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Etiquette

Bridal Party buying gifts for guests?? Also slight vent. WITH UPDATE

Shelly1324Shelly1324 member
10 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
edited October 2014 in Etiquette
Hi guys! 
I'm a bridesmaid (there are 5 of us) in a wedding that's in a few months, and have been lurking on here long before. You guys always have the best advice!
I know and understand being in the bridal party means I have to put work in, and I already have put quite a bit in (which is a lot more than the others). 
When they (the MOB) asked me to address shower invites, I was there. (The only people there were the MOB and I). I ended up addressing all 150 myself.  When they asked me to attend 2 different makeup parties, I was there for both (and the almost hour long commute there), while the other bridesmaids were only invited to 1 of the parties. The MOH has admitted to everybody that she doesn't want it, and won't be doing everything. I've made countless trips out to the dress shop every few months because they keep effing up the dress because their sizing sucks and the color is a special dye-lot. I have had to find my own hairdresser as we're on our own for it and the bride has only made hair appointments for herself, her mom, and her MOH. 
Anyway, enough pointless venting. I understand that is all common wedding stuff that has to be done and is my responsibility as a bridesmaid. What I'm here to ask is about buying gifts for the wedding shower.
And by gifts, I mean for the guests. I was asked to buy Bath and Body Works soap to give to everyone who comes to the bridal shower (because the soaps are just SO ADORABLE)-which is in a little under a week. I had no clue that spending my money buying favors for guests was a part of bridesmaids duties. This is my first time being in a bridal party, and I haven't even been to any weddings that I can remember. 
Am I just whining, or is this a normal request?


UPDATE:
I figured I'd come back just to do a quick update about how the rest of the wedding planning and things went.

I was talking with another bridesmaid at the shower (groom's sister) and she told me that she ended up doing all the work decorating the favors herself and that she ended up making invitations for the shower all by herself (apparently MOB didn't bother to tell her I would have helped if she wanted). We ended up spending most of the shower snarking on every detail and she ditched the head table to be with her friends instead.
MOH and MOB ended up getting me to write the list of gifts during the shower and MOH spent the whole time telling me I wasn't doing it right but refused to take over the job.

My boyfriend (Brother of bride), was given the title head usher and told to roll out the runner; they told him during the rehearsal. He was BEYOND pissed.

Day of the wedding (Also her parents' 30th wedding anniversary): It was abnormally cold and started raining. No-one had power, so one bridesmaid had to wash her hair in the sink at the church and I had to do my hair by myself (none of us had actually matching hair) The reception hall had lost power the night before so MOB ended up having my mom stop by the hall and check on everything. MOH refused to help with the Bride's dress, so I ended up doing that. No-one would help MOB with anything, so I did. Everyone refused to run to the car for anything (stairs are hard), so I did. I then got to hear everyone complaining about how their feet hurt. Bride and Groom were very indifferent throughout the whole thing. After the wedding, they barely looked at each other on the way to the hall. However, I witnessed the groom looking glumly down at his ring a few times.

At the hall: Power was out and there were no generators were anywhere to be found. The other halls (that paid more) were given candles and lights for their tables while ours was dark. The groom fell off the stage that we were sitting on and really wacked up his knee. Food was TERRIBLE and I was the only one who got the Bride and Groom stuff to drink. I had 5/6 people (most who I didn't know), come up to me and start to talk to me about my future wedding.

Day After: Bride and Groom decided it would be a good idea to have the bridal party over to their house to eat and watch them open presents. Guess who ended up having the job to put them in the 'gift room'? That's right, me! They even opened the cards are were complaining about how much money people gave them (the newlywed doctors should have MUCH more money to give, as they're DOCTORS and NEWLYWED, they also should have money left from their wedding to give)

After: Over a month after the wedding and the pictures are nowhere to be found. Bride and Groom are still very indifferent but have AW moments. MOB has taken to talking to me and my bf about the whole thing, and about 'who we're not inviting next time'. She has corned ladies at church to find out why they didn't show to the wedding and spends her days at a ladies group, crying about how she's not a grandmother yet. 

In conclusion- You guys were right. It was a hot mess and I should have stepped up and told them 'no' from the beginning.

