mother of the groom woes

Knottie24408202 · October 2014

My son is getting married to a wonderful girl. The plan is for a large, formal wedding. I am divorced and unable to contribute much to the wedding; my ex-husband is contributing a substantial amount (paying for the flowers, liquor, etc). My son's future in-laws, who are from a different culture than ours, believe that I am not contributing enough, and therefore should not be able to invite many guests, just my immediate family. I am on a fixed income and have explained to everyone, several times, what I can and cannot afford.

Now, my son is taking his in-laws' side, is behaving in a disrespectful manner to me and not including me in any of the wedding plans. I am also aware that my son's future MIL is badmouthing me to him. I have spoken to him several times about these issues and my feelings surrounding them, to no avail. I am so distressed over this, I cannot sleep and am worried about how it will affect our relationship in the future. We have had a close relationship up until this point. Need suggestions on how to handle this situation.

lyndausvi · October 2014

I'm sorry you feel like your son is disrespecting you.

He who pays has the say. I'm not sure how many people you want to invite, but they are within their rights to limit the guest list how they seem fit.

My MIL didn't contribute to our wedding (which was fine, she doesn't have the funds) and we gave her all the invites she wanted. The total was 20 and that included family. Basically 2 tables. To us that was reasonable. Had she had given us a list of 50+ people we would not have been so accommodating.

ETA - sorry stupid dog step on the computer.

How to handle is just be appreciative of any amount of guests they allow. If you only want 1-2 additional couples maybe have a heart to heart. Do not get defensive and remember they are allowed to veto the request.

huskypuppy14 · October 2014

Knottie24408202 said:

My son is getting married to a wonderful girl. The plan is for a large, formal wedding. I am divorced and unable to contribute much to the wedding; my ex-husband is contributing a substantial amount (paying for the flowers, liquor, etc). My son's future in-laws, who are from a different culture than ours, believe that I am not contributing enough, and therefore should not be able to invite many guests, just my immediate family. I am on a fixed income and have explained to everyone, several times, what I can and cannot afford.
Now, my son is taking his in-laws' side, is behaving in a disrespectful manner to me and not including me in any of the wedding plans. I am also aware that my son's future MIL is badmouthing me to him. I have spoken to him several times about these issues and my feelings surrounding them, to no avail. I am so distressed over this, I cannot sleep and am worried about how it will affect our relationship in the future. We have had a close relationship up until this point. Need suggestions on how to handle this situation.

How many people do you want to invite, and how many people total are they planning to invite to the wedding?

When you say immediate family, I'm thinking your parents and siblings? Is that correct? Therefore your son's grandparents and aunts and uncles, maybe cousins? Who else do you want to invite?

You absolutely do not have to contribute anything to their wedding. It's rude of the MOB to insinuate that you are not contributing enough. However, you don't get to make a lot of demands because you aren't paying for the wedding.

martha1818 · October 2014

That's not cool that your son's future in laws are talking badly about you. It seems like you've already talked to him about it, but maybe laying out how it makes you feel will hopefully make him realize that he should stand up for you regardless of what you can contribute. It sucks his in laws don't realize that no one is obligated to contribute anything to their wedding except him and his FI.

That being said, I'm also agreeing with @lyndausvi over the general rule of those who pay get a say. How big is their guest list, and how many guests are you hoping to invite? Ie if you're contributing 5% of costs but are taking up 50% of the guest list, obviously you need to scale back, and vice versa.

That being said, as his mother it would be nice for him to give you a certain chunk of guests you want. Has he done this and been clear about it? Has he laid out how much it's costing them per guest?

Knottie24408202 · October 2014

The wedding is about 250-300 people, and I originally gave a list of 35, and have whittled it down to 20. BTW, the MIL has also informed me of my responsibilities - a shower, rehearsal dinner, and brunch. So maybe that will help clarify things. I have made no demands - only to be present for one of the bride's wedding dress fittings.

martha1818 · October 2014

Knottie24408202 said:

The wedding is about 250-300 people, and I originally gave a list of 35, and have whittled it down to 20. BTW, the MIL has also informed me of my responsibilities - a shower, rehearsal dinner, and brunch. So maybe that will help clarify things. I have made no demands - only to be present for one of the bride's wedding dress fittings.

Hmm, so assuming they have 250, your guest list is what, 8% of the total? I don't think that's out of line. Have you agreed to host the shower/RD/brunch, or have you told them it's out of your budget? They definitely shouldn't be demanding these things from you, only you can choose to offer.

