reiterate the joke in the car, just made me realize it wasn't spontaneous or nervous laughter, pr a slip of the tongue, he really thought it was funny. I don't think I have ever been so mad.
  • I will be more calm when I talk to him, because I guess people have a hard time admitting their wrong when they feel they have been scolded. But he knows what that look means.  When we got in the car, he was the one who brought it up, again, like he thought I would find it hysterical, and I just didn't get the joke. 
       I asked him when have I EVER talked to his siblings or his father like that? . I have put my foot in my mouth, but never made fun of them. And when I have put my foot in my mouth,  no one is harder on me than I am on myself.
       But then to reiterate the joke in the car, just made me realize it wasn't spontaneous or nervous laughter, pr a slip of the tongue, he really thought it was funny. I don't think I have ever been so mad.
    I think he just needs to understand that this particular topic is off-limits. It might be funny to some people - my 1.5 yo nephew mocked the way my sister walked when she was pregnant, and even she thought it was hilarious. And maybe he would think it was funny if you made fun of his brother, because it doesn't strike a nerve with him the way this does. Make it clear that this is not and never will be funny to you or your mother. End of story. Made a mistake, it's ok, but this needs to not happen again.

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  • edited October 2014
    Thank you, ladies. <3 I will definitely be using your advice
  • The excuses made it so much worse for me.  Everyone puts their foot in their mouth, every now and then, but when you realize your behavior hurt people, you should never argue why it wasn't bad, you should apologize. Glad I did not go off on him for no reason.  I am really upset, right now.
    I think it's really common for people to try to deflect anger with excuses when they know that they're wrong. It's hard to handle someone yelling at you. If he had said "I know, I was wrong" would you have been less upset, or just kept yelling because releasing that anger was what was making you feel better at that moment?

    I'm not saying he was right, but I would try to follow Larry's advice and take a calmer approach. "I know that you think your comment was harmless, but I need you to understand how hurtful it was to me that you said it, even if she didn't hear."
    Totally agree with this. But yeah, I would have been super pissed too. Making fun of someone with a disability, who's your own mother nonetheless, and potentially really making her feel bad? All of that is way crossing the line in my book. I think your reaction is totally justified. But as PPs have said, try to calm down before you approach him again. 
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  • Making fun of a person's disability and/or the way they look is never, ever OK.  I hope he realizes it was wrong and that he doesn't do anything like that in the future and you two can move on.
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  • I'd be pissed as hell, too.

    Agree with PPs that the barrage of excuses probably happened because he was taken aback. Doesn't make it right, but people do react that way in the moment.

    Definitely make it clear to him when you talk to him about it next that the reason you need him not to mock your mother's disability is NOT because it might hurt her feelings, but because it hurts YOURS. And it's a generally despicable thing to do.
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    This baby knows exactly how I feel
  • Damn,I'm so sorry Muffin. I would be really pissed too. I'm also an emotional person and let my emotions control me and I would probably attempt to cool off and give him the silent treatment. But the fact that he brought it up again in the car would make me lose my cool and yell, too. 

    As PP's have said, definitely talk to him. I'm sure he realized how hurtful he was and will make sure not to do it again. He made a stupid slip unfortunately. I hope you guys make up later!

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  • It is on no grounds acceptable, and your H probably didn't know any better. The excuses are to hide the embarrassment he feels. Because he is now realizing that it was wrong. But you can help him see clearer, after you anger has dissipated, by calmly talking to him and explaining to him why it wasn't right. If he keeps making excuses after all that and doesn't apologize and realize he made a mistake, then he is a child who needs to grow up.
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  • Your husband sounds like a child. I'd be pissed too. The other ladies have given excellent advice, though.
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  • Aw glad it worked out! It makes sense that he would just need you to put it in perspective for him and then he would get it.
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