Re: Bridal Party buying gifts for guests?? Also slight vent. WITH UPDATE

  • Hi guys! 
    I'm a bridesmaid (there are 5 of us) in a wedding that's in a few months, and have been lurking on here long before. You guys always have the best advice!
    I know and understand being in the bridal party means I have to put work in, and I already have put quite a bit in (which is a lot more than the others). If you have indeed lurked, you know you literally need to do nothing but buy a dress in your budget and show up sober, with a good attitude.
    When they (the MOB) asked me to address shower invites, I was there. (The only people there were the MOB and I). I ended up addressing all 150 myself.  When they asked me to attend 2 different makeup parties, I was there for both (and the almost hour long commute there), while the other bridesmaids were only invited to 1 of the parties. WTF is a "make up party"? Like cosmetics, or making up for not attending another party? Either way, neither is "required". The MOH has admitted to everybody that she doesn't want it, and won't be doing everything. I've made countless trips out to the dress shop every few months because they keep effing up the dress because their sizing sucks and the color is a special dye-lot. I have had to find my own hairdresser as we're on our own for it and the bride has only made hair appointments for herself, her mom, and her MOH. Nothing inappropriate here. 
    Anyway, enough pointless venting. I understand that is all common wedding stuff that has to be done and is my responsibility as a bridesmaid. What I'm here to ask is about buying gifts for the wedding shower.
    And by gifts, I mean for the guests. I was asked to buy Bath and Body Works soap to give to everyone who comes to the bridal shower (because the soaps are just SO ADORABLE)-which is in a little under a week. I had no clue that spending my money buying favors for guests was a part of bridesmaids duties. This is my first time being in a bridal party, and I haven't even been to any weddings that I can remember. 
    Am I just whining, or is this a normal request?
    No, you don't need to do anything for the shower unless you've offered to host or co-host it. Especially throwing down money....no one should be asking you to do that unless you've offered. You can say "sorry, but I can't afford that right now" and leave it at that. 
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    lodele47[Deleted User]luckysnorkel
  • The only thing you are required to contribute to the shower is whatever dollar amount you decide is appropriate. Favors are definitely not a necessity.
    MairePoppy
  • jules3964jules3964 member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited July 2014
    No, buying gifts for the shower guests is not your responsibility. Neither is paying for someone to do your hair for the wedding — if the bride wants your hair done by a professional, she needs to pay for it. (But if you're the one who wants it done, then yes, you do have to pay for it.) The only thing you are required to do as a bridesmaid is buy a dress and show up to the wedding. Anything else you do is above and beyond, and is entirely up to you. 

    I would tell the bride (and whoever else is telling you to buy those soaps) that you cannot afford to do so, and leave it at that. If you want to volunteer your time for other things (decorations, etc.) then the bride, MOB, and whoever else should be grateful. You're not required to do any of it.
  • Unless you're co-hosting the bridal shower, you should not be contributing to the costs. There are no bridesmaid duties beyond getting your dress, showing up on time and properly groomed, smiling for pictures, and having a good day. If someone pressures you to buy these soaps (seriously? no), say, "I'm sorry,, but I won't be able to co-host the shower. I understand if that means you wont be listing me on the invite. That's totally fine."

    Also, what designer are your dresses? Can you go to a different salon? For most, dye lots are a thing of the past. 

    Also, just in general, no is not a four letter world. If you don't want to do some mindless task for a wedding that's not yours, you simply say, "Sorry, but I've got something going on at that time," or "Sorry, that's not in my budget." If you don't want to do something stupid for the wedding, don't do it. It's not your responsibility to be a carpet. 

    Finding your own hairdresser is not a thing you should be complaining about though (unless she's demanding a specific hairstyle). 
    image
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Hi guys! 
    I'm a bridesmaid (there are 5 of us) in a wedding that's in a few months, and have been lurking on here long before. You guys always have the best advice!
    I know and understand being in the bridal party means I have to put work in, and I already have put quite a bit in (which is a lot more than the others). 
    When they (the MOB) asked me to address shower invites, I was there. (The only people there were the MOB and I). I ended up addressing all 150 myself. Who was hosting? If it was you addressing the invites is your job if you weren't hosting it wasn't your job but it was nice of you to help (rude to stick you with them all).  When they asked me to attend 2 different makeup parties, I was there for both (and the almost hour long commute there), while the other bridesmaids were only invited to 1 of the parties. Do you mean like Mary Kay parties? Why? That is way outside of bridesmaid "duties"  and not a typical pre-wedding event.  The MOH has admitted to everybody that she doesn't want it, and won't be doing everything. That's fine she doesn't have to do the work but neither do the rest of you.  I've made countless trips out to the dress shop every few months because they keep effing up the dress because their sizing sucks and the color is a special dye-lot. That sucks but I'd chalk that up to "crap happens" I have had to find my own hairdresser as we're on our own for it and the bride has only made hair appointments for herself, her mom, and her MOH. The only time the bride is obligated to find you a hairdresser and schedule the appointment is if she is mandating you have professional hairstyling done, in which case she also needs to pay.
    Anyway, enough pointless venting. I understand that is all common wedding stuff that has to be done and is my responsibility as a bridesmaid. What I'm here to ask is about buying gifts for the wedding shower.
    And by gifts, I mean for the guests. I was asked to buy Bath and Body Works soap to give to everyone who comes to the bridal shower (because the soaps are just SO ADORABLE)-which is in a little under a week. I had no clue that spending my money buying favors for guests was a part of bridesmaids duties. If you have offered to host the shower it is your responsibility to pay for it, but it also up to you to decide what you are going to provide.  If you are not hosting or co-hosting you should not be expected to pay for anything.  This is my first time being in a bridal party, and I haven't even been to any weddings that I can remember. 
    Am I just whining, or is this a normal request?