As for the wedding dress fittings, I wouldn't be offended if you weren't invited to that-maybe the bride only had a small amount of people with her; are you close with her?

huskypuppy14 · October 2014

Knottie24408202 said:

The wedding is about 250-300 people, and I originally gave a list of 35, and have whittled it down to 20. BTW, the MIL has also informed me of my responsibilities - a shower, rehearsal dinner, and brunch. So maybe that will help clarify things. I have made no demands - only to be present for one of the bride's wedding dress fittings.

That's a pretty big demand. The bride is allowed to choose who get's to be with her during her dress fittings not her FMIL.

With that said you are getting about 10% of the guest list. I think that's somewhat reasonable, considering you are not paying.

The MOB is being ridiculous giving you responsibilities. Your only obligation is showing up in something you feel fabulous in, and supporting your son and his new wife. You have no obligation to host the rehearsal dinner or a shower or a brunch.

lyndausvi · October 2014

MOB can go _________ herself. If you are able to pay for something great, but she should not be demanding anything. Neither should your son. It's the couple getting married responsibility.

As I said, MIL didn't contribute. She did not have the fund to contribute. NO BIG DEAL. DH and I picked up the "traditional" things the groom's parents use to pay for. My parents offered to pay for the traditional things bride's family use to pay for. BTW - my parents are pretty traditional and never once demanded anything from MIL. They never looked down on her for not contributing.

ETA - sorry, but you have no right to demand to be at a fitting. Actually not a single person, even the MOB has that right. Except maybe if someone is paying for the dress. It's the bride's choice who she brings to those things. I only had my mom and sister. My BFF didn't bring anyone. Not even her own mother.

I think you should apologize to your FDIL about demanding such a thing.

huskypuppy14 · October 2014

Another question OP: are there some guests that are already being invited (like your siblings for example) that are not being included on your list. If your son and his FI create a list and already included some of your family and the 20 people you are "allowed" is additional? Because that is more than acceptable.

ohannabelle · October 2014

I'm sorry you're being treated rudely by the bride's family. That's awful. As previous posters have said, they're in the wrong asking you for anything, financially. And I really hate it, as a mom, when I simply can't afford to give my children everything I'd like to.

But that's life. And they've decided they want a huge wedding,so they're going to have to deal with it.

You really have no choice in this but to graciously accept the guest limit, and as for the other demands, as Lyndausvi said, the Mother of the Bride can go f#*k herself.

And that's fine.

This is one of those times when your only tactic is what my mother calls "out-nice the bastards." Smile, be kind, offer to do what you can- any help running errands, picking things up, whatever you're willing and happy to do that you're able to. Don't engage in arguments.

If they don't want to include you in plans, nothing can be done about it. Take the high road, speak kindly of everyone else, and make sure that when they're with you, it's as pleasant and tension free as possible. In the long run, they'll look like the assholes they are.

ohannabelle · October 2014

And just because I have a little mean streak, it would be so lovely if the bride and her charming mother were gently steered towards the Knot to clarify the etiquette.

They'll get honest answers. Nobody here cares a tinker's damn if they're unhappy with the truth.

Knottie24408202 · October 2014

Thank you for your reply. That's exactly what I am doing.

[Deleted User] · October 2014

I don't know if this will help at all but my mother in law didn't come to any of my dress trips. I found the dress the first trip which happen to follow a birthday lunch my sister and mom took me out to. I only had one fitting & a final pickup. I had two of my BM come to the pickup so that I could have someone with me to see how to do the bustle. The first and only fitting I had, I went by myself one day after work.

lyndausvi · October 2014

@ohannabella is wise.

Sometimes life just sucks. As much as we want to please people we love sometimes it's just is not possible. Sometimes it's monetary, other times it's just time. Whatever the case one should not be bullied into doing something they can not afford (whether that is monetary or time wise).

Listen to ohannabella.

April192002 · October 2014

huskypuppy14 said:

Another question OP: are there some guests that are already being invited (like your siblings for example) that are not being included on your list. If your son and his FI create a list and already included some of your family and the 20 people you are "allowed" is additional? Because that is more than acceptable.

I was thinking along that line too. The bride and groom should be making a list of their invites and then the parents get the division of their - but that's not always the case, especially with different cultures. You said your ex is contributing but didn't make mention about how many people he gets to invite. If he's not looking at inviting that many people, then I would tag-team it by combining your contributions as "groom's side of the family" to easily justify your guest list.

It really sucks that your son isn't standing up for you (maybe he is but isn't really being listened to), but if he cares about who's there, like your family, co-workers, or whoever else you may have on your list, then he should talk to his FI about it.

