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NWR: When He shuts down

LakeR2014LakeR2014 member
5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
edited October 2014 in Chit Chat
It's Fall and I love Fall - it's gorgeous this time of year.   However, with it, inevitably comes the crappy weather and the long dark days.   And this in turn causes my DH to slide into a funk of quiet, restless, depressive?, pondering.    Is he happy with his job?  His weight?  Is he doing everything he wants to do with his life?  It's been happening for a week - he'll need some 'away' time or shut down or just need to get away and do something different then the usual (Not constant for a week, but a few times over the week, most recently today).  Sometimes it's by himself to regroup....and I take it personally.   I know I shouldn't, but I can't help myself from doing it.  

I constantly ask - are you ok?  Is everything ok?  Is there anything I can do?   He always says he's fine, just needs a different space, or he's fine, just quiet.   It's a funk he gets in and it always makes me nervous that something might be wrong (I used to be in a relationship where communication sucked, this sorta of thing happened on a bigger scale and we broke up, so it now makes me jumpy during these times).    Does this happen with anyone else and their DH?  How do you deal?  Any ideas or recommendation on how I can deal with it better aside of the nervous nagging to try and fix it?
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Re: NWR: When He shuts down

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    theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    Yep, to DH and to me too. Vitamin D supplements can help a lot with seasonal affective-type symptoms. 
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    It definitely sounds like SAD. Can he speak with his doctor?
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    Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I definitely experience SAD type symptoms.  I got down, slightly depressed, quiet and can sometimes be down right bitchy.  I have told H that winters are not great for me.  The short days and lack of sun (I sit in a cube no where near a window so the amount of daylight I see during winter is super minimal) equals Maggie not being a happy camper.  I also have zero desire to really do anything .  It really takes affect once the holidays are over with and winter really kicks into gear.

    You know how your DH gets at this time of year so it really shouldn't come as a surprise nor should you take it personally.  If this is typical behavior for him then there really is nothing to be worried about in regards to your relationship.

    Your DH may want to take in some extra vitamin D or get out for a walk to get some sun on his face during the day.  Fresh air and sun really do help regardless of the temperature.  He could also get a light box and use it for 30 minutes a day in the morning.

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    KatieinBklnKatieinBkln member
    First Answer First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its
    It happens to me--I'm the one who gets really down in the winter. I second the vitamin D suggestion, and I'd also encourage your H to talk to his doctor about it. Depending on how severe the symptoms are and whether he's significantly affected for the whole season, his doc might recommend any number of therapies, from a "daytime light" to an antidepressant. After years of just getting low-energy and irritable every. Damn. Winter. I finally talked with my doctor about it and have some actual results from the treatment (for me, a little "wake-up lamp" that simulates sunrise so I can actually wake the eff up and go work out, which in turn helps with mood; and an antidepressant, but that's not for everyone).

    If it's just a nagging funk and he snaps out of it after his withdrawal period, maybe that's just his coping mechanism. He might have a really hard time with the transition in seasons and need to wrap his brain/body around it. Once he does, is he his old self again? If so, maybe the two of you could start planning for it and schedule short trips at the beginning of Fall so he has A. something to look forward to and B. a good time and place to really relax and take that break he needs.

    The best thing you can do is to keep doing the things that make YOU happy! And, while this may not be the thing to do for everyone, I can say that for me, someone saying, "Hey, let's go to that brunch spot, get your coat!" and taking the decision-making process out of it can really help--once I do something I'm much better, but it can be hard to "get up and go" of my own accord. Your mileage may vary.

    Good luck!
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    This baby knows exactly how I feel
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    levioosalevioosa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Has he seen a doctor to ask about Seasonal affective disorder?  My Aunt lives in Alaska and it's really hard on her in the winter.  She has to take supplements and she even has a special lamp.  My best friend just recently moved to the East Coast and she's been struggling with it too. 


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    LakeR2014LakeR2014 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    esstee33 said:
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    I get like your H is feeling periodically, and sometimes the best thing to do is just to leave me alone to ponder. Sometimes I just get really, really introspective. 

    If it's super serious and he's really shutting down, then therapy might be a good idea. Vitamin D supplements like @lolo883 mentioned could help too. Otherwise, just don't push him, and be there for support if/when he needs it. 
    I feel like this is him and it kicks into high gear when the winter hits or shows signs of beginning to hit.   I know it's best to leave him alone but I'm the type of person who sees something wrong and wants to go fix it and fix it NOW GOSH DARNIT!   That can't be done in this scenario, and he has to be the one to work it out, but I still hate that I can't do it, it makes me feel like a failure. 

    And that in turn is my problem and not his.   I'm trying to let him be and do my own thing, that as others have said make me happy and bring him into it.  But I hate that I can't 'snap' him out of it.

    I'm definitely going to get some Vitamin D and add that to the morning routine.
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    mschristie123mschristie123 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    Dh gets like that occasionally, but not necessarily related to the weather though. The one thing that I have found super helpful in dealing with him is not to try to problem solve or fix his problem while he's doing his wallowing, depressed thing. When there is a break in his mood, and he comes back to his old self for a little while, that is when I take the opportunity to talk to him about what is going on and how he wants me to help him.

    All too often, I try to solve his problem when he's down and not able to work through his problems at that point. Once he's a little clearer headed, he's able to tell me what he needs a little bit better.
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