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • The only thing you are required to contribute to the shower is whatever dollar amount you decide is appropriate. Favors are definitely not a necessity.
    And only if you're throwing it. If the MOB is throwing it or something, you need to contribute zero dollar amount.
    The MOB is hosting the shower. When she told me about the soap, she also explained how all the girls have already bought theirs (the one further out actually had them shipped to her).
    PDKH said:
    Finding your own hairdresser is not a thing you should be complaining about though (unless she's demanding a specific hairstyle). 
    I'm not sure what counts as specific? She has a picture of a hairstyle and she wants us to have ours done the same way.
  • The only thing you are required to contribute to the shower is whatever dollar amount you decide is appropriate. Favors are definitely not a necessity.
    And only if you're throwing it. If the MOB is throwing it or something, you need to contribute zero dollar amount.
    The MOB is hosting the shower. When she told me about the soap, she also explained how all the girls have already bought theirs (the one further out actually had them shipped to her).
    PDKH said:
    Finding your own hairdresser is not a thing you should be complaining about though (unless she's demanding a specific hairstyle). 
    I'm not sure what counts as specific? She has a picture of a hairstyle and she wants us to have ours done the same way.
    That's uber-specific (and so dumb - I don't understand why brides do that). Yeah, I'd be annoyed. She should be paying for it if she wants everyone to have the same style. 

    And this MOB is gross. You are not her cash cow. 
    image
    jules3964PrettyGirlLost
  • The only thing you are required to contribute to the shower is whatever dollar amount you decide is appropriate. Favors are definitely not a necessity.
    And only if you're throwing it. If the MOB is throwing it or something, you need to contribute zero dollar amount.
    The MOB is hosting the shower. When she told me about the soap, she also explained how all the girls have already bought theirs (the one further out actually had them shipped to her).
    PDKH said:
    Finding your own hairdresser is not a thing you should be complaining about though (unless she's demanding a specific hairstyle). 
    I'm not sure what counts as specific? She has a picture of a hairstyle and she wants us to have ours done the same way.
    Then the MOB gets to do all the work and pay for everything.  

    That counts as specific.  She gets to pay for it.  And it's rude of her to dictate it even if she does pay.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited July 2014
    The only thing you are required to contribute to the shower is whatever dollar amount you decide is appropriate. Favors are definitely not a necessity.
    And only if you're throwing it. If the MOB is throwing it or something, you need to contribute zero dollar amount.
    The MOB is hosting the shower. When she told me about the soap, she also explained how all the girls have already bought theirs (the one further out actually had them shipped to her).
    PDKH said:
    Finding your own hairdresser is not a thing you should be complaining about though (unless she's demanding a specific hairstyle). 
    I'm not sure what counts as specific? She has a picture of a hairstyle and she wants us to have ours done the same way.
    1) The MOB is out of line asking you to purchase things for the shower that she is "hosting". You can graciously say no to this. 
    2) If the bride is asking you to do a certain hairstyle (yes a picture of what she wants you to do counts), she should pay for it. It's rude not to. That said, do your hair however you want or not at all. She's in the wrong here.
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    image
  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas peaced out. member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    I wanna slap this MOBzilla. She is so far out of line demanding all this crap from you. None of what she's asked you to do were your "duties." You don't have duties leading up to the wedding. Your only responsibility is during the ceremony, to stand there smiling in your dress.