I'm probably going to get shit for saying this, but I'm an arguer and will find things to win my battles...and in this case I'd go old school with the bride's family paying for A, B, C, D, and E and the groom's family pays for X, Y, and Z - so between the two of you, you are paying more than your fair share. That's so outdated but if you wanted to fight for your few guests, then I personally would do that, especially when they're "playing the culture card."

Oh, and I don't know how old your son is but if it were my son, I'd kick his ass in a heartbeat at any age if he were to disrespect me!

martha1818 · October 2014

April192002 said:

I was thinking along that line too. The bride and groom should be making a list of their invites and then the parents get the division of their - but that's not always the case, especially with different cultures. You said your ex is contributing but didn't make mention about how many people he gets to invite. If he's not looking at inviting that many people, then I would tag-team it by combining your contributions as "groom's side of the family" to easily justify your guest list.
It really sucks that your son isn't standing up for you (maybe he is but isn't really being listened to), but if he cares about who's there, like your family, co-workers, or whoever else you may have on your list, then he should talk to his FI about it.
I'm probably going to get shit for saying this, but I'm an arguer and will find things to win my battles...and in this case I'd go old school with the bride's family paying for A, B, C, D, and E and the groom's family pays for X, Y, and Z - so between the two of you, you are paying more than your fair share. That's so outdated but if you wanted to fight for your few guests, then I personally would do that, especially when they're "playing the culture card."
Oh, and I don't know how old your son is but if it were my son, I'd kick his ass in a heartbeat at any age if he were to disrespect me!

IMO using these outdated rules to justify not paying "her fair share" with the in laws (if she were to do as you're saying) is just as bad as what the in laws are doing by judging her for not paying her supposed share. The whole point we're trying to get across to her is that these "rules" don't exist. Bride and groom are responsible for their wedding, and if bride's family are being jerks about it they're the ones who look bad.

themosthappy91 · October 2014

PP's all give great advice- I just want to reiterate that you should in NO way expect/demand to be included in a dress fitting. That's a super private part of the wedding for a lot of brides so if you've in any way pressured your FDIL or her mother to include you in this, definitely immediately back off.

huskypuppy14 · October 2014

I invited my MIL to go to my first dress fitting, because she doesn't have any daughters, and I thought it would be nice to include her. If she demanded she be invited, I may have said no.

Knottie24408202 · October 2014

Just to clarify, I didn't demand, just asked if I could be included - big difference. If I am not invited, it is truly ok - my only intention is to be supportive of both bride and groom.

lyndausvi · October 2014

Knottie24408202 said:

The wedding is about 250-300 people, and I originally gave a list of 35, and have whittled it down to 20. BTW, the MIL has also informed me of my responsibilities - a shower, rehearsal dinner, and brunch. So maybe that will help clarify things. I have made no demands - only to be present for one of the bride's wedding dress fittings.

Which we took as a demand.

abbyj700 · October 2014

Two things.

One - no one should know who contributed what for exactly this reason. No one at our wedding has any clue who contributed what and when. We felt no need to tell FI's parents that my parents gave us a substantial amount as my inlaws don't have the money to contribute and shouldn't be made to feel like they have done anything wrong. My parents don't need to know that said inlaws didn't contribute - nor would they care - though in some families I could see it being an issue.

Two - I did my dress fittings alone. I suppose if my mom lived in the same state as me I may have asked her to come to the last one, and she's going to pick up my dress with me this week as she will be in town for the wedding. If my mother in law would have demanded - she would have gotten a no. But she and I are close, and she has no daughters - so we'e had stuff for our wedding that I know she's enjoyed doing with me like a daughter - and I've made sure to include her for that reason. But I really don't know if I'd ask to come to someone's fitting. If someone would have asked me - I would have felt obligated - and yeah, I enjoyed having the time to myself.

novella1186 · October 2014

Knottie24408202 said:

Just to clarify, I didn't demand, just asked if I could be included - big difference. If I am not invited, it is truly ok - my only intention is to be supportive of both bride and groom.

Don't be upset if she doesn't want you to come along. I'm really self-conscious and private about a lot of things, so I was only planning on having my own mother come to my dress fittings and that's it. I don't want a bunch of other people tagging along, and I really want my groom's mother to be surprised and to see the dress on the wedding day when I'm all put together. I absolutely adore the groom's mother, so me not inviting her to dress fittings is nothing personal against her. It's just my own preference. If you don't get invited to come along, it may just be the bride's preference for a million reasons that are not against you at all!

I'm so sorry they're not being nice to you. I think your son might regret his behavior later. Maybe he needs to mature a little bit first. You only get one mother, and your wedding day is very important to that lady! Hopefully he'll come around.