    If MOBzilla is hosting the shower, it is completely her responsibility to handle all aspects of inviting and hosting the guests, including providing favors if she so chooses. If she got herself in over her head fund-wise, that is completely her pickle. She can't depend on the BMs to pick up the slack!

    image
    image
    jules3964PrettyGirlLost
  • Yes, there are so many things wrong here.  I assumed you were also hosting the shower.  If you are not hosting, you should not be paying.  Same with the hair...if the bride is requiring a certain look (even just requiring to have it done professionally), it is up to her to pay. 
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    None of the things you've mentioned are bm duties. Tell the MOB that you can't buy the soaps. She's being ridiculous.

    You're responsible for your own dress (not everyone else's)  and showing up on time for the ceremony. 

    Get your hair done however you want.
                       
  • Get in touch with who ever now and let them know that you'll be unable to buy the soaps. Don't give a reason. If they push for a reason, just say, "There must have been a miscommunication. I never agreed to buy these soaps and I am unable to. I am sorry and I hope it works out." Say your good byes and hang up the phone.
    Do not give a reason. They will try to brush your reasons away.

    "I can't afford it."
    "But the other girls paid for it."

    "I can't afford it."
    "But you paid for X Y and Z..."

    "I can't afford it."
    "I'll pay for it now and you can pay me back..."

    "I don't have time to buy them."
    "I'll order them for you. You can pay me back later."

    "I can't afford them."
    "Well, the other girls already paid for their share, so what am I supposed to tell the bride?"


    It'll keep going forever and get worse and worse.
    image
    southernbelle0915
  • jnissajnissa member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    This is nutso.

    You know those mothers who can't understand why everybody doesn't think their daughter is the princess of the world? This is that mom. You have done MORE than enough. 
    perdonami
  • In weddings I've been in previously the brides have always had a specific hairstyle they've wanted us to have and make up they've wanted us to achieve and once or twice even manis and pedis in certain colors. This was all on us financially. It is so common I never thought to question it until coming to TK. But now I'll be all like Norma Rae with my sign "we don't have to pay for this!"
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    sophhabobophamellyD2014
  •     Update thrown in at the top! 
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    To the update: oh my goodness. I think the fact that they seemed indifferent is the saddest part of this whole thing.
    ________________________________


    rsbloomperdonamiluckysnorkelallysia02
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    UPDATE:
    I figured I'd come back just to do a quick update about how the rest of the wedding planning and things went.

    I was talking with another bridesmaid at the shower (groom's sister) and she told me that she ended up doing all the work decorating the favors herself and that she ended up making invitations for the shower all by herself (apparently MOB didn't bother to tell her I would have helped if she wanted). We ended up spending most of the shower snarking on every detail and she ditched the head table to be with her friends instead.
    MOH and MOB ended up getting me to write the list of gifts during the shower and MOH spent the whole time telling me I wasn't doing it right but refused to take over the job.

    My boyfriend (Brother of bride), was given the title head usher and told to roll out the runner; they told him during the rehearsal. He was BEYOND pissed.

    Day of the wedding (Also her parents' 30th wedding anniversary): It was abnormally cold and started raining. No-one had power, so one bridesmaid had to wash her hair in the sink at the church and I had to do my hair by myself (none of us had actually matching hair) The reception hall had lost power the night before so MOB ended up having my mom stop by the hall and check on everything. MOH refused to help with the Bride's dress, so I ended up doing that. No-one would help MOB with anything, so I did. Everyone refused to run to the car for anything (stairs are hard), so I did. I then got to hear everyone complaining about how their feet hurt. Bride and Groom were very indifferent throughout the whole thing. After the wedding, they barely looked at each other on the way to the hall. However, I witnessed the groom looking glumly down at his ring a few times.

    At the hall: Power was out and there were no generators were anywhere to be found. The other halls (that paid more) were given candles and lights for their tables while ours was dark. The groom fell off the stage that we were sitting on and really wacked up his knee. Food was TERRIBLE and I was the only one who got the Bride and Groom stuff to drink. I had 5/6 people (most who I didn't know), come up to me and start to talk to me about my future wedding.

    Day After: Bride and Groom decided it would be a good idea to have the bridal party over to their house to eat and watch them open presents. Guess who ended up having the job to put them in the 'gift room'? That's right, me! They even opened the cards are were complaining about how much money people gave them (the newlywed doctors should have MUCH more money to give, as they're DOCTORS and NEWLYWED, they also should have money left from their wedding to give)

    After: Over a month after the wedding and the pictures are nowhere to be found. Bride and Groom are still very indifferent but have AW moments. MOB has taken to talking to me and my bf about the whole thing, and about 'who we're not inviting next time'. She has corned ladies at church to find out why they didn't show to the wedding and spends her days at a ladies group, crying about how she's not a grandmother yet. 