As for the mother of the bride, it's none of her business what your financial situation is, and she's being extremely rude by demanding that you throw these parties. She sounds like a total bitch, to be honest. Take the high road and stay there. You can't stop her from being a bitch, but you can stop yourself from stooping to her nasty level. Good luck!

thisismynickname2 · October 2014

On top of everything else...

May I suggest this? My parents couldn't contribute nearly as much as DH's parents did. DH's parents gave quite a bit of money in exchange for, literally, a certain number of guests. We used that as a jumping off point for budget.

But, it was my parents that did the most manual labor. My mom worked on my dress, my invitations, my decor. It's right up her alley and she was thrilled to do all of it.

My point is, are there other ways you can contribute that don't involve a significant outlay of money?

MandyMost · October 2014

I think you should sit down with your son and his fiance and say...

"I'm so happy the two of you are getting married. I'm here to support you in any way I can. I know there has been a lot of conversations about money, and I am so deeply thankful that you have so many people in your lives that are able to contribute financially to your wedding. Unfortunately, I just don't have the money. This doesn't mean that I love you less, or that I care less. It just means I don't have any extra money to spend. I am happy to help in any way--helping to put together favors, or addressing envelopes, or anything else you may need just let me know! I was so caught up in the excitement of the wedding, I apologize for trying to increase your guest list. It is YOUR wedding and you should be able to include who you want. Of course, dear son, I hope you are already planning on including YOUR closest relatives including your aunts, uncles, and cousins. But of course I understand that you don't need to include MY friends that aren't also YOUR friends! "

Also, just a s some additional perspective, my FIL's have contributed financially to the wedding, and my mother has not (although, we are paying the majority ourselves). However my mother has come to the florist appointments, the invitation appointments, ALL of the dress appointments, and has been a party to a ton of other planning things. Because she's my mom, and I want here there. It has nothing to do with the money. My fiance let's his parents know what's going on when he speaks to them weekly on the phone, and when we've had lunch I've told them other details they've asked about or have come up. It's just the way it is. I don't have the type of relationship with this woman (as wonderful and lovely as she is) where I have any interest in calling her up and telling her stuff, or asking her opinion, or inviting her to fittings or shopping or appointments.

weddingcactus · October 2014

Knottie24408202 said:

My son is getting married to a wonderful girl. The plan is for a large, formal wedding. I am divorced and unable to contribute much to the wedding; my ex-husband is contributing a substantial amount (paying for the flowers, liquor, etc). My son's future in-laws, who are from a different culture than ours, believe that I am not contributing enough, and therefore should not be able to invite many guests, just my immediate family. I am on a fixed income and have explained to everyone, several times, what I can and cannot afford.
Now, my son is taking his in-laws' side, is behaving in a disrespectful manner to me and not including me in any of the wedding plans. I am also aware that my son's future MIL is badmouthing me to him. I have spoken to him several times about these issues and my feelings surrounding them, to no avail. I am so distressed over this, I cannot sleep and am worried about how it will affect our relationship in the future. We have had a close relationship up until this point. Need suggestions on how to handle this situation.

First, you bear no responsibility for paying for anyone's wedding but your own. So the fact that you are contributing to your son's wedding is very generous. That said, who exactly are you hoping to invite and why? When you say "just my immediate family", I'm guessing this would be your parents and brothers and sisters. That seems pretty reasonable to me. I hope you're not feeling like you owe anyone in your family (cousins, great aunts, etc) an invite. This is not your wedding and it's not a family reunion. While I agree that adults need to be respectful to their parents, I think the same can be said about parents to their children and the decisions their children make in their own weddings.

What wedding plans are you hoping to be included in? Now that adults are getting married after they've moved out of their parents houses, I think it's pretty common for the bride and groom to do most of their planning on their own. And beyond that, I think it's fairly common for the bride to take on a lot of that work and often turn to her own mother for help. It's an unfair expectation for the parents of the groom (or bride) to expect to be part of the planning process. My fiance's parents and mine have not been involved in the planning.

Knottie24408202 said:

The wedding is about 250-300 people, and I originally gave a list of 35, and have whittled it down to 20. BTW, the MIL has also informed me of my responsibilities - a shower, rehearsal dinner, and brunch. So maybe that will help clarify things. I have made no demands - only to be present for one of the bride's wedding dress fittings.

First, very rude of the mother of the bride to list your responsibilities. Perhaps it was phrased differently than I'm reading this, but it sounds rude to me. Not sure what you can do beyond work with your son to make your time and money budgets clear and stick to what you can and want to do.

Wow, you asked to be present at one of the bride's dress fittings? I would not have been happy at all if my soon to be MIL demanded (or even asked) to be part of my dress fittings. To me it's a very personal/private moment. Most bridal salons will only allow one or two attendees beyond the bride and that sure as hell isn't going to be my future MIL. I would be happy to describe the dress to her if she needs to know what I'm wearing in order to select her outfit. But I will be bringing at most my mother and a close friend to my fittings. I prefer everyone else to see my dress only when it is perfectly fitted and I'm ready.

southernbelle0915 · October 2014

I agree with you on most things, but disagree with you in a few areas:

I agree with you that you should 100% NOT feel obligated to pay a dime toward your son's wedding. You are also not obligated to host the rehearsal dinner, a shower, a brunch... none of that. The MOB is out of line telling you what you "have" to do. And further, she is incorrect. Ignore her and any out-of-line requests do pay for things. I get wanting to do whatever you can for your kids, but don't overextend yourself when you simply cannot because guilt. Also, the MOB is out of line to be badmouthing you. Especially to your son.

However, you are not entitled to a certain number of guests, or any at all if you are not contributing. My ILs didn't contribute a dime and sent us a list of over 50 people (which would have been about 25% of our total guest list). We told them no, gave them X number of guests and said fill it however you want. The FILs are giving you about 20 extra slots outside of family - about 10% - which I think is extremely reasonable. I would not argue here.

I also do not think you should have asked to go to the dress fitting, but it's water under the bridge. It put the bride in an awkward position. If she wants to invite you, she will. Now she feels obligated. If my MIL asked to go, I would have felt like a jerk saying now, but SUPER uncomfortable with her there.

If you want to show your support, tell them you're happy for them, that you love them, etc. Or, if you want and only if you WANT to, offer to help with any DIY, favors, stuffing envelopes, etc. All that is free (except time) and shows your support. You may consider talking to your son about the money thing. DO NOT MENTION FILs or draw any comparisons. Make it about YOU and your son: "I love you and want to support you as much as I can. But you know my financial situation and that I don't have a lot of money. I simply can't afford to host the things I'm being asked to host. What I can do is offer my love and support and [insert other help you may be willing to offer]."

Also, this family sounds like they'd be just the type to try and tell you what to wear to the wedding. For future reference, it's against etiquette for them to tell you what to wear. Do not even bring the subject up with them. If the bride, your son, or MOB says "you need to wear [insert color/style/etc.]" say "thanks for the suggestion" and wear whatever you want.

MandyMost · October 2014

weddingcactus said:
Wow, you asked to be present at one of the bride's dress fittings? I would not have been happy at all if my soon to be MIL demanded (or even asked) to be part of my dress fittings. To me it's a very personal/private moment. Most bridal salons will only allow one or two attendees beyond the bride and that sure as hell isn't going to be my future MIL. I would be happy to describe the dress to her if she needs to know what I'm wearing in order to select her outfit. But I will be bringing at most my mother and a close friend to my fittings. I prefer everyone else to see my dress only when it is perfectly fitted and I'm ready.

My bridal salon doesn't have any limit to the number of people that you can bring, but I've only brought my mom except to one I brought my mom and current sister-in-law (my brother's wife), because they were going to show us how to bustle the dress and I knew my mom would have a hard time with that.

However, I can't IMAGINE someone other than my own personal closest confidants being there, especially the future in-laws! My last fitting we had about a 10-minute detailed conversation about my breasts while the seamstress tried different types of inserts to make sure my boobs will look the same size. I'm not at all shy, and didn't mind it at all with the lady's hand down my dress, and my mom and sis-in-law standing boob-height and judging them. But I would have been MORTIFIED if my future mother-in-law was there.

In my opinion, the only people you should invite dress shopping OR to fittings are the people you would shop with on any other occasion, and have no problem sitting in your dressing room while you strip down and try on clothes.

jenijoyk · October 2014

I like my MIL, and her and DH are super close. But there is no way I would have had her at a dress fitting. Like PP said, there were lots of boob conversations. Second, there were lots of dieting/weight loss/sizing conversations. Third, that would have been way too much pressure if she didn't like something, or liked something I didn't like which definitely would have happened since we have opposite taste. Fourth, it's just a really private thing for a lot of people, regardless of what you see on Say Yes To The Dress. My MIL never asked to come (thank god), and if she had, I would have totally bean dipped and avoided ever talking about it again in front of her.

rajahmd · November 2014

The only one present when I bought my dress and all fittings was my now husband. To me, his was the only opinion that mattered.

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