    In conclusion- You guys were right. It was a hot mess and I should have stepped up and told them 'no' from the beginning.
    Wow.  That was a hot mess!  Thanks for the update!
  • Geez... How awful.

    I hope if anything that you were able to take a valuable lesson from your experiences to stick up for yourself next time! 

    Also, I hope that when you have your wedding you will treat your bridal party soo much better because you know how awful it can be.

    How is your relationship with the couple now?
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Did you buy the soaps?

  • When my BFF got married years ago, there was one MOH and three bridesmaids.  We decided as a group on decorations, favors (a splits of wine), made the food and bought the cake.  Each of us paid 1/4th the cost of the whole shower.  One of the BM's was in Germany but was here for the wedding.

    We got the guest list from the bride, then divided they up in thirds.  The decorations - we tied flowers to the splits of wine and put a number sticker on the bottom to draw for prizes.  At the shower one person kept a list of who got what for the bride.  Then she was responsible for the thank you notes, not us.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited October 2014

    Thanks for the update.

    What does this mean: "The other halls (that paid more) were given candles and lights for their tables while ours was dark." Was there some kind of cover charge for this fiasco of a wedding or did they keep track of how much each of you spent on their wedding?

    The problem, as I see it, is that some members your group believe that the wedding party is supposed to wait on the B & G. That is not and has never been true. The members of the wedding party are actually honored guests at the wedding reception. The B & G, or their parents, are the hosts. They are responsible for the comfort of all guests, including the wedding party.

    My advice to you: If you and your boyfriend decide to get married, keep his family far away from the wedding planning.

                       
  • perdonami said:
    Geez... How awful.

    I hope if anything that you were able to take a valuable lesson from your experiences to stick up for yourself next time! 

    How is your relationship with the couple now?
    My relationship with the Bride has improved a lot. I believe it's because she realized that day that I was fully there for her, when her own sister/MOH wasn't. I've always had a good relationship with the Groom, so it's the same there.
    Did you buy the soaps?
    I did cave and buy them. However I bought the grossest smelling ones possible lol.

    What does this mean: "The other halls (that paid more) were given candles and lights for their tables while ours was dark." Was there some kind of cover charge for this fiasco of a wedding or did they keep track of how much each of you spent on their wedding?

    The problem, as I see it, is that some members your group believe that the wedding party is supposed to wait on the B & G. That is not and has never been true. The members of the wedding party are actually honored guests at the wedding reception. The B & G, or their parents, are the hosts. They are responsible for the comfort of all guests, including the wedding party.

    My advice to you: If you and your boyfriend decide to get married, keep his family far away from the wedding planning.

    I did some research into the hall to see what to expect and noticed which hall we would have/how much it cost (because I'm a creeper). At the reception I looked into the other halls (that cost more) and noticed they were given lights and got generators early into the night. The hall we were in was dark pretty much the entire time until they brought out 2 tealight candles per table and the DJ ended up leaving (after the grooms father was complaining to him outside-he didn't realize who he was talking to) and bringing in his personal generator.(the other halls were given larger candles and more) but I could be reading too much into things. 

    My boyfriend and I have already talked about how we're going to run ours. It's going to be pretty much the complete opposite of theirs (his family is staying far away from it) and I'm going to show his family just how amazing a wedding can be, lol.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Now I get it. The venue manager provided lights for the more expensive banquet rooms, which didn't include this one. Hahaha. I'll bet the bride and her mother were PITAs toward the banquet manager. I'm sure you have learned from your friend's bad behavior and your wedding will be lovely.
                       
  • Now I get it. The venue manager provided lights for the more expensive banquet rooms, which didn't include this one. Hahaha. I'll bet the bride and her mother were PITAs toward the banquet manager. I'm sure you have learned from your friend's bad behavior and your wedding will be lovely.
    Actually they didn't say a single thing about it. I think that's why the hall did it, they knew the bride and her mom wouldn't make a big deal about it. They never said anything negative to the hall during or after. I would have made a huge deal about it and asked for money back.
  • @shelly1324  what scent did you get?! 
  • Shelly1324Shelly1324 member
    10 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited October 2014
    @shelly1324  what scent did you get?! 
    @PineapplePopsicles I can't remember them exactly, but I remember one was a Eucalyptus something and there might have been some apple spice one. They were pretty gross :